Pissing and Moaning

The Long Game

2012-01-10T19:30:00.001-06:00

After several attempts to quell a growing black bear population the Alabama legislator - after several failed attempts - put out a $250,000 reward for anyone who could fix the problem. Months later and still no realistic claims for the reward, a young man came to the state capitol and declared he would fix the problem but it would cost the state $5 million dollars.

Desperate but no sucker, the Governor asked "How do you fix to do that son?"

The young man responded, "Well governor, as a young boy I was raised good Christian and know the bible through and through."

The Governor said skeptically, "Well that doesn't explain how you're going to fix it."

The young man responded, "Well Governor, I also was given by God the ability to speak with animals. I've spent every day of my life praying and giving glory to God. And every chance I get I go to the woods to be with his creatures. I figured the time has come to do God's work and I will convert the black bears to Christianity and teach them abstinence."

The governor was quite taken aback by this but the young man went on. "And Governor, I do not want any money. I will go to the woods for some time and then if the black bear problem isn't fixed come next season, you will not owe me a single penny. Whatta you say, sir?"

So the Governor thought and prayed on it and finally agreed. So one Monday, the young man, surrounded by television crews, skeptics, well-wishers, and the governor himself walked into the woods with just some meager belongings and holding his holy bible high above his head. Six weeks later the young man came walking out of the woods to quite less fanfare but met the governor again telling him "I will return in 6 months and you will see the fruits of my work."

Six months goes by and sure enough the young man returns. And to the governors delight the black bear population had dropped significantly back down to acceptable levels. The young man was brought to the capital to much fanfare as the governor presented him with a check for $5 million and thousands of fans as well as throes of media. The young man simply accepted the check smiled and said "All glory to you my Lord." The young man took pictures, shook hands, spoke the gospel and at the end of the celebration disappeared just as mysteriously as he had come.

A month later - just by happenstance - a yankee reporter down south for a convention came across the young man drinking a beer in a small tavern. The reporter, recognizing the young man was overcome with curiosity and made his way over offering to buy the young man a beer and - perchance - get an inside story. The young man obliged and the reporter bellied up to the bar with him.

Being a yankee and a reporter, he was obviously skeptical but his curiosity was too much to contain. "So how did you take care of the black bear population?" he asked.

The young man looked him like he was dense and simply replied "Well I did what I said I was going to do, I went into the woods and I taught the black bears the bible and abstinence-only sex education."

"That's impossible," the reporter blurted. "They can't even teach PEOPLE abstinence-only sex education what's your trick?"

The young man took a long pull on his beer and with coy smile asked "Off the record?"

The reporter, now overcome with more curiosity than a big scoop thought hard, and finally beaten, said "Yes".

The young man smiled wide, took another drink and began "Well, I grew up in the woods all my life. I went to college and studied Biology focusing on wildlife. I then went on and got a PHD as well. After college I came back to Alabama and couldn't find work because of my college education, so I did what I could to get by. When the black bears became a problem I began looking at the different causes for it - and without boring you - I found that it was just a natural spike in their population which would soon ebb just as everything does in nature." And with that he sat back and took a self-satisfied drink of his beer.

The reporter was stunned. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. "So you made up some story about speaking to animals and all of that?? Why didn't you just tell them the truth?!?"

The young man's smile turned to a very serious face for once. He looked the reporter dead in his face and said "Do you think anyone in this state would believe me if I told them it was 'science'?"

As the reporter took this in, the young man beemed again as he added "Plus, next year they're going to pay me another $2 million just to go back and try and reach the black bears who didn't convert!"

"Palin Conservatives"

2009-11-28T11:54:00.002-06:00

Here is the link to the story:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/nov/27/michigan-town-bid-guantanamo-inmates
... and my letter to the "stop gitmo north" twat-waffles ... You too can e-mail them at:
stopgitmonorth@gmail.com

Dear "Americans" without balls,

Wow, I mean WOW! Do all of you wet the bed individually or is it more of a group effort? People like you are the reason the rest of America has to hang their heads in shame. Dave Munson calls himself a "Palin conservative"? REally? Does that mean to shiat your pants and hope someone else fights the war on terrorism?

And what the fuck kind of town do you live in? It's damn near bankrupt so your ELECTED mayor wants federal money to bail you out? Sounds EXTREMELY conservative to me you fucktards! And then there are the cowards like yourselves. Jesus your town threat level must look like this:

Threat Level ORANGE: RUN
Threat Level RED: HIDE
Threat Level WHITE: SURRENDER
Threat Level YELLOW: COLLABORATE

Jesus tap dancing Christ on a cracker, I thought the French were cowardly. You've taken cowardice to a whole new level. Not only are you shiatting the bed about terrorists, you're actually petrified of incarcerated terrorists in your own SuperMax prison? Just secede from the U.S. so the rest of us don't have to bare the brunt of your incredibly pathetic pussification of our country's values.

Fuck you sincerely and GO BE SCARED SOMEHWERE ELSE!

Little 8lb 5oz, bearded, capitalist baby Jeebus with an M-16

2009-11-24T19:50:00.004-06:00

As a confirmation that both Hollywood and the Republican party have zero ideas left, Repblican officials have decided that a "purity" test be issued so that each candidate must stay true to 8 of 10 of their "goals". Of course these "goals" start with the words "we support" and end with "opposing anything that the Democrats support". It would be funny if this country wasn't built upon a 2-party system but now it's just sad. I do not blindly follow Democratic leadership but what's troubling is that their seems to be NO Republican leadership to follow. Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Mann Coulter? It seems like the only hope for the once conservative, astute Republican party is to get all of the wingnuts in one place and have Karl Rove go suicide bomber for the good of the party ... But I semi-digress. Let's check out the new propaganda, er, I mean "purity" oath ...

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill;
... but we're A-OK with bailing out banks and Wall Street like George W. Bush did. That's important stuff. So important John McCain felt the need to suspend his presidential campaign to help billionaires and millionaires pull themselves up by their bootstraps with a fresh influx of taxpayer money so they could piss it away all over again. God bless supply-side little baby Jeebus!

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;
Hmmm ... starting to seed a trend. We are against Obama-style run government because we are so THERE! Neener-neener-neener!

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;
What the fuck does this mean exactly? Market-based energy reforms? Really like you backed bank deregulation? Hey guys, can you please start being more environmentally conservative because we know it costs you more and you pollute the shit outta everything and drive up energy prices, but pretty please!

(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check;
Not even going to touch this one ...

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;
Um ... John McCain is the CO-SPONSOR of a bill that would give amnesty to illegal immigrants. Obama hasn't touched this one with a 10-foot pole and he'd be damn well NOT to touch it.

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;
Kill the brown people! USA! USA! USA! SURGE! SURGE! SURGE! Funny GWB had years of a Republican controlled Congress and Executive Branch and only manage to turn both wars into a catastrophic FUBAR ... Of course now it's the Democrats problems and they ain't cleaning up this Republican-made clusterfuck fast enough. Fuck I hate idiotic hypocrites.

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;
Hey, here's something we can all agree on. Of course it's completely vague and has no discernible plan or even coherent thought but let's give a point to our little retard friends!

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;
We don't want no fags getting married. Fags are for beating, persecuting, and running for Republican office while totally hiding in the closet or nearest men's room!

(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion;
We want abstinence based sex-ed because if it's good enough for Sarah Palin it's good enough for us! Also, we don't want all you fags, commies, liberals, socialists, and darkies aborting your babies so ... Hold on a tick, we may want to re-think this one!?!

(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership;
Like the restrictions that were set in the constitution of your right to bear arms? I know the NRA needs a boogeyman to fight against but give me a fucking break. All I heard was how Obama was single-handedly gonna go door-to-door and take everyone's guns. It looks to me like the same gun restrictions are still in place and the state levels are the problem not the national level. Hell, give me a Republican Illinois gubernatorial candidate that wants to introduce conceal-and-carry laws and I'll campaign for the man!

Jesus fucking christ tap dancing on a cracker ... please can the moderates start talking and the rest of you fucking morons be raptured already!?!

BBD

2009-11-22T17:50:00.000-06:00

No, I am not starting a new rap group or referring to any new mainstream terrorist organization. BBD stands for "Bigger Better Deal". I am writing this to help what I believe is 90% of the world. It is one thing in life to want the most out of it, it is quite another to be continuously searching for the BBD. What's the difference? Take a look at how much you spent on psychiatric care last year.

I have a few friends who fit this mold. I have more than a few ex-friends who fit this even more. A person looking for the BBD hops from job to job, bed to bed, and whatever flavor of the month comes along. These are the people who often bitch about their lives and then regail you with stories of their grand plans. Of course, these grand plans often involve doing as little as possible and someone handing them millions of dollars. Often it involves their current shack-up and the fairy tale life they will be leading. Of course, a month from now, it will be a new fairy tale with a new co-star, but that point is oblivious to these people.

Need to spot a BBD person, just look for someone unreliable, under-educated, fucks anything that moves, often bouncing between jobs, and tells you about how great their future will be. They only need to fit 4 of the 5 criteria to be considered a BBD. Here are some of my favorite example from people I have known. Names have been changed just because I am about to slander the shit out of them and the main thing about these opportunistic fuck-sticks is their ability to take advantage of a situation.

Jerome - The epitome of BBD. Couldn't keep a job, girlfriend, or word if his life depended on it. In the few years I knew him, he had no less than 10 jobs and plans to: Go to Europe and do construction engineering (despite the fact he had only a high school diploma), open an "awesome" night club (except he didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out), and get a job doing porn with strippers (about the best thing he could hope for).

Alexandria- If Jerome was the male side of the equation, here comes the female side. Landra is well known for jumping into bed with just about any guy but she always has to be in a relationship where a guy takes care of her. Of course, that doesn't keep her from hopping into the sack with his friends or the boyfriends of her own friends. Her jobs have been varied but she was trying to get a degree. Either way, this is the type of person who you make plans with you and the day you are supposed to do something, she either wants to change the plans or has already found something else to do. On one of my ex-wife's birthday parties, she wanted to bring a guy she had known all of 2 weeks from work to join a group of us. I told her "no" because it was a tight group and none of us knew the guy. She ended up cancelling plans with both him and us to go to a concert in St. Louis with some guy she knew from out west. BBD at it's finest ...

Gabriel - Though possessing loyalty, Gabe often finds it extremely hard to be reliable. He can keep a steady job but that's about where it stops. Though he finds ample time to fuck anything that moves, he has trouble keeping plans with people as the BBD always comes up. I have known him to make plans for a weekend only to not so much as call until four or five days passed to tell me "sorry, something came up".

Tammy - The epitome of the BBD. She can't get enough from anyone or anything. Fucks anything that moves. Regails you with how she's going to make millions. Talks about her fabulous upbringing. Yet, the BBD is always a bed, job, or stone throw away.

So ask yourself, are you constantly looking for the BBD? Is the grass always greener until you get there? If it is ... then you are part of the world us normal people can do without.

Surprisingly Comcast "Live Chat" Doesn't Pass the Turing Test

2009-04-07T19:59:00.004-05:00

Here is my "live" transcript with Comcast's new "Live Chat" feature that's about as helpful as ... well, a Comcast technician.

Facebook Chronicles Part 1

2009-03-27T08:00:00.001-05:00

As many of you know I signed up for Facebook this weekend. It was a long uphill battle pitting friends from out of state I wanted to talk to and not wanting to be annoyed by another social networking web that basically sucks balls. Anyhow, I did find some old frends and family ... but I also found people I had no relationship with in the past talking to me like I'm their damn BFF. Sure I know I'm hot, articulate, have a huge wang, am bigger than Jesus and the Beatles, but for fucksake, I'm getting inundate with messages and invites like Angelina Jolie at Lllith-Fare. Leave me the fuck alone!

I'm guessing this is the same way for many people., so I decided to chronicle the many faces of facebook. This week: The popular guy\girl - much like a former child actor - just refuses to admit it's over. Any chance they get, they have to remind everyone how special they WERE. Here's what their basic form letter looks like ...

Hey how have you been? I haven't seen you in years!
Prologue to a mind-numbing rant that has nothing to do with "you" or the "years" it's been. Hell, you probably saw her last week working the night shift at Walmart.

Back when I was cheerleading I guess things were really hectic.
She's fat.

Well, you remember that party at (insert some former classmate's name here - the more popular at the time the better)?
Oh THAT party. Sure because the 4 years of high school I wasn't drunk or high THAT party was totally AWESOME and memorable ... MAINLY because YOU remember it!!!

Well that's when I knew I'd marry the (former jock turned local gradeschool PE teacher) of my dreams!
Oh wait, I do remember THAT party. That's where like seven guys ran a train on your whore ass ... he musta been the most "special".

Anyhoo, we got married after high school! It is great, we have (insert X number) of children!
Read: I mastered the art of fornicating WITHOUT getting an abortion afterwards!

We should all get together some time and ...
What? Listen to Springsteen's "Glory Days"?

Oh well, I guess I should go ...
I've summed up my life experience in one paragraph!

But I'd really like to hear back from you again!
Please tell me I'm still relevant :-(

Internet Fun

2009-03-22T19:59:00.004-05:00

Was posting on a message board for Da Bears and came accross this fun little guy ... and my response:

Some Douchebag: "you have all the classic symptoms of the knowitall syndrome, you should seriously get that checked out."
Actually, I am man enough to admit I needed help. I went to the doctor but he couldn't help. So I went to a specialist clinic. They couldn't either. I went to my priest ... no dice. Finally I went to see God but he couldn't be bothered ... it was Halloween and he was at a costume party ... dressed up as me!

Seacrest goes Borat

2009-01-22T18:46:00.003-06:00

So ... you're a blind contestant on American Idol, yeah? ... HIGH-FIVE!!! I like you!

Never go Full Palin

2009-01-14T19:35:00.001-06:00

Check it out. Dan Quayle, 1988, look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Misspelled words, stumbled over basic grammatical structure and sentence-forming, even in prepared speeches. Dumb, sho'. Not retarded. You know Al Gore, Cinton Administration. Slow-talker, yes. Retarded ideas, maybe. But he birthed a Futurama writer and was a level 12 Vice President. That ain't retarded. Joe Biden, "Yes We Can." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full Palin, GOP. Never go full Palin. You don't buy that? Ask Lloyd Bentsen, 1988, "Dukakis/Bentsen." Remember? Went full Palin, went home empty handed...

An Open Letter to Neo-Cons

2008-10-14T14:29:00.003-05:00

Ever since 9/11 the Republican supporters (read YOU) have been told fear the terrorists. There are terrorists coming to kill you. We have to fight them over there instead of here. We need to wire-tap civilians, we need to suspend habeas corpus, we need secret prisons, we need to torture and all of this we are doing for America.

All the while this administration has tried to push their powers even further including claiming that congress has no oversight into their actions. Of course this wasn't a problem for Bushco the first 6 years when Congress was Republican controlled. Our economy is in the shitter and dumbass Republicans (read YOU again) are blaming the policies of the Democrats in Congress. I love that thinking (or lack thereof). We are in two unwinnable wars, Wall Street is collapsing, banks are collapsing and the party that's been in power for the last 8 years (and controlled Congress for far more than that) is blaming terrorists, democrats, and Barack Obama for the woes of this country. How very fucking patriotic you people are.

On top of it, after using scare tactics ever since 9/11 they think they can win an election (again) on the same old tired bullshit. Four years ago it was telling people if Kerry wins the terrorists win. Now it's spinning that Barack Obama is a Muslim with ties to terrorism. The message is clear: scare the same damn sheep into giving us what we want. The problem? People are getting smarter and the democrats and independents don't buy it. And even a lot of the Republicans (read NOT YOU) are asking: "Really? This shit again? Fuck this I'll vote for the secret Muslim baby eater because they can't expect me to be that fucking stupid. Or can they?"

You see the "you're either for us or against us" bullshit they've played with since 9/11 no longer fucking works. McMaverick is exposed as the same old crap; 4 more years of Bush. The Republican message has been dumbed down to such imbecilic catch phrases it's a joke: "If you vote for us your an American otherwise you're a terrorist ... and you're not a terrorist are you?" It's not even political science any more it's CHILD fucking PSYCHOLOGY!!!

Now you look at the McCain and Palin rallies and the word coming up most (even by Faux News) is RAGE. These scared little sheeple who hang on the Republicans every word so the boogeyman terrorists don't get them are in a RAGE. You know why? Because since 9/11 they were told they should give up liberty for safety and they did. They believed everything the Republicans told them and feel safe because they are protected by the all-knowing Republican party. And now they're big security blanket is about to go away and they need childish slogans to chant to make the feel all safe and warm again. And for the last 7 years it's those terrorists that are trying to kill us all that are going to win. Not only that, Barack Obama is a secret, evil, Muslim, terroris, anti-christ. They shout for his death and call him a traitor. Why? Because they were told terrorists are going to kill them all and Barack is not "with them".

They are enraged just like there childlike makeup would suggest. They are fearful because the Republican message has been so filled with scare tactics including in this campaign. Barack is a terrorist; the terrorists are going to win. Now when McCain at his own rally tries to calm the rage by saying "Barack Obama is a decent man and we shouldn't be afraid of him as president" the people actually BOO McCain and call for his death! That's a fucking bell you cannot unring. Most of these people need serious psychological help. You live in fear every day of terrorism and believe your only savior is Chimpy McFlighsuit and John McMaverick and the Republican party. Now your being told that the secret, evil, Muslim, terrorist, anti-christ is going to run the country and possibly rule the world.

If I were a Republican (like YOU) I too would be in a rage ... and scared ... or if I were 5 years old ... and possibly retarded.

Random Pissings

2008-09-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

Sarah Palin supports abstinence-based sex education as well as a pro-life agenda. Her teenage daughter is pregnant by some goober and now she wants the situation to remain a "private family" decision. That's great Sarah, you want to dictate how other family's handle their "private" decisions but think your family should be excluded .... Vote for Palin: The Lynn Speers of American Politics!

As the MLB season winds down it's becoming more and more clear St. Louis will NOT be part of the playoffs this season and the Cubs will. After 100 years of ineptness Chicago fans believe this is their year! No, this message is not a repeat from 1908 to 2007 ... or is it? My prediction: Cubs go oh-for-a-century!

Speaking of 100 years of complete ineptitude, John McCain is under fire for not vetting his VP choice. Apparently, an inexperienced politician under investigation for corruption with a pregnant teenage daughter is not the new face of the moral majority. I did hear she likes diddling little boys so that may just save her bacon!

You know the hardest part about being a Green Bay fan is? Telling your parents your gay.

Speaking of the Cubs, Carlos Zambrano is injured, so is Rich Harden, and the Cubs started the month on a 5-game losing streak ... if that doesn't scream "IT'S SEPTEMBER!!!" I don't know what does!

Workplace Harassment for Hetero White Guys

2008-08-22T20:05:00.001-05:00

Recently, my company sent out mandatory training for all employees on harassment at work. These "training" sessions pop up once every so often and are taken online at the comfort of your desk. The funny part is that they are so incredibly bad, if you miss an answer you should be fired. Questions and answers are so bad my dog got 10 of 10.

Bob is one of your direct reports. Bob is also a black man. How should you greet Bob in the morning?
A. Tell him "Do my work Toby!" and make whipping sounds.
B. Yell "What's up my urban homey!" at the top of your voice.
C. Say "Hello Bob your a valued member of our team."

Personally, I'd pick A but the people a little higher up than me may frown upon my shenanigans.

To really hammer home the point that your company thinks all of you are stupid, they have to "explain" why the wrong answers are "not the best answers". You mean, I cannot scream at a paraplegic for not standing during the pledge of allegiance? Please, tell me more!

The point is that I never have found any value in these "training" exercises so instead of pissing and moaning, I thought it high times to write my own. And this isn't any run-of-the-mill training exercise, this is the DEFINITIVE workplace harassment guide for WHITE MEN. Finally, something that us white guys can use to help us keep the workplace harassment free! So, let's start the test!

1) Bob is a factory worker but doesn't watch football. Many of his co-wokers do and poke fun at Bob. How do you handle the situation?
A. Poke fun at him endlessly. Compare him to lance armstrong minus the ball. This is not the best answer because at one time Lance Armstrong had two balls and Bob could sue you for wishing him ill.

B. Ask him what's the best tasting underwear he likes with his smothered sausage ... This is not the best answer because some fags tend to be vegan so therefore implying he loves meat could get you in trouble.

C. Get to know him. Invite him on a double date with you, your smokin hot GIRLFRIEND, and her gay male cousin. This is the best answer because it shows you'r not only down with the fucking queers but you got his best interests in mind.

2) Jerome your black male direct report has asked for Qwanza to be considered a holiday. How do you respond?
A. Tell Jerome that there are enough bullshit holidays he can have off. This is not the best answer lest Jerome questions Kasimir Pulaski day.

B. Tell Jerome that unlike MLK day there is no sign on Qwanza that says "Dead Nigger Holiday." This is not the best answer because maybe Black Jesus did die and resurrect after 3 days and therefore his apostles did indeed have dead nigger storage.

C. Tell Jerome that you respect his pride in African-Americans so much that Qwanza will be observed ... but on Thanksgiving, Lincoln's day, and Labor Day he has to work because Niggers were not around for the first, were freed by the second, and won't really be affected either way by the thrid.

3) Pablo spills coffee on your important docs. What do you do?
A. Tell the fucking wet back to go mow the lawn. This is not the best answer because if mowing the lawn isn't in his job description you could face disciplinary action.

B. Ask him not to steal anything while you go grab napkins. This is not the best answer because then he'll know you're on to him.

C. Tell him it's ok because most Mexicans can't afford Starbucks unless they get an employee discount. This is the best answer because he'll appreciate you knowing about his personal life and empathizing with his financial status.

4) Beth, one of your very large direct reports, has shown up to work in a tank top and mini skirt. Both items are against company policy how do you resond?
A. Tell Beth that if God wanted her a size 2 he would have miracled her ass by now. This is not the best reponse because if Beth is an atheist she'll take offense at the use of God in your response. If she is a religious person, telling her God has not responded to her prayers could cause problems.

B. Tell Beth that if you wanted to see that much nauseating skin, you'd rent Silence of the Lambs. This is not the best answer because Beth could take that as an attack on her well-being and report you to HR and the police. No sense going all "Buffalo Bill" on her fat ass.

C. Remind Beth that harassment is a problem in the company and people could start dry heaving at her appearance. This is the best response and she'll thank you for the reminder. (Try not to look at her directly though it's kinda like a bad car wreck - you don't WANT to look ... you just GOTTA look.)

5) Your very attractive direct report Ivana has bought a very nice dress from Macy's and is wearing it today. She asks if you like it. How do you respond?
A) Tell her that it makes her ass look quite fuckable. This is not the best response since it also makes her tits look bigger and more succulent.

B) Tell her it makes the clock in your pants point to high noon. This is not the best response. Drawing attention to your engorged member makes you look like an 8th grader in Sex Ed and Ivana and your subordinates may lose respect for you.

C) Tell her that it looks great and would probably hold it's shape on your bedroom floor all night. This the best reponse. Not only are you complimenting Ivana on her smart style sense but you also are paying a direct complement to the quality of the fabric.

6) Huan is a Vietnamese immigrant who works for your company as a DBA. Recently he disagreed vehemently with your latest proposal. Given that Huan's opinion is valuable but yours is the ultimate decision, how do you respond?
A. Tell Huan you should have shot his ass in D'Nang when you had the chance. This is not the best answer because these slant-eyed little fuckers have patience and a mean streak a mile long. Huan could retaliate and turn the "Welcome" mat in your office into a bamboo staked pit trap.

B. Tell Huan that if he keeps his mouth shut next time, he can have some steaks courtesy of your ready-to-be-put-down St. Bernard. This is not the best answer because St. Bernard is a very low quality of canine delicacy and Huan could take this as an insult to his palate.

C. Tell Huan that though you respect his opinion he can Hanoi you and don't try Tet again. This is the best response because Charlie will know you still hold a grudge and not to fuck with you again.

7) One of your direct reports, Tila, is known as the office Trollop. She offers to give you a blow job for giving her a much wanted promotion. How do your respond?
A. Take the blow job and fire her. This is not the best response because firing her would dampen your chance at getting a blow job later when you really need one.

B. Take the blow job and promote her. This is not the best response because your other direct report Amy is way hotter and you could probably get some anal action too.

C. Take the blow job and giver her a raise. This is - by far - the best answer because - Dude! - it's not your fucking money right!?!

Status Messages

2008-08-09T14:21:00.000-05:00

If you've ever used message boards, chat services, IM, or social networking sites, you'll know that one thing you can set is a "status message." Most assholes set these to something that they think is hip or cool but usually allows most normal people to figure out they really are a douchebag and to move on. However, on occassion I have used - or came accross - some of these that do grab my attention. I thought I'd share some of my favorites:

"Masturbating." It's honest and direct and - let's face it - your probably surfin porn anyway.

"Putting the 'sensual' back in 'non-consensual.'" Ladies appreciate a man who takes his time whether it's the guy they fucked in the bathroom of their favorite bar or the stalker who loves dressing up in their thigh highs.

"On a mission from God." I love it. It's all about mystery in this one. Is the person one of those Born-Again rightwing Christian douchebags, maybe they're a John Doe serial killar ala Se7en, or maybe their just a good old down to Earth Chicago Bear fan. It's the journey finding out not the destination.

Those are just a couple, but I'm sure there are more. Here are a couple that will make sure you never get a response from anyone in their right mind:

"Listening to Coldplay." If you're a guy at least you'll get the fucking homos contacting you.

ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CAT(S). If you're a guy: That's Kevin Spacy gay. If you're a girl, then your some high maintenance cunt with more issues than Readers Digest.

ANYTHING MISSPELLED TO SEEM COOL. This would include (but not be limited by) Chillin, Ballin, Cruizin, and any form of the word "-izzy". So as a general rule if you are "Chillin at the hizzy" you are fucking douche and not worth anyone's time.

Anyone have anything to addy? <-- So, I'm a douchenozzle, I'm chillin with it!

Hillary(AINT)44.org

2008-06-04T20:12:00.001-05:00

Need a laugh? Stop on over to HillaryIs44.org, the place where feminist political activists bring their special sort of bat-shiat crazy to the Hillary for President campaign ... and people wonder why she lost the primary?

June 3rd, 2008: When Will Obama Concede?
No this is not a typo. Oh and believe me, you would think from the title it couldn't get any more stupid, but you'd be wrong.

Obama is unelectable and not qualified to be president.
However, he is electable in primaries and just beat the pants off of favorite Hill-Dog whose batshiat insane loyalists - who really did nothing except biatch, moan and call anyone supporting Obama a sexist - are still threatening to vote Republican if Superman (or maybe Superwoman) doesn't fly around the Earth really fast to turn back time so Hillary can ... lose the primary again?

On the night Obama lost South Dakota (Obama's own projections had him winning South Dakota by 15 percent) he spoke in the same hall in which Mondale conceded to the Reagan landslide.
... On the same night he cemented his nomination as the next Democratic presidential candidate you mean?

Obama will either concede now or in November.
Right after unicorns and rainbows fly out of Hillary's ass. Note to author: That word "concede", I don't think it means what you think it means.

Obama won't win Democrats he needs to win (like the Democrats on this very website). In state after state many Democrats clearly state they will either NOT vote, vote for the unacceptable John McCain, or write in Hillary's name.
So now you - and "Democrats" like you - after seeing that other DEMOCRATS - not like you - have chosen Barak Obama over Hill-Dog, you're taking your ball and going home? Is that it? Or are you doing the most democratic of all and THREATENING the DNC that since your candidate lost the next logical step is blackmail? That seems about right. So far we've seen that "you Democrats" and "your candidate" can run a political campaign nearly as savy as Michael Dukakis on month-long crack bender.

That Democrats, many who have never voted for a Republican or nightmared about voting for a Republican, to say they will vote for a Republican is shocking and foreshadows doom for the Democratic Party in November - if Superdelegates actually vote for Rezko/Ayres/Pfleger/Wright/Farrakhan's friend - Obama.
More pop-shots ... and more threats. Extremely enlightening stuff.

Hillary supporters will not vote for Obama on any ticket. Last night, at the Hillary rally, the shouts were Denver, Denver - not tears nor surrender.
Actually it wasn't "tears (or) surrender)" it was denial and delusion. The only thing Hill-Dog and her supporters will have to do in Denver is visit Coors to drown their sorrows because this ship has sailed.

No tears nor surrender came from the voters of South Dakota either. No matter how much Big Media insisted Obama was the nominee the people voted for Hillary. Big Media cannot force feed Obama to "bitter" small town America.
Funny, I didn't see "Big Media" winning Montana for Obama or the other "states that don't matter" to secure his nomination. But then again, those are the "states that don't matter." The tears and surrender I am sure came later when you all plowed head first into a bucket of Ben & Jerry's while telling your cat your troubles.

Last night, Hillary asked America to write to her. Hillary told us this was our campaign.
Hill-Dog: "Now the question is, where do we go from here, and given how far we've come add where we need to go as a party, it's a question I don't take lightly. This has been a long campaign, and I will be making no decisions tonight. But this has always been your campaign, so to the 18 million people who voted for me and to our many other supporters out there of all ages, I want to hear from you. I hope you'll go to my website at HillaryClinton.com and share your thoughts with me and help in any way that you can."
It is your campaign ... and ALL OF YOU ARE LOSERS. On a related note, I, for one, plan on going to her website and telling her where she needs to go!

Hillary spoke about our resilience, our ability to overcome challenges. Hillary was speaking about America, but her words are especially true of her supporters.
Hill-Dog: "You know, tonight we stand just a few miles from the Statue of Liberty. And from the site where the Twin Towers fell ..."
- AND ALMOST FELL ON CHELSEA, err, I mean I MISSPOKE -

"... and where America rose again. Lady Liberty's presence and the towers' absence are a constant reminder that here in America, we are resilient, we are courageous, we embrace all of our people and that when we face our challenges together, there is no barrier we can't overcome, no dream we can't realize, nothing we can't do if we just start acting like Americans again."
Yes that is truly inspiring. Maybe you guys can all talk about it in the coffee clatch Hill-Dog will be running in the coming months because she's going to have lots of free time.

Write to Hillary. Ask Hillary to fight for every vote - including the votes stolen from the voters in Michigan and Florida. Tell Hillary we will not accept the precedent set by the Rules Committee awarding votes to a candidate that was not on the ballot and taking votes away from her which the voters of Michigan entrusted to her worthy care.
Revisionist history anyone? The Michigan and Florida votes that Hill-Dog's camp voted wouldn't count? Then when she left her name - the only name on the Michigan ballot, finds her ass getting handed to her, and NOW it's time to count that vote? Get a fucking grip you fuck-twat! You don't want a democracy you want a dick-less Hiltatorship.

Donate to Hillary. Add 44 cents to show our grassroots support for her historic campaign.
Yes, because that 44 cents will go to pay off the millions she's run up in debt!

Let Hillary know we will never concede to Obama's race-baiting, gay-bashing, woman-hating campaign of deception and distraction. On to Denver!
Yes, we prefer Hill-Dog's racist, gay-bashing, feminazi man-hating campaign of delusion, incompetence and out-and-out FAIL to lead this country!

Let Obama know he will concede at the Democratic Convention or he will concede in November - Obama is not duping us out of our votes.
Ummm, sorry dumbass but it seems to me the maj-or-it-y (sound it out, you'll get the hang of it) has already spoken. Your little fits, tirades, threats and everything else really amount to a bunch of sore-losing feminists who brought nothing but vitrol and sexism to a campaign and now wants to threaten, degrade, bully, and throw tantrums to try and get their way. Not only do you - and your candidate - reak of desperation and contempt for those you want to lead, but you truly exemplify the problem with your campaign and why DEMOCRATS have chosen Obama over the unelectable and divisive Hill-Dog.

Thanks for the articles and please keep up the laughs. Knock-knock ... hey it's reality and HE would like a word with you!

Tips for Criminals

2008-05-04T02:00:00.000-05:00

If you're going to commit a crime, here are a few helpful hints I learned while watching "Cops".

Dress the Part
Brothers - Pull up your damn pants and dress the part when you are going to commit crime. Think about accesorizing by wearing a fucking belt to keep your baggy pants from falling off in case of a foot pursuit. Remember, style means nothing if you're getting pounded in the ass in prison.

White guys - There is a reason they call it a wife beater. Wearing a wife-beater = instant jail duing a domestic dispute. The only other way you can look more guilty is if you decide to go shirtless.

Things not to Say
"It's not mine" or the ever popular "I'm holding it for a friend." This is how you separate the criminals from the criminally stupid. Either of these phrases instantly tells police they are dealing with a complete fucktard. If you are truly holding drugs, weapons, etc. for a friend, then you deserve not only to go to jail but wear a "I'm fucking stupid" tattoo on your forehead for life. It's not that hard to figure out that you're lying, so try a better story.

"I only had one beer." Yes, the police pulled you over to commend you on your excellent driving skills while weaving in and out of your lane, running stop lights, or - in general - driving like an unlicensed 3-year old.

"What did I do officer?" Yes, this is a great ploy. Act totally shocked when caught red-handed committing a crime. Forget the fact that you have an arm-full of stolen DVD's, standing 10-feet from a broken window of the local Best Buy. You are completely taken unawares as to why you'd be stopped and handcuffed.

Know Your Role
Don't threaten the police or try to fight them. They LIVE for that shit. Some guy with a small dick and a Napoleon-complex would LOVE, absolutey LOVE to fuck you up with their night stick. Oh, and if you got a weapon that's double score lotto bonus for them!

You are a criminal not their buddy. Trying to kiss the cop's ass just gets them off on their power trip. These guys aren't going to fall in love with you or want to go drinking later. Ass-kissing strokes their ego all the way to when they throw your dumbass in jail.

Quit begging. Not only are officers not going to give in to your whiny little bitch ass, you're going to lose any street cred you may have by pleading your hardships to the police. It's the equivalent of the crack-head from Menace II Society telling K-Dawg "Man, I'll suck your dick." Sure the consequences aren't as drastic but for the love of god - MAN UP!

These are just a few tips to help our my lawful readers. Granted, most people who read this blog are more likely to be Gitmo'd then actually be taken down for something like a garden-variety crime but you never know. One last word of advice: wear two pairs of boxers at all time. When you go into county you'll need to wash your drawers in the sink to stay hygenic. If you're waiting for your ONLY pair of boxers to dry, you're gonna look like a gay ATM to hardened\hard-on'd criminals.

High School Musical

2008-05-03T21:12:00.000-05:00

Since my children are young, they asked me to get them High School Musical so they could watch it. Jesus, I'd rather have nails shoved in my eyes by a love-drunk Kathy Bates ala Misery. After having to sit through this movie, I came to the conclusion that Hollywood hates America. Seriously, what the fuck was the pitch meeting like at that piece of shit?

Pitchman: OK are you ready for this. We want to make 90210 the movie only with singing and 80% gayer!
Exec: You have my full attention.

The only non-gay thing to come out of this were the high-res pictures of Vanessa Hudgens doing a full frontal. I'll be in my bunk.

What do you mean Mary Jane is a man in a mask?

2008-04-12T00:10:00.000-05:00

Miss Spoke in 2008!

2008-04-10T20:36:00.000-05:00

As I write this blog please understand that this may be my last. I am hunkered down in Morton, IL, pinned down by sniper fire from Sri Lankan terrorists. If things go badly though, I want my last moments on Earth to go to a worthy cause: Hill-Dog in '08!

Connor just returned fire from his AK-47. That'll buy us some time ...

Anyhow, I am worried that this country may fall in the hands of the inexperienced and idealistic Barack Obama. Do you really think he's ready to answer that phone at 3am? I don't. I mean, if Hillary answers it, it'll just mean another day of "mispoke" tales of how she dodged sniper fire on a peace mission, or how Chelsea almost died on 9/11 dodging building debree while jogging, mothers who died because they did not have insurance, and countless other "mispoken" things that just show she's a little tired and not at all a liar.

If Barack answers it he may have to actually make decisions and not be all sleepy in stuff. Can we trust him to not be sleepy?!? What if he "mispokes" even worse? He could accidentally tell someone to bomb a 3rd world country instead of ordering his latte. Do you want that blood on your hands???

With Hillary we know where she stands ... on a record of doing the opposite of everything she says while riding her husbands coattails to the fullest! I mean she was against the war before Obama was against the war - despite her voting for it and all. Hell, she was probably black before Obama was too! I want another politician like George Bush who can piss in my ear while shitting on my rights. That is what this country stands for!

Jesus, the sniper fire is so thick you could cut it with a knife! Caitlin just took out a couple with a claymore ...

Anyway, if we vote for Barack the terrorists will win! It is that important. We need to let in Michigan delegates - whose ballots only had Clinton on it - because it's the right thing to do. Sure both Obama and Clinton camps agreed to exlude Michigan and Florida primaries, but that was before she knew she would be the only candidate on the ballot ... and she was the favorite to win the election. How could she possibly know that then? Isn't it good enough she realizes it now!?!

OK, I have to get back on my howitzer. The snipers are everywhere and I want to make sure we drive them off before Sinbad gets here. Not the comedian, the actual pirate!

Kerry Wood Watch

2008-03-31T19:48:00.000-05:00

Well, the decision to name Kerry Wood as the closer for the Chicago Cubs is already paying off dividends ... for the NL Central.

Wood showed his mastery today as Carlos Zambrano pitched a near perfect 2-hitter through the 8th inning. Wood came on in the 9th and his first pictch as the Cubs closer was a microcosm of his career as he hit a batter. This was a sign of what was to come as woods gave up 2 hits, 3 earned runs, and a walk to go with the hit batsmen.

If it weren't for Fukudome's bottom of the ninth heroics hitting a home run to tie that game at 3-3, Chicago would have fallen with Wood starting the season 0-1 despite no longer being a starter. Eventually, Bob Howry took the loss for Chicago giving up a sacrifice fly in the 10th to Tony Gwynn, but I think we all know who blew this game for the Cubs!

Thank you Kerry from one Cardinal fan to a washed-up, never-was-or-will-be.

You're Doing it Wrong: Masturbating at Work

2008-03-27T19:59:00.000-05:00

Easter Sunday I ate an early dinner with my girlfriend and all the kids. Despite chowing down on ham, potato salad, deviled eggs by the handful and plenty of bake beans; I found myself starving later that night. I ended up raiding the cupboard for a late-night nacho concoction complete with chips, cheese and jalapenos.

Monday, when I went to work, I was damn near tearing my pants off around 8:30 as the gas and nachos decided "no mas". The corporate bathroom is a tiled area with three urinals and two stalls. The furthest stall - the handicapped stall - was available amazingly just after breakfast. I made my way to drop the kids off at the pool not giving a second glance to the other "taken" stall.

Now, if you're going masturbate in public, I am sure there are countless rules. To be honest, I am no expert - I'm a web developer\architect not a Republican politician. However, based on my experience this mornging, I think I can hand out some quality tips to those who just can't seem to make it 30 minutes into their Monday without engaging in man-to-hand combat.

1) Try to keep it down.
People are in their to take a piss and\or shit. Your heavy breathing and occassional "aaahhhhh" groans may attract unwanted attention. It's a bathroom stall not a sound-proof recording studio where you can record your latest R. Kelly tribute.

2) If you fail to abide by rule #1, try to keep the "fap-fap-fap-fap" sound to a minimum while shuffling your feet.
And the unmistakable sound of fapping is hard to explain away. And "Umm, sorry guys I was just feeding an ice cream cone to my penis," excuse ain't gonna cut it. Also you would be well advised not to bang against the bathroom stall wall like your trying to build a new edition onto the fucking thing.

3) If you fail at avoiding #1 and #2, at least try to remember that your not invisible.
Bathroom stalls only cover from your shin on down. From there, the guy next to you can see your pants around your ankles while your belt dips, twists and gyrates like you have an angry marlin on the line. Seriously about the best you can hope for is someone thinking you're in convulsions or an early onset of parkinsons.

4) OK, so you've failed to take the first three precautions. OK, at least have your feet facing the proper direction.
Your pants are around your ankles and your shoes are facing THE TOILET for a good 5 minutes? Either you are 5 years old, have the worst case of stage fright ever, or your playing your own skin solo to "Push the little daisies." Come on man, at least try to make it look like you're doing something else!

5) OK, ya fucked up the first 4 points but now here's some redemption. You can still explain it all away with an enlarged prostate, just finish quietly.
Jesus christ man what the hell are you thinking?!? You've been standing there for 5 minutes, the only sound louder than your contstant "fap-fap-fap" is you breathing like you've been hired for a 900-line and now ... now you got to give us a fucking audio-aid to the fucking money shot? You don't shoot it directly in the water, man! On top of that, the long, exaserated breath you let out is un-fucking-mistakable to anyone's who corralled a tadpole or two.

6) OK, man maybe the urge was just too much. You can still leave with some dignity.
Holy fucking christ on a Ritz cracker, he's actually spinning the toilet paper and cleaning himself off. What the fuck dude? Forget dignity, think about self-preservation. iT'S monday fucking morning right after breakfast. Someone had to hear all that. Don't exacerbate the situation by taking your time to tidy up.

7) Ok no chance left at dignity. Just steal away like a thief in the night.
I finish my constitutional and make my way to the sink when there are three guys sitting out there chatting. I look down at their shoes and FOR FUCKSAKE! You don't fucking hang around and loiter after that. What possible fucking explaination could you have? And not only that, now I get to see you in person and try and decide do I make fucking eye contact? Will you think I'm interested if I do? What the fuck!?!

So I did the only rational thing, I kept my head down and made my way to the sink. But as soon as someone initiated conversation I spun around, glared at the chronic masturbator and did my best evil monkey impersonation ....

Hey if it keeps him from coming around me - or near me for that matter - I'm all for it.

ps. Aside from the evil monkey stare, this blog post is 100% truth.

Yet More Random Pissings

2008-03-21T21:03:00.000-05:00

After several high-profile "gay sex" scandals it seems the Republicans are coming around to the fact that homosexuality is genetic and not a choice. White House press secretary had this to say: "With the recent news and scientific research. The Republican party wants to acknowledge that Senator Larry Craig - and many like him - did not CHOOSE to have gay sex in a men's bathroom; instead they were BORN to have gay sex in a men's bathroom."

Kerry Wood has been named the Chicago Cub's closer for the 2008 season ... That is all.

Borrowed: When I go out, I want to go like my granpa - quietly and in his sleep ... Not screaming like the rest of the passengers in his car.

Paris Hilton wants to pick her new BFF in a reality tv show. Paris wants to be able to impart her knowledge upon her about things such as: how to be useless on $5,000,000 a day, proper cell phone etiquette during sex, and how to hide a herpes outbreak and while flashing your hoo-hah to anyone with a camera.

With the trade of QB Brian Griese and no offseason movement, the Chicago Bears will enter their July camp with Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton, and a quarterback to be named later. If you ask me, the QB depth chart is shaping up like a washed-up hooker: two useless boobs and a big gaping hole.

Welcome to the Dumbest Thing I've Heard this year - Part I

2008-03-19T08:35:00.000-05:00

Read the article here and see the commentary.

The story goes undercover cops served warrants in a dangerous neighborhood. A 20yo, known drug dealer, was a bystander on the street at the time and snapped a picture with his cell phone. The cops approached him, arrested him, and confiscated his phone. IMHO this would be a violation of rights and it will probably end in a lawsuit. A few of the "9/11!!!eleventy!!!", "if your not with us your with the tuhrist!" morons then went off comparing this to people who think dangerously - you know, people who do not want their rights violated. They then called the guy a scumbag who got what he deserved. When I pointed out what if THEY had taken the picture would it be ok for the cops to arrest them? I got two of the dumbest fucking responses I have ever read. Be warned, your IQ and faith in humanity will plummet after reading what follows:

GONASA: "The only rights getting trampled are those of pushers, pimps and terrorists. Which of those are you?"
What is scary and sad is that not only does he believe this, he's ok with it. I'm not going to cry for pushers, pimps, or terrorists but what people fail to see is the slippery slope. When we allow police to decide - on the spot - what rights you have, we have become a fascist state.

But for all of GONASA's naivete, lack of education, and latent stupidity, he couldn't even put a blip on my radar compared to JoeyG. Of course, it came from a "Bushy." It's always these over-the-top, you're with us or the turrists!, dumb fucks that come up with the best stupidity. Today, it comes from JoeyG in Florida. To be honest, if I were a grown man and still going by "Joey" I'd have to kick my own ass. OK, here's what JoeyG has to say ... best read while humming "God Bless America" (bold added by me):

When the cops are doing something harmul to the law abiding public, or being crooked (and I don't define crooked as taking a drug dealers phone away), or when most the cops are working with the bad guys like they have done so often in the past, THEN we should stand up and confront the enemy and stop it. That isn't happening now. We have isolated incidences, but NOTHING like it is in most other countries and Nothing like it was here back in the early to mid 20th century.
But you guys are acting like this cop was conspiring with Al Capone or Osama Bin Laden and that he did something so bad.
The people that believe that are absolutely PARANOID. These are the same type people that are against the patriot act, vote for Ron Paul for the wrong reason, think the goverment is involved in some conspiracy against it's citizens, think many if not most cops are bad, put a criminals perceived civil rights in front of a law abiding citizens right to life, think that 9/11 was an "inside job", think that waterboarding is torture, think that a cop unlawfully taking a drug dealers phone means we are on the verge of MARTIAL LAW...NAZI style.
You guys have been so brain washed, it's made you totally paranoid and the paranoia has rendered your brain incapable of using logic.
So pathetic I can't even begin to tell you.
I suppose you also think it should be ILLEGAL to interview and interrogate muslims with backpacks getting ready to enter a mall (while chanting their final prayer), without interviewing and interrogating every other person with backpacks entering the mall too. God forbid we miss the school kids with their back packs. Certainly this violates the muslims civil rights.
And in many areas of the country that have very high populations of ILLEGAL immigrants, we can't pull them over at any higher rate than any other group, even though it is a FACT that most don't have drivers licenses, many insurance, and they are 3 times more likely to be driving under the influence than other white drivers.
I can give you a MILLIONS scenarios where it's in our best interest to use some common sense and logic, instead of the perceived MINOR violation of the persons civil rights.
Republican or democrat, either way, it's detestable.

Patriot act? Check. Turrists!? Check. Illegal immigrants? Check. Veiled racism? Check. Bushy? Check. Yes folks, I couldn't even make-up something that stupid. There is a reason on Fark that Florida has it's own tag. God Bless America you damn proud American!

Morton Walmart can Suck My Nuts

2008-03-17T23:08:00.000-05:00

As always, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping so I went to the local Walmart for presents for my three kids and my girlfriend's daughter. I had about thirty things going on at once that day but the kids come first so I took my time buying thoughtful presents for all of them. After shopping for about two hours, I had a cart loaded for Christmas and made my way to the front. Of course, there were plenty of people just like me so I sat in line for another 20 minutes waiting my turn patiently.

Once to the front, the girl at the counter did her job getting me my packages and quickly bagging them. I then loaded my cart back up. It was overflowing as I dropped a little over 3 bills just there.

As I made my way back to the front of the store to exit I was accosted by a Walmart greeter\douchebag who walked directly in my path and said, "Sir, I need to see your receipt."

You know, if I hadn't just spent 2.5 hours in your store and dropped over $300 I may have been in a better mood but I wasn't. On top of that, no one NEEDS to see anything of mine. You may WANT to, but you don't NEED to. So I simply looked at him and said "No".

Apparently, the really nice old people from the commercials are just that. In commercials. Because this guy became aggressive. "I NEED to look at your receipt," he stated more firmly this time.

I just spent all that time, now this douchebag wants to go through every item in my cart (probably 30-40 things with stocking stuffers) to make sure the cashier didn't miss a 99 cent bobble? Really? Obviously my winning personality came out as I can't stand little men who think they hold some sort of power.

"Ask the girl that just checked me out, I'm sure she' got a copy," I shot back and kept walking toward the door.

The guy then followed me out the door fucking BELLOWING "SIR! ... SIR!!!" So now, in a packed Walmart with people coming and going, this asshole decides to make a scene like I'm some guy walking out with all the fucking gold in Fort Knox. Once about 20 feet outside, I heard him very condescendingly yell "Have a NICE DAY sir!"

What a classy guy and a classy place! I've decided since then that my money is better spent elsewhere whenever possible. Not that Walmart gives a shit but maybe they'll start caring when more people quit using their store because of the greeter gestapo who has way, way, way too much time on their hands and a over-abundance of self-importance.

Walmart can get fucked.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T21:34:00.000-05:00

I am late with my St. Patty's day well-wishes because I think the server techs for Comcast are all fucking stupid and drunk which is not a good combination.

Anyhow, I ate a ton of corned beef and cabbage and two reubens. I'm on my 3rd green beer. St. Patrick's day is Irish christmas.

Favorite St. Patrick's phrase of all time came when my brother and I spent a St. Patty's day bar-hopping (must be said with an Irish accent of course): Oooohh, we're gonna get so Irish!

Dear Negro Community

2008-03-09T22:54:00.001-05:00

The History Channel's new show "Ax Men" is not a quiz, self-help, or talk show. Please quit sending complaints about "false advertising."

Thank you,
The FCC

Da First Church of Da Coach

2008-03-09T18:54:00.000-05:00

New blog, you know the drill. A satirical look at Chicago Bear Nation with over the top commentary and some news along the way. Kinda like this blog but only dedicated to Chicago football.

Check it out here.

The Brett Favre Revisionist History

2008-03-07T11:19:00.001-06:00

I said I wouldn't write about it, but I just cannot help myself. The national fellation of Brett Fav-ruh has begun. Writers are tripping over themselves trying to out-do each other on who can make the biggest, douchiest statements and compare Fav-ruh to Michael Jordan, sliced bread, and the 2nd coming of Christ himself. Here's a look at revisionist history from this week:

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): The Giants upset the Packers in the NFC Championship Game at Lambeau Field, denying Favre a chance at wining his third Super Bowl.
Actually this is the tip of the revisionist iceberg. I saw comments saying "Thanks for all the Super Bowls Brett!!!" That would be like me saying "Thanks for all the Super Bowls Rex!!!" It's been 11 years since Fav-ruh won his ONLY Super Bowl; "all those Super Bowls" means getting them two 2 in 1996 and 1997. He returned the following year to get trounced by Denver even as a 14.5-point favorite. The closest Green Bay would ever come again was this season when they lost the NFC Championship game at Lambeua as 12.5-point favorites.
You would think the Senior NFL Writer at Sportsline would know this ... but then you read Pete Prisco and realized the error in your assumption.

John Madden, scores of blogs, national articles, and countless polls: Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback ever!
Most of the rabid meatheads will spout all the records Favre has set while kinds omitting the obvious stuff like ... Since the 1997 Super Bowl, Fav-ruh has a 3-7 record in the playoffs and has several emabarassing post-season performances. The guy played 17 seasons as an iron-man, but has only one Super Bowl ring and more post-season failures than successes. Calling him the best ever is homre-ism at best.

Favre's Agent James "Bus" Cook: "Nobody pushed Bret Favre out the door, but then nobody encouraged him not to go out that door, either,"
Oh my god, they made Fav-ruh retire. You bastards!
Let's not forget that this guy was elevated to God-like status in Wisconsin and each of the last five years has held the organization over a barrel with the same "Will he retire, won't he retire" offseason. Let's also forget that Green Bay welcomed him back AGAIN this season even after 2005 and 2006 campaigns in which he posted some of the worst ratings of his life while compiling a 12-20 record.
To be honest, I would have encouraged Fav-ruh to retire before the 2007 if I were the GM. With young talent waiting in the wings and very little fan expectations, retirement would have better benefitted the Packers. With this last season and the way it ended in a decimating loss, Green Bay will likely struggle next season as they transition to a new quarterback and try to pickup the pieces from 2007. But don't tell that to Favre or Jame "throw the Packers organization under the Bus" Cook.

Mark Kriegel (Fox Sports): His accomplishments as a quarterback might be quantifiable, but his virtues are not. There's a reason Brett Favre is regarded as a kind of national treasure, that the affection directed his way violates all demographic suppositions, cutting across all the usual divides of race, class, sex and geography.
Really? Aside from the author, John Madden, and Peter King, Fav-ruh is a fucking national treasure? What demographics does he "cut accross"? Obese, middle-aged, white guys in Wisconsin is his core demographic. The only reason people revere him is for what he's done on the field. PERIOD. Do we really need to point out his shortcomings especially early in his career of being a bullheaded-douchebag and not a good teammate? Of course not, this is revisionist history. Those pesky drug and alcohol addictions need not be mentioned either.

Of course, I went out to a couple of message boards and decided to have some fun with the fans. Maybe it was when I pointed out Favre's lack of rings since he quit drinking and drugs, maybe it was when someone suggested a "suicide-watch" for Packer-nation and I told him "that would imply we want to stop them", or maybe it was just me being me. One passionate wordsmith had this to say:

"Hey shit-head, faggot Bear fuck! You're just jealous Brett Favre is better than any quarterback in history and if you say otherwise you're lying to yourself. The fucking Bears could combine Orton and Grossman together and they still wouldn't have the talent Favre has in his left nut! Even though the greatest QB ever retired (maybe) the Packers STILL made it to the NFC Championship this year and have the talent to go to the Super Bowl next season. Sleep well knowing that assfuck!!!"

I thought about several ways of answering this. I could point out Chicago has been to more Super Bowls in the past decade than Green Bay - with less-accomplished quarterbacks. I could point out that I may be a fag but at least I'm unfamiliar with the talent-level of my favorite QB's left nut. But I figured a picture was worth a thousand words (and maybe a couple more from the caption):

I sleep on a pile of discarded, unopened "2007 NFC Champion Green Bay Packer" memorabilia. The tears of Brett Favre make it more comfortable than it sounds!

Beowulf

2008-02-07T10:10:00.000-06:00

OK, the blog post for this will be upcoming for this crapimation piece of flaming shrek shit but I ask one question: With all of the big name stars in this movie, why - oh God why - did they have one of the Wayans brothers play the queen???

Blog to follow soon ...

This Woman Nearly Hit Me at a Drive Thru

2008-02-06T21:55:00.000-06:00

After this biatch cut me off and ran over the back of my shoe, she refused to even look at me while I berated her for being the fat, loud, ignorant piece of Green Bay Packer rootin' cocktaster that she is ... So I snapped her picture for an LOL Fat Cat.

Poker and Life

2008-02-03T17:55:00.000-06:00

Sure, I have always been a gambler but Poker always fascinated me. I began by reading a book on the subject and then watched a video. In the last 3 weeks, I have become better than 90% of amateur players. My game is solid and I am improving with each hand, each tourney, each passing day. The one thing I have learned is that Poker and Life work together in such a way that it would surprise many. Think of poker as useful philosophy. A never ending learning process of strategy and psychology where luck plays its part but nowhere near the extent those who do not know may believe.

Granted, I am still an amateur so I cannot bring any light to those who have been playing for years. I am still green and learning the ropes, but if anyone knows me, the learning curve for me is always about 10x greater than those around me. Benefits of a high IQ, a mind for numbers, and a unmistakable and unshakable competitive spirit. Poker is a metaphor for life. A couple of hard lessons I have learned:

1. If you don't have "the nuts", don't put it all on the line. In poker, you must be tempered. "The Nuts" does not refer to your cahonas; it refers to the best possible hand you can havein a given situation. Amateurs watch TV and see pros going "All In" on a hand. It's exciting, it's exhilirating, and it's often really stupid and desperate. Risking everything is only a good idea if you are short-stacked with very little outs. Going "all in" in life is the equivalent of mortgaging your future for a gamble or even worse.

2. If you're short stacked, learn to be selective. Everyone gets down on their luck. Fortunes wither and nearly disappear. It's time to tighten the belt and only spend the money when there is a chance of bettering your position.

3. When you are in a position of power, lean on your opponent. Power is for the brave. If you cannot wield your power to impose your will or better your position ... what's the use of having power?

4. Reigned in aggression is the key to being successful. It's a mix of aggression and patience. When you are strong be fearless; when you are weak, wait your turn patiently and do not act until you are sure you can take the upper hand.

5. If you're going to bluff, make sure you know your opponent. This is a clear and unmitigated fact. You know your opponent and every angle before you decide to bluff.

6. Distractions will kill you. If you're going to play for real make sure you can concentrate for as long as the game is going. Taking care of the kids, conversating with your spouse, watching tv ... you can do all that when you're done.

7. Learn from every experience. As with anything in life, this is key. Poker players need to have a LONG memory to not only recognize situations but learn from their mistakes.

8. Know when to fold a loser. You're 2-7 offsuit is not going to hold up against a flop of A-K-J so no matter what you got in the middle someone's got the nuts and you are fucked. Get out!

Comcast vs. BitTorrent

2008-01-29T12:18:00.000-06:00

For those who may have Comcast as their ISP for cable broadband, there are a couple of things you may want to know. First, Comcast has been publicly documented as trying to quash BitTorrent uploaders which has caused quite a backlash. Recently, however, it has come to my attention that Comcast is also trying to strangle out file sharers as well.

After several trials of using BitTorrent with Azuerus as the download manager, Comcast is seemingly dropping "passive" client connections. So if you start your BitTorrent download and leave it - with no active internet activity aside from the downloads - for anywhere from 15 minutes to a couple of hours, Comcast is dropping your DHCP account leaving you offline until you notice the problem and power-cycle your modem (or release\renew your ipconfig).

After realizing this was happening, I coded a very small EXE that utitlizes the Web Browser control supplied by Microsoft dating back to Visual Basic 5.0. The executable acts as any other browser but selects about a half-dozen websites and actively navigates them roughly every couple of minutes. Since using this EXE, Comcast "drops" have become minimal if non-existent. The last round of tests included 6 rather larger torrents (from 700mb to 4.09gb) and Azureus was able to continuously download all files. Comcast had not "dropped" the ISP connection in well over 3 days of passive downloading (mixed with our new "active" executable that is).

For those with Comcast, you can contact me and I'll be happy to give you the specs for the EXE or even provide a working copy: comcastsux@gooutcheap.com

Superbowl Best Bets

2008-01-29T08:41:00.000-06:00

With the Super Bowl coming up this Sunday, America braces for what is sure to be a long, boring crapfest filled with East coast douchebags and networks like the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network fellating Tom Brady and the Manning family ad nauseum. With the 24/7 coverage however comes an opportunity to make some coinage on some lesser known prop bets this week. Just do a little research, keep your eyes glued to the 498 channels with live Super Bowl coverage and you're bound to glean some inside scoop. Here's some of the more profitable prop bets I have found:

- Announcers to mention Archie\Eli\Peyton Manning OVER 3.64 Million times in 5 hours broadcast laying 190 to win 100
- Framed pictures of hunky Tom Brady OVER 1,290 laying 320 to win 1.99
- Peyton Manning stealing Eli's spotlight by coming out of the closet laying 30 to win 50
- Rex Grossman fumbling the snap from center laying 50 to win 50
- Richard Seymour acting like a dickhead laying 500 to win 30 cents
- New England fans acting all smug and douchey laying 1000 to win a nickel
- Number of times audio catching Giants fans yelling "Hey Brady suck on dis!" OVER 7,200 laying 200 to win 100
- Pacman Jones starts a fight in a strip club during the game laying 3,000 to win a dollar
- Bill Belichik being arrested for being Zodiac laying 20 to win 150
- Randy Moss has to choke a bitch laying 50 to win 10

As far as the game goes I have to say that New England is by far the better team. Offensively I'd take Tom Brady and Randy Moss over Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress. Defensively I'd take Seymour and Asante Samuel over Michael Strahan and Sam Madison. On Special Teams I'll take Gostkowski over "Third Tynes a charm." So basically, if you're looking for a prediction, I'll give it to ya:

Tom Brady and the Pats winning the Super Bowl is like sex with Kobe Bryant - yell and scream all ya want it's still gonna happen. Pats 27, Giants 21.

Coen brothers steal more awards

2008-01-28T09:11:00.000-06:00

If any of you watched that crapfest turned crtically aclaimed piece of shit, "No Country for Old Men" the Coen brothers managed to make another pointless movie, devoid of plot, devoid of feeling and turn it into gold shit. *** SPOILERS AHEAD ***

A Coen brothers movie is sorta like watching a Tarantino movie minus witty dialogue, fast-paced plot, well-developed characters, and less action. Hell, even Llwewellyn's, who they tried yet painfully failed to center the movie around, final shooutout was almost an afterthought. We see him threatening the main psychopath (the 2nd of three main characters), see some half-assed "detective" work by some "other" bad guys, and suddenly we arrive on the scene long after anything of interest has taken place. Main character: dead. While that was really neat and tidy.

Basically this movie was one long, tiring look at people who we had nothing invested in and no real reason to care what happens to them. Instead of playing some kickass, Texas ranger Tommy Lee Jones comes off as a geriatric emo kid. Anton, the main psycopath, kills people but relies on some code they allude to but never explain and really who gives a fuck. The guy drives some 100+ miles during the movie with nothing but a "bug-detector" device to find the stolen money and just happens to 1) drive in the exact direction as the guy running, and 2) get the bug detector in range to find the hotel and the room the money is hiding. That's some great fucking writing right there!

In conclusion, "No Country for Old Men" was about 60 shades of stupid and the Coen brothers failed to fall back on retarded accents and dialogue like they did in Fargo.

T.O. 'L Cats

2008-01-26T16:25:00.000-06:00

Out of respect for T.O. and his amazing season, I just wanted to commemorate what he's done for the NFL. And by respect I mean "complete and utter disdain." And by amazing I mean "absolute FAIL." And by commemorate I mean "incessantly ridicule." And by NFL I mean "douchebaggery." Now that we got that out of the way, I bring you T.O. 'L cats:

Please feel free to E-mail me your own or post in the comments!

Early pictures from the Cubs Convention

2008-01-26T09:55:00.000-06:00

Despite it was held last weekend in the near freezing cold, Cub fans came out in droves to show love to their team. Even better came the news that Chicago would continue to be owned by the Tribune Company .. and - of course - every other team in Major League Baseball!

I'm going to hell

2008-01-25T08:20:00.001-06:00

This picture makes me laugh and sums up everything I have ever said about rap music:

5 Year Old Logic

2007-12-21T22:08:00.000-06:00

So, last year I was in Denver for the New Year. The year before that I had all the kids and let them watch the ball drop the day after. My son is too young to remember it but my daughter does.

This year, my ex-wife will have the kids but I was telling my son about how the ball drops in New York. I told him when it gets 10 seconds to midnight the crowd counts down from 10 and the ball starts to drop in the middle of the city. When the crowd hits 1, the next thing they yell is "Happy New Year!!!"

So yesterday Connor came into the kitchen with some questions I really didn't understand at first. Something about "who drops the ball." When I pressed him, he broke it down for me :-)

"Ok dad, remember how you told me about the counting and the ball?" he asked.

"Yeah, buddy."

"Ok, so the people count and there's a big ball and they yell right?"

"Yeah, buddy."

"And the ball is in the middle of all those people?"

"Yeah, pal. Right in the middle of New York."

"OK. So who drops the ball? Is it God or is it Jesus?"

Santa Responds

2007-11-27T21:00:00.000-06:00

So I think the mailman screwed up or was having a little fun. Yesterday, I went out to my mailbox and found my normal mail but also some letters addressed to Santa. I figure, the fat man has a lot going this year so I better answer for him.

Santa,what do you do if you get burnt going down a chimney? Do wear fire-proof clothes or child-proof clothes?
Tobiasz, 11, Ferndown, United Kingdom
Let me get this straight? You're gonna light a fire in your chimney when you know I'm on my way? No I don't wear fire-proof clothes, I just skip your house and maybe burn it the fuck down on my way back out of town. Jesus, do you let out your rotweiler loose when the UPS truck pulls up? Well do you, ya limey little bastard?

Can you come to my house Christmas eve when were opening presents like you did when I was a baby.
Scott, 7, Norwalk, California
Sorry, Scott, I wish I could but your mommy gave me a raging case of the clap. Mrs. Clause was pissed and I was out on my ass for a couple weeks.

I think its rather suspicious how you get around the world so quickly and all the time zones of the world meet at the North Pole, where you live!
Alan, 24, Fargo, North Dakota
I think it's very suspicious a 24-yo closeted, homosexual would be mailing Santa Claus. And judging from your wishlist of butt plugs and homo-erotic videos, I doubt I'll by stoppin' by your house anytime soon unless that little fag Driller gets hardup.

You are so kewl i mean you are really smart, I bet you got 100% on every report card.
Chad, 12, Calgary, Alberta
Oh Christ, I can't even begin to tell you how fucking stupid your letter is. When Santa got report cards he had A's and B's on them not percentage points you dolt. What are you some home-schooled, fucking retard? Oh wait, you're Canadian. All is explained.

O.K I wish that many people should not be so racism ,thats my wish for all the people out there!!
Katharina, 17, Wiggins, Mississippi
That's wonderful Katharina, and when I get around to granting wishes to fucking retarded kids I'll put you first on the list. You're 17 and can barely write legibly? Jesus, do yourself a favor and find some nice black guy with a huge dick to knock you up and so you can spend your life on welfare. Stupid fucking cracker.

My Daddy says that my halo is still in the shop. They had to order extra parts because it needed so many repairs but it should be ready for Chrismas!
Sara, 10, Hamilton, Ontario
Well, Sara it sounds like your daddy is just a big a douchebag as you. Since I don't reward delusional little crotch-fruit like yourself, I'll just have to shit in your stocking and cockpunch your daddy. Sweet dreams princess.

Why can't we email your elves? I think its because they are alyays busy with the presents.
Carlene, 9, Depew, New York
That's a very good question Carlene and since you asked so nicely I'll tell you. There are no such things as elves. All of my toys are made in Bengladeshi sweat shops. Elves are too fucking expensive to pay and pretty faggy too boot.

Don't forget to feed the reigndeer it's a long trip to my home
Vicente, 11, San Fernando, Philippines
Unfortunately, I did that last year. Sorry about that but your family was the only thing I had handy. How's the orphanage?

I'm moving on Dec. 21st. Please call my daddy for directions if you don't know where my house is.
Ashley, 5, Ladera Ranch, California
Sorry, Ashley I tried calling your daddy but his new trophy wife answered. She said you're kinda a little cunt and that if I skip your house, she'll give me a blowjob. Welcome to the real world kid.

merry xmas and dont get drunk xmas eve because if you get drunk and drive the sliegh you might crash.
Jenna, 10, Tasmania, Australia
... or even worse, I could conceive a know-it-all, smart-ass little twat like you who I'll hate forever much like the disdain your parents have for you. (Sorry, that may be the Wild Turkey talking)

Hi Santa, This is Jordan's mom, I told Jordan that she needs to act a little nicer if she wants you to come on Christmas.
Jordan, 3, Parkersburg, West Virginia
Hey there Jordan's mom, I certainly remember you being awfully naughty last year. Wasn't that you who gang-fucked half the guys in the mail room at your company's x-mas party? Tell Jordan not to fret ... and just like last year, don't worry about the chimney, I'll cum in your backdoor.

I'll get to bed early so you can stop at my house and stay on schedule. You have some major traveling to do.
Star, 8, Fishers, Indiana
That's very thoughtful of you but with a name like Star you probably live in one of those damn hippy communes. The smell of ganja and b.o. really puts off the reindeer and no fucking picnic for Santa either. Maybe your parents can make you a new hemp dress and buy you some crystals. Good look being a drain on society for the next 50-60 years of your life.

I have been a little naughty this year but heah you know nobody is perfect! well except that little girl in the movie a wonderful life... but she was just acting.
Kelly, 14, Vancouver, British Columbia
Hmmm, fourteen and a "naughty" little-girl, eh? Yeah, I'm gonna show up with a whole bunch of fucking presents and Chris Hansen's gonna be sitting on your couch with a fucking camera pointed at the fire place. Better luck next year, cock-blocker!

I wish that I was good. I promise to be very very good. I gave a whole dollar to the Salvation Army today.
Mohammed, 6, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Hey kid, who we kiddin'? With a name like Mohammed that moeny ain't going to an "army" but Hezbollah. I tell you what, I'll bring you a brand new chemistry set and you promise not to go all jihad on me and the reindeers? We got a deal?

My mom saw an elf peeking in our window last night. we have been watching for pointy elf hats now.
Emily, 5, Rochester, New York
Oh, Emily, that wasn't an elf. All elves are up in the north pole making presents for children all around the world. That was the boogeyman. You see, he preys on single-mom's and their trusting children during this time of the year. You think it's an elf until he's knawing off your face while sodomizing your mother with his three-pronged, barbed penis. My advice, lock the doors and pray for a quick death.

OK, that was just the first batch I went through. Man I am so full of holiday spirit right now I feel like drop kicking Salvation Army volunteers until my legs get sore.

Ho-ho-ho biatches.

Rex-erection

2007-11-13T15:52:00.000-06:00

Note: With regards to the guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

You all thought he was dead. The season along with it. And then comes Sunday when the Sex Cannon ... 210-lbs of twisted steal and sex appeal ... came off the bench and showed that the dragon is not dead. You can't slay the dragon. A beautiful 59-yard bomb to Bernard Berrian and the Chicago fans were in Rextasy. I think even Berrian came a little bit when he caught it.

That's right, the Sex Cannon is back and all signs point to him making all the Rexettes and Seattle cheerleaders all wet this week. You want the dragon? You want the dragon? You can't handle the dragon! You want him in that huddle! You need him in that huddle!

The season was almost dead. We were on life support and our beloved Sex Cannon came off the bench, grabbed the season by the throat, and raped life back into the motherfucker. That's the way it's done in the sexy business!

Behold Chicago. The playoffs are waiting. I believe. This is our Rex-erection!

Dog the Bounty Hunter

2007-11-03T12:35:00.000-05:00

If you haven't seen all the things going on with Duane "Dog" Chapman, look it up and then come back. For those of you who do know what's going on, read on.

There has been a lot of debate lately in internet message boards and the media about "Dog" and whether he's a racist or not. After reading the full conversation with his son, realizing it was a terse exchange, and seeing the aftermath, I have come to a couple conclusions.

First, the use of the word "nigger" in regards to Tucker's girlfriend seems completely appropriate for her AND Tucker. What kind of douchebag would tape his own father and use that to not only profit but hurt his entire family. It's not just Dog he sold out, it's his stepmother, his uncles, his brothers and sisters both young and old.

Second, the "that's racist" horde that comes out in droves from these things are not only frighteningly stupid but old-reliable predictable. A&E needs to fire Dog, they should be boycotted, et al. Why? Because of a word. I guess if Dog had been talking about "hymietown" or catching the "white devil" or splittin' some "cracker's" head, this wouldn't have even been a blip on the radar.

Some interesting messages I came accross, paraphrased:

"Dog was wrong and if I was Tucker I would have done the same thing!"
This is pretty prevalent or some version of it. It's not surprising that in a "me-first" society of douchebags do we find people with this reaction. If my daddy hurts my widdle feelings I'm gonna take it out on my entire family because I am a special little snow flake. Get Fucked!

"Dog is a racist murderer and he's getting what he deserves!"
Yeah, basically saying "nigger" in a heated exchanged has magically wiped out all of the good this guy has done. The years he served for murder - which he maintains his innocence - and being the posterboy for rehabilitation means nothing when you use a racial epitath no matter how appropriate the use of the word was. His honors from law enforcement. His capture of Andrew Luster. The hundreds of people who credit him for helping them get off drugs. Yeah, he's a racist so none of that matters, let's just stone him.

"Good. I hate that guy. His show sucks. I want to reach in the tv in rip his throat out."
This is a very common theme. What amazes me in this day and age there are still thousands of people without DVRs, or tivos, or - seemingly - REMOTE FUCKING CONTROLS.

I could go on but it's too easy to bash the stupid. Regardless, though I am disappointed in this situation, Dog's private conversation has little to no bearing on how I perceive him. Some people will disagree and some will use this as an opening to try and tear down the man. Those are the true racists and hate-mongers.

Hang in there, brah.

Brian Griese, who you crappin?

2007-10-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

This was my contribution to The Boers and Bernstein Show tonight on the segment "Who You Crappin'?" If any of you listen to 670AM The Score out of Chicago, my moniker is "Paul Edinger's Chess Set".

FROM: Paul Edinger's Chess Set

This crap goes out to Chicago QB Brian Griese. Brian, in his post-game press conference told reporters he called every play of the final 97-yard drive except for the game-winning touchdown. On Tuesday, Brian redacted the statement and accused the media of blowing what he said out of proportion. After that here is what I gleaned from the press conference:

Prior to the game, Griese met with the defense, and used his mystical, Miagi-like ways to heal Brian Urlacher's back.

During the game, Brian used his patented jedi-mind tricks to sway Ed Hochulee into several favorable calls.

During the final drive he and Pep Hamilton used a combination of lip-reading and Vulcan mind meld to keep the plays coming in from Ron Turner.

And finally, it wasn't that his helmet audio malfunctioned, it was the fact that he couldn't hear it over the sound of his own awesomeness.

Brian, you lead one of the greatest comeback drives in Bear history. Possibly in the top 20 in NFL history for the sheer difficulty. But let's not get too full of ourselves only to be sent out, tail between your legs, with some half-assed excuse as to how you were misconstrued. So next time your about to spout off at the podium, stop, remember all if this is being RECORDED, and ask yourself: Who you crappin'?

Stupidity brought to you by the Numbers 7, 0, and 0 and letters C, L, U, and B

2007-10-24T08:51:00.000-05:00

Read the stupidity

Suffer Not the Trick-or-Treaters By Lori D'Augostine
*** Warning: The following article is a whole boatload of stupid.

How can you resist? How could anyone refuse adorable little children all dressed up, longing for sweets? I could, and I did for years. Truth be told, I was one of those irresistable children dressed up in a bunny costume, ringing your doorbell, and singing my "Trick or Treat" song.
There's a song? Really? How does it go.

Yet I was hiding behind a mask, and you coudn't see the "real me."
Costumes hide your identity. Thanks for the tip Mrs. Obvious.

If you had, you may have noticed that what I really needed was more than just your candy.

You were a naughty, naughty girl and needed a good spanking, right?

Though I didn't grow up in a Christian household, my parents were very concerned with protecting me from harmful influences -- whether it be the cartoons I watched or the video games I played. They had no idea that their daughter was falling prey to a much more dangerous world that went beyond the physical, parental-controlled television set.
You mean growing up with a sandy vagina?

My interest in the spiritual realm began very innocently in elementary school. My girlfriends and I would play games such as "light as a feather, stiff as a board" at our birthday parties. It seemed like harmless fun, until my best friend was lifted into thin air by what seemed like more than just the two fingers that I placed beneath her.
You may want to look up that word "spiritual", I don't think it means what you think it means. The "light as a feather" trick is what some people refer to as SCIENCE and is simply a trick.

By fifth grade, I was fascinated with Friday the 13th and was convinced that "Jason" was peering through my windows at night.
It's not Jason's fault you are a dumbass.

Now I realize that most children believe that there are monsters underneath their beds, but my fixation didn't go away.
Correction, it's not the world's fault you are a dumbass.

In middle school, I met some friends who introduced me to another world. They told me that they could contact the dead and learn hidden secrets about their lives. I'll never forget the time I asked the ouija board who I would marry. It replied, "the Devil." That's when I knew that I was in a very dangerous place.
Yes, I remember watching that FOX special "When Ouija's Attack!" Really, you're how old now and still don't realize Ouija is about as real as Santa sodomizing the Easter Bunny on top of a thanksgiving turkey, right? RIGHT? Oh fuck, people really are this stupid. You ma'am are the reason cults exist.

Sadly, the demonic hauntings I experienced growing up are common among many young children today. I would venture to say that 20 years later, it has gotten much worse. The lures of the Enemy are running more rampant. Chidren do not have to sneak over to their friends' houses to access demonic influences. There are online ouija boards that require only a mouse, as well as thousands of Web sites that specifically recruit young people to join the occult.
No, dumbass people with no touch of reality like yourself are the reason people turn to the occult. Your entire premise is that scary movies, Halloween, and stupid children's games are turning people to the occult and still "haunt" you. My fucking God, I wish Jason was sitting outside your home; maybe he would've slapped the reality back into your ignorant ass.

Occultic-oriented rock performers have flourished in this generation.
Yes, like Judas Priest, Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden ... "Hello, yes. One second, please." ... Hey numbnuts, the 1980's is on the phone and wants to have a word with you!

Some rockers even try to persuade teenage listeners to kill themselves and their parents.
God, here's to hoping your kids are 1) listening to these "rockers", and 2) they are equally as stupid as their mother.

The influence of the occult has been behind some of the most horrific school shootings of this past decade.
Oh yes, I am sure you have proof of this of course. Pish-posh, she's a bible-thumper, proof has no bearing in this world. Oh yes, I remember the Occult of the Latter Day Satanists were behind Columbine and Virginia Tech. This single sentence is so chock full of fail I can't even begin to fathom it.

Seventeen-year-old Luke Woodham killed two students and wounded seven others in his Mississippi school after he became involved in Satanism, which he said bestowed "power over many things."
Eric Rudolph was convicted of several bombings in which 3 people were killed and nearly 150 more were wounded. Rudolph was part of the Christian Identity Movement. You're play now douchenozzle, I bet I can find about 1,000-to-1 of "christians" who kill in the name of God.

This is the state of some of the American children who are showing up at your doorstep on October 31st. I'm not saying that each of them are secret agents of the occult, yet it is important to consider the souls of the children behind the masks.
Wow, so every child who shows up at my doorstep for candy is basically a soulless, soon-to-be homicidal satanist. Like so many others before them. Generalities. Let me show you them.

In Matthew 19:14 (NIV) Jesus instructed:"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Random bible verse to drive home your idiotic and fruitless "point?" Check.

Did you ever wonder why Halloween seems to primarily feed off of a market of 3-13 year olds?
Because children 1) love candy and 2) aren't old enough to buy it themselves?

This is a Satanic ploy for our children. I don't think that Christian children should completely abstain from the festivities of costumes and candy, because they can be a light through their alternative behavior.
Um, god-lady? You do realize that Halloween is a Christian holiday correct? I mean they borrowed from another religion (much like most of Christianity) but Halloween is their gig.

[I personally plan on dressing my children up in Biblical and God-honoring characters that will draw people to ask questions.]
Questions such as: "Why do you keep hitting yourself, Moses?" while your son is getting the shit kicked out of him by some kid in a chicken outfit.

I'm talking to those of you who will be opening up your door to children of whom you do not know the state of their soul. Consider the gift that you offer them at your doorstep.
Yes, I must do my God-ly duty and ruin the fun of a bunch of kids acting like, well, KIDS! I feel a sermon is appropriate for every child that knocks on my door. Also, all throw in numbnut here's tale of woe about how sleepovers and horror movies are satans plan to kill you, your parents, and bring back New Coke.

Matthew 7:11 (NIV) says: "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Random bible verse to back up more stupidity that could possibly be related to Halloween? Check.

Consider your options. There are many message-driven alternatives to offer, other than a bowl full of candy. For instance, there are Gospel tracts designed for trick-or-treaters that can be purchased online or at your Christian bookstore. You might also want to consider designing your own tracts or attaching scripture messages to the treats.
You may also want to consider making sure your home-owner's insurance is up to date for when the very pissed off trick-or-treaters return to smash your pumpkin and egg your house for being a total douchenozzle.

Scripture Candy, the makers of Fish Mints™ contain wrappers that have scriptural text.
Ummmmmm, sacrilicious!

Also, EvangeCandy, "the only candy with color-coded Gospels on every wrapper" are fun for children.
Fun for what children? I went to Catholic schools and I would've kicked someone in the head for trying to be preachy with candy. It's candy you dolt!

This Halloween, spiritually invest in your neighborhood children and don't make the mistake that I have made of ignoring the doorbell.
That's not a doorbell. That's reality you dumb coont.

Please do not shut yourself off to this generation. You have a unique opportunity to invest in the Kingdom of God without even leaving your home.
Yes, use Halloween as some sort of reverse Jehovah's Witness. What a fabulous plan. Maybe we can berate their parents for letting the little pagans out as well!

Suffer not these little children and consider how you can protect them from the hauntings of the Enemy.
The only suffering these children will go through is making the mistake of going to your house for candy. The "enemy" is a nice little fairly tale you have conjured up from a huge batch of stupidity mixed with an unhelathy dose of religion.

This woman is lucky she found Christianity because she no doubt has a "next stop Jonestown" type view of the "world." Ya gotta love rantings of mental midgets who think "light as a feather" and "ouija" boards are incontrevertible proof that satan is out there and stealing our children with Halloween. 100%, bonafide, inane drivel. What's scary is that people like this are far more the norm than the exception.

Yet More Random Pissings

2007-10-23T19:22:00.000-05:00

Some headlines that struck me funny:

-- "WabiSabi Labi wants to be more than eBay for exploits." ... Also wants black "bud light guys" to do their commercial

-- "39% of Americans believe we're winning the 'War on Terror'" ... which more than likely means we're losing the "War on Drugs"

-- "Iranian dissidents rally against Ahmadinejad in New York" ... And you thought it was hard to get a cab before

-- "24 die in Iraq peace meeting blast" ... Uhm, guys, you're doing it wrong

-- Only Black Sheep fans will like this: "Bethlehem police nab Israeli with 900 chickens" ... screwed a beagle

-- "Bush urges U.N. to spread freedom" ... or else

Shaking it out:

Recent studies show that if you wear a phone on your ear, you 1) are not nearly as important as you hope to appear, 2) are for all intents and purposes a complete douchebag, and 3) will never get laid without the exchange of currency.

Karaoke nights at the GOP haven't been anywhere near as good since Rep. Mark Foley resigned. I hear he did a KILLER cover of "Turn the Paige".

You know, I am still getting hate mail for this blog and my "This Just In, Your Blog Sucks" site. Does anyone know where one can buy "a bag o' dicks" in order to eat them?

A great retort the other day from a guy when I was poking fun at Popeye's Chicken and their locations that are predominantly in black communities: If loving Popeye's is wrong, I don't want to be white!

Finally: Sometimes it's hard to hear myself over the sound of my own awesomeness!

Senator Larry Craig, who you crappin'?

2007-10-23T18:32:00.000-05:00

This was my contribution to The Boers and Bernstein Show two weeks ago on the segment "Who You Crappin'?" If any of you listen to 670AM The Score out of Chicago, my moniker is "Paul Edinger's Chess Set".

FROM: Paul Edinger's Chess Set in Morton

This crap goes out to, Senator Larry "Really-Really-Really Not Gay" Craig. Craig said that he would resign from the senate, but only if he could not get his conviction for lewd behavior in a public urinal overturned. This week however a judge upheld the conviction. Craig of course toe-tapped around his earlier statement by explaining "I will continue to serve Idaho in the United States Senate, and there are several reasons for that." Several? I can think of only one. With the rash of gay Republican, "toe-tapping" sex scandals of late, one has to believe the men's room at the GOP National convention will be like a rousing rendition of Riverdance. So Larry Craig the next time you're in a public urinal trying to get some hearty man love - first, check your stance and then ask yourself: Who are you crapping?

Scars by Papa Roach

2007-10-13T15:50:00.000-05:00

Hear the song, read the lyrics, experience the suckitude!

This may be the single worst song in the history of rock ballads. It is ignorant, sophmoric emo piece of shit. Papa Roach named the album "Scars" so if this is the best they can do, I'd give up music. Seriously I've had diarhea that sounded better coming out.

So what do ya say, let's breakown this hemrhoid set to music. Of course as any good song does it starts with the chorus. Can someone explain the concept of the chorus to these douches? Actualy the entire song is like one long, painful,retarded chorus.

CHORUS: I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
OK, my son is 4.5 and can't spell ... I bet he could still make something 10x better than this.

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Dude, fucking emo-boy is feeling down and doesn't want his emo-girl to hang out. A bit of advice numbnuts, lock the door or go to a bar and get drunk.

Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
... I suck at rhyming?
... I'm quitting singing?
... my ass wrote this part?
Sadly, all they can say is the dumb fucking chorus again.

[Chorus again]

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
OK as we check the metaphor-o-meter. Water? Check. Drowning? Check. Ending the relationship? Check. Really could this get more contrived?

[Chorus again]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Hey, I heard this before ... but it's not the chorus so I guess they sang the exact same stupid shit again.

Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Wait, drowning, water, trying to help ... hmm, this seems like new lyrics in the song but they seem surprisingly familiar.

Go fix yourself
Oh, here's the big emo, tantrum-throwing douche as he really belts out this line. So deep and convincing.

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
But, in the chorus you're weakness is you care too much. Now you're saying "at least I tried." Maybe next time you should "try" writing a song that doesn't sound like a paint-by-numbers for blind people.

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
This isn't a typo, they actually sing this twice in case you missed it the first time.

They then put the final cherry on top of the turd by singing the chorus two more times. Probably because they ran out of lyrics to repeat from earlier. This has to be dumbest fucking song on the radio and possibly ever written - thats coming from a guy who lived through the 80's. I don't listen to the radio much, and this is Exhibit A in the reason I shouldn't. Seriously, if anyone out there thinks this is a good ballad, I'll personally kick you in the nuts and\or ovaries so you cannot bring any more stupid into this world.

Papa Roach blows donkey cock, and "Scars" should be the theme song of suck.

20 Helpful Cards

2007-10-03T09:45:00.000-05:00

My girlfriend works part-time at a restaurant. The other day, two women were there for dinner. While Angi took their order, one woman very discreetly slid her a card. After taking the order, Angi checked it and it said:

The person with me has a disease called Alzheimers, and therefore her behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you.

I thought, that's a really good idea. But really, this is a million-dollar idea. I began brain-storming for all those times you need to make a statement but couldn't. A card, like a business card, with pre-written instructions to help you in any situation.

With that said, here are my new lines of cards. I don't know how people have made it this long without them:

1) The person with me has a disease called Terrets, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you, fuck face.

2) The person with me has a disease called Alcoholism, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you and keep them coming.

3) The person with me fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, and therefore her appearance is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you and she'll take the check for me being seen with her in public.

4) The person with me, I met on MySpace. If she is ugly, please help me fake explosive diarhea. If she is hot, please offer us shots. Thank you.

5) (ONLY FOR USE WHEN YOU ARE DINING ALONE) ... The person with me has a disease called Schizophrenia, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you from both of us.

6) The person with me is a complete Asshole. Thank you, just had to be said.

7) The person with me has a disease called PMS, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you. Please kill me.

8) The person with me has a condition called Bisexualism, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. If you suffer from the same, please lick her nipples. I'll be in the corner masturbating. Thank you.

9) The person with me has horrendous gas, and therefore do not let them order anything with beans or cabbage. Please be kind and understanding as I have to ride home with them. Thank you.

10) The person with me is just a friend, and therefore her cock-blocking behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you. Here's my cell phone number ____________.

11) The person with me has a severe case of "teh ghey". I, however, am totally straight. Please bring nancy-boy another mohito and me your phone number. Thank you.

12) The person with me thinks all waiters are fags. I told him that is completely erroneous. Please be kind and understanding and only spit in his food. Thank you.

13) The person with me is completely fucking boring, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding and if you see me nodding off, jab me with a fork. Thank you.

14) The person with me has a disease called Pedophilia, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. They dress me up to look older but I am only 13. Please call the police. Thank you.

15) The person with me is a Mac user, and therefore their behavior is completely pretentious. Please understand they'll order something not on the menu. Have the chef shit in some stir fry and garnish it with pubes; they won't know the difference. Thank you.

16) The person with me has a disease called Ghetto, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding when they insist on eating chicken wings for their main course, drink 30 lemonades, and leave you a quarter tip. Thank you.

17) The person with me is a Feminist, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be as condescending as possible and call her sweetheart, buttercup, and - especially - little lady. Give her the fucking check. Thank you.

18) The person with me is a stupid Hippy, and therefore her behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding and try to ignore the ganja and B.O. aroma. And for the love of Christ, would it kill a tree to shave your damn arm pits? Sorry, venting. Thank you.

19) The person with me has a disease called Pro-Life, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please laugh at them mercilessly if they eat anything with egg in it. Thank you.

20) The person with me is a Born-Again Christian, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and do not make eye contact, small talk, or say anything that could possibly be construed as religious. If they happen to sneeze, for the love of Christ, run. Thank you.

Any Total Farkers?

2007-08-22T22:39:00.000-05:00

Right now, my recently approved ... ok, only approved article ... on my new Fark account is #3 in voting on the site. I would love to get it included in the Headline of the Year contest so if any of you TF'ers want to give me a vote it'd be much appreciated.

The article is about discovering an OCD gene in mice. Mice tend to go toward the light when they have the mutated gene and stay in the dark when they do not. The headline (33 votes as of right now) is:

(Yahoo) (Obvious) Green light? Please, c'mon, I'll change. C'mon, green light. This is the last one, I swear. Green light, pleeeeease

Thanks to any TF'ers who give me some love!

Human Teddy Bears

2007-07-16T20:07:00.000-05:00

Something you people without children will never know is how great it can be to hug your children. Think about a favorite blanket, stuffed animal, etc. from your childhood. Now add real life action and a heartbeat. My kids are wonderful. I like to think I did something right by them. I'm not anywhere near perfect but damn I like to think that I was able to give them something more than myself.

OK, gotta run. My boo-ba-loo teddy bear is calling me.

ps. If you were expecting an edgy or patently offensive article sorry to disappoint. Thinking about my children a lot lately ... so go fuck yourself.

Political Correctness is lost on 4 year olds

2007-07-11T10:54:00.000-05:00

The other day I met my parents at the park where they had taken my son and daughter. My son, Connor, always the one to speak his mind was having quite a good time running around. When I got there he asked me to push him on the swings which, of course, I agreed to.

About 2 minutes into swinging he noticed the Muslim woman watching her two children play. She was dressed in a black burqa that covered her head to toe as is the custom and she sat in the shade on a park bench. When she stood, Connor's eyes got really big as he pointed at her and shouted:

"I thought that was Batman!!!"

My mom had to choke back tears as she tried not to laugh out loud as did I. My father was out of earshot lucky for him. Later I explained that she was a Muslim and in their religion that's how they dress.

I think Connor now wants to convert so he too can dress like Batman.

A Letter from my Dog

2007-05-04T11:24:00.000-05:00

Dear Morton Police Officers and woman with too much time on her hands,

I am a dog. I love the outdoors. I love children. I am friendly and I wag my tail. I love being rubbed behind the ears and on the belly. I am a dog.

You see, my owner is too busy raising three children and me on his own while working two jobs, so he left it up to me to write you. Apparently, there are many experts who believe they know my schedule, when I'm too skinny, how often and how long I am outside, and possibly my favorite color (it's black and white). I made sure I attached the letter from the nice Animal Control officer who finds me happy and healthy.

I just want to make a few points for all the experts who are so keenly aware of my health and well-being.

1) All animals are outdoor animals. Amazingly enough, animals are wild by nature. Humans have domesticated us by giving us fences and feeding us steak, but we love a good outdoor romp.

2) I am up to date. I have all my tags, AKC papers, shots, et al. My owner even registered me in the city of Morton.

3) I have a healthy coat, cold nose, and friendly disposition. OK, I am just patting myself on the back but it bears saying.

4) I have shelter and more on the way. After his divorce in June, my doghouse (which was being built by my grandpa on my mom's side) went by the wayside. Since my owner is not very handy, he's looking into a doggy door for the shed however insulating it and doing it costs money. In the meantime, rain or shine, bad or indifferent weather, I find the window wells by the back door very comfortable. They provide shade or shelter from the wind; the roof juts out plenty to keep me dry even when it rains. Also, I love to run around in the rain. Snow? Forget about it - nothing like going crazy in snow. Once the shelter is set, I will become AN OUTDOOR DOG full time. So, I guess I’ll be seeing more of you officers; please bring steak!

5) I can communicate with my owner. Aside from my fabulous penmanship, my owner and I have come to an understanding. When I want something, I whine or cry. Sure, it sounds very childish but I am only 1.5 years old so don't judge. When he gets home from a long day, I cry. I want petted and then I want to go outside. Steak would be nice too but dog food suffices. When I want in, I simply go to the back door and whine. It's a quaint little system but effective nonetheless.

6) When you approach my gate or fence I come out to see who the heck you are. One of my few duties is to protect my owner and his children. If you walk up to my gate, even in bad weather, I get up out of my shelter and check to see who it is. Sometimes I bark loudly to warn my owner. Other times, if you’re friendly enough, I’ll whine because I ALWAYS want petted. Catching onto the system yet?

7) I don't carry a watch anymore. Being outside is actually a lot more fun than being cooped up inside all day. I tend to not look at the time. So if I am outside and have not whined to come in, that onus is on me. If people have nothing better to do than monitor the comings and goings of a neighbor dog, I'd suggest taking a bath with a toaster.

8) For the unstable, animal lady: May I suggest a hobby, more\less medication, dogs who bark less, more animals (please don’t have children), moving, getting your groove back, travel, or something that would help peek your interest aside from me?

Warmest regards,
Emmy

ps. Your dogs want steak and for you to get a life.

The Fred Phelps Solution

2007-04-23T19:59:00.000-05:00

Is it true Fred Phelps was molested by wolves as a child? Was he sodomized by whicans and liked it? Regardless, I have a solution for Fred Phelps and his "church of low-life, lower-than-pedophiles, attention-whores". I simply take two problems and let them equal each other out. I call it, the homeless effect.

You see, on our streets today are thousands of homeless. They ask for change (possibly on their way to California). These people all come from different walks of life but they all have one thing in common: they need food.

Here is the simplest of all solutions to empowering our homeless but also silencing "the church of the drunken, bass-ackward, rednecks". Let us say it is the day of a funeral for a VT student (yes Phelps has called off his assault on these young people's families for - drumroll please - air time on a nationally syndicated talk show). But let's pretend Phelps is not of the high moral standard that he is and crawfishes. So now we have a bunch of his repressed-homosexual douchebags with their protests signs and anal plugs fully engorged preying on the likes of traumatized parents near you. What will you do?

I for one, plan to make sandwiches. I will make sandwiches and find the nearest homeless shelter or mission near the funeral. I will offer free sandwiches and regail them with tails of the poor young woman or man who lost their life. How they dreamed of doing great works some day. How the lives of every person they touched lost something special and how their parents may never recover. I will then point out that there are many out-of-towners, hate mongers who have come to disparage their death, to increase the pain and hurt of the familes, and lo-and-behold they'll be right their at this church. It's too bad someone can't stick up for these poor parents who have lost that wonderful child all too soon in life.

I'll tell them about how these fascists have attacked our dead soldiers, gays, and anyone where they can bring their attention-whoring selves to the forefront. How they will do it again, and again, and again. And how people are afraid to stop them because they will simply sue you for all your worth if you try to get in their way. How they use the law to scare law-abiding citizens and strong-arm these poor, grieving families.

With a little luck, the homeless, those with nothing to lose, will realize they hold the power. They assault the Fred Phelp's of the world - hell, they may get a medal. At worst, some time in a cozy jail cell getting three squares a day and the respect and adoration of millions of people around the country.

I am not saying I would incite violence or direct violence. No, I would simply tell them what will happen and if there are descent people among them I would hope they could realize their power. Fred Phelps and his weasel-lawyers do not intimidate people who have nothing. And people who have nothing may feel the need to stand up for people who just lost everything.

It's a simple plan that I hope works.

More Random Pissings

2007-04-11T22:41:00.000-05:00

I am disappointed to say I am not the baby-daddy of Anna Nicole's money - er - I mean, daughter.

The Rutger's basketball team is not filled with nappy-headed hoes ... nappy-headed? Sure! But hoes?

Do you need a fucking degree in deductive reasoning to understand how a 4-way stop works? Jesus, I hope Bloomington drivers never get a chance at group sex because there's going to be money shots flying around like an Addis Ababa ammo depot.

Recent anti-American demonstrations in Iraq had the Bush administration attempting to sell ice cream, fridges, freezers, and ice to eskimos. National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe says the rallies show Iraqi democracy at work! Yes, that doesn't look like defeat at all. Of course, the only ones who believe this are FOX News and the retarded ... I guess that's redundant.

Rosie O'Donnell recently imparted us with her wisdom about the 9/11 conspiracy and how fire cannot melt steel ... Personally, I blame nature and the people who found those structurally unsound towers just lying around.

Personally, I have quit watching 24. It is completely unbelievable ... I mean two black presidents in 3 terms!?!?!

It's a Joke: Get over it

2007-03-17T08:07:00.000-05:00

I am going to type slower so all of you dumbasses can follow along.

This is a blog.

This is satire, coarse humor, and outlandish shit written tongue-in-cheek. If you believe anything I write on this page - aside from a few personal posts - you sir or ma'am need to take a bath with a toaster so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world with your utter fucking stupidity. (Ok that's half-joking).

I guess what came to pass was that some people from my previous place of employment read my blog. There were several senior executives who read it as well and were aghast at what it contained. One former headof HR thought "this person should not be walking around in society"before she knew who I was and that it was - in fact - satire. Others posed worry that I was "angry" or "self-destructive" and possibly "unstable". Now, aside from that man in Reno I shot just to watch him die, I definitely take offense to these labels.

This came up again later on as a friend-of-a-friend stumbled accross this blog and told me I needed psychiatric help ... This from a twat with daddy-issues and a weight problem, but I digress.

So I guess for the cheap seats, I need to proclaim: IT'S A FUCKINGJOKE YOU SHEEP!!!

99% of the shit I write I could care less about. What's funny is I have been a published\award-winning writer since I was 14. I write for fun and to mainly amuse myself with some shit I come up with. Every now and again I'll read something I wrote several months back and get a good laugh while I think "How the fuck did I come up withthat???"

If you believe this blog in any way reflects my character - positivelyor negatively - then you probably voted for Bush and believe everything you fucking read. Now write Rush Limbaugh and ask him whatyou should really think about me and my blog.

It's people like you who give hope to Nigerian e-mail scammers.

In the words of Fitzy from townienews.com: "Via con dios ... And via con fuck yourself!"

Random Pissings

2007-03-07T11:05:00.000-06:00

I have ticket #7683201 in the Anna Nicole Smith baby-daddy lottery.

I hear Chicago QB Rex Grossman doesn't masturbate. He tried once, but every time he tried fondling his balls he would just fumble them.

And now the winner of the K-Fed versus Britney custody battle ... All the fucking shrinks these kids will need when they realize who their parents are.

Oxymoron of the day: I heard a girl referred to as "major jailbate".

Politically Incorrect quote of the day: Some asshole Arab was in the middle of my girlfriend's parking lot backing up his mini van ... Degree of difficulty: he was not looking. He damn near hit my car before realizing I was behind him and gave a half-wave when I pulled around him. I responded with "I sure hope the flying lessons are going better than the driving lessons asshole!"

If you have 5-chins do you really need to order cheese fries as an appetizer?

... And remember fellas, you're only queer if you're on the bottom!

Opponents of the Death Penalty: Or more ignorant hippy bullshit

2007-01-11T15:00:00.000-06:00

First, the long layoff was nice. Second, I am angy once again because people are just given too much goddamn credit for being rational or even semi-intelligent. The sad fact is that 90% of you should never breed; in tragic reality, you already have. So in interest of educating the vast multitude of retards and morons of this country, I submit to you how you should feel about capital punishment for your reading pleasure.

Douchebag Statement #1: If you believe in capital punishment you believe in murder.
Yes, let's really push the boundaries of this logical fallacy. This is like saying "If you believe in the penal system, you are not an American." Why? Because isn't the founding premise of this country personal freedom? Yet, when people break laws their freedoms are forfeit.

Claiming that capital punishment is murder is asinine in every sense of the word. In a society of laws, punishment will always be a factor otherwise you have a society of anarchy which is an oxymoron at best. The punishment should fit the crime and if you take the life of another it is fitting that you forfeit your own life. That is not murder; that is due punishment.

Douchebag Statement #2: Capital punishment is vengeance.
This makes me throw up a little in my mouth every time I hear this argument. Taking the life of a murderer is not vengeance, it is punishment. See above. If you want to attach words to it at least attach some sort of intelligent moniker.

Vengeance is the practise of extracting revenge. What would revenge be upon someone who killed a loved one? A slow painful death? Drawn and quartered? How about someone who kills several people, even an entire family? Personally, for vengeance sake I would take out them, their family, and any of their friends.

Douchebag Statement #3: Death penalty sends a mixed message.
This comes from asshats who believe in Douchebag Statement #1. Basically, they believe it says "It's ok to murder people." BZZT! WRONG! TRY AGAIN DUMBASS! It says that if you want to take the life of another, be ready to forfeit your own life. I don't see the mixed message in that.

Really I don't know how much clearer this message can get. If you do A, B happens. My 4 year old can understand the concept of consequences so why can't a murderer? If I go rock climbing, I assume a certain amount of risk is involved. There is a chance I could die as a result of my actions. If I decide to kill someone, I have to know that my actions may cause my ass to get a couple thousand volts shot up it.

Douchebag Statement #4: Life in Prison is the best solution.
The idea behind this is that killing someone is final. If you allow these prisoners to live out their lives two things will happen: 1) they will spend the rest of their lives regretting their decision, and 2) if they are found to be innocent they can be released. So you would rather murderers live out their lives rather than risk that an innocent life be taken? Great, that sounds peachy.

Quick questions for you: Of the thousands of GUILTY murderers who are allowed to live, how many prisoners do you think they will kill while carrying out their life in prison?

I mean, basically you are saying to a murderer, you go live out your life but now you can only kill other incarcerated criminals instead of free people. That will show them! By giving these bastards (and cunts) life in prison, how many drug dealers, rapists, drunk drivers, and parole violators are we sentencing to death behind bars? It seems to me we are simply passing the death sentence on to a lesser violent criminals by sparing the life of a violent murderer. Oooh, guess we haven't thought that through, but that's not our problem, huh?

Douchebag Statement #5: If one innocent person was put to death isn't that enough?
This is the most retarded, pussified, bass-ackward thinking of any of the arguments. The "be all, end all" of stupidity. This is the reactionary statement for everything in this country. First, show me the asshat put to death that was found to be innocent? Second, we have an appeals system that lasts like 30 fucking years. And finally, we are going to let murders commit more offenses (see #4) so that we can protect against that one person does not get sentenced to death? Jesus, that's like withholding medical treatment because the patient has a 1-in-a-million chance of dying.

There is no sense of personal responsibility in this country and it's getting worse. Responsibility starts with you and knowingly ending a life has repurcussion written all over it. When will this society begin taking action instead of trying to save itself from itself. People bitch and wonder why the government has become so powerful and yet want to cowtow to the whims of the minority. Wake the fuck up and start seeing that as long as you pacify your just pussifying.

Go smoke some more pot and give me an argument that has some merit. Then again, that would require work and intelligence and we all know that's two things lacking in this society.

Reality Bites

2006-12-18T18:50:00.000-06:00

Longing for a simpler time when actual shows were seen on television, I was forced this past week to wade through the jungles of Reality TV and find out "Why the fuck has this shit not been cancelled?" Fan of reality tv? I'll type slower so you can understand this rant.

The Biggest Loser - Finally a show named after it's core demographic. It's about time the world rewarded people for being despearately fat and lazy. Casting for this show must take about 30 seconds as the producer walks into a Denny's at noon on a Sunday and grabs the first 12 fat asses whose chairs look like they are in danger of collapsing. Want to make this worth watching? Replace enigmatically gay Bob and hot-bod twat with R. Lee Ermey of Full Metal Jacket fame. Watch as Ermey uses his tried-and-true motivational tactics he learned as a real drill instructor. "That's it fat ass, don't make any effort to get to the top of the obstacle. If god wanted you up there, he would have miracled your ass up there by now!"

What was even funnier was the season finale when they are introducing the fat asses who have now lost weight ... except the 2nd broad voted out. She walks out and the audience was left in a complete and total moment of "Oh, fuck. She looks the same. Do we clap?" Some people do not enjoy these awkward moments and probably felt embarassed for her. I taped it so you can watch it again and again if you are one of those people.

Growing Up Gotti - The producers of this show should be whacked along with the douche bags who are the Gotti boys.I don't know what would be worse if I were John Gotti: getting nailed when Sammy the Bull turned stooly or watching my douche bag nephews disgrace my family name. These jack off, gangsta-rap wannabe's make Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie look like Rhodes Scholars. When these two aren't sponging off their mother or disgracing their family name, they spend their time sponging off their family name ... that they disgrace. If these guys were named Smith, do you think they would have the celebrity status people seem to bestow on these talking monkeys? The Teflon Don has to be rolling over in his grave.

Martha Stewart's Apprentice - Unless you are going to do this show from Cell Block A, get it the fuck off my television.I will be the first to admit that I enjoy Donald Trump because he's an over the top, exagerrating, ego maniac and - if you have ever read this blog - you know I can relate. But Martha Stewart with an Apprentice? This show sucked out loud. It sucked so bad, The Donald complained that it hurt his ratings ... that is FUCKING BAD!!! Luckily, it's been pulled and Martha is busy sucking out loud somewhere else.

That's it for now, but for the love of God don't get me started on Flava of Love, The Surreal Life, and Armed and Famous.

Cops don't impress me

2006-10-15T08:55:00.000-05:00

Let's start by saying a couple months ago I got ticketed for speeding. I was doing 62 in a 45 and came over a hill at the same time as a cop. I had just dropped my son off to daycare and apparently the road by it is highly patrolled because of complaints. The cop was a prick - big surprise there - and ticketed me. No big deal. I hadn't had a ticket in over 2 years.

Fast forward to Tuesday and I am picking my son up from daycare. I learned my lesson. I drive 45-50 on that stretch of road because I do believe they are starting to run more radar there. Anyway, that is when the fun began.

I come down towards a turn off and some asshole pulls out in front of me doing about 10mph. I am doing 45 and he's all of forty yards ahead of me. I have to quickly decrease speed and am right up on the guys ass. I am pissed. So what's genius do? He gives me a brake-check (hitting your breaks hard to fuck with another motorist for those that are stupid). So I hit the gas, pull around him, and tell him "You're #1!!!!" in Universal sign language.

The asshole follows me through town. Outside of Washington, halfway to Morton, I am pulled over by a Washington police officer. One I saw the lights and guessed that he was just running a speed trap; since I wasn't speeding I went on my merry way. But when I moved to the shoulder to get out of his way, he slowed down too. So now, I can put 2 + 2 together and know that I am getting pulled over for what happened 10 miles back. Interesting to say the least.

The police officer approached the car and to be fair, he was a very good cop. The guy listened to me and heard my side of the story. In the meantime, the dickhead had pulled up behind him and walked to the back quarter panel of my car. On a separate occasions I mentioned words like "dumbass", "moron", and "idiot" - making sure he heard me. I had seen his gun and he also had his badge out; I just did not care. I was in the right.

The police officer takes my statement then goes back to speak with his buddy. He returns telling me the guy wants to file a complaint.

"Great! So do I for reckless driving." I conveyed exactly what happened and there was no way I was in the wrong. Possibly following too close but that was a matter of he said\he said so fuck it. He asked if I wanted to speak with the complainant and I said "Couldn't hurt ... Or maybe it could ..." and we both laughed because he knew I was pissed.

The officer took me back to the area between my car and his where I met the douchebag. The first thing the guy says after the officer introduced us ...
"I am an off-duty Washington peace officer." ... It was all downhill from there ...

"Yeah, that doesn't impress me; you drive like an idiot," I emphatically informed him.

"Yeah I can tell it doesn't," he smartassed back. From there, the conversation just got worse.

He began telling me he'd been "on force for 15 years" and he was a "recognized expert in accident investigation by the State of Illinois". I interrupted on several occasions with timely inquiries like:
"That's nice, how does that come into play with what happened?" ... "Are you giving me your resume for a reason?" ... "So because you investigate things after-the-fact that makes you a perfect driver?"

I was antagonistic but level-headed. It was him who was having trouble keeping his cool. Part of his story was he gave me a break-check after putting on his turn signal so I went after him.

"You gave me a break-check when you were already doing about 20 mph. I whipped around you and was in a passing zone and well within my rights. At no point in time did you use your turn signal!" ... And the dumbass bit ...

"I tapped my breaks to back you off so I could turn then I hit my turn signal. That was my concern that you are so irate about the situation that you are a danger to yourself and those on the road."

"You just said yourself you gave me a brake-check and THEN turned on your turn signal!" I was in the zone now. He just admitted to borderline reckless driving.

"I tapped my brakes to give you warning I was about to turn!" He snapped at me.

"Huh, most intelligent people would use - I don't know - their TURN SIGNAL to tell someone they are turning ... and THEN use their breaks." I had him ... and he knew it.

He tried going into some diatribe about accident investigations and I cut him off.

"I don't want to hear it," I said making sure to emphasize I was done talking. "What's next?" I asked the uniformed cop.

"Well," began the on-duty officer, "what do you guys want to do?"

"I'll talk to you in private," the douchebag snapped at the "real" police officer.

"You do that," I smiled back and walked to my car.

After about 10 minutes of bullshitting and wasting my time, the douchebag left and the cop came and talked to me. He informed me the off-duty cop and I would "Agree to disagree".

"Fine by me, don't worry I won't file a complaint. Though I should," I said smiling. I knew the score. I had dumbass by the balls and he admitted being in the wrong and then realized his own stupidity. Fuck him.

Cops don't impress me because they're all just GED products with a badge. The douchebag thought I would be intimidated, instead I just got more pissed and wanted to nail his ass to a wall. If you don't like the one-finger salute, don't drive like an asshole. And a badge and gun should make you want to drive exemplary not try to abuse your power.

Suck it bitch.

Cubs Fans

2006-09-27T19:55:00.000-05:00

The other day, I was told that the cubs were dedicated to teamwork and spirit. I retorted:

"Yes a team so commmitted - hell a franchise - so committed to losing they spend year after year after year after year practicing it. I wonder what it's like to be a Cub fan. To sit down all excited when Spring rolls around. Surround yourself with stats, rosters, player acquisitions and the schedule as you try to figure out that elusive date when your beloved Cubbies will be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs."

Go Cubs and take the Blackhawks with ya!

NFL Handicapping

2006-09-09T14:12:00.000-05:00

The art of predicting the future!

Well as some of you know, I closed my handicapping service after last season. It was a down year and though the extra money was nice, it was not worth all the work. This season, I am going to continue posting my picks which started with my annual NFL futures article that has picked a Super Bowl winner in 5 of the last 6 seasons.

I have also decided to make my plays each week for those that followed my free site years ago. So if any of you want to see me succeed ... or crash and burn, it will at least be entertaining.

WYD Sports <-- click here dumbass

Good Luck and Go Bears!

News

2006-08-18T13:10:00.000-05:00

I was reading the news today, and found this sentence in a story. I laughed so hard, I spit diet coke on the midget who brings me my daily porn:

Paramedics arrived and patched her gash.

Some journalists are brilliant.

Updates Anyone?

2006-07-31T14:09:00.000-05:00

Part of the hazards of being a celebrity blogger with a readership well into the high single digits is the fact that you are constantly bombarded wtih requests ...

"Write about this ..."

"Make fun of that ..."

"Kiss me where it smells funny ..."

etc., etc.

Lately, however, there is one recurring theme to the harassment. A text message last week: "You are slacking on your blog". An IM the other day: "When are you going to update?". A stressed-out, douchebag whose life is seemingly empty without my guidance e-mailed and said: "For the love of God, please update!"

Knowing that "it would be so empty without me", I have decided to give the world what they have been waiting on ... a reality show\documentary\self-help program that follows me 24/7 and fills your pathetic lives with meaning. Currently in talks with Fox, E!, VH1, MTV, and the Lifetime Network - haha! got ya, I would never appear on MTV - I have pitched my new series part Morgan Spurlock, part The Simple Life, part the Osbournes, and part Death Race 3000. I call it, "30 Days of Feeding Paris Hilton into a Wood Chipper while I get drunk and yell incoherent ramblings while running over stupid people and their spawn". FOX - of course- is the high bidder; I just don't know if I want to lower myself to their standards when I could have a classy outfit like E! who brought us the Michael Jackson trial re-enactment on a nightly basis.

Some of the highlights from this season:
I blow torch off Paris Hilton's gonorhea infested cooch ... In episode twelve, I molest an entire Catholic monastery ... I throw a midget into a net - and by midget I mean "tantrum-throwing bastard" and by net I mean "alligator pit" ... I have images of Mohammed tattoed on my ass and then go around moooning Mosques, convenient store owners, and cab drivers ... I lure unsuspecting lard asses into falling down a mine shaft with trails of pork rhinds, ho-hos and Kripsy Kremes ... I help OJ hunt for the real killers ... I show Brokeback director how "Ang-Lee" I am for having to sit through that shit-fest by sodomizing him - not in a "gay" way, but in a "you quit making shitty, suck-fest movies" way ... Finally, the part that made it all worthwhile is when the Pope orders Catholics everywhere to strap bombs to themselves and blow up FOX, FOX Affiliates, and puts a contract on my head! Let the good times roll!

There's your update assholes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to watching out for those crazier-than-bat-shit Christian crusaders who are ruining America by saying "Merry Christmas", "In God we Trust" or "one nation, under God".

Letter from a Reader

2006-06-16T10:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Who's Your Daddy,
What advice would you give an 18 yo high school graduate getting ready to go U of I?
Thanks

Aside from excepting Kevin as your Lord and Savior, I would take the following advice from a bitter, divorced, 31 year old who hates people and wants nothing more than to screw up as many lives as I can before turning the gun on myself ... Enjoy! :-) :-) :-) <--- I love smiley faces!!!!! <--- and exclamation points!!!!

1. Spend your summer with your high school sweetheart. Make it romantic. Live every day like it will be your last with her because it will be. Unless you are moving in together, you will not last in College. She will taking on guys 6-at-a-time and you will be surrounded by used-but-nice pussy everywhere you turn.

2. Enjoy your next 6 or 7 years. College is newfound freedom so don't go fucking it up by getting serious about a girl.

3. Reinvent yourself. You remember that time all the jocks ducked taped you to the urinal and then made you give them handjobs while looking at naked pictures of your mom? Well, no one in your new college does. You can be heir to the fucking English throne for all they know.

4. Welcome to the pond little fishy. I don't care if you're the biggest swinging dick all-star in your high school; that means absolutely shit. The good news? No matter what size the fish you are now, you will be on equal grounds in College and there is plenty of pussy to go around.

5. Do what you do best. If you are an athlete make that work. If you are a musician, make that work. If you have absolutely no discernible talents, learn how to throw killer parties and mingle. If you are a wall flower, learn how to meet ugly chicks because they are easy to talk to (out of desperation) and usually have cute friends.

6. Never, ever eat the big white mint.

7. No classes before 9am ... ever.

8. Make friends with nerds, they take the best notes for when you're recovering from last night's hangover.

9. Condoms, condoms, condoms!

10. Lube, lube, lube!

That about covers it. Good luck being a financial drain on your parents for the next several years of your life. Hope it all works out for you but my bet is by the time you get out of College the job of your dreams will already have been outsourced to India or some other damn country. Yay Bush!

They call me "Tater Salad"

2006-06-15T21:00:00.000-05:00

Since I have been devoting time to persoanl subjects on and off lately, I thought I would share a couple things of interest. My girlfriend runs background checks for a living ... there's some good news. Luckily, your record only consists of convictions and I retain the title of the "Teflon Don" now that John Gotti is playing with the fishes in hell. Both charges she found are listed as DISMISSED ... Who's your daddy, bitches!?!

At some point, my buddy Dan (one of Illinois's finest) decided he would lookup my arrest record ... more good news. "Jesus, it's longer than my fucking arm!" Dan told me - not joking. It is true; I have scraped a time or two with the law but nothing for the last several years. Of course, that's not to say I am innocent or on the straight and narrow, I just know which laws are say "morally defunct" and choose to break those.

Actually, if you have never been arrested, go to Peoria County and just get nailed on a D&D (drunk and disorderly). It will be worth it to go to county and watch all of your brethren stumble in throughout the night. I was sitting there once - mob action arrest which (of course) was dismissed for lack of cooperation by the victim (smart move on his part, btw!) - chained to the bench in the booking area. Jesus, you couldn't pay to see a show that good. That night I saw dealers, hookers, and even a wagon load of underage partiers. It was the best people watching you could ever do. My god, the stories, things you see, stuff you hear. I could write like 5 books just from that 6 hours ... priceless!

On a side note, running a red light, at night, in front of Morton PD is probably not the best way to avoid the police. At least the fine man in blue let me off with a written warning. Just waiting on Dan to call me as he does every time my name comes accross the wire.

Random Musings 11: The Future Porn Pandemic

2006-06-13T13:13:00.000-05:00

Quick straw poll for those guys who missed my birthday party: You come home, the house is decorated inside and out in balloons, your very hot\very naked girlfriend is sprawled out on your bed ... do you really notice the presents and balloons in the corner of the room? I didn't and am getting shit for it - though in a cute way.

Better question: You come home, the house is decorated inside and out in balloons, your very hot\ very naked girlfriend is sprawled out on your bed ... you look at her, notice the balloons and presents then say "Awesome! Gifts! Can I unwrap them?" What are the odds you and cyclops will be playing tug of war that night minus the presents, balloons, and one girlfriend?

Speaking of birthday parties, mine was at Old Chicago this year. Free birthday pizza, $1.50 bottles, cute waitresses, sports on tv, smokes, good friends, my girlfriend ... throw in a shuttle service and some porn and they could call it heaven.

Running a red light directly in front of Morton PD at night is probably not the best way to avoid tickets. Granted, all I got was a written warning, but I think that's because the cop was looking at me like I was one of Jerry's kids.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al-Qaeda's HNIC in Iraq is now dead ... and thus begins a long line of fresh asshats to fill his dirt nap slippers.

Ding! Divorce is done! Ding! Divorce is done!

One of the good things about being divorced is I no longer have to sit through "Wheel of Fortune" each night ... or as I call it: Jeopardy for Retards.

Possibly #1 on the most assinine things I "learned" this week by the technologically stupid: Leaving your computer on for days, NOT connected to the internet, can cause it to get a virus! This gem came from some dumbass article my mom read in Peoria Journal Star. Really, Einstein? Apparently computer viruses are now fucking air born. Jesus, I can't wait for the day when I get an STD just by downloading porn!

Dating Life

2006-06-03T18:39:00.000-05:00

OK, maybe this is not as cool to the rest of you as it is to me. Friday night, my new girlfriend met me shortly after work at my house. She has Friday's without her son and chose to spend it with me and the circus :-) (all 3 kids this weekend). She came over about 6:30, hung out until all three were down for bed at 8:15. And by "hang out", I mean actually played with them even during the start of the Cards-Cubs game. Then she went to the store because I had very little cold beer and came back with a twelve pack of Bud Select (not my favorite but hey I had a couple cold Miller Lites) because she couldn't find a 6-pack of Beck's Light - which is very good by the way.

We split a Red Baron Supreme Pizza - she ate half (the big half) and I ate the other half - while we watched the Cards-Cubs game. Of course, she's a Cardinal fan so she gets like a gazillion points right there. So, my girlfriend, on the night she has to go out, decides to spend a night in with me, my children, drink beer, eat pizza, and watch the Cardinals. The only negative - if you call it that - was she fell asleep in the oversized chair during the game. Granted, it went to 14 fucking innings and the Cards lost, but I cannot deduct any points for that.

Those that have met her can atest to her personality and hotness. You'll also take my word for it because she is very good in other places as well. If this ever goes sour, I will refer to her as "Crazy Bitch" just because of the song - listen to it closely.

Divorce is final on Monday. The kids are doing great. Life is good ... save for the fucking Cardinals who've dropped two straight to the fucking Cellar Dwellers.

Welcome to Morton, IL: Land of Fucktards

2006-05-26T10:47:00.000-05:00

Brain-dead, ass-backward, and proud of it? You must live in Morton!

I moved to this fucktard town because my soon to be ex-wife grew up here. Little did I know that two weeks after moving here she'd meet the love of her life, move back to Washington where I wanted to live to begin with, and eventually divorce me (June 5th). So now, I get to live 8 blocks from her parents - please pause while Ode to Joy finishes playing in the background - in a town filled with dumbasses, pricks, douchebags, and a seemingly infinite supply of fucktards. It's like living in an entire town that spends it's day going about half-assed singing "Ding fries are done".

I guess the first clue that tipped me off was having the police called on me within 36 hours of moving into my house. No that's not a fucking typo - 36 FUCKING HOURS or - if your from Morton and reading this - a day and a half - or 6 shifts at McDonald's. It seems the woman behind our house has nothing better to do than stare out her window into my backyard. She felt our dog had been out too long and called the police. First, if you have nothing better than sitting in your living room watching your neighbors, save yourself and others the time and aggravation and take bath with your toaster. Of course, if you're from Morton, REMEMBER to plug in the toaster ... DING! Toast is Done! Second, if you live with cats and dogs and are a "bird watcher" ... you have no fucking life to leave. Ding! Toaster's Ready! Third, it's a FUCKING DOG. Amazingly enough people, dogs, cats, birds, and every other ANIMAL on God's green Earth are OUT DOOR FUCKING ANIMALS otherwise they wouldn't be called ANIMALS. Woooo-Woooo! Here comes the clue train.

To be fair, that's not the first thing I noticed. Actually, the first thing I noticed was everyone in town does 10mph under the speed limit - everywhere. In fact, I am willing to bet 90% of drivers on I-74, in the left lane, doing 60mph are from Morton. Of course, they can't pick a fucking lane anyhow. Half the dumbasses drive down the fucking middle of the road anywhere it's two lane. Don't bother using a turn signal either douchebag, Nostradamus already foresaw you were going to take an immediate left after cutting me off in heavy traffic so no need to warn me with anything as trivial as your turn signal.

Of course, I only have to deal with traffic and the dumbass drivers when I need to go to the store. Yet, despite the fact there is a Krogers and a Walmart, I have to go to Pekin for alcohol. You see, only liquor stores can seel alcohol in Morton and I don't feel like taking out a loan to buy a fucking 18-pack of Miller Lite bottles. Therefore, I wait until Kroger runs a sale on beer (or Super Liquors runs a sale on Bacardi) and I stock up. Of course, driving to Pekin and Washington (and Peoria) for alcohol may seem frugal until you figure out every 6-pack, 12-pack, case, fifth in the town is marked up at least $1 to $3 more than any other place you could buy it. Then again, in the land of fucktards, alcohol should be expensive. I mean, these people are dumb enough, do they really need to add alcohol to the mix?

But for not selling alcohol, Kroger can get very busy. People buying white helmets and peanut butter all day long. So of course, you have 12 fucking checkout lanes and only one is open. Of course, it’s always some slack-jawed, hillbilly girl whose only working there so her parents don’t turn her out to pay for their future double-wide. It takes her 2 hours to ring you through and then another hour to bag it. Suddenly a trip to the store for diapers and a pizza turns into a fucking Disneyland excursion minus a pair of mouse ears.

Of course, I could go to the self-checkout lanes but those are filled 20-deep with fucktards who probably shouldn’t operate a locked door much less something so sophisticated as a scanner. Beep! Shoping Done! Beep! Shopping Done! So it’s either wait in the 10-deep line for Betty Sue or wait while people try to discern where on their package of ho-ho’s the fucking bar code is. Then – of course – they have to pay for their goods which is always entertaining.

Just a quick recap of things not to do in the self-checkout line for you fucktards who can read but still don’t know how to shop:
- You do not pay the girl sitting at the counter looking at you like you’re a crack head.
- The beep means your item scanned, there is no need to scan it a second time and waste my life while the bored, hillbilly girl at the counter has to call the office, who has to show up with some magic key 30 minutes later, who then has to remove the extra scanned item from your order … so you can do the same thing with your next fucking item.
- Swiping a Kroger card over the machine should take no more than 3 seconds. I watched some dumb bitch actually ask for help because her card would not work … of course, she was swiping a CVS card, but those things are bound to happen … in Morton.

OK, I have to quit writing otherwise Fox News is going to need to raise the threat level. Mohammed, Achmed, if you’re out there … FUCK ALLAH you bitches, come and get me … I live in Morton. Just randomly fuck the place up I am sure you’ll eventually get to me. Mohammed is my bitch! (That oughta do it)

Random Musings 10: Spit-take Theater Edition

2006-05-15T09:36:00.000-05:00

The greatest review of Brokeback Mountain came this weekend when Nick D told me: "I went to it for the art of the picture ... but when (Heath Ledger) turns Jake Gyllenhal over and then spits on his hand for lube - I knew I had wasted 2 hours of my life."

While playing Texas Hold'em this weekend, Jessica (Oreo) sadly learned that there is no "race card."

When your girlfriend says "You really need to be in my mouth right now" you tend to give her complete and total attention.

South Dakota has passed a ban on abortions. In other news, South Dakota health workers are concerned with the dramatic rise of pregnant women falling down steps at a rate of 30,000% higher than just 6 months ago.

I think it's safe to say that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter will never have to worry about being shot in the face ... unless she goes hunting with her dad that is.

It's only May 15th and already the Cubs are 8.5 games back from division leading St. Louis ... I guess we'll be hearing "Wait 'til next year" just about any time.

My new king sized bed has been officially "broken in" ... next up: the lazy boy, the dining room, kitchen, front room, oversized chair, my bar ... note to self, bring lube to avoid spitting on your hand ... also your girlfriend might be helpful as well.

Karma gives me a handjob

2006-05-14T16:16:00.000-05:00

Jesus, I don't know about you guys, but I have been so sick of all the shit I've been dealing with lately. From divorce to ex-girlfriends to re-connecting to the old club scene to finding a good girl in a sea of fucking divas and self-centered twats ... it's been a fucking whirlwind.

Karma is my friend. Don't do wrong to others and it should come back to you tenfold. OK, so there are several years that I was Karma's butt-monkey for not obeying that simple rule. I have been kicked, beaten, and left for dead, but I am still here as strong as ever ... AND the first one of you nutsacks to start humming "I Will Survive" I am going to donkey punch you in the base of the fucking skull. You've been warned.

With that said, life has been great lately. I had a cookout on Saturday and re-connected with some friends I lost touch with and got to see friends I only see on occassion. But god damn did I have fun. Actually, I had a great 4 days thanks to karma who brought me G-G.

Nope, I am not going to start writing poetry and painting happy clown faces, it's just that after a long time of not feeling right, of being down, and of constant self evaluation, it's amazing how you find someone so like you it's scary. For those that made the cookout, you can see the change - a couple of you even did the whole "ahhhhhhhhh" thing. I just want you all to know that's been the last 4 days and the last several weeks. I know about honeymoon periods, but I've never met anyone who could carry on an interesting conversation about nothing and everything all at once. I get bored on the phone after 2 minutes; some nights, it's hours before I even hang up.

Just wanting to say a special shout out to karma and a big fuck off to G3 who's being a bitch about the whole thing. For those few that get that one, he can eat a great big bag of my nuts. I've tried being the bigger person but fuck it; I have no room for grade school shit in a man's world. G-G is awesome ... great mother, terrific friend, and amazing lover. I just hope karma doesn't start remembering that shit I pulled when I was like in 7th grade and decide I'm long overdue.

Here's to hoping I guess. Karma's giving me a handjob right now ... I just hope this is a precursor to good things instead of finding myself on the other end of a beat-down, ass-raping.

Upcoming events: Cards-Cubs game at Busch (who needs tix? I should have quite a few for June 3rd I think), Golf outing with Nick\Ed\Lenny, and hopefully a weekend away with G-G.

NOTE: For those that don't know, G-G (pronounced like it looks "gee-gee") stands for "Gorgeous Girl". Man, I am SO karma's little bitch right now.

Kevorkian Had it Right Just a Little Misguided

2006-05-12T10:20:00.000-05:00

There are some people on this Earth who prove that God has a soft spot for the mentally defective. If you fit the description, please – for the love of God and prosperities sake – kill yourself. If killing yourself is not an option, call me and I will Kevorkian your dumb ass. Anyway, here is a list of my favorites that seem to be the most common cause of the tumor I will eventually have.

"Hi, I'm Left-Lane Jane. You would know that because I drive a red car and have personailized license plates. Why are you tailgating me? I am doing 45 and the speed limit is 55 so I am well under it so quit being so unsafe. Hold on a sec, I am getting another call on my cell phone. (Hi, this is Jane)"
Jane is the reason why I fully support a Long Island Shelter for Women Who Just Don't Know How to Fucking Drive.

"Hi, I am Don't Pass Me Guy. You see, I am doing the speed limit when in the left lane, but the minute I get over I speed up so you cannot pass me."
I don't know if it's some kind of machismo or just a futile attempt at not admitting you're a loser. Either way, if you find yourself doing this do us all a favor: find the nearest bridge embankment and pass it on the right.

"Hi, I am Cannot Control Volume or Pitch of my Voice Douche Bag."
If you've ever flown on a plane or been in a crowded restaurant, you can always find this guy. He's the one who doesn't shut up while talking giving you ever little detail about his life but mainly his possessions. "SO I was washing MY BOAT the other day outside MY HALF-MILLION DOLLAR HOME BY WEAVER RIDGE ..." That's great pal, and some day when you learn social etiquette, lose a couple hundred pounds, and that enzyte kicks in, you will be one hell of a great catch!

"Hi, we are Mr. and Mrs. Clueless proud Parents of Kid Uncontrollable. We are too stupid and inept to discipline our child, luckily we take him to crowded restraunts where there are plenty of babysitters."
The poster parents for birth control ... The poster child for abortion ... All in one neat little package and sitting at the table next to you. Some sure signs to look for is when their child is throwing a screaming tantrum while they talk over him or when they let the little bastard run up and down the fucking aisles interrupting other people's dinner and crashing into hard working waitresses. People like that should not breed much less eat in public. A CROWDED RESTAURANT IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOUR INANE FUCKING CHILDREN TO PLAY YOU DUMB FUCKS.

"Hi, I'm Super Soccer Mom. I drive down the road in an SUV full of kids while I talk on my cell phone, do my hair, and even eat a bagel or yogurt."
Yes, Super fucking retarded mom that is. I know you've seen this twat. This is the dumbass bitch who thinks the turn signal on her SUV actually clears the lane she quickly whips into. Safety concerns for her? Pish-posh, her SUV will keep her safe while she creates a fucking vortex of imminent death for any of the cars around her. Avoid this bitch at all costs.

"Hi, I the No-Speaka-English Waiter. You no order. I just bring whatever."
I don't care if you're in this country legally or illegally if you are honest and work hard. My problem is these jackasses who do not bother and do not care to learn the language. I remember when I was unemployed and I would have to call every two weeks and do a phone survey. The message was "You have reached the State of Illinois's Unemployment line. To continue this message in Spanish press 1, to continue in English press 2." What the fuck? If you cannot speak English, there is no way in hell you should be drawing unemployment. PERIOD.

"Hi, I'm dinner for 30 mom. Despite I sit on my ass all day, I find the best time to get dinner for my kids is at rush hour."
This woman is easily recognizable as she speeds into the drive through cutting off anyone she can then proceeds to order 10 of everything on the menu. I just came into fucking Taco Bell to grab a 1/2 pound burrtio and a coke and now I have this dumb cunt ordering half the gross national product of Guatemala? Of course, she damn near caused a fucking collision and ran over the back end of some kids shoe while trying to get to the front of the drive-thru line, but that matters very little. People like these make you truly hope and believe in that story of a guy shitting in the refried beans. Bon-apetite you fat bitch!

These are just a few people I've found who would make the world a better place by leaving it. The sooner and grotesqely tragic the better. And people wonder what makes a serial killer? If I could track down these people and all of their incarnations, I would make Gacy, Bundy, Manson, and the lot look like pure bitches. Sleep well you fuck rags, karma is waiting for you.

It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry ...

2006-05-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

And it's gonna be a longer while still. For those of you worried about me since my last post, I appreciate the support and concern. For those who don't support me ... fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Ever since I accepted Kevin as my lord and savior, I have seen a new light ... no seriously, just an update to life this time around. I am still sticking by my goal of not getting into any of the divorce; however, I will update on where I am at in life.

First, I figured out why I don't need to be single. My god, I can get ass - and not just ass, I mean premium ass - in the middle of a fucking convent. It's good to know that I still have game. And by the way, my new hook for a rap song: "Back off bitch, ya know ya can't hang, ya can't be a playa if you don't know the game." ... I hate rap, but that little hook came to me after one wild fucking night.

Second, as much fun playing was, I am off the market. For those that met her, she's as gorgeous outside as she is inside. I know, say it ain't so, but if I am going to do it right I have to be monogamous. I wish some people I have dated felt that way, but I guess I said I wouldn't get into that. So with that, I am off the market. The "closed" sign is in the door, but - ladies - feel free to window shop.

Third, my newest and oldest best friend is 3.5 years old and is with me full time save for 2 weekends a month. He's outgoing, intelligent, single, and make any woman pick HIM up with a bat of the eye ... of course, he's my son. Who else could have that kinda charm at 3.5???

Fourth, my ego has grown way beyond control. Sometimes, my inner voice is too intimidated to talk to me. NASA actually called and it is now possible they may use it as a launching station for deep space exploration.

Finally, I found my sense of humor again. It took awhile but I am back. Expect more posts from here on out, and - of course - even more ways of being offended.

Now piss off ...

My Life, My Promise

2006-04-18T13:28:00.000-05:00

There’s no getting around it right now. Things are pretty down in my house. The good is that I am not so lonely as I thought I would be between friends and family and of course the cutest kids on Earth. To add to my wonderful life, I was informed by me ex-girlfriend that I am being taken back to court for more child support. She says it’s a mandatory review or some bullshit, but it’s funny that she knows about it long before I do.

So right now, Pam owes me a ton of money. Trying to make ends meet was tough enough before the divorce. Now, I will have increased child support for Lilli and new child support order for Caitlin. All the while, I have to figure out how I can afford a house, food, gas - which is insane since I have such a huge commute that got longer with trips to Washington, and find the little extras for the kids. Oh yeah, every now and again I wouldn’t mind eating.

What I really want is to move back to Washington; however, that’s not going to happen any time soon. I find it increasingly frustrating that my soon-to-be-ex-wife insisted we move to Morton and has already moved out back to (drum roll please) … Washington. I fucking hated this town before we moved, and I hate it even more now that I am basically imprisoned here. I had friends and family in Washington; in Morton, I don’t know a single person save for my soon-to-be-ex-in-laws. Thanks for that Pam; I really appreciate it.

So to sum it up right now: no wife, no money, living in a fucktard town, and very little by way of things looking up in life. The good from all of this is I still have my little ones and I hope to use this time – since that’s about all I have and that's not very much with my job – to forge a better relationship with all of my children. I love being a dad but sometimes I think I take them too much for granted.

Maybe all of this will be something that makes me stronger or better, but right now all I can think is how hard it is to get out of bed every morning. I also know there is at least two little ones who are counting on me and I always keep my word. I won’t let you guys down. Ever.

Single Again

2006-03-25T19:50:00.000-06:00

... or at least close. For those of you who don't know, my wife and I are finally getting a divorce. We are separated and talking through the process. We are on very good terms and - if I have learned anything from Tennessee Jed - I will not talk about it much more than this. I love my wife and she loves me. We are just not good together and have children to think about.

With that said, I enter the SCARY world of single guys. Until the divorce is final (which it will be this time around), I am just going to keep a peace by not reverting back to the old days. For those of you who missed the old days, let's just say I have seen more ass than a toilet seat ... at Mardi Gras ... for 20 years. OK, I love my wife and will miss her. You all know me and she does as well (she's one of the biggest fans of all my blogs!).

With that said, I turn my attention - soon - to personal ads. I don't want to be lonely forever yet I want to find "Ms. Right". I have swung and missed, but this is no time to quit swinging!

So, please help me with my single ad title:

1. Hopeless Romantic Seeks Dirty,Dirty Whore
2. Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places (think anal!)
3. My Tool Needs a Shed
4. Your Place or my Cardboard Box?
5. Man Seeks Woman for Friendship\Love\Marriage\Mind Numbing,Life Stealing Existence\And Finally Divorce
6. Separated Man Loves Cuddling, Sharing Feelings, and Plutonic Relationships ... SUCKER!!!!

I will allow voting, just let me know!

The Greatest Piece of Literature Since "Everybody Poops"

2006-03-21T17:05:00.000-06:00

The good news is that I have started writing a book based on my own experience. In creative writing courses, they tell you: "Write what you know." If I ever did a "tell all" book, I am pretty sure I'd make millions. The problem? Libel suits and - of course - prison time for me. Lots of people read this blog but only a few know my background. Even fewer (is that a fucking word?) know MY history. Tentatively called "Knucklehead", here is some things my book will cover. Basically, it's Q&A time:

Ever had a gun pointed at you? Yes.

Ever been in a knife fight? I still own the leather coat (knife hole intact) that I was stabbed through when I was 17. It saved my life so I haven't thrown it away.

Have you ever been questioned in the disappearance of another human being? Yes, and there are many former employees of Rocky's who believe the body will never be found and I am the cause. Keep in mind, these are friends of mine who stilll don't believe there was not foul play involved.

Ever been in a racially charged riot? My senior year in high school a riot erupted because of me.

Ever been in a barroom brawl AND got hit by a pool stick? Yes (several) and yes, my jaw stick clicks on the right side when I fully extend it.

Ever been banned for life from an establishment? Double whammy: Stone Country and the now-defunct Tremors.

Ever been jumped by 2 or more guys? Sure have, in Bloomington. Three guys and just little 'ol me.

That's just a sneak peak. I have been writing the chapters in my spare time. Basically, it will be in the form of a short story for each chapter. The best, is probably the chapter about the disappearance of an ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend. That was probably one of the strangest occurrences\investigations I have ever heard about and been involved with.

All names will be changed to protect the guilty and cover my ass. I will put up a link when I start putting the thing together. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

Snakes on a Plane!

2006-03-17T11:23:00.000-06:00

Man, just when I thought Hollywood was out of ideas, in walks "Snakes on a Plane" like a breath of fresh air. With Samuel L. Jackson nonetheless! So, it got me to thinking ... Snakes. Plane. Instant blockbuster because the title is real. The title "represents". What if ALL movies were like that? We could pick and choose movies based on titles alone wihtout ambiguity. No more things like "Good Will Hunting" or "Vanilla Sky" or "Pulp Fiction" where the title doesn't give you a glimpse - if not ruin the entire experience - of the movie. So from here on out, I propose we take movies and begin renaming them for what they really are:

Windtalkers - Nicolas Cage Kills more Japanese Soldiers than Actually Fought in WWII
Failure to Launch - Kathy Bates Keeps her Clothes on; Terry Bradshaw Does Not
Titanic - Leo DiCaprio Dies so it's Almost Worth Watching
Napoleon Dynamite - Retards Find Soft Spot for Galactically Retarded Movie
Troy - Brad Pitt Shows his Ass
Alexander - A Couple Thousand Year Old Brokeback Mountain
Brokeback Mountain - Gay Cowboys Slinging Pudding
The First Wives Club - Old, Bitter Women Whose Husbands Found Younger, Hotter Chicks
Elektra - Jennifer Garner's Tight Ass
Castaway - The Longest FedEx Commercial Ever Recorded
Signs - Aliens Fly a Million Miles to be Thwarted by Wooden Doors and Water
Forest Gump - Retard on a Park Bench

Hats off to movies "Assault on Precinct 13", "Batman Begins", and - of course - the incomparable "Snakes on a Plane"!

Get your Horoscope Today

2006-03-13T22:55:00.000-06:00

Finally, the world's first horoscope that makes sense ...

Aries
Women: Nothing says "I love you" like a douche and a brazilian job.
Men: Today is a good day to find a secluded spot in the country and meditate ... or dispose of a dead hooker's body.

Taurus
Women: Quit fucking every guy you meet and just start charging already.
Men: Someone has shit all over your aura, randomly punch people in the face to make it clean.

Gemini
Women: Stay in touch with your immediate family. Call your parents and ask why they couldn't use birth control.
Men: Eat more corn; it helps keep you regular and makes for a great looking turd.

Cancer
Women: Make an appointment to have your breasts augmented. Send the after pictures to boobies@gooutcheap.com.
Men: Cut off your arm. Done? Dumbass, I meant the other one.

Leo
Women: A man will ask for your phone number. Give him the phone number of that one girl you know with the VD.
Men: Choose your investments wisely. Call a bookie and put a nickel on Duke to win the big dance.

Virgo
Women: Take the cell phone out of your ear and stick it up your ass for better reception.
Men: Places to avoid today: Iraq, Afghanistan, and anywhere whose title includes the words "hydrocolonic".

Libra
Women: Call Ms. Cleo for stock advice. Visit your hairdresser for psychological counseling.
Men: Learn how to eat nails and shit gunpowder.

Scorpio
Women: When shopping, constantly remind the counter girl how much better your ass looks than hers.
Men: Butt Darts is not the next World Series of Poker.

Sagittarius
Women: Express your wild side ... Try doing your cooking and cleaning in the nude!
Men: Make a list of all the things keeping you from your dreams. Put it on a wheel and spin the wheel every day reminding yourself it's not your fault you're a fucking loser it's because ... (spinning the wheel)

Capricorn
Women: When sending an e-mail, for every emoticon you use, you will die a thousand deaths.
Men: Today a woman will ask for your phone number ... just kidding, enjoy downloading hentai in your parent's basement.

Aquarius
Women: Super-size all of your meals today because is it really going to make a difference fatty?
Men: Shave the pubes and work on your "man"gina.

Pisces
Women: Treat your man's pearl necklace dispenser like it's mardi gras and he has the last beads on Earth.
Men: Today is a good day to "find yourself". And once you found yourself, kick yourself in the nuts for reading horoscopes.

Originality is Overrated

2006-03-07T15:16:00.000-06:00

So it came to me. I was sitting in my lazyboy, drinking a diet caffeine free coke, and watching Spiderman 2 when it finally dawned on me: originality sucks. Why be original when you can just rehash the same old shit and people - like sheep - will follow you for it?

Right now, Hollywood has over 160 prequels\sequels IN THE MAKING and that's just for 2006! Original, creative stories are overblown! Christ, it's much easier to find a cult of brain dead drones and give them a shitbird package of cliches and ignorant plots. It's a sure money maker. Forget about art ... films are a bottom line business and the business is this: it takes 10x the money to market a new movie than it does a sequel or spinoff of a video game, comic book, etc.

So the next time I see any of you douche bags standing in a fucking line to watch the latest Harry Potter, Star Wars ass droppings of George Lucas, or any of the shit-for-creativity, plot-so-simple-my-6-month-old-can-follow-along comic book movies just remember ... I have a car and I will run you down.

Take Hollywood's dick out of your collective mouths and start thinking for a change. How many times can we dust off old comic book characters, change the plot by a cunt-whisker, and have a "must-see summer blockbuster". These are the same fuckwads who - as children - probably had mom and dad read Alice in Wonderland to them 50 million fucking times. That's all it is anymore. The same shitty movie, the same shitty plot, just bigger budgets and more drones forking over money to be lead like sheep to a shearing.

When I see movies like "Something About Mary" make millions while "Office Space" takes years to be discovered, it tells me that I could spew bile from my ass with better taste than the public in general. To call you "sheep" is actually an insult to sheep.

I have a terrific idea for a movie! Let's make a movie about a super hero who battles with keeping his\her identity, stopping some mad super villain from destroying\taking over\shitting-on the world or city of super hero's residence. All the while, we can show how the super hero tries to lead a normal life usually falling for a love interest. Instead of interesting story lines and character development, we'll really on old comic books so we can keep the story so simple a retarded amoeba can follow it. And - for the love of God - let's hope the sheep will not ask the question: "In a country filled with thousands of cities, why is it that super villains choose to wreak havoc in one where the superhero is known to thwart minor and major criminals alike?"

Provided none of the sheep start asking questions, I think that says "Blockbuster" all the way! I'm gonna be rich!

Caption this Pic

2006-03-03T18:50:00.000-06:00

* An uneasy silence fell over the children as they boarded the trolley to Neverland Ranch.
* Uhmmm ... I think I'll walk.
* Photos courtesy of David Gest's bachelor party.
* VH1's Behind the Music: Drivin' and Cryin'
* Ryan Seacrest held many jobs as a struggling young actor.

Thanks, Mr. Obvious

2006-03-01T21:00:00.000-06:00

I must admit; I give people too much credit. The world is filled with dimwits, retards, halfwits, trolls, douche bags, crack heads, and out-and-out fucking morons. Here is a list of items that should be obvious to anyone with a single-digit IQ. If you find yourself learning something new, close your browser, shut down your computer, and go play in traffic.

I got a ticket for going 10mph over the speed limit. Fine. But riddle me this Batman? Why doesn't a soccer mom, talking on her phone, driving a boat load of kids, in an SUV get pulled over? What's more dangerous? Me going fast with no cars around or some dumb bitch endangering my life and the lives of her children?

Seinfeld was not, is not, nor ever will be funny. The actors on Seinfeld are in no way humorous. Want proof? What have they done since?

The Real World is so far from reality it should be called "The Real World only if you sit on your ass and have someone pay your bills while you whin and drag on about how your life isn't working out the way you expected it".

Paris Hilton is not a role model. Any woman who is dumber than a bag of penises (which she freshly fucked) and spreads her herpes filled gash for anyone with a pulse, is not a role model. Heidi Fleiss makes a better role model because she at least 1) gets paid to be a whore and 2) has a much better clientelle.

Vegans are fucking retarded hippies. They use gas which is a fossil fuel derived from dead animals. Unless they grow their own veggies in an all-natural garden. Millions of small animals are killed yearly by farm equipment harvesting their precious vegetables. Also, for the love of GOD Vegan women, would it kill a baby seal if you shaved your damn armpits?

Contrary to popular belief, the local Walmart is a store. It is not a meeting place where you scream at and beat your kids for being slack-jawed, unruly, dumbass yocals ... like you!

The more George Bush tells us that having an Arab company control SIX ports in SIX major cities is perfectly safe, the more I start thinking he may find those WMD's this time ... only after they have gone off on our soil. You know, when your own party is opposing you, local and state governments, and you continue to defend a decision that you did not make ... YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD "W"!

Alright, that's all for now. Tomorrow, I will start on the other 10,000,000 things that you dumbasses probably need explained ...

Prejudice and Racism

2006-02-28T18:00:00.000-06:00

Ever wonder if you are prejudice? Chances are ... you are. Sure we all like to think we are open-minded, but there are things that shape our lives that make us distrust others based on skin color. Agree or disagree I could care less. Most people - ESPECIALLY WHITE PEOPLE (read white guilt) - are afraid to admit their prejudice because in today's world they will be banished into obscurity (read Rush Limbaugh on ESPN, Jimmy the Greek on ABC Sports, et al).

In high school, I was the minority. I graduated from a school that was 60% black and 40% other (which included Mexican, Hispanic, Asian, and White). You would think this experience would actually make a person more open-minded, but on the contrary, it makes you more jaded. You can tell all these people with white guilt have had little or no interaction with other races. If they did, they would already have their own prejudices and would SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Also in HS, my "crew"consisted of me and another white guy, two Mexicans, and a black guy. That's not to say I didn't hang around with people from all walks of life (my lunch "crew" was the goddamn rainbow coalition with a black woman, an Asian woman, a black man, a white woman, two white guys (me included), and a Mexican girl). Anyway, through this mix, I learned a LOT about prejudice from other races - which surprisingly to some - isn't very different from race to race.

One thing I found is that most people assume that white guys are racist. This is a bad assumption but one I enjoyed because you got to see how other people think of other races. I am not one to "go off" on someone for a racist comment. If I feel it's directed at a "group" I let it slide; however, if it's directed at someone I know (especially a friend) I will definitely call someone out. Luckily, I never saw anyone - at least in my presence - being outwardly racist toward anyone but me.

I dated a Mexican girl for some time. The first time I was invited to her house (aside from years ago when her sister was one of my girlfriend's good friends) was on 4th of July weekend. It was about 105 degrees outside and humid. In walks her sister (who I knew from high school) and her husband; the first words out of his mouth ... "Man, I'm sweatin' like a nigger trying to read." Eye opener for anyone not me - minorities have prejudices and it's not just white people.

James was part of my High School crew. About 6'5 and skinny, James found a talent for hoops late in life and came from a staunch Catholic upbringing. He related a story to me one time about how he was out with some "thug" friends. The ringleader of the group told James "The first white guy we see we are gonna jump." Luckily, they did not run into anyone that night. James' first thought ... "Man, I hope I don't see anyone I know." This is not a blanket statement by any means, but despite what commercials and modern times would have you believe - there are just as many black racists as there are white racists. Black racists are more violent because they do not need special groups to spread hate (see Aryan Nation, KKK, etc.).

Aside from my last job, I have only been around a handful of Indians (read people from India - dot not feather). One guy I met one night out with a host of others. I really knew very little about the Indian culture (and still know only slightly more) but I realized they have a disdain for Pakistanis. Shortly after 9-11, the gentleman told me the following ... "Pakistanis are either terrorists or they smell like shit; if you meet a showered Pakistani, shoot him before he shoots you!" Obviously it was said in jest (remember, I am the white, racist, ugly-American) but it showed that prejudices are world-wide. I think that sometimes, Americans believe we corner the market on the subject.

I was involved in a cash Fantasy Football League for a number of years. We used to watch the games as a group (for the most part) at a local bar that had NFL Sunday Ticket so we could see all of the games at once. One Arab gentleman - business owner and all-around great guy and family man - was a HUGE Chicago Bear fan. He loved the games as much as I so we became friends quickly. One problem he had though was he was just as big a fan when he watched his FFL guys on Sundays. I remember one Sunday when Shaun Alexander ran for 5 TD's in the first half; after each TD, he would yell "Oh Yeah!!! I own that nigger!" Arabs are not all terrorists. Arabs are not all haters of the United States, and - just like any race or country of origin - they have their own prejudices.

So the question really is, can we be prejudiced against a group and still interact, like and even befriend a member of that group? What the media - and bleeding heart jackasses - do not account for is the fact that yes you can. You can paint broad strokes as long as you are open minded when it comes to individuals. If you think all blacks are untrustworthy and therefore refuse to even acknowledge one in a happenstance meeting or even on a regular basis - you are a racist. If you feel all whites are untrustworthy yet are open minded enough to get to know just one, then you have prejudice but you are not racist. Now, in getting to know that one you decide that you're assumption is correct and cut off all communication with the white race ... you are racist just not a close-minded racist.

OK, let' step back a minute just because maybe some of you are not used to this way of thinking. I believe prejudice is not only common but it is necessary. Let's take for instance the FACT that white people cannot walk through some neighborhoods in Los Angeles. The same with Mexicans in other neighborhoods. The same with blacks in still other neighborhoods. Is it a prejudice to avoid those areas if you are the "unwelcome race"? Yes, but it's also prudent. Someone without prejudice would think nothing of walking into such an area and - more than likely - end up hurt or worse.

OK, to step back even further. Let's look at something most us can relate to since race may hit home too closely. Politics. In my opinion, I find Conservative Republicans completely devoid of thought, who base their decisions and politics on whatever interpretation of the bible they hold, and want to crusade the U.S. policies across the globe. In my opinion, the only difference between them and the Taliban or even Al-Qaida is that they do not adhere to the idiotic letter of the bible with stonings, eye-for-an-eye, and other practices of 2,000 years ago. With that said, Tennessee Jed considers himself a conservative Republican (at least by most of his views) and yet I do not feel that any of the negatives I associate with that political party to be endemic to him ... though I still think he should have his voter card burned, pissed on, and then he should have to relocate to Florida.

The point is, I have a prejudice (not just one mind you). Prejudice can shape our world viewpoint, our lives ... and our relationships but ONLY if we allow it. In life prejudice is practical, asinine, learned, experienced, and even embraced by the ignorant. It is on us to overcome our prejudices in our daily lives, make individual judgments, and only make those judgments on merit and not any outlying factor.

Pro-Choice: For the Children's Sake

2006-02-22T10:50:00.000-06:00

It is a well-known fact that many people in this world can barely take care of themselves. So what happens when these people have children? Well, I for one hope the buzz word will be "abortion". For all of you children who have found yourself to my site, I suggest we begin a systematic abortion of your parents. You see; this site is intended for adults and children who have parents like YOURS. Instead of allowing these people to - egads! - reproduce again, I believe it should be your right to realize your parents are worthless and abort them.

I am tired of going to public places and watching parents with out of control children. Is it the child's fault they are a loud, obnoxious, unruly piece of shit? Well yes, but the greater lame falls on the shoulders of the parents. Unless your child is born with gland problems or some other health disorder, there is no reason they should be obese. If your child is not ADHD (and in some cases I doubt this diagnosis as well), then there is no reason they should be an unruly piece of crap that annoys the piss out of me.

When attending a public establishment like an Applebee's or a local sports bar, the patrons are actually there to eat, not babysit your stupid fucking children. Recently I watched a woman allow a 3 and 4 year old run wild at Kep's place. They even played - screaming and yelling the whole way - out of her sight in the gaming area. Of course, they were under the watchful eye of an 11-year old kid who was trying to get them to shut the fuck up and calm down. It amazes me how ignorant people are.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. I go to restaurants and listen to children throw screaming, hissy fits while their parents simply talk over them. Or, even better, the kids run up and down the aisles of a restaurant while annoying patrons and acting as moving obstacles for the waitresses. Of course, the parents chat obliviously because at least the children are not annoying "them".

So for all of you kids out there who recognize your parents when they are described to you, I am asking you to do the humane thing. Whether you simply cut the brake lines to the - without a doubt - SUV they drive, "accidentally" start a gas leak then head over to a friend's house, or go all Menendez brothers on them ... the time is now. I can no longer put up with the stupidity and your example will serve as a shining beacon to all of the morons out there carelessly engaging in unprotected sex.

Please, think of the future idiot children and do the right thing. Abort your parents today!

For future reference

2006-02-21T10:33:00.000-06:00

I understand that having uneducated followers is the corner stone of any violent religion, so I thought I would help Muslim radicals understand a quick geography lesson. This is - of course - in hope that when they start flying planes into buildings, they can figure out if they are in Denmark or in the United States.

Distance between United States and Denmark: 4,500+ miles

Denmark: Smallest of the Scandinavian countries (half the size of the state of Maine), Denmark occupies the Jutland peninsula, a lowland area. The country also consists of several islands in the Baltic Sea; the two largest are Sjælland, the site of Copenhagen, and Fyn. Denmark has a population of roughly 5.5 million.

United States: World Super Power located in North America between Canada and Mexico. An estimated population of 280 million, the majority of whom would like to turn your little piss-pot country into a god damn weigh station for our oil trucks. Our chief export is bullets, bombs and missiles aimed at Islamic extremists.

Dutch or Not Dutch
Mohammed cartoons ... Dutch
World Super Power ... Not Dutch
Detective Wagonbach ... "Dutch" but Not Dutch
Islamic shit bags ... Not Dutch
Goldmember ... Dutch
Dutch Oven ... Not Dutch (trick question)
Islamic extremists demanding an apology ... Not Dutch
Denmark to Islamic extremists, "Suck it" ... Dutch

I hope this infographic helps ...

Tips for a Better "American Idol"

2006-02-20T12:57:00.000-06:00

More frontal nudity of the judges. Sex sells ...

Oh yeah, replace the judges with Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba and Eliza Dushku. Did you think I wanted to see Randy Jackson in a thong? Also, how does one allow a British guy to pick an "American Idol". That would be like letting France run our military draft when it gets reinstated.

Supply Ryan Seacrest with razor blades, full bottles of sleeping pills, and nooses for his exit interviews of loser contestants. Better yet, pair the not-so-enigmatically-gay Seacrest with Nelson Muntz to shout "Hah-Haw!" every time some loser comes out heart-broken.

Three words, baby: More William Hung! I personally am gearing up for Willy's latest release set to help fund raising for the Republican party. Tentative title is "Hung like an Elephant".

Jerry Spring-esque smack downs between fat, loud contestants and the judges. Steve Wilko to act as referee only.

Gangsta Rap wanna-bes shooting it out in line for the audition. This should help narrow down the contestants long before they make asses of themselves inside.

Scrap the phone voting for a Palestinian Authority election process. Our new American Idol is ... Osama Bin Laden. Cut to Osama hugging his opponent and then detonating the entire building and the morons who watch the show.

Why Gay Rights Activists feel the need to Pound Brokeback Mountain up our collective asses?

2006-02-17T21:10:00.000-06:00

In all fairness, I have not and will not see Brokeback Mountain. It's not because of homophobia, heterophobia, or even Gyllenhallaphobia (wathcing another shitty movie with Jake Gyllenhal). I hate love stories; I don't care if it's about gay cowboys, straight Eastern Bloc European women, or some dumbass movie about a notebook and two old geezers (screw you Gina).

Why is it that any critic who does not proclaim this as the greatest story ever about gay cowboys need to fear reprisal from the Gay and Lesbian coalitions as being labeled a "homophobe". Gay rights advocates are trying to thrust "gay" love stories into the forefront of accepted culture much like the re-birth of the lesbian movement in recent years. The problem, however, exists in the idea behind "gay" sex and "gay" relationships. The culture as a whole seems perfectly at peace (or at least tolerant) of gay men and their relationships.

Main stream media and pop culture is filled with gay men from Barney Frank to Elton John. When Ryan Seacrest finally comes out of the closet, he will be recognized as one of the most famous and popular gay men for teenagers and adolescence. Gay Pride parades happen in major cities around the country with nary a batted eye. Will and Grace has been on so long you would think it were about gay doctors during the Korean War. Congress passes bills protecting gay rights; states pass laws allowing gay marriage; and yet it's not enough. Everyone must embrace "Brokeback Mountain" as the greatest love story of all times just because it shows two gay men (hardly a new topic), really shitty dialog (if there is any), and a taboo of making them cowboys (which was stolen straight out of South Park). Whoopty shit.

With all that said, there will never be an acceptance of people rushing out to watch or buy "gay love" videos. Here come the stats to prove it:

99.99999% of men love to watch hot lesbians in action
99.99999% of women love to get oral sex
99.99999% of men never want to see male on male action no matter how "hot" the guys are
99.99999% of women who will not have anal sex unless alcohol and roofies are involved
In a population of (roughly) 300,000,000 people, that leaves the people who want to actually watch Brokeback Mountain at around: 60.

Girls Gone Wild, a huge hit with guys (and some women) of all ages.
Guys Gone Wild - not so much. Also, this was based on a schtick on NYPD Blue years ago. One informant asked for help in getting his video cameras returned from Miami. He told the detectives, "You ever hear of Girls Gone Wild? Well, our idea was to go down to the beach and tape guys flashing the camera. We were going to call it 'Guys Gone Nuts'."

Wild Things - a huge spring board for Denise Richards.
Death Trap - no one could look at "Super Man" the same again.

So in a world where movies like "Brokeback Mountain" are met with not only critical acclaim, but mainstream acceptance and no one burning down theaters, how much farther do we have to go before we can be honest about calling a movie an overhyped turd even if it's an overhyped, gay turd?

Original Muslim Jokes

2006-02-15T14:24:00.000-06:00

It was only a matter of time before I felt the need to lock my doors, barricade my windows, stock up on ammo, and have at it with the Muslim world. I feel it is my right ... no, my patriotic duty to disparage an entire religion of extreme radicals bent on the destruction of any person who does not believe in their invisible men. Here comes the jihad ...

A Muslim walks into a bar ... and promptly explodes.

Did you hear the one about the U.S. and Palestine. You see, the U.S. pushed for the State of Palestine to hold an election for "democracy"-sake. And - get ready to laugh - Palestine did it and the violent, radical, Muslim terrorist organization Hamas won the power majority in the government. Man, my sides are hurting.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. How about the one where Iran starts enriching uranium and threatening Europe, the U.S., and Israel with nuclear weapons? Isn't that a hoot?!?

The new Muslim bumper stickers:
My little jihadine suicide-bombed you and your honor student.
Allah is my co-pilot ... because Mohammed Atta is my pilot!
You can't spell "infidel" without D-I-E!

Did you hear about the one where some guy made a cartoon depicting Mohammed, and a hundred thousand Muslims rioted around the world and threatened violence to all foreigners (read non-Muslims)?

New Muslim t-shirt: Under my burqua, veil, hate-filled eyes and male-repression, I am wearing nothing at all ... (Please don't stone me to death)

Now that I have gone and done it, I am sweating like a Muslim trying to read. If you see me in public, you may want to stand at least 25 yards from me as to avoid the collateral damage from the suicide bombers assigned to take me out.

Real Estate: A Bastion of Losers, Cheats, and Retards

2006-02-13T14:01:00.000-06:00

Why is it that the largest purchases of our life are handled by people barely qualified to flip burgers? My wife is an honest real estate agent, but the money these people make for doing the most mundane of chores is a racket in and of itself. Not only that, we fund this transaction through loan officer whose main qualification is that they know how to lie and gouge you within the limits of the law. Here is just some examples of incomepetence, deception, and out-and-out gouging from these highly-educated, highly-ethical professionals in the industry. This list is only through the process of buying two homes:

From Buying our first home:
- Sheila Watson, our first realtor, told us that getting a home inspection was "a waste of money". Apparently, Sheila didn't realize that she was in violation of the law by telling us this since she is supposed to look out for our best interest. We recently spent a couple hundred dollars and several man hours fixing our basement wall which was rotted out from two poorly placed cement blocks on our patio. If there were any structural damage, we would be suing the shit out of her and Maloof Realty.

- The same Sheila "worked" with the selling agent of our current home to get us up to the price we paid for the home. I didn't say "negotiated" there did I? Sheila told us during the process "She thinks if we go to X amount, her client will go for it." In actuality, her and the other real estate agent bartered with each other to come up with the price. Collusion is definitely a good sign you have a shitty real estate agent.

- The same idiot from before, suggested we close on the house in the middle of the month because it was conducive to her schedule. What she failed to point out is the extra interest we would have to pay for that month on our mortgage. Her schedule cost us an extra $300 in closing costs.

From getting a mortgage for our new home:
- Heidi Picco, the loan officer from Countrywide Home Loans in Peoria, suggested I pay off my 7% interest car loan with a high-interest credit card to lower my monthly expenses. That is some solid advice for anyone with an IQ in the upper, single digits.

- The same Heidi Picco also would not even give me a quote on a home loan. This is the same company who has held my home loan for the last three years (of which I have never missed a single payment or even been late on a payment). She insisted that I get a "Good Faith Estimate" from another loan officer and then they would see what they could do. Apparently, Heidi's family tree includes the guy who looked at the wheel and said "great invention but I could have done better". When I realized I was not getting a 2nd paycheck for being Heidi's assistant, I decided to go elsewhere.

- Neil Leaves, the loan officer from GMAC, told me that we could get a home without escrow (paying the taxes and homeowner's insurance with our mortage every month). After signing the papers and the "Good Faith Estimate" (which is a written, binding, legal document that apparently isn't worth a roll of Cottonelle), the loan processor called to inform us that we would have to escrow. Her exact words were, "Neil should have told you that." The difference in monthly epenses comes out to about $350 per month. One would think that was a pretty important bit of information to have up front.

- Mike Boehme from Associated Mortgage Capital took the cake. Seventeen days before closing, he told us that Fannie Mae would not underwrite our loan at the stated loan rate that he gave us. So much for a "Good Faith Estimate". Instead our loan rate was to go up 0.75%. It doesn't sound like much until you realize that a 30-year, fixed-rate mortgage would cost us about an extra $22,000 over the life of the loan. Mike Boehme is still wondering why I fired him on the spot and why GMAC is financing the loan ... Though, to be honest, I am still trying to figure out why GMAC is financing the loan as well.

If you need a good real estate agent, drop my wife an e-mail at pam.lonteen@coldwellbanker.com ... if you are looking for a competent, honest loan officer, join the club.

Random Musings 9: President Bush Doesn't Care about Muppet People

2006-02-08T09:03:00.000-06:00

The face of Mohammed has appeared in a pancake of a woman in a trailer park in Alabama. Thousands of extremist Muslims plan to kidnap foreigners and Aunt Jemima for this attack on their faith.

An effective broadband advertisement: "After switching from dial up, I can now download enough Hentai to increase masturbation from 5 to 75 times per day."

The MasterCard ad with MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson) was by far my favorite Super Bowl commercial. Priceless. If you haven't seen it, it's well worth finding on the internet.

If a tree grows in the forest with a face of Mohammed in it's bark, will thousands of Muslims know to attack it ... and how long will it be before they blame the United States?

Sign of the apocalypse: A sequel to "You Got Served" is already in the making. Thank you Hollywood for serving us up another steamy pile.

George Deutsch (prononounced DEUCHE as far as I am concerned) has resigned with NASA. This would be a no-news story except for the fact that he tried to introduce "Intelligent Design" to our space program ... oh yeah, and his resume contained more lies than a pe-war intelligence report.

As the Enron trial continues poorly for the defendants, Ken Lay SERIOUSLY considers changing his name before going to Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison.

In his continuous effort to level the playing field between Texas education and the rest of the U.S., Bush and company plan to cut Corporation for Public Broadcasting funding by 13%. Upcoming scenes from a very special Sesame Street:

Elmo: "Elmo to Mr. President, Elmo to Mr. President. Come in Mr. President."
George: "This is George."
Elmo: "Suck it you mother-#$$@@#, %*&$-sucking, piece of monkey %#@! ... oh yeah, Elmo doesn't love you, you %$#%-ing $%#@#%-bag!!"

Fuck Islamic Extremists. Fuck Mohammed. And Fuck the Kid Gloves.

2006-02-07T13:41:00.000-06:00

A cartoon can cause a fucking Jihad. Are we going to learn that these times call for more extreme measures when dealing with these pricks?

I am so sick of this I can hardly look at the world nowadays. Are people finally going to realize how dangerous these fucking extremists are? It's not enough they fly planes into our buildings, kill innocent victims on a daily basis, kidnap anyone of a different faith and torture and behead them ... there are still apologists. People who claim "Christianity is just as bad." The only problem is, I haven't seen Pat Roberts and the fucking 700 club dressed for war surrounding a newspaper. I haven't heard the call of Christianity to begin a Crusade against Arab Muslims. I must have missed that in my daily affirmations.

This is not WWII and we are sending the Japanese to camps because they may be spies. This is not Viet Nam where we know where the NVA's home base is. This is our fucking reality. Islamic extremists exist throughout the world even in the U.S.

Currently, Muslim violence is sky-rocketing because fucking Denmark made a cartoon. Other European countries published it as well. The U.S. is refusing to publish it out of "respect for Islam". It is not out of "respect", it is out of fear. Someone finally realized these fuckers are as crazy as bat shit and more violent than we had imagined. It's about fucking time.

As for "news" agencies limiting what they say out of fear of reprisal, I say "pussies". If I had any cartoon talent, I would draw Mohammed getting ass fucked by Satan on top of a pile of dead Jihaders with the caption "Where's your God now, bitch?!?" Fuck Islam.

Does this make me a racist? Do I give a fuck? I am tired of this bullshit. We have airport screenings where a 60-year old white woman gets pulled out of line for security sake. Here's a hint, 90% of these assholes are from the Middle East. Fuck the ACLU and start targeting anyone of middle eastern descent. There is a reason it is called "racial profiling" ... it's because if you are sure there is a terrorist in a line up of an Englishman, an American, a Frenchman, and an Arab ... 99.9% of the time it's the fucking Arab. Racial profiling is not racism, it's using fucking common sense. If I find crayon on the wall in my house, I don't interrogate the fucking dog!

And for any of you apologists who will respond "People like you are the reason they hate us." Good! Get fucked. Newsflash dickface, do you know what happened to peace activists who went to Iraq? They were kidnapped, tortured, and killed because they were Americans. I don't feel the need to feel sorry for violent extremists who use a flavor of the month excuse to terrorize the world.

Then - of course - we have Iran threatening to cut off oil if they are not allowed to continue on their nuclear enrichment program. Let's see, a known terrorist state with nuclear capabilities. That's not scary at all is it? I have an idea, let's give them a demonstration of our own. Let's drop a fucking nuclear weapon on Tehran and turn fucking Iran into a parking lot. I believe that would show them the kind of power a nuclear weapon can unleash and just why we do not think they should possess them. In a related side show, I propose we do the same to Palestine which really isn't a country, just a state of Muslim extremists from all over the world.

Fuck you hippies, let the war mongering begin.

Thank God for the Assholes at The American Descency Assoication!

2006-02-07T11:13:00.000-06:00

Douche Baggery and the Super Bowl

With all of the worlds problems solved, the American Decency Association (or Asshat) takes on the Super Bowl!

February 6, 2006 - Superbowl and the churchThis was a football game. That's all it was. The NFL's championship football game. And corporate America and network television, with each passing year, has blown it into a bigger and bigger financial boondoggle to benefit greedy, financial entrepreneurs - and millions sucker for it in the name of family entertainment - even the church.
Time for a lecture from God-boy.

SuperBowl and the church
As I reviewed the video tape of last night's Superbowl half-time show with Mick Jagger strutting about singing sexualized songs that necessitated ABC edits and with multitudes of cheering ones gathered around the entertainment platform, I was sickened by the many evidences of undiscerning, thoughtless conformity.
I am so glad we have this tool "reviewing" tape that "sickens" him. Apparently, these douche bags have never heard of a remote control.

It's a football game but with all of the fanfare surrounding it you would think that it was a presidential inauguration or the coronation of a king or queen.
It is the biggest football game of the season. It has become a worldwide event. Who the fuck watches a presidential inauguration?

This was a football game. That's all it was. The NFL's championship football game. And corporate America and network television, with each passing year, has blown it into a bigger and bigger financial boondoggle to benefit greedy, financial entrepreneurs - and millions buy into it in the name of family entertainment.
First, I always love to repeat the exact same paragraph at least a couple of times when I am talking out of my ass. Second, football is not "family entertainment". It is a violent sport mostly watched by men drinking beer, eating pizza, and gambling on the game. I'm not sure where the "family entertainment" part comes into play.

And the Christian church.
Time for a soap box!

Let's all gather around the television set and conform to whatever is foisted before our eyes when we don't know what's coming next.
Apparently, this douche bag is clairvoyant. The entire purpose of television is to show us something we have not seen. Also, there is still a remote control available.

So here we are gathered in our living rooms and here's an ad for Pizza Hut featuring Jessica Simpson with an adolescent boy with sexual allusions of seduction.
If I said it once, I've said it a million times, Jessica Simpson is the anti-christ.

Or it might be that you are suddenly hit with a movie promo that shows a married man ogling the prevalent cleavage of a female jogger.
Read: I can't outright blame the Jews but you see where I am going with this.

And as you are gathered, what do you say to your kids or your youth group at these moments?
Well, first if you gather up a youth group to watch a violent sport filled with beer commercials and over the top ads that cost $3 million per spot, I would say "Hey look at the dumbass who organized a Christian youth group to watch this shit!"

How long before we just say as Christians enough is enough!Yes, bring on censorship! If it was good enough for the Romans - you know with the whole killing of Christ thing - then it's good enough for us!

I don't want even one of my loved ones sitting before these flagrant displays to think that I approve of this fiasco of materialism, sexual innuendo and blatant godlessness.
Then shut the fuck up and change the fucking channel you pompous, self-important, holier-than-thou, douche bag! Why is it that every religious zealot believes that their PERSONAL outrage should dictate to the world. You are no better than fucking Muslim terrorist , you simply choose not to blow yourself up ... which atcually is a fucking shame.

And what do we do with verses like:
"And be not conformed to this world ...." [Romans 12:1,2]"
I will place no wicked thing before my eyes." [Psalm 101:3a]"
Love not the world ... the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life ..." I John 2:15-17]
"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness ...." [Matthew 6:33,34]
I see your bible verses and raise you:
"let the good times roll let them knock you around" [The Cars-Let the Good Times Roll]
"And I think to myself, what a wonderful world" [Louie Armstrong-What a Wonderful World]
"... she grabbed me by the ears and said kiss me where it smells funny" [The Bloodhound Gang-Kiss Me where it Smells Funny]

It disgusts and saddens me when churches, too, fall right in line with the world in needing to have a Superbowl Party. Baby Jesus cries because people watch football.

For what purpose? What can they possibly hope to accomplish in the name of Jesus Christ who calls us out to be holy as He is holy? [I Peter 1:15,16]
Uhm, religion boy, does watching television serve a purpose for Christ? If it does, then Christ REALLY loves me!

Instead, why don't we behave and live lives that are Christian on the evening of the Superbowl (and every day as Christ calls us to live)?
Jesus, what fucking Super Bowl party were you at?

Visit a loved one.
Probably because they do not want to be bothered with your dumb ass while they watch the Super Bowl.

Visit a lonely one at a senior citizen facility.
So they can scream incoherently because your blocking their television ... and get off their damn lawn!

Have some lonely ones over for food and fellowship and play board games.
They cancelled. Your a douche bag and they don't want to listen to your sermons ... plus the Super Bowl is on.

Have a small group Bible study.
Awesome! Sitting around with like-minded halfwits bitching about the Super Bowl. Count me in!

But, to sit and let the world (corporate America) pour out its multimillion dollar ads with sexual imagery and themes undermining Biblical standards of holiness, righteousness, purity and modesty, doesn't make any sense - in His name.
Since when do we sit around in God's name to watch television? Dear Lord please bless these Cheesy Poofs and Miller Lites. Please allow Seattle to score just one more touchdown so I can cover the spread. And dear lord, if you would like me to do a line of blow off the stripper's ass give me absolutely no sign whatsoever ... Thy will be done (SNNNNOOOOORRRRTTTT).

Would Jesus be pleased?
Not really, he took Seattle and the points, but Abraham made a killing! On a side note: ya gotta love a good bible pun.

See also our bulletin insert from 2004
http://americandecency.org/bulletin/jan04.pdf
... bulletin insert tentatively named - Things Douche Bags with too much time on their hands care about.

In closing, the slippery slope exists. Without prayerful involvement, this, too, is an area where things will only get worse.Speak up.
Bring on the censorship!

American Decency Association
Am I D Ass

Bill Johnson, President
Personally I am offended by his name which is two innuendos about penises. Willy Johnson, please change your name or else I will write a shitty letter explaining why God hates you.

If anyone feels Bill Johnson sucks big donkey balls, you can drop him a letter at:

bjohnson@americandecency.org

I am personally offended by this e-mail address because it contains the letters "BJ". Also, some youths may believe the "b" stands for "Big"; we spoke with Mrs. Ivana Johnson and she says, sadly it does not.

My own personal belief is that anyone in this association should be spade or neutered so they cannot contaminate the rest of the world. That would be the decent thing to do.

Random Musings 8: The State of Chuck Norris's Union

2006-01-31T11:27:00.000-06:00

I always believed that "Crack Kills"; however, after watching just 10 minutes of "Being Bobby Brown", crack doesn't kill nearly fast enough.

Paris Hilton has no idea what country the city of London resides. Also unclear of where France or her underpants can be found ... whore.

The only way you could make "Brokeback Mountain" funnier is if - instead of sheep - they were gerbil herders.

I'm pretty sure I saw Kevin Federline's rap CD in the 99 cent bin at a Gas Stop in Utica ... or maybe it was the space they reserved for it.

The U.S. is threatening to cut aid to Palestine if newly elected political party\terrorist organization Hamas does not denounce violence ... in other news, the U.S. gives fucking aid to Palestine!

Baby wolves cry "Chuck Norris".

Define Irony: Howard Stern moves to Sirius satellite radio to escape the FCC ... now Sirius is going to impose limitations on his show.

Judge Alito is now a Supreme Court justice. Republicans control all the branches of government making "checks and balances" an interesting but useless theory (take that founding fathers!). Our military is stretched and we are making threats to Palestine, Iran, and South Korea. Anyone see imminent danger ahead? Not a joke, just scary.

I ate at Hooter's the other day and the waitress was so incredibly bad I wanted to go back in time and wipe out her entire family tree for producing such a slack-jawed, waste of oxygen.

We are buying a new house in February so I am really excited Alan Greenspan's last act today (Jan. 31st) before stepping down will to make sure he bumps up the fucking interest rate. Thanks douche bag!

Al Qaeda terrorists scrapped a plan on September 11th to hijack a 5th plane and fly it into Chuck Norris. After viewing "Invasion USA", they wet themselves and cancelled all Norris-related operations for the next century.

Random Musings 7: Enough hate to go around!

2006-01-27T13:53:00.000-06:00

I am currently writing a book about the rise of Asian women in corporate America. It is tentatively titled "Everyone Loves a Happy Ending".

I want to be the mayor of "Chocolate-Vanilla Swirl City" ... "with Sprinkles" (asians, hispanics, indians, and american-indians ... just not too many).

Korean scientist Woo Suk Hwang now claims her findings in "cloning" was a mistake by the media. She actually made a break through in "CRONING", the time and\or ceremony in which women celebrate the end of their years as a mother and the arrival of old age and wisdom ... FAH-Ra-RAH-Ra-RAH-Ra-RAH-Ra-RAH

Donovan McNabb is not a black quarterback. This message is approved by the Philadelphia NAACP.

I was at a bar the other night when some girl approached me by saying, "Your kinda cute. Kinda." I, for one, love back-handed compliments so I told her. "Thanks. You're sorta a fat bitch ... you look like you - ALMOST - went on a diet."

My son is three and is having a terrible time picking up after himself and cleaning his room. It became so bad the other night we had to have a family meeting. In the meeting, I warned him if he didn't start pulling his weight I would downsize his ass and hire a Mexican 3-year old for half the cost.

Gratefully Dead Jihadist Tour for the new Millenium
2002 Afghanistan
2003 Iraq
2006 Iran
2007 Palestine
2008 Syria
Dates subject to change with elections and flavors of the month; alternative, less obvious sites include Sudan, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, China, Mexico, and Canada!

God is angry with the United States so he is punishing black people as evidenced by hurricane Katrina. I liken that to me kicking Michael Bolton in the nuts because I don't like rap music. Sure, at the time, it made me feel better, but did it really get the point accross?

Cheers mates ... or if you're from the San Francisco Bay area - "Bottoms Up!"

January Blows

2006-01-24T15:23:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving and it's gluttony is gone, all the Christmas presents have been unwrapped and - in my case - returned. The New Year's hangover is a fuzzy memory and your daily drag kicks right back in. This is January.

Some may point to the NFL playoffs as a reason they await January, but really is that a good thing? The playoffs just - usually - mean Chicago is done for the season or will - as this year signaled - have one more game of false hope to play. We also have the empty feeling that football is almost over for the year. They couldn't even try to liven up the month by holding the Super Bowl in January; nope, February gets that. The days are usually overcast and dreary. You get the first working day of the month off and then no more holiday time off (in my case at least) until fucking Memorial Day; that's like 5 fucking months away.

You go to the gym and it's littered with fatass, lazy fucking trolls who spent all of 2005 getting fatter. They've collectively decided their "New Year's Resolution" is to lose weight. That means I get a month of trying to wedge into the locker rooms where these porked up manitis walk around with their junk hanging out. If you haven't seen your dick since the Reagan administration what makes you think the rest of us want to see it, lard ass???

Then of course you have to deal with double the flabbiness on the weight room floor as men and women alike don't have the first goddamn clue about etiquette or even common courtesy. Doing 3 reps and then sitting on a machine for a fucking hour isn't working out. These are the same assholes and\or cunts who probably brag about all the "time" they spend at the gym and yet no one can tell any difference.

Chicago Sports talk turns to the fucking Bulls and - jesus spare me - the Blackhawks. Both are about as interesting as the freckle on my right nut. Of course, there is the smattering of baseball blockbusters like someone getting traded for two minor league players you never heard of and - most-likely - will never see. You can't turn on sports anymore without ice skating, NBA basketball, hockey, and women's basketball. The only respite is the NCAA Men's basketball season which only rates slightly above doing my taxes in entertainment quality.

Experts analyze the Super Bowl from every angle reminding everyone that - it's just one game with good commercials. All the hype and bullshit can't take away the fact that there is only so much to say about it. Of course, two weeks of hearing about it will make anyone want to jump in the bath tub with a fucking toaster and a car battery just in case.

So let me end this "ode to January" ... the biggest bitch of the 12 months.

January 19th, 2006: Microsoft Mocks the World

2006-01-19T15:21:00.000-06:00

Japan grapples with invasion of giant jellyfish
Still no sign of Mothra or Godzilla.

Hamster, Snake Best Friends at Tokyo Zoo
Here come da badgers, here come da badgers.

Feds Seek Google Records in Porn Probe
Amazingly enough, I type in "Ass Fucks" and am redirected to the US Government site.

Microsoft Refutes 'Back Door' Claim
Issues statement "We haven't screwed your 'Back Door' in years. We just come straight at you baby and you take it. Ha, ha! Who's your daddy, bitches!

Chirac threatens nuclear weapons against 'terrorist' states
A Frenchman with balls ... I am pretty sure I ready about that somewhere in Revelations.

Keep America Beautiful: Tell a fat person to cover up!

2006-01-18T09:10:00.000-06:00

OK, so I am at some stupid-ass, Panera-ripoff the other day called Camille’s. Anyway, in walks a bunch of 15 year old girls all dressed like the whore Britney Spears. Now, fifteen year old girls – first and foremost – do not need to dress like whores when they walk out the door. I have one daughter and she’s not leaving the house until she’s 18 and that’s only going to be to register for College courses at an all-woman University, but I’ll be damned if I am going to give her a green light on looking like a total slut. That’s not the problem however. The problem is the two girls in the back of the group - who were at least 30 pounds overweight - were wearing the same size clothes as my daughter wears. These were little girls – even though their parents are fucking retards – so I gave them a pass, but here is the problem: who told fat women that they should dress like Britney Spears, Christina Aguillera or any other skinny bitch who’s about 10+ sizes smaller than they are?

In my house, I own at least 5 mirrors because I live with women. My wife is 5”0 and 100 lbs, skinny and hot looking. Sure, everyone says their wife is hot, but mine would blow away your wife so don’t bother. That’s not me being flattering – she hates this article – that’s me being realistic. My wife is 24 years old, a former Hooter’s girl, and has a body that Britney and Christina would vomit for. Anyway, that’s beside the point. You see, my wife wears tight clothes because SHE CAN. She will not induce vomiting by showing off her body. Why is that women, with at least ONE mirror in their home, cannot see the difference? If you wear a size 6 or bigger, you do not need to wear tight clothes. If your clothes size are in DOUBLE-fucking-DIGITS, you need to wear a size BIGGER to cover your fat ass. When it comes to jeans, if I can read your lips without you uttering a syllable, your fucking pants are too tight! If you have a single fat roll on your body please allow me to keep my lunch firmly in my stomach and NOT wear a halter top. Halter tops are a privilege not a right.

Why is that women with more rolls than Pillsbury feel the need to show off their cellulite-ridden stomachs. And on top of that – what’s even funnier – they get a belly-button ring. Listen up sweetheart, your belly button looks like a second vagina thanks to all the fat rolls, drawing attention to it with a halter top and a piercing is just a really bad idea.

I think there should be decency police and I am volunteering for the job. Let’s start to keep America beautiful by telling fat people that they need to put some clothes on. Hey, I am the last guy in the world to have a problem with fat people. Some people are fat because of glands and some people just don’t take care of themselves … I have no problem with that UNTIL you feel the need to show off your flabby ass to the world.

My ire is not just reserved for women, I see guys in the gym wearing sleeveless shirts and short shorts. What the fuck is that about? If you want to look GAY at least have the decency to get in shape. I’m neither an advocate or proponent of gay rights, but I will say at least that’s one demographic that keeps itself in shape! Oh and one more thing guys … unless you’re an Olympic swimmer or diver, save the speedo for UNDER the clothing.

The same goes to women about thongs. Thongs should not be made in plus sizes. I was behind a behemoth of a woman at Walmart the other day, and she was buying thong panty liners. If your thong can double as a bungee cord for a midget, you are too damn fat to wear one!

Please, fat people, quit showing off your flabbiness. If I see another fat person in tight clothes I am going to puke all over you. Please America, help keep this fine country beautiful by telling these flabby bastards to put some god damn clothes on!

Odd Facts

2006-01-03T15:57:00.000-06:00

Much like Hollywood, I am out of ideas for anything original, so I felt the need to rehash my past and bring you odds facts that many of you probably do not know. Feel free to wipe your ass with this article but what the hell. I may even surprise you:

'My senior season of High School Baseball, I pitched 80+ innings, struck out 68, walked 9, and hit 12 batters (11 on purpose).

Apparently I have a bit of an ego. My catcher told this joke about me in high school:
Coach Simmons was waiting in line to get into heaven. It seemed he had been there for centuries. Up walks a little old lady, the doors part, and she walks right in.
Coach calls to St. Peter, "What's going on, I have been waiting forever?"
St. Peter explains that was Mother Theresa and she did several great works on Earth so she gets the express line.
After another eternity of waiting, Coach Simmons sees a little old man walk up to the gates, the doors open, and he walks right in. Once again Coach inquires only to be told "That's Gandhi, he did a lot of great things on Earth, so he gets the express line."
Finally, Coach Simmons looks over in horror as Reed goes walking by the line, the gates part, and he walks right in.
Coach is beside himself. "What is going on? You can't tell me that Reed gets the express line to heaven also???"
St. Peter, chuckles and says "Oh no, that was God. He was just pretending that he's Reed."

I have never seen "Titanic" and am proud.

Once during a gradeschool basketball game (I was in 7th grade), I started a brawl with an opposing team that had parents coming out of the stands to break it up.

When I was a child, I watched "Star Wars" nearly 300 times. Anyone wonder how I made it as a web developer?

I am an award-winning poet, essay, and short story writer. That and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee in some places.

Once, to prove how a good repuation would sell bad poetry, I submitted and had published "Lifelong Plutonic Love and a Ruinous Tritheist". A poem I created by randomly flipping pages in a dictionary. I liken it to "art work" where idiots throw paint at a canvas.

I turned down an offer to attend West Point. Still kicking myself in the head over that one; though - in fairness - I would probably be getting my ass shot off in Afghanistan, Iraq, or soon-to-be-invaded Iran.

I am one of the few people who does not believe Pat Tillman's death was neither heroic nor noble, but selfish, reckless, and avoidable. He was recently married and had a child; running off to play super-hero is something you do BEFORE you have a family not after.

Once in a crowded restaurant, there were people behind me with a very loud child who was old enough to know better. When I went to leave I told them "Don't worry about the noise, I have a retarded cousin." They were flabbergasted and told me - very angrily - "He is not retarded!" At which point I turned to the child and said "You'll be ok, my cousin has retarded parents" ... and walked out.

From 21 to 25, I always left a box in my underwear drawer with $300 cash in it. The words on the box? Bail Money.

I have an IQ of 161 ... unless I am drinking. Which explains why I had a daughter out of wedlock with a bitch so god damn fat you could fake the moon landing on her ass.

Notre Dame lost, USC plays for championship, the Bears get a home playoff game ... piss off wankers!

Fornit Some Fornus

2005-12-28T13:20:00.000-06:00

Russ Ballard once sang "Voices, I hear voices, voices, I hear voices" and thus the EVP phenomenon began ... or as I call it "Everyone Poops ... and then records it". You would think a shit-fest like the movie White Noise would discourage every Fred, Velma, Dafney and Shaggy to look elsehwhere for their kicks, but nerds are popping up everywhere with voices from "beyond the grave." More like, those with a ham radio, cb radio, FM\AM radio, cell phone, television antenna, or any number of the seemingly billions of gadgets that broadcast voice and video on a daily basis.

So how does it work? That's the easiest part. Go to any room in your house, turn on a tape recorder and let the fun begin! Let the tape run for about an hour and then download the sounds to your computer. Next, spend another 2-3 hours of your life analyzing the white noise from your tape. Make sure to make plenty of notes where you "think you heard something." Once complete, cut the sound up into blocks of "maybe there was some shit here".

Now, use a sound filter to "get rid of background noise" (as one website instructed me) so that you can hear the EVP. "Remember, these voices could be in a different dialect" (another website instructed me) so anything that sounds like a voice is EVP. Man is that spooky or what!?!? I've gotten bigger hard-ons playing "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board".

So what great truths and stunning science have we uncovered using EVP. Proving the existence of after-life? Doing a "Greta" and psyhicly solving unsolvable mysteries? Finding your car keys? Well, actually, it's pretty much useless. If - and that is really stretching an IF - we are hearing people from beyond the grave, they are basically pissing and moaning incoherently. You would think with all of these wonderful recordings someone would give you a treasure map, solve a murder, or even tip you off that the final Seinfeld would be frickin' idiotic. But, alas, nothing of any substance has come form nearly 33 years of solid research.

Even in White Noise, the "bad ghosts" used EVP to fuck up dumbass "researchers" and basically ruin the shit of Michael Keaton. Since Michael Keaton ruined Batman, I was all for it when they tore his shit up before throwing him to his death. That's what you get for devoting what was left of your life to being a douche bag with a tape recorder. By the way, if you haven't seen White Noise, don't read those last three sentences.

I tried my own EVP experiment by unplugging my cable-ready tv and simply turning it to a station that had no reception. After watching the salt and pepper white noise for a few minutes things started to happen. Voices and even faint images began to appear seemingly from nowhere. I heard enitre phrases. Distinct voices. Sometimes muffled, sometimes very distinct. And then, the scariest thing ever. An image, indistinct at first, and then horifying - Bill O'Reilly. The O'Reilly factor was haunting my teleivision set. Jesus, Mary and Joseph it was frightening and I have it all on tape. I can even make out the phrase he kept saying over and over again, first ghastly and indistinct, and then slowly building into a chant "I am a talking douche bag ... I am a talking douche bag ... I will haunt you from beyond the grave because I am a talking douche bag".

Since this experience I have burned my television set along with other recording devices. EVP is much too scary to a mild mannered man like me. Bill O'Reilly is out there, you cannot escape him. He will live forever in shitty Fox News time slots and in EVP from (insert evil laugh here) B-E-Y-O-N-D THE G-R-A-V-E!!!

EVP is for dumbasses with too much time on their hands.

New Hotness

2005-12-26T22:00:00.000-06:00

OK, so I had the idea to create a blog that basically rips apart idiotic blogs. Granted, this little piece of heaven could be attacked and has been, but that's for the dolts and religious zealots of this world. Me, I am all about peace and love and ... ok, can't even make it through that sentence with a straight face.

Anyway, I started a new blog that has already made a difference. Within hours of posting my first article and leaving a comment on the blog I ripped, the entire article was taken down. Now folks, that is pretty inspiring. I just hope that - in the future - I can help rid the world of shitty writing, idioitic people, and soccer moms with too much time on their hands (I know that is redundant).

So, without further adue, please checkout:

This Just In ... Your Blog Sucks

Oh yeah, piss off!

Random Musings 6: Return of the Brown-Eye

2005-12-22T11:45:00.000-06:00

Lance Armstrong is married to singer Sheryl Crowe and why not? He's one nut away from being Sheryl Crowe.

Cheese and Bacon soup at Hooter's may be the healthiest thing you could order ... aside from a health inspection.

Toys-for-Tots discourages urinating in their receptacles.

I apologize for calling my ex-girlfriend a whore in a previous post. Whore's let you know how much it will be up front. I apologize to whores as well.

How come PETA doesn't go after Taco Bell for giving the "Yo Quiero" dog irreparable colon damage?

Speaking of Taco Bell, I had a bean burrito from there the other day, and let me tell ya: going in or coming out, there's really no difference.

Speaking of bells, is it me or would you like to hear how the Salvation Army bell sounds coming out of a volunteer's ass?

My new pickup line (feel free to use it single guys): Right now you're a 6. But if you come home with me, I'll flip you over and make you a 9.

This Week's Installment of "Ask a Dumbass Hippy"

2005-12-21T10:25:00.000-06:00

I asked a simple question of a dumb hippy and of course, I got a very long and winding answer. The question: "How do you interrogate a terrorist whose not afraid of death?"

Well, if he's not afraid of death, he's probably not going to be afraid of pain, either.
Ask anyone who has ever served in the military especially special ops: everyone has a breaking point.

As has been demonstrated time and again, torturing tends to get the tortured to say what the torturer wants to hear.
No, interrogation gets the interrogated to say what the interrogators want to hear.

The "line", as you put it, is very simple for a reason: THE U.S. IS IN THE WRONG, AND MUCH OF THE TERROR BEING COMMITTED IS BY US.
You're right, we are all too busy strapping bombs to our chest and blowing up innocent people.

At least 30,000 dead that Bush has admitted to.
No one dies in a war, ever.

Abu Ghraib.
Isolated incident from the thousands of prisoners being held. I wonder what the Irqi's under Saddam Hussein did to prisoners. Let's ask them - are there any prisoners of the former regime reading this blog or have you already been gassed or executed? Any prisoners released by Al Qaeda who were not executed on a tape that was released to Al Jazeera? No? Thought not.

Guantanamo.
The prisoners in that fucking place are treated better than 90% of the poor in this country.

Terror Alerts, politically timed to distract the American people from embarassing reports about the government.
Finally, something we can agree upon. Don't get your hopes up though folks, it's all down hill from here.

Nobody in this administration has ever, ever bothered to ask the one big question: motive. It's considered treasonous to want to know why the terrorists want to attack us. I, like pretty much everybody else on the Left, was all for going after Osama bin Laden. Pity we stopped before we caught him and went to Iraq instead. I don't want to find out why the terrorists do what they do because I sympathize with them in any way; I want to find out why they do what they do so we can stop them both in the short term and the long term.
Oh Jesus, here comes Dr. Phil the freedom fighter. Let me explain something to you my dumbass, hippy friend. Islam is a religion started by a general; amazingly enough its' radicals are proactive and violent. The Middle East hates the Jews for occupying the Holy Land which is Jerusalem. They have been warring for THOUSANDS of years. The U.S. is Isreal's staunchest ally making the U.S. a target. Our only way out - stop terrorism ... or allow it to happen, cut ties with Israel, and pray terrorism doesn't hit our back yard - AGAIN.

The "lack of substance" of which you speak has been in fact a lack of blogging, as I spent most of October and November appearing for music dates and finishing work on an album.
C'mon people now, smile on your brother, everybody ...

I very deliberately avoided political blogging, for the simple fact that it would've eaten my days and nights.
And the fact that you know little to nothing about politics, the world, or current events.

You'll find a little bit more in the archives.
Damn little.

I also have a LiveJournal.
Thank god ... even dumber ass then this.

That said, don't take this the wrong way, but... it's, ah, not your problem. If you don't like, please don't read. I promise not to think worse of you.
And if you can't take criticism or defend your dumbass statements, I would suggest not posting to the world wide web ... or at least turning comments off so that you don't have to realize how inane your blog is.

The Eulogy of Maddox and "The Alphabet of Manliness"

2005-12-21T09:15:00.000-06:00

I was excited; Maddox was taking "The Best Page in the Universe" and bringing it to hardback with a 150 page book of original material ... and then all relevant communication stopped.
In the last five months, the man who made pop-culture his personal bitch has been only able to mail it in with a self-explanatory update called "Idaho Blows". Even the title makes longtime Maddox fans cringe with embarrassment and even a little fear. Has Kensington Books turned Maddox into everything he hates?

Instead of hearing from the poet in exile, we are forced to whet our tastes with inane cartoons by Maddox-wannabes lucky enough he didn't delete their e-mail for misspelling the word "submission". Each day I check the site - less and less frequently I admit - I get to see "an update" by some Picasso of MS Paint. I liken it to attending Woodstock ... as sponsored by Pepsi.

It's as though "The Alphabet of Manliness" - and many more "projects" such as a comic and a video game - are merely vehicles to selling out. I give him credit. Maddox found his niche, built his site from word of mouth, and is now - seemingly - trying to grab at every dollar before the bottom falls out.

Being a capitalistic douche bag myself, I can tip my hat to him. I may even throw on a couple popups and some google adsense spots to cash in myself for solidarity sake. Until then, wake me when "The Alphabet of Manliness" hits the stores. Until then, I will hold a candlelight vigil at Christopher Reeve's house praying for the re-emergence of the pirate known as Maddox. A vast beacon of ass-kicking in an tepid sea of buggery.

R.I.P. Maddox and "The Alphabet of Manliness"

Parenting Tips from an Islamic Fundamentalist

2005-12-20T09:58:00.000-06:00

Though the Koran strictly outlaws soaps, perfumes, and deodorant, children's bathing is still to be done once per month whether needed or not.

Teach your children right from wrong:
1) Democratic elections are "Satanic" ... Suicide bombing is a blast!
2) The Great Satan oppresses our people, kill the infidels at all costs ... all women should be covered head to toe and should speak only when spoken too. (Actually, I kinda like that part minus the burqa)

According to Allah, our children have no need for Math or Science. Any teachings must be Koran-based or use the supplemental teaching companion of Smith and Wesson.

If you catch your child masturbating explain to him that this is the work of the great Satan and then cut off his hand.

If your child is caught masturbating a second time, deny his existence, take him to the town square, and - with the help of your family and neighbors - stone him to death.

To show your son has matured to manhood, remember to take the diaper off his ass and afix it upon his head.

If your son or daughter will not stop crying tell them "Your daddy was a suicide bomber because you cried."