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Finally, the world's first horoscope that makes sense ...

Aries
Women: Nothing says "I love you" like a douche and a brazilian job.
Men: Today is a good day to find a secluded spot in the country and meditate ... or dispose of a dead hooker's body.

Taurus
Women: Quit fucking every guy you meet and just start charging already.
Men: Someone has shit all over your aura, randomly punch people in the face to make it clean.

Gemini
Women: Stay in touch with your immediate family. Call your parents and ask why they couldn't use birth control.
Men: Eat more corn; it helps keep you regular and makes for a great looking turd.

Cancer
Women: Make an appointment to have your breasts augmented. Send the after pictures to boobies@gooutcheap.com.
Men: Cut off your arm. Done? Dumbass, I meant the other one.

Leo
Women: A man will ask for your phone number. Give him the phone number of that one girl you know with the VD.
Men: Choose your investments wisely. Call a bookie and put a nickel on Duke to win the big dance.

Virgo
Women: Take the cell phone out of your ear and stick it up your ass for better reception.
Men: Places to avoid today: Iraq, Afghanistan, and anywhere whose title includes the words "hydrocolonic".

Libra
Women: Call Ms. Cleo for stock advice. Visit your hairdresser for psychological counseling.
Men: Learn how to eat nails and shit gunpowder.

Scorpio
Women: When shopping, constantly remind the counter girl how much better your ass looks than hers.
Men: Butt Darts is not the next World Series of Poker.

Sagittarius
Women: Express your wild side ... Try doing your cooking and cleaning in the nude!
Men: Make a list of all the things keeping you from your dreams. Put it on a wheel and spin the wheel every day reminding yourself it's not your fault you're a fucking loser it's because ... (spinning the wheel)

Capricorn
Women: When sending an e-mail, for every emoticon you use, you will die a thousand deaths.
Men: Today a woman will ask for your phone number ... just kidding, enjoy downloading hentai in your parent's basement.

Aquarius
Women: Super-size all of your meals today because is it really going to make a difference fatty?
Men: Shave the pubes and work on your "man"gina.

Pisces
Women: Treat your man's pearl necklace dispenser like it's mardi gras and he has the last beads on Earth.
Men: Today is a good day to "find yourself". And once you found yourself, kick yourself in the nuts for reading horoscopes.