Friday, May 12, 2006

Kevorkian Had it Right Just a Little Misguided

There are some people on this Earth who prove that God has a soft spot for the mentally defective. If you fit the description, please – for the love of God and prosperities sake – kill yourself. If killing yourself is not an option, call me and I will Kevorkian your dumb ass. Anyway, here is a list of my favorites that seem to be the most common cause of the tumor I will eventually have.

"Hi, I'm Left-Lane Jane. You would know that because I drive a red car and have personailized license plates. Why are you tailgating me? I am doing 45 and the speed limit is 55 so I am well under it so quit being so unsafe. Hold on a sec, I am getting another call on my cell phone. (Hi, this is Jane)"
Jane is the reason why I fully support a Long Island Shelter for Women Who Just Don't Know How to Fucking Drive.

"Hi, I am Don't Pass Me Guy. You see, I am doing the speed limit when in the left lane, but the minute I get over I speed up so you cannot pass me."
I don't know if it's some kind of machismo or just a futile attempt at not admitting you're a loser. Either way, if you find yourself doing this do us all a favor: find the nearest bridge embankment and pass it on the right.

"Hi, I am Cannot Control Volume or Pitch of my Voice Douche Bag."
If you've ever flown on a plane or been in a crowded restaurant, you can always find this guy. He's the one who doesn't shut up while talking giving you ever little detail about his life but mainly his possessions. "SO I was washing MY BOAT the other day outside MY HALF-MILLION DOLLAR HOME BY WEAVER RIDGE ..." That's great pal, and some day when you learn social etiquette, lose a couple hundred pounds, and that enzyte kicks in, you will be one hell of a great catch!

"Hi, we are Mr. and Mrs. Clueless proud Parents of Kid Uncontrollable. We are too stupid and inept to discipline our child, luckily we take him to crowded restraunts where there are plenty of babysitters."
The poster parents for birth control ... The poster child for abortion ... All in one neat little package and sitting at the table next to you. Some sure signs to look for is when their child is throwing a screaming tantrum while they talk over him or when they let the little bastard run up and down the fucking aisles interrupting other people's dinner and crashing into hard working waitresses. People like that should not breed much less eat in public. A CROWDED RESTAURANT IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOUR INANE FUCKING CHILDREN TO PLAY YOU DUMB FUCKS.

"Hi, I'm Super Soccer Mom. I drive down the road in an SUV full of kids while I talk on my cell phone, do my hair, and even eat a bagel or yogurt."
Yes, Super fucking retarded mom that is. I know you've seen this twat. This is the dumbass bitch who thinks the turn signal on her SUV actually clears the lane she quickly whips into. Safety concerns for her? Pish-posh, her SUV will keep her safe while she creates a fucking vortex of imminent death for any of the cars around her. Avoid this bitch at all costs.

"Hi, I the No-Speaka-English Waiter. You no order. I just bring whatever."
I don't care if you're in this country legally or illegally if you are honest and work hard. My problem is these jackasses who do not bother and do not care to learn the language. I remember when I was unemployed and I would have to call every two weeks and do a phone survey. The message was "You have reached the State of Illinois's Unemployment line. To continue this message in Spanish press 1, to continue in English press 2." What the fuck? If you cannot speak English, there is no way in hell you should be drawing unemployment. PERIOD.

"Hi, I'm dinner for 30 mom. Despite I sit on my ass all day, I find the best time to get dinner for my kids is at rush hour."
This woman is easily recognizable as she speeds into the drive through cutting off anyone she can then proceeds to order 10 of everything on the menu. I just came into fucking Taco Bell to grab a 1/2 pound burrtio and a coke and now I have this dumb cunt ordering half the gross national product of Guatemala? Of course, she damn near caused a fucking collision and ran over the back end of some kids shoe while trying to get to the front of the drive-thru line, but that matters very little. People like these make you truly hope and believe in that story of a guy shitting in the refried beans. Bon-apetite you fat bitch!

These are just a few people I've found who would make the world a better place by leaving it. The sooner and grotesqely tragic the better. And people wonder what makes a serial killer? If I could track down these people and all of their incarnations, I would make Gacy, Bundy, Manson, and the lot look like pure bitches. Sleep well you fuck rags, karma is waiting for you.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Men brotha!

2:11 PM  
Blogger kevin said...

You forgot a couple. What about Ms. Although I've come to this same fast food place daily since it opened during the Carter Administration I still need twenty minutes to decide on my order or then there's Ms. I'm gonna get in the self-checkout line at the grocery store and then dash everyone's hopes of a speedy checkout by whipping out my checkbook.

Have they no shame?

2:04 AM  

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