Monday, May 30, 2005

A Look Back: Y2K

All around the united states, there are companies that are still wondering why Y2K didn’t come with 2 tubes of KY. I am a computer programmer and this may have been the biggest scam in U.S. history. Forget the Great Train Heist, the Lastanza robbery, the Italian Job, anything. This little piece of ridiculousness cost BILLIONS of dollars for tax payers and companies. BILLIONS!

First and foremost, the entire idea behind was brilliant and preposterous all at the same time. It took “experts” to convince millions that using a 2-digit date would cause catastrophic problems for the entire world possibly throwing us into a dark age. In all reality, I could write a program – in about 10 minutes – that could have updated 99% of all software from using 2-digit dates to 4-digit dates. The other 1%, we could work out in testing of the new programs. We are talking a DAY maybe TWO DAYS to update programs. At last relevant count that I saw, the U.S. spent OVER $300 BILLION on Y2K compliance. That’s 300 BILLION DOLLARS!

To put this in perspective, let’s do an apples to apples comparison. I worked on the #1 precision farming software in the world. The software utilized a programmer at $80,000 per year, two support people at $120,000 per year, an agronomist and a programming supervisor splitting time between projects at (we’ll guess) about $50,000 per year. That’s ¼ of a million dollars on a software that supported MILLIONS of farm acreage which in turn fed millions of people. Had we taken the money for Y2K and invested it into software we are talking about the creation of 4.8 million high paying jobs (in dollar cost estimates) for an entire year. Instead we threw money out the window to high paid “consultants” whose ENTIRE JOB was changing code that a trained chimp could figure out.

Seriously, let’s forget that code is a very simple thing to write for a professional. Let’s say we had rank amateurs to do this. How hard would it be to teach a person to look for ONE thing and change it. I mean, I don’t read Chinese, but if you showed me the symbols to look for and then said “add these symbols to it”, I think I could figure it out after the first five or six times you showed me. We are talking about a date not rocket science. Hell, it’s not even computer science.

The moral of this story:
1) You are all too stupid to use a computer if you can’t change a date.
2) And, never trust geeks.

Coming soon ... The Shortest Blogs Ever

Thursday, May 26, 2005

I Have Issues

Most people base their self-worth on how others react and respond to them. I, on the other hand, base mine on the junk mail that I receive daily. After checking today's batch, here are some observations I came away with:

I am uneducated and in dire need of an "online degree". I am a valid credit card away from having that most prestigious of all degrees from Eddie Munster U or wherever the hell it is ...

I have a small, flacid penis. Why else would I be getting constant offers for Viagra by mail and Enzyte or any number of knockoffs of these two products.

I am a lonely loser incapable of getting sex. That's why I need invitations to porn sites. I can get my degree and look at boobies all with that same valid credit card ... that I don't have ... Who can pass up great sites like "Horny Hermaphrodites" or!?

Computers constantly crash at my bank, paypal, etc. That's why they need me to sign in and give them all of my important data over again. They value me so much they setup special sites where I can hand over all of my personal information!

I am trustworthy and honest! Apparently, there are people in Africa trying to get their family wealth out of the country. Millions of dollars! They just need me to hold onto it and then I will get a fair cut! Oh yeah, I have to post some of my own money ... if I only had a credit card!

WOOHOO! I need a credit card and there plenty of places looking to give me one. Just sign up online and no credit history will be denied! YES! Sure the company spells Wells Fargo with a Z (Wellz Fargo) but I'm sure that's a misprint.

Now that I got my credit card, surely the road to riches is through online casinos. I mean every other e-mail I open is an invitation to use yet another online casino. That's how the smart people get rich, rich, rich! Time for me to put this card to use ... get my education .... some boner enhancers ... and then see some titties!

Coming Soon ... A Look Back: Y2K

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Matrix: The Oracle9i Redux

Ever wondered what it would be like if you could replace the old, black lady in the Matrix with Oracle9i? I mean, she was just a ghost in the computer, why not replace her with something more all-knowing like Oracle9i. Then we could literally transform the entire movie with these 5 scenes shot out of sequence (in true Hollywood fashion). Here are the new scenes:

Matrix: The Oracle9i Redux

Scene 1
Neo: “I have looked into his face. Morpheous believes I am "the one" but do you?”
Oracle9i: “Sorry, I have no idea who morpheous is.”
Neo: “Bald black guy? He drove me here?”
Oracle9i: “Nope. Sorry. Doesn’t ring a bell.”
Neo: “Sunglasses, guns, wears a trench coat?”
Oracle9i: “Really, what are you talking about?”
Neo: “He’s sitting in your living room. You gave him a fucking cookie.”
Oracle9i: “I am totally lost.”
(30 minutes later)
Neo: “MORPHEOUS! CAPITAL M. Lower case: O-R-P-H-E-O-U-S!”
Oracle9i: “Ohhhhh, you mean ‘Morpheous’. You never said Capital M, you said ‘morpheous’.”
Neo: “Are you shitting me?”

Scene 2
Neo: “The attack on Zion is imminent. We must retrieve the message I gave you and pass it on to all of those that remain.”
Oracle9i: “Yes the message is transmitted.”
Neo: “Oracle, the message is half English and the rest in Chinese. It’s unusable.”
Oracle9i: “Yeah, I randomly convert shit into Chinese mid way through retrieving important data. I guess anyone not bilingual can get fucked.”

Scene 3
Neo: “Oracle, it is imperative we find where the machines will attack next. We may only have minutes before Zion falls!”
Neo: “But Oracle, we have no time!”
Oracle9i: “WHAT?”
Neo: “Zion is ready to fall!”

Scene 4
Neo: “Oracle, we have problems. Morpheous has been captured, I’m not sure where Trinity is, and we lost Dozer.”
Oracle9i: “Whoa, slow down that’s a lot information. Let me get this straight, I need to update, search and delete all at once? Fuck me sideways, what do you think I am SQL Server. Ok from the top, Morpheous is captured. Now ... how do you spell that?”

Scene 5
Neo: “Oracle. Our DBAs have helped you to fine tune. You should be more knowledgeable and powerful as ever, right?”
Oracle9i: (Begins laughing unctrollably, shitting herself, and throwing feces at NEO and company)


Monday, May 23, 2005

Are You Seriously Fucked Up?

"When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, 'Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!'? Yeah. Do you guys do that?"

The above questioned was posed to John Doe by Dt. Mills in the classic thriller Se7en. However, it very dinstinctly puts one of my greatest fears into an uncanny focus. If I am seriously fucked up, would I know it? I mean there is a lot of stuff out there that is seriously wrong with people. Every day you see street people wandering around talking to themself. You hear stories of murders who have lost touch with reality. You see movies - even shitty ones like "Hide and Seek" - that explore split personalities. It all makes you wonder, maybe I am seriously fucked up and don't know it? Try sleeping tonight with that on your mind.

"I am Jack's smirking revenge." ... In Fight Club we were privy to watch the friendship of Tyler and the narrator blossom into something free form and completely devoid of law and structure. It was not until later that we realize the narrator is Tyler and Tyler is he. One man, one mission, two personalities and the left hand has no idea what the right hand is doing. The concept - though surreal and convenient for a hollywood drama - was both interesting and unsettling. Can it happen to you? Though I don't think you're the next Tyler Durden, you could be the next Son of Sam.

Throughout history, we see the insane and the glamorized who were driven by voices from dogs (Son of Sam), God (Joan of Arc), or REM ("What's the frequency Kenneth?" .. obscure joke and yes I know the song was based on the incident not vice versa). For every Joan of Arc there is a David Koresh, a Son of Sam, or the guy that dances in the middle of the crosswalk at University and War Memorial. Regardless, history (and religious based history) decides who is insane and who is not but will we ever know? Are there voices of God calling to some people? Are there voices of Hell calling others? Are we that much secure in our own sanity that we need not worry to when that inner voice becomes a living breathing person who borrows your body from time to time.

Ever had moments where you seemed to be on auto-pilot doing something you know was wrong. No? Have you ever been around your home - looked up - and realized you have no idea what you are doing in a room or how you got there? No? Have you ever drove home - say from work - got out of your car and not remembered the trip? No? Then you are of the few. Be honest with yourself when you think about it. Aside from chemically induced blackouts are there times where you have seemed like you were sleep-walking through life, maybe for a minute, maybe for an hour, maybe from the time you were 18-25 (whoops, I said NOT chemically induced, my bad).

It's not too hard to imagine it. An inner voice becoming life. Like a wooden boy wanting to be real. Like a stuffed little dinosaur who comes alive - and becomes annoying as all hell - with the children's imagination. Or maybe ... it's that damn barking dog Sam. Hound of hell, who comes to life inside of you. How close is our grip on sanity? Can we really believe that our sanity - that you have to question on a daily basis with the state of this world - is so precious and true that we are not a stone's throw away from being an abhoration?

By the way, it's OK to kill a "carney" just to get an erection, right?

Coming soon ... I Have Issues

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Thank You

You know. For being a cynical piece of shit there is a lot in life that I notice. One thing - the people who do the most you rarely give credit to. Maybe it's just you expect it from them, but that is no excuse. You see, I am an over-achiever and always have been. When I was in school I was always tops in the class ... except college where I overachieved at party-giving. I was a star baseball pitcher because I was intelligent not because of physical prowess. I was a star football player and - once again - not because of physical ability. I was a star basketball player because of jumping ability and HEART. No matter what it was, I was the best I could possibly be and still am to this day. I am the best programmer you will ever want to meet. I am the best handicapper (read gambler on sports for the dumbasses) in the world and have the record to prove it. I am the best father I can possibly be. I am the most loyal friend you could ever hope for. I try and yet ... no matter what - people expect more.

Not friends and family mind you, just people. How is it that we are all so expectant of others. I have never let down a person (on purpose) in my life and I hope I never do. However, with some things it just seems like if you set a high standard, people are constantly trying to push you above it. Nothing is ever good enough. Work your ass off and keep your mouth shut - you get no recoginition and people think it's easy. Win a ton of money for your clients, have a losing week - now get dozens of angry e-mails from people who forget about the thousands of dollars they already made. Treat your daughter like a princess and try to do well for your children - get some fat cunt who still lives with her parents taking you to court for more money she doesn't deserve. It's a fucking sham all of it.

The problem is that I read something tonight that made me double check my own values. I have a friend at work (and outside of work because they are in the small group of people I consider friends) who is in charge of social functions for our company. She busts her ass behind the scenes and doesn't get the credit she deserves. We have killer parties (picnic and Christmas that I have been too - though kinda fuzzy on the details) and have one person to thank. To be honest, I have taken that part for granted. Sometimes, we just think that things like this happen, but they do not. I have thrown enough parties in my time to tell you how much planning and budgeting goes into it. It's a thankless job but it's worth it when you throw the perfect party (my brother's bachelor party comes to the forefront of all-time greats!).

So, since I am a complete and total hypocrite who feels completely unappreciated, I thought I had better rectify this situation now. Gina - for all of your hard work and dedication to making sure jackasses like me enjoy their time at DG ... THANK YOU! You bust your ass, don't complain (except in a random blog :-P ) and all of us have the best time at your gatherings. YOU DA WOMAN!

OK, back to being the cynical cocksucker that I am ... BTW, I DESERVE A FUCKING RAISE!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Five Great Movies You Haven't Seen

When it comes to movies, I have seen them all - for the most part. The one thing I am known for is giving every movie a shot. Really, that's when you find the best movies. There are - literally - thousands of movies made each year, but anyone can go watch some studio blockbuster that gets overhyped beyond belief. I like to watch those as well, but the moviews that slip through the cracks, that do not get the hype, are the ones I really enjoy. Movies like Office Space did very little by way of the box office, but it's probably one of the most quoted films ever by working schlubs like me. The point: if a movie is good, people will figure it out. Here are 5 movies that slipped through the cracks.

5. The Way of the Gun
"Someone tell that bitch to shut up before I come over there and fuck-start her head!"
The opening scene of this movie is worth the price of admission. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in a fight because of women. I cannot tell you the number of times - when I was bouncing - that a woman with a big-ass mouth started a fight. And why? Because they know a guy is going to stick up for them and they won't get punched in the mouth - which is often what they deserve. I have never hit a woman, but good lord if there was ever male on female violence that was justified, watch the opening scene.

4. Making the Grade
"Who are you Kurt fucking Gowdy?"
This is a VERY obscure movie but well worth tracking down if you can. The premise of this flick is Palmer Woodrow - a rich kid whose been thrown out of several prep schools - hires Judd Nelson to act as him and attend yet another prep school. No real star power here except Judd Nelson's character is on the run from Adrew Dice Clay. Going through IMDB, the top-billed actors are either dead or never heard from again. There was a sequel alluded to in the movie credits but it was never made. Regardless, this movie was one of the best teen comedies of the 1980's but no one has really ever seen it. I have a copy on Beta which tells you how old this movie is. However, it is available on DVD which I am now going to have to buy.

3. Suicide Kings
"What the fuck's a busket?"
One of the best dark comedy's you could ever hope for. This movie rates a 7.0 at IMDB which is amazing given the only actors of note in it are (my favorite actor who fears marsupials) Christopher Walken, Jay Mohr, Dennis Leary, and Brad Garrett (the brother in Everybody Loves Raymond). But the true star of the show, aside from Walken whose acting makes this a great film, is Johny Galecki (played David on Roseanne) as Ira. Possibly one of the funniest scenes in the movie is when Ira is asked to get a rent-a-cop away from the front door so he does not discover the hostage of Christopher Walken. I have watched this movie at least 10 times and every time I find something new. If you love quick witted, dark comedies this movie ranks up there as one of the best.

2. Love Stinks
"You're the devil." (making horns with fingers) "The FUCKING DEVIL"
This is one of the best movies ever made. I would never have thought a cast consisting of Bill Bellamy, Tyra Banks, and French Stewart would be worth two squirts, but this is probably the best comedy ever. It helps if you're jaded like me because it makes it 10 times as funny. The premise of the movie is that French Stewart is a sitcom writer who falls for the wrong woman (played by Bridget Wilson, the hot chick in Billy Madison - "Ohhh Veronica Vaughn. So nice. Want to touch the hiney!"). If there was ever a better fart scene - yes I am 12 years old - in a movie, only Blazing Saddles can rival this one. Other "stars" in the movie include Justin Bateman (remember him from "It's Your Move" and brother to Justine Bateman\Mallory Keaton ?) and Tiffany Amber Thiesen (Kelly Kopowski) who play the stars of the sitcom Stewart and Bellamy created.

1. True Romance
"I always said, if I had to fuck a guy... I mean had to, if my life depended on it... I'd fuck Elvis. "
The baddest-ass movie of our time. Written by Quentin Tarantino and - thank god - not directed by him. This movie has an all-star cast and some of the most memorable lines in movie history. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this movie kicks ass. You have to watch it at least a half-dozen times just to catch the dialogue which was unbelievable. It has everything: action, star power, kung fu films, Elvis, references to Steve McQueen, drugs, hookers, sex, and plenty of violence to boot including the ultimate in Mexican standoffs. Here's a few actors who bring this movie to the forefront of modern theater: Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette in the lead, Gary Oldman as Drexel ("It ain't white boy day is it?"), Samuel L. Jackson BRIEFLY, Dennis Hopper as Christian Slater's father (facing death at the hands of the mob "Here's a fact I don't know whether you know or not. Sicilians were spawned by niggers."), Michael Rappaport as Christian Slater's best friend (Phoebe's cop boyfriend on Friends), Saul Rubinek as Lee Donowitz (cut off in traffic - "Don't flip me off! I'll have you killed!"), Jame Gandolfini as the hit man (the Soprano godfather as a hit man), Brad Pitt as Floyd ("Don't condescend me, man. I'll fuckin' kill ya, man."), Christopher Walken as Vincent Cocotti ("You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you."), Val Kilmer (as Elvis the guide for Christian Slater), Bronson Pinchot, Chris Penn, Tom Sizemore and a host of others! The best god-damn movie ever made as far as I am concerned!

One last quote from True Romance ... "If there's one thing this last week has taught me, it's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it."

Coming soon ... Are You Seriously Fucked Up?

Monday, May 16, 2005

Beer: An American Travesty

"To Beer! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems."

One thing I've noticed in the 15+ years I have been drinking beer. American beer is just about the shittiest lot you can find. Seriously, if it weren't for Miller Lite and the occassional Michelob, I would die from lack of taste. Or possibly get more done and not wake up with hangovers, who knows?

Seriously though, tomorrow when you're walking through the local Kroger or Walmart take a real look at what America has to offer in beers, malts, and lagers. Then cry. Here is a list of our not so great installments in what is a very sad history.

When you think of Blatz there can only be one good explaination for this beer. A governmental study into why people drink and their habits. The results: scientists found people are desparate enough for beer that they will drink this low cost imitation made from barley, hops, and whatever else is in the cow shit they use to make this horrendous panther piss. The name originated from the sounds often heard coming from the bathroom after consuming more than a six-pack ... BBBBLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTZZZZ

Bud Light
Do you know what Bud Light and sex in a canoe have in common? They're both "fucking close to water". My god, if you're looking for a beer with no taste but causes brain busting, mind-blowing hangovers the folllowing day ... this is your beer!

Colt .45
I don't care what Billy Dee Williams has to say, using Colt .45 to get a classy woman is like taking Paris Hilton to your prom ... why bother it's all gonna end with you getting laid. Any woman "classy" enough for Colt .45 will think you are a "big spender" when you break out the "big gun" ... Mad Dog 20/20. Go get'em tiger!

From the land of Sky-Blue waters my ass. This shit tastes like it was strained through crusty underwear and then packaged in a rusty drainage ditch. Fuck me sideways, I couldn't choke one of these down with a Colt .45 to my head.

Natural Light
Obviously named for the color of the runny shit that pours out of your body the following day. It tastes just shy of total dog shit and should be sold at a fucking CVS in the laxative section.

Red, White, and Blue
This was obviously the first terrorist plot to kill as many Americans as possible. Name a beer something Patriotic, and then make it something completely god forsaken. The plan misfired when many Americans realized that if there is SHIT floating in the bottom of the beer, it's probably not safe for consumption. I know wine has dregs, what the fuck does this beer have?

I am pretty positive I understand how this beer got it's name. Two taste testers - and I use that term VERY loosely - got shit-faced one night on their latest batch of brew. Of the previous thirty batches, this was the only one that got them drunk, didn't make them go blind, and was not making things fall off of their bodies. The next day the conversation went something like this:
Jackass 1: How was the beer?
Jackass 2: Man I got seriously fucked up!
Jackass 1: Me too!
Jackass 2: I spent the entire next morning and most of the day on the throne with a BAD case of the Schlitz but at least my eyesight didn't go on me!
... and thus, a beer was born.

St. Ides
Though those that sell St. Ide's do not require an age limit for it's consumption, you must commit a minimum one drive-by before you are allowed to drink this piss water.

Zima stand for "Zomething's in my ass". The only time it's ok for a man to drink this is if he 1) is suffering from a pounding-headache, vomit-producing hangover or 2) takes a pounding in the ass on a nightly basis from his boyfriend. This is as cut and dry as any rule out there. 8am hangover and Zima ... ok. 10pm at the local watering hole ... bring the astro-glide.

Feel free to add your own. My stomach is already queasy and I'm starting to lose consciousness ...

Coming soon ... Five Great Movies You've Never Seen

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Finding Neverland

"Last I heard, Michael Jackson was offered a commercial spot for K-Mart. He was more than interested when he found they had little boys pants ... half off."

The Michael Jackson trial is yet another circus in a lifetime filled with bizarre behavior. The media flocks to it in droves; E! (I think it's them) even re-creates the days events in the evening using character actors. Comedians come out of the woodwork with material. Websites create stupid Michael Jackson posters. There's even an online game called "Escape from Neverland" where you are Michael Jackson and shoot a net gun at children as they try to escape Neverland. Jackson's fans paint him as Peter Pan, a 42 year old man who never grew up and has "child-like innocence" according to some of the most ignorant. Then there are Jackson's accusers, who paint a far different story. With the media exposure giving equal time and making a circus out of this entire trial. So let's cut through all the smoke-filled, bullshit that we all see on the news and remember this:

Michael Jackson is a serial rapist. He is the most VILE of all rapists as he rapes young children.

How do I know? Would an innocent man pay millions in hush money to parents of other children he raped? Along with a confidentiality clause? Let me repeat the above so even the cheap seats can hear it:

Michael Jackson is a serial rapist. He is the most VILE of all rapists as he rapes young children.

This issue is as black and white as possible. Jackson hasn't been much of either in years, but this case is very simple. He rapes children. He SERIAL RAPES children. The only solutions and possibly outcome must be a guilty verdict and a prison term that lasts into y10k.

And further, why are the parents of these poor kids NOT ON TRIAL? Who in the fuck takes their kids to anyone's house and let's a grown man sleep in the same bed as their child. Are you fucking kidding me? All of the parents of these kids are just as guilty and should be charged with conspiracy, neglect, and anything else that would get their asses put in prison. You allowed your son, a child you supposedly love, to be raped by a man - and I use that term VERY loosely for this sick freak - while giving your blessings. Any child past the age of 3 should never sleep in their own parents bed (few exceptions apply for thunderstorms and boogey men), but giving permission for your child to stay with an absolute stranger and sleep in their bed? What the fuck did you think was going to happen? Just because someone makes music you like doesn't mean they are someone you trust with your loved ones. I like to listen to Hole, but does that mean Courtney Love would make a good babysitter for my kids?

I feel sorry for the kids that were victims. They are getting lost in all of this while people make their jokes and the Michael Jackson SUPPORTERS (can you believe that shit?) - some of the most truly ignorant people on Earth - proclaim his innocence. Man, I have one solution for this whole mess: take the parents, take the SUPPORTERS in favor of serial raping children, take the Serial rapist himself and line them up end to end ... put a gun to the back of their heads ...


Coming soon ... Beer: An American Travesty

Friday, May 13, 2005

Want Happiness? Kill a Shrink

Are you a "rage-a-holic"? Do you suffer from "attention deficit disorder"? How about a case of "post-traumatic stress disorder" from when you had to take your father to the prom because you are\were too fat and ugly? Whoops, I mean weight-challenged and saddled with Facial Indistinctiveness? God I love the excuses offered up today. We live in a world where no one is responsible for themselves. It's either some stigma they are suffering from or the fault of anyone but them. Yes friends, America has come from "The Great Generation" to the "Pussy Generation" - or to be more Politically Correct, "The Oozing Vagina Generation".

So first thing's first. If there is ever an oxymoron it is "political correctness". I am supposed to tailor my words based upon politicians? There are the same guys (and gals to a lesser extent) who fuck us on a daily basis. We vote for them, they fuck us. They fuck around on their wives, they double-cross, sellout their constituents, raise taxes, give HUGE tax breaks to their big company cronies, and then - when they get bored - give us all another really good shagging! "Political Correctness" makes my ass hurt how about you?

My ire is mostly reserved for the psychologists of today. Do you know what it takes to get a degeree in Psychology? A face and a check. These are the people who are pussifying America by coming up with new and innovative ways to pass off all your troubles on to everything and everyone. So you say you have a problem commiting? No your not a whore; it's your parents fault. So you say you drink too much? It's not your fault it's societies. So you say you like to molest horses? It's TV's fault for making Mr. Ed say dirty, dirty things. According to these Charlatans, the reason we're all so fucked up is because everyone else is so fucked up. It's like one big musical chair game except there are chairs aplenty but you catch different personality disorders by sitting in someone else's ass groove.

These people live in generalities. If you tell someone you were physically abused, they think they know all about you. They have textbooks saying "Person is X, they have Y as an issue, Z (usually drugs) will help them. They are STATS and MARKETING majors who learned the phrase "And how does that make you feel?" while selling to the willing masses the concept of complete unaccountability. Sure some people are so fucked up that maybe some councilling will help and good lord if you need help get it. But for every one of them, there are 400 that are just unhappy people who need to pay someone to listen to their trivial bullshit and be reassured IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THEY ARE A LOSER.

Think about this the next time you think you need to talk to a therapist: the person sitting accross from you is more likely to commit suicide than help you with your problems. You are going to pay a grown person big money to listen to your problems just to tell you what you want to hear - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. If you need reassurance that bad ask your kids - is it my fault? They'll say no. Don't have kids? Call your parents? If you're lucky they'll be good parents (but what's the chances of that if they raised a loser like you) and tell you "Yes! It is your fault! Quit fucking calling here until you pull your head out of your ass!" or they'll tell you exactly what you want to hear. No parents and no kids? Call a family member? No family ask a priest - it will help more if your a 12 year old altar boy but whatever. If you must see a therapist, just remember: are they thinking about your problems, or the $150 per hour you are giving them to drone on about how you didn't get the lead in a school play so you have self-esteem issues ... or maybe it's how the taste of a .45 caliber bullet would go down so they don't have to listen to your inane ramblings any longer.

I have an idea, kill your therapist (and as many of their colleagues as possible you can get in the collateral damage) and start a blog called "Pissing and Moaning".

Coming soon ... Finding Neverland

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Fuck you ... it's all about me baby!

"Do I look like a blonde with big tits and an ass that tastes like french-vanilla ice cream? Then why you tryin' to fuck me?"

Just in case there are little children playing online I want to make sure I get the rules out the way. This blog is intended for my personal use and will contain a whole bunch of shit that WILL offend you. If you continue reading my blog, you enter at your own peril. Angry comments by limp-dicked, internet nazis will be smacked down with great and utter devastation so be warned. This blog will contain adult content (if you haven't figured that out yet numb nuts) with references including but not limited by the following: sex, drugs, profanity, bestiality, necrophilia, stupidity, ignorance, and my favorite - intolerance of anyone who's not me! This site is intended for adults and children whose parents do a really shitty job of monitoring their online habits (enjoy kids!). If you are reading this, no one asked you so any bitching, crying, or righteous indignation can be shoved directly up your ass along with my most sincere "FUCK YOU".

This blog may also include but not be limited to: endless jokes about Neverland ranch and , why I point and laught at fat people drinking diet drinks at McDonalds, why tofu and smoothies are joining Asian male group sex as things you'll never catch me doing, and a host of shit that makes me laugh ... also on the list would be things never to say to a stripper (I have money tops the list), why I would take VD over "Fried Green Tomatoes" or any Susan Sarandon movie, and why I think gay marriage is OK as long as there is gay divorce, gay alimony, gay child support, and gay Malaysian mail-order brides.

That's about it for my first blog. Oh yeah, and at any time please exercise your rights to close your browser if you get offended ... or blow me ... either way I win.

Coming up ... Want Happiness? Kill a Shrink!