Thousands flock to "Pedo Graceland"

Penn State University - Thousands of peophiles and child-rape enthusiasts have flocked to Penn State to pay homage at the feet of revered coach, humanitarian, and pedophilia-rights activist Joe Paterno or "JoePa" as he was lovingly known to community, fans, and alleged victims.  As news that the Board of Trustees were convening to render a decision as to whether to take down the iconic statue of the legend, thousands heard the call and came not only to show respect to their fallen deity but to show solidarity among pedophiles and their enablers everywhere.

When this reporter asked Brian Jones of Clarion  why he felt the need to visit the JoePa statue he became overwhelmed with every emotion but shame. "Well to be honest, I just felt I had to do it," he said through the tears. "JoePa was a great man who won a lot of football games and really was an inspiration to the young and old.  Especially if the old liked to have sex with the young.  You just don't see that kind of character and integrity any more."

Kevin D. Diddler of Gettysburg was quick to point out that the Board of Trustees overstepped their bounds in firing Coach Paterno months ago. "We all saw it," says Mr. Diddler. "There was no evidence.  They just wanted him out.  It was bigotry and a rush to judgement.  They wanted JoePa out no matter how many years it took them to do it.  They finally got their way."

When asked about the fact that Sandusky was eventually found guilty of 45 counts of child sexual abuse and the Freeh Report showed Coach Paterno helped cover it up for years, Mr. Diddler became enraged.  "I don't know what kinda 'news' you report but I get my news from ESPN! Like Matt Millen said the Freeh Report is just one man's opinion. It's obvious to all us here that JoePa was a great man and even in his death he is being persecuted for believing in himself, his school, his friends, and that blowing whistles on pedophiles was inhumane! You see that sign there it says 'Educator, Coach, Humanitarian.' and THAT is what JoePa was!"

The impromptu memorial\rally drew people as far away as Washington D.C. such as D.J. Love III who found the "Paterno way" an inspiration. "I think the quote on the statue really sums up JoePa's legacy and the Paterno way," said Love referring to the inscription "Success with Honor".  "I mean not only did he build this community being the greatest football coach ever but he transformed it into a shining beacon of tolerance. Let's be honest, the people of this community - and most of the students - are simple, mouth-breathing hill-jacks.  If they saw two men kissing in public they would probably run them out of town if not beat them to a pulp there on the spot.  But if you're a man having sex with a boy in the shower, no one bats an eye. It's a community of tolerance and truly a Happy Valley and he - Coach Joe Paterno - is our Rosa Parks."

Not all of those at Penn State shared the outpouring sentiment however.  One high-ranking school official who would only speak on condition of anonymity said, "I just don't understand it. How can these people in light of all that has happened still cheer an enabler of child-rape."

When asked whether they felt the need to speak-up, the official summed it up: "To speak up is to put a target on your back.  Joe Paterno still has a long reach even in death.  I just wish someone would step up and take care of this situation.  I feel just like those children must have felt.  Won't someone come help us?"

Never go Full Palin

Check it out. Dan Quayle, 1988, look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Misspelled words, stumbled over basic grammatical structure and sentence-forming, even in prepared speeches. Dumb, sho'. Not retarded. You know Al Gore, Cinton Administration. Slow-talker, yes. Retarded ideas, maybe. But he birthed a Futurama writer and was a level 12 Vice President. That ain't retarded. Joe Biden, "Yes We Can." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full Palin, GOP. Never go full Palin. You don't buy that? Ask Lloyd Bentsen, 1988, "Dukakis/Bentsen." Remember? Went full Palin, went home empty handed...

You're Doing it Wrong: Masturbating at Work

Easter Sunday I ate an early dinner with my girlfriend and all the kids. Despite chowing down on ham, potato salad, deviled eggs by the handful and plenty of bake beans; I found myself starving later that night. I ended up raiding the cupboard for a late-night nacho concoction complete with chips, cheese and jalapenos.

Monday, when I went to work, I was damn near tearing my pants off around 8:30 as the gas and nachos decided "no mas". The corporate bathroom is a tiled area with three urinals and two stalls. The furthest stall - the handicapped stall - was available amazingly just after breakfast. I made my way to drop the kids off at the pool not giving a second glance to the other "taken" stall.

Now, if you're going masturbate in public, I am sure there are countless rules. To be honest, I am no expert - I'm a web developer\architect not a Republican politician. However, based on my experience this mornging, I think I can hand out some quality tips to those who just can't seem to make it 30 minutes into their Monday without engaging in man-to-hand combat.

1) Try to keep it down.
People are in their to take a piss and\or shit. Your heavy breathing and occassional "aaahhhhh" groans may attract unwanted attention. It's a bathroom stall not a sound-proof recording studio where you can record your latest R. Kelly tribute.

2) If you fail to abide by rule #1, try to keep the "fap-fap-fap-fap" sound to a minimum while shuffling your feet.
And the unmistakable sound of fapping is hard to explain away. And "Umm, sorry guys I was just feeding an ice cream cone to my penis," excuse ain't gonna cut it. Also you would be well advised not to bang against the bathroom stall wall like your trying to build a new edition onto the fucking thing.

3) If you fail at avoiding #1 and #2, at least try to remember that your not invisible.
Bathroom stalls only cover from your shin on down. From there, the guy next to you can see your pants around your ankles while your belt dips, twists and gyrates like you have an angry marlin on the line. Seriously about the best you can hope for is someone thinking you're in convulsions or an early onset of parkinsons.

4) OK, so you've failed to take the first three precautions. OK, at least have your feet facing the proper direction.
Your pants are around your ankles and your shoes are facing THE TOILET for a good 5 minutes? Either you are 5 years old, have the worst case of stage fright ever, or your playing your own skin solo to "Push the little daisies." Come on man, at least try to make it look like you're doing something else!

5) OK, ya fucked up the first 4 points but now here's some redemption. You can still explain it all away with an enlarged prostate, just finish quietly.
Jesus christ man what the hell are you thinking?!? You've been standing there for 5 minutes, the only sound louder than your contstant "fap-fap-fap" is you breathing like you've been hired for a 900-line and now ... now you got to give us a fucking audio-aid to the fucking money shot? You don't shoot it directly in the water, man! On top of that, the long, exaserated breath you let out is un-fucking-mistakable to anyone's who corralled a tadpole or two.

6) OK, man maybe the urge was just too much. You can still leave with some dignity.
Holy fucking christ on a Ritz cracker, he's actually spinning the toilet paper and cleaning himself off. What the fuck dude? Forget dignity, think about self-preservation. iT'S monday fucking morning right after breakfast. Someone had to hear all that. Don't exacerbate the situation by taking your time to tidy up.

7) Ok no chance left at dignity. Just steal away like a thief in the night.
I finish my constitutional and make my way to the sink when there are three guys sitting out there chatting. I look down at their shoes and FOR FUCKSAKE! You don't fucking hang around and loiter after that. What possible fucking explaination could you have? And not only that, now I get to see you in person and try and decide do I make fucking eye contact? Will you think I'm interested if I do? What the fuck!?!

So I did the only rational thing, I kept my head down and made my way to the sink. But as soon as someone initiated conversation I spun around, glared at the chronic masturbator and did my best evil monkey impersonation ....

Hey if it keeps him from coming around me - or near me for that matter - I'm all for it.

ps. Aside from the evil monkey stare, this blog post is 100% truth.