You're Doing it Wrong: Masturbating at Work

Easter Sunday I ate an early dinner with my girlfriend and all the kids. Despite chowing down on ham, potato salad, deviled eggs by the handful and plenty of bake beans; I found myself starving later that night. I ended up raiding the cupboard for a late-night nacho concoction complete with chips, cheese and jalapenos.

Monday, when I went to work, I was damn near tearing my pants off around 8:30 as the gas and nachos decided "no mas". The corporate bathroom is a tiled area with three urinals and two stalls. The furthest stall - the handicapped stall - was available amazingly just after breakfast. I made my way to drop the kids off at the pool not giving a second glance to the other "taken" stall.

Now, if you're going masturbate in public, I am sure there are countless rules. To be honest, I am no expert - I'm a web developer\architect not a Republican politician. However, based on my experience this mornging, I think I can hand out some quality tips to those who just can't seem to make it 30 minutes into their Monday without engaging in man-to-hand combat.

1) Try to keep it down.
People are in their to take a piss and\or shit. Your heavy breathing and occassional "aaahhhhh" groans may attract unwanted attention. It's a bathroom stall not a sound-proof recording studio where you can record your latest R. Kelly tribute.

2) If you fail to abide by rule #1, try to keep the "fap-fap-fap-fap" sound to a minimum while shuffling your feet.
And the unmistakable sound of fapping is hard to explain away. And "Umm, sorry guys I was just feeding an ice cream cone to my penis," excuse ain't gonna cut it. Also you would be well advised not to bang against the bathroom stall wall like your trying to build a new edition onto the fucking thing.

3) If you fail at avoiding #1 and #2, at least try to remember that your not invisible.
Bathroom stalls only cover from your shin on down. From there, the guy next to you can see your pants around your ankles while your belt dips, twists and gyrates like you have an angry marlin on the line. Seriously about the best you can hope for is someone thinking you're in convulsions or an early onset of parkinsons.

4) OK, so you've failed to take the first three precautions. OK, at least have your feet facing the proper direction.
Your pants are around your ankles and your shoes are facing THE TOILET for a good 5 minutes? Either you are 5 years old, have the worst case of stage fright ever, or your playing your own skin solo to "Push the little daisies." Come on man, at least try to make it look like you're doing something else!

5) OK, ya fucked up the first 4 points but now here's some redemption. You can still explain it all away with an enlarged prostate, just finish quietly.
Jesus christ man what the hell are you thinking?!? You've been standing there for 5 minutes, the only sound louder than your contstant "fap-fap-fap" is you breathing like you've been hired for a 900-line and now ... now you got to give us a fucking audio-aid to the fucking money shot? You don't shoot it directly in the water, man! On top of that, the long, exaserated breath you let out is un-fucking-mistakable to anyone's who corralled a tadpole or two.

6) OK, man maybe the urge was just too much. You can still leave with some dignity.
Holy fucking christ on a Ritz cracker, he's actually spinning the toilet paper and cleaning himself off. What the fuck dude? Forget dignity, think about self-preservation. iT'S monday fucking morning right after breakfast. Someone had to hear all that. Don't exacerbate the situation by taking your time to tidy up.

7) Ok no chance left at dignity. Just steal away like a thief in the night.
I finish my constitutional and make my way to the sink when there are three guys sitting out there chatting. I look down at their shoes and FOR FUCKSAKE! You don't fucking hang around and loiter after that. What possible fucking explaination could you have? And not only that, now I get to see you in person and try and decide do I make fucking eye contact? Will you think I'm interested if I do? What the fuck!?!

So I did the only rational thing, I kept my head down and made my way to the sink. But as soon as someone initiated conversation I spun around, glared at the chronic masturbator and did my best evil monkey impersonation ....

Hey if it keeps him from coming around me - or near me for that matter - I'm all for it.

ps. Aside from the evil monkey stare, this blog post is 100% truth.