Friday, May 26, 2006

Welcome to Morton, IL: Land of Fucktards

Brain-dead, ass-backward, and proud of it? You must live in Morton!

I moved to this fucktard town because my soon to be ex-wife grew up here. Little did I know that two weeks after moving here she'd meet the love of her life, move back to Washington where I wanted to live to begin with, and eventually divorce me (June 5th). So now, I get to live 8 blocks from her parents - please pause while Ode to Joy finishes playing in the background - in a town filled with dumbasses, pricks, douchebags, and a seemingly infinite supply of fucktards. It's like living in an entire town that spends it's day going about half-assed singing "Ding fries are done".

I guess the first clue that tipped me off was having the police called on me within 36 hours of moving into my house. No that's not a fucking typo - 36 FUCKING HOURS or - if your from Morton and reading this - a day and a half - or 6 shifts at McDonald's. It seems the woman behind our house has nothing better to do than stare out her window into my backyard. She felt our dog had been out too long and called the police. First, if you have nothing better than sitting in your living room watching your neighbors, save yourself and others the time and aggravation and take bath with your toaster. Of course, if you're from Morton, REMEMBER to plug in the toaster ... DING! Toast is Done! Second, if you live with cats and dogs and are a "bird watcher" ... you have no fucking life to leave. Ding! Toaster's Ready! Third, it's a FUCKING DOG. Amazingly enough people, dogs, cats, birds, and every other ANIMAL on God's green Earth are OUT DOOR FUCKING ANIMALS otherwise they wouldn't be called ANIMALS. Woooo-Woooo! Here comes the clue train.

To be fair, that's not the first thing I noticed. Actually, the first thing I noticed was everyone in town does 10mph under the speed limit - everywhere. In fact, I am willing to bet 90% of drivers on I-74, in the left lane, doing 60mph are from Morton. Of course, they can't pick a fucking lane anyhow. Half the dumbasses drive down the fucking middle of the road anywhere it's two lane. Don't bother using a turn signal either douchebag, Nostradamus already foresaw you were going to take an immediate left after cutting me off in heavy traffic so no need to warn me with anything as trivial as your turn signal.

Of course, I only have to deal with traffic and the dumbass drivers when I need to go to the store. Yet, despite the fact there is a Krogers and a Walmart, I have to go to Pekin for alcohol. You see, only liquor stores can seel alcohol in Morton and I don't feel like taking out a loan to buy a fucking 18-pack of Miller Lite bottles. Therefore, I wait until Kroger runs a sale on beer (or Super Liquors runs a sale on Bacardi) and I stock up. Of course, driving to Pekin and Washington (and Peoria) for alcohol may seem frugal until you figure out every 6-pack, 12-pack, case, fifth in the town is marked up at least $1 to $3 more than any other place you could buy it. Then again, in the land of fucktards, alcohol should be expensive. I mean, these people are dumb enough, do they really need to add alcohol to the mix?

But for not selling alcohol, Kroger can get very busy. People buying white helmets and peanut butter all day long. So of course, you have 12 fucking checkout lanes and only one is open. Of course, it’s always some slack-jawed, hillbilly girl whose only working there so her parents don’t turn her out to pay for their future double-wide. It takes her 2 hours to ring you through and then another hour to bag it. Suddenly a trip to the store for diapers and a pizza turns into a fucking Disneyland excursion minus a pair of mouse ears.

Of course, I could go to the self-checkout lanes but those are filled 20-deep with fucktards who probably shouldn’t operate a locked door much less something so sophisticated as a scanner. Beep! Shoping Done! Beep! Shopping Done! So it’s either wait in the 10-deep line for Betty Sue or wait while people try to discern where on their package of ho-ho’s the fucking bar code is. Then – of course – they have to pay for their goods which is always entertaining.

Just a quick recap of things not to do in the self-checkout line for you fucktards who can read but still don’t know how to shop:
- You do not pay the girl sitting at the counter looking at you like you’re a crack head.
- The beep means your item scanned, there is no need to scan it a second time and waste my life while the bored, hillbilly girl at the counter has to call the office, who has to show up with some magic key 30 minutes later, who then has to remove the extra scanned item from your order … so you can do the same thing with your next fucking item.
- Swiping a Kroger card over the machine should take no more than 3 seconds. I watched some dumb bitch actually ask for help because her card would not work … of course, she was swiping a CVS card, but those things are bound to happen … in Morton.

OK, I have to quit writing otherwise Fox News is going to need to raise the threat level. Mohammed, Achmed, if you’re out there … FUCK ALLAH you bitches, come and get me … I live in Morton. Just randomly fuck the place up I am sure you’ll eventually get to me. Mohammed is my bitch! (That oughta do it)

Monday, May 15, 2006

Random Musings 10: Spit-take Theater Edition

The greatest review of Brokeback Mountain came this weekend when Nick D told me: "I went to it for the art of the picture ... but when (Heath Ledger) turns Jake Gyllenhal over and then spits on his hand for lube - I knew I had wasted 2 hours of my life."

While playing Texas Hold'em this weekend, Jessica (Oreo) sadly learned that there is no "race card."

When your girlfriend says "You really need to be in my mouth right now" you tend to give her complete and total attention.

South Dakota has passed a ban on abortions. In other news, South Dakota health workers are concerned with the dramatic rise of pregnant women falling down steps at a rate of 30,000% higher than just 6 months ago.

I think it's safe to say that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter will never have to worry about being shot in the face ... unless she goes hunting with her dad that is.

It's only May 15th and already the Cubs are 8.5 games back from division leading St. Louis ... I guess we'll be hearing "Wait 'til next year" just about any time.

My new king sized bed has been officially "broken in" ... next up: the lazy boy, the dining room, kitchen, front room, oversized chair, my bar ... note to self, bring lube to avoid spitting on your hand ... also your girlfriend might be helpful as well.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Karma gives me a handjob

Jesus, I don't know about you guys, but I have been so sick of all the shit I've been dealing with lately. From divorce to ex-girlfriends to re-connecting to the old club scene to finding a good girl in a sea of fucking divas and self-centered twats ... it's been a fucking whirlwind.

Karma is my friend. Don't do wrong to others and it should come back to you tenfold. OK, so there are several years that I was Karma's butt-monkey for not obeying that simple rule. I have been kicked, beaten, and left for dead, but I am still here as strong as ever ... AND the first one of you nutsacks to start humming "I Will Survive" I am going to donkey punch you in the base of the fucking skull. You've been warned.

With that said, life has been great lately. I had a cookout on Saturday and re-connected with some friends I lost touch with and got to see friends I only see on occassion. But god damn did I have fun. Actually, I had a great 4 days thanks to karma who brought me G-G.

Nope, I am not going to start writing poetry and painting happy clown faces, it's just that after a long time of not feeling right, of being down, and of constant self evaluation, it's amazing how you find someone so like you it's scary. For those that made the cookout, you can see the change - a couple of you even did the whole "ahhhhhhhhh" thing. I just want you all to know that's been the last 4 days and the last several weeks. I know about honeymoon periods, but I've never met anyone who could carry on an interesting conversation about nothing and everything all at once. I get bored on the phone after 2 minutes; some nights, it's hours before I even hang up.

Just wanting to say a special shout out to karma and a big fuck off to G3 who's being a bitch about the whole thing. For those few that get that one, he can eat a great big bag of my nuts. I've tried being the bigger person but fuck it; I have no room for grade school shit in a man's world. G-G is awesome ... great mother, terrific friend, and amazing lover. I just hope karma doesn't start remembering that shit I pulled when I was like in 7th grade and decide I'm long overdue.

Here's to hoping I guess. Karma's giving me a handjob right now ... I just hope this is a precursor to good things instead of finding myself on the other end of a beat-down, ass-raping.

Upcoming events: Cards-Cubs game at Busch (who needs tix? I should have quite a few for June 3rd I think), Golf outing with Nick\Ed\Lenny, and hopefully a weekend away with G-G.

NOTE: For those that don't know, G-G (pronounced like it looks "gee-gee") stands for "Gorgeous Girl". Man, I am SO karma's little bitch right now.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Kevorkian Had it Right Just a Little Misguided

There are some people on this Earth who prove that God has a soft spot for the mentally defective. If you fit the description, please – for the love of God and prosperities sake – kill yourself. If killing yourself is not an option, call me and I will Kevorkian your dumb ass. Anyway, here is a list of my favorites that seem to be the most common cause of the tumor I will eventually have.

"Hi, I'm Left-Lane Jane. You would know that because I drive a red car and have personailized license plates. Why are you tailgating me? I am doing 45 and the speed limit is 55 so I am well under it so quit being so unsafe. Hold on a sec, I am getting another call on my cell phone. (Hi, this is Jane)"
Jane is the reason why I fully support a Long Island Shelter for Women Who Just Don't Know How to Fucking Drive.

"Hi, I am Don't Pass Me Guy. You see, I am doing the speed limit when in the left lane, but the minute I get over I speed up so you cannot pass me."
I don't know if it's some kind of machismo or just a futile attempt at not admitting you're a loser. Either way, if you find yourself doing this do us all a favor: find the nearest bridge embankment and pass it on the right.

"Hi, I am Cannot Control Volume or Pitch of my Voice Douche Bag."
If you've ever flown on a plane or been in a crowded restaurant, you can always find this guy. He's the one who doesn't shut up while talking giving you ever little detail about his life but mainly his possessions. "SO I was washing MY BOAT the other day outside MY HALF-MILLION DOLLAR HOME BY WEAVER RIDGE ..." That's great pal, and some day when you learn social etiquette, lose a couple hundred pounds, and that enzyte kicks in, you will be one hell of a great catch!

"Hi, we are Mr. and Mrs. Clueless proud Parents of Kid Uncontrollable. We are too stupid and inept to discipline our child, luckily we take him to crowded restraunts where there are plenty of babysitters."
The poster parents for birth control ... The poster child for abortion ... All in one neat little package and sitting at the table next to you. Some sure signs to look for is when their child is throwing a screaming tantrum while they talk over him or when they let the little bastard run up and down the fucking aisles interrupting other people's dinner and crashing into hard working waitresses. People like that should not breed much less eat in public. A CROWDED RESTAURANT IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOUR INANE FUCKING CHILDREN TO PLAY YOU DUMB FUCKS.

"Hi, I'm Super Soccer Mom. I drive down the road in an SUV full of kids while I talk on my cell phone, do my hair, and even eat a bagel or yogurt."
Yes, Super fucking retarded mom that is. I know you've seen this twat. This is the dumbass bitch who thinks the turn signal on her SUV actually clears the lane she quickly whips into. Safety concerns for her? Pish-posh, her SUV will keep her safe while she creates a fucking vortex of imminent death for any of the cars around her. Avoid this bitch at all costs.

"Hi, I the No-Speaka-English Waiter. You no order. I just bring whatever."
I don't care if you're in this country legally or illegally if you are honest and work hard. My problem is these jackasses who do not bother and do not care to learn the language. I remember when I was unemployed and I would have to call every two weeks and do a phone survey. The message was "You have reached the State of Illinois's Unemployment line. To continue this message in Spanish press 1, to continue in English press 2." What the fuck? If you cannot speak English, there is no way in hell you should be drawing unemployment. PERIOD.

"Hi, I'm dinner for 30 mom. Despite I sit on my ass all day, I find the best time to get dinner for my kids is at rush hour."
This woman is easily recognizable as she speeds into the drive through cutting off anyone she can then proceeds to order 10 of everything on the menu. I just came into fucking Taco Bell to grab a 1/2 pound burrtio and a coke and now I have this dumb cunt ordering half the gross national product of Guatemala? Of course, she damn near caused a fucking collision and ran over the back end of some kids shoe while trying to get to the front of the drive-thru line, but that matters very little. People like these make you truly hope and believe in that story of a guy shitting in the refried beans. Bon-apetite you fat bitch!

These are just a few people I've found who would make the world a better place by leaving it. The sooner and grotesqely tragic the better. And people wonder what makes a serial killer? If I could track down these people and all of their incarnations, I would make Gacy, Bundy, Manson, and the lot look like pure bitches. Sleep well you fuck rags, karma is waiting for you.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry ...

And it's gonna be a longer while still. For those of you worried about me since my last post, I appreciate the support and concern. For those who don't support me ... fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Ever since I accepted Kevin as my lord and savior, I have seen a new light ... no seriously, just an update to life this time around. I am still sticking by my goal of not getting into any of the divorce; however, I will update on where I am at in life.

First, I figured out why I don't need to be single. My god, I can get ass - and not just ass, I mean premium ass - in the middle of a fucking convent. It's good to know that I still have game. And by the way, my new hook for a rap song: "Back off bitch, ya know ya can't hang, ya can't be a playa if you don't know the game." ... I hate rap, but that little hook came to me after one wild fucking night.

Second, as much fun playing was, I am off the market. For those that met her, she's as gorgeous outside as she is inside. I know, say it ain't so, but if I am going to do it right I have to be monogamous. I wish some people I have dated felt that way, but I guess I said I wouldn't get into that. So with that, I am off the market. The "closed" sign is in the door, but - ladies - feel free to window shop.

Third, my newest and oldest best friend is 3.5 years old and is with me full time save for 2 weekends a month. He's outgoing, intelligent, single, and make any woman pick HIM up with a bat of the eye ... of course, he's my son. Who else could have that kinda charm at 3.5???

Fourth, my ego has grown way beyond control. Sometimes, my inner voice is too intimidated to talk to me. NASA actually called and it is now possible they may use it as a launching station for deep space exploration.

Finally, I found my sense of humor again. It took awhile but I am back. Expect more posts from here on out, and - of course - even more ways of being offended.

Now piss off ...