Thursday, May 19, 2005

Five Great Movies You Haven't Seen

When it comes to movies, I have seen them all - for the most part. The one thing I am known for is giving every movie a shot. Really, that's when you find the best movies. There are - literally - thousands of movies made each year, but anyone can go watch some studio blockbuster that gets overhyped beyond belief. I like to watch those as well, but the moviews that slip through the cracks, that do not get the hype, are the ones I really enjoy. Movies like Office Space did very little by way of the box office, but it's probably one of the most quoted films ever by working schlubs like me. The point: if a movie is good, people will figure it out. Here are 5 movies that slipped through the cracks.

5. The Way of the Gun
"Someone tell that bitch to shut up before I come over there and fuck-start her head!"
The opening scene of this movie is worth the price of admission. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in a fight because of women. I cannot tell you the number of times - when I was bouncing - that a woman with a big-ass mouth started a fight. And why? Because they know a guy is going to stick up for them and they won't get punched in the mouth - which is often what they deserve. I have never hit a woman, but good lord if there was ever male on female violence that was justified, watch the opening scene.

4. Making the Grade
"Who are you Kurt fucking Gowdy?"
This is a VERY obscure movie but well worth tracking down if you can. The premise of this flick is Palmer Woodrow - a rich kid whose been thrown out of several prep schools - hires Judd Nelson to act as him and attend yet another prep school. No real star power here except Judd Nelson's character is on the run from Adrew Dice Clay. Going through IMDB, the top-billed actors are either dead or never heard from again. There was a sequel alluded to in the movie credits but it was never made. Regardless, this movie was one of the best teen comedies of the 1980's but no one has really ever seen it. I have a copy on Beta which tells you how old this movie is. However, it is available on DVD which I am now going to have to buy.

3. Suicide Kings
"What the fuck's a busket?"
One of the best dark comedy's you could ever hope for. This movie rates a 7.0 at IMDB which is amazing given the only actors of note in it are (my favorite actor who fears marsupials) Christopher Walken, Jay Mohr, Dennis Leary, and Brad Garrett (the brother in Everybody Loves Raymond). But the true star of the show, aside from Walken whose acting makes this a great film, is Johny Galecki (played David on Roseanne) as Ira. Possibly one of the funniest scenes in the movie is when Ira is asked to get a rent-a-cop away from the front door so he does not discover the hostage of Christopher Walken. I have watched this movie at least 10 times and every time I find something new. If you love quick witted, dark comedies this movie ranks up there as one of the best.

2. Love Stinks
"You're the devil." (making horns with fingers) "The FUCKING DEVIL"
This is one of the best movies ever made. I would never have thought a cast consisting of Bill Bellamy, Tyra Banks, and French Stewart would be worth two squirts, but this is probably the best comedy ever. It helps if you're jaded like me because it makes it 10 times as funny. The premise of the movie is that French Stewart is a sitcom writer who falls for the wrong woman (played by Bridget Wilson, the hot chick in Billy Madison - "Ohhh Veronica Vaughn. So nice. Want to touch the hiney!"). If there was ever a better fart scene - yes I am 12 years old - in a movie, only Blazing Saddles can rival this one. Other "stars" in the movie include Justin Bateman (remember him from "It's Your Move" and brother to Justine Bateman\Mallory Keaton ?) and Tiffany Amber Thiesen (Kelly Kopowski) who play the stars of the sitcom Stewart and Bellamy created.

1. True Romance
"I always said, if I had to fuck a guy... I mean had to, if my life depended on it... I'd fuck Elvis. "
The baddest-ass movie of our time. Written by Quentin Tarantino and - thank god - not directed by him. This movie has an all-star cast and some of the most memorable lines in movie history. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this movie kicks ass. You have to watch it at least a half-dozen times just to catch the dialogue which was unbelievable. It has everything: action, star power, kung fu films, Elvis, references to Steve McQueen, drugs, hookers, sex, and plenty of violence to boot including the ultimate in Mexican standoffs. Here's a few actors who bring this movie to the forefront of modern theater: Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette in the lead, Gary Oldman as Drexel ("It ain't white boy day is it?"), Samuel L. Jackson BRIEFLY, Dennis Hopper as Christian Slater's father (facing death at the hands of the mob "Here's a fact I don't know whether you know or not. Sicilians were spawned by niggers."), Michael Rappaport as Christian Slater's best friend (Phoebe's cop boyfriend on Friends), Saul Rubinek as Lee Donowitz (cut off in traffic - "Don't flip me off! I'll have you killed!"), Jame Gandolfini as the hit man (the Soprano godfather as a hit man), Brad Pitt as Floyd ("Don't condescend me, man. I'll fuckin' kill ya, man."), Christopher Walken as Vincent Cocotti ("You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you."), Val Kilmer (as Elvis the guide for Christian Slater), Bronson Pinchot, Chris Penn, Tom Sizemore and a host of others! The best god-damn movie ever made as far as I am concerned!

One last quote from True Romance ... "If there's one thing this last week has taught me, it's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it."

Coming soon ... Are You Seriously Fucked Up?


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