Monday, May 16, 2005

Beer: An American Travesty

"To Beer! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems."

One thing I've noticed in the 15+ years I have been drinking beer. American beer is just about the shittiest lot you can find. Seriously, if it weren't for Miller Lite and the occassional Michelob, I would die from lack of taste. Or possibly get more done and not wake up with hangovers, who knows?

Seriously though, tomorrow when you're walking through the local Kroger or Walmart take a real look at what America has to offer in beers, malts, and lagers. Then cry. Here is a list of our not so great installments in what is a very sad history.

When you think of Blatz there can only be one good explaination for this beer. A governmental study into why people drink and their habits. The results: scientists found people are desparate enough for beer that they will drink this low cost imitation made from barley, hops, and whatever else is in the cow shit they use to make this horrendous panther piss. The name originated from the sounds often heard coming from the bathroom after consuming more than a six-pack ... BBBBLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTZZZZ

Bud Light
Do you know what Bud Light and sex in a canoe have in common? They're both "fucking close to water". My god, if you're looking for a beer with no taste but causes brain busting, mind-blowing hangovers the folllowing day ... this is your beer!

Colt .45
I don't care what Billy Dee Williams has to say, using Colt .45 to get a classy woman is like taking Paris Hilton to your prom ... why bother it's all gonna end with you getting laid. Any woman "classy" enough for Colt .45 will think you are a "big spender" when you break out the "big gun" ... Mad Dog 20/20. Go get'em tiger!

From the land of Sky-Blue waters my ass. This shit tastes like it was strained through crusty underwear and then packaged in a rusty drainage ditch. Fuck me sideways, I couldn't choke one of these down with a Colt .45 to my head.

Natural Light
Obviously named for the color of the runny shit that pours out of your body the following day. It tastes just shy of total dog shit and should be sold at a fucking CVS in the laxative section.

Red, White, and Blue
This was obviously the first terrorist plot to kill as many Americans as possible. Name a beer something Patriotic, and then make it something completely god forsaken. The plan misfired when many Americans realized that if there is SHIT floating in the bottom of the beer, it's probably not safe for consumption. I know wine has dregs, what the fuck does this beer have?

I am pretty positive I understand how this beer got it's name. Two taste testers - and I use that term VERY loosely - got shit-faced one night on their latest batch of brew. Of the previous thirty batches, this was the only one that got them drunk, didn't make them go blind, and was not making things fall off of their bodies. The next day the conversation went something like this:
Jackass 1: How was the beer?
Jackass 2: Man I got seriously fucked up!
Jackass 1: Me too!
Jackass 2: I spent the entire next morning and most of the day on the throne with a BAD case of the Schlitz but at least my eyesight didn't go on me!
... and thus, a beer was born.

St. Ides
Though those that sell St. Ide's do not require an age limit for it's consumption, you must commit a minimum one drive-by before you are allowed to drink this piss water.

Zima stand for "Zomething's in my ass". The only time it's ok for a man to drink this is if he 1) is suffering from a pounding-headache, vomit-producing hangover or 2) takes a pounding in the ass on a nightly basis from his boyfriend. This is as cut and dry as any rule out there. 8am hangover and Zima ... ok. 10pm at the local watering hole ... bring the astro-glide.

Feel free to add your own. My stomach is already queasy and I'm starting to lose consciousness ...

Coming soon ... Five Great Movies You've Never Seen


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