Friday, February 17, 2006

Why Gay Rights Activists feel the need to Pound Brokeback Mountain up our collective asses?

In all fairness, I have not and will not see Brokeback Mountain. It's not because of homophobia, heterophobia, or even Gyllenhallaphobia (wathcing another shitty movie with Jake Gyllenhal). I hate love stories; I don't care if it's about gay cowboys, straight Eastern Bloc European women, or some dumbass movie about a notebook and two old geezers (screw you Gina).

Why is it that any critic who does not proclaim this as the greatest story ever about gay cowboys need to fear reprisal from the Gay and Lesbian coalitions as being labeled a "homophobe". Gay rights advocates are trying to thrust "gay" love stories into the forefront of accepted culture much like the re-birth of the lesbian movement in recent years. The problem, however, exists in the idea behind "gay" sex and "gay" relationships. The culture as a whole seems perfectly at peace (or at least tolerant) of gay men and their relationships.

Main stream media and pop culture is filled with gay men from Barney Frank to Elton John. When Ryan Seacrest finally comes out of the closet, he will be recognized as one of the most famous and popular gay men for teenagers and adolescence. Gay Pride parades happen in major cities around the country with nary a batted eye. Will and Grace has been on so long you would think it were about gay doctors during the Korean War. Congress passes bills protecting gay rights; states pass laws allowing gay marriage; and yet it's not enough. Everyone must embrace "Brokeback Mountain" as the greatest love story of all times just because it shows two gay men (hardly a new topic), really shitty dialog (if there is any), and a taboo of making them cowboys (which was stolen straight out of South Park). Whoopty shit.

With all that said, there will never be an acceptance of people rushing out to watch or buy "gay love" videos. Here come the stats to prove it:

99.99999% of men love to watch hot lesbians in action
99.99999% of women love to get oral sex
99.99999% of men never want to see male on male action no matter how "hot" the guys are
99.99999% of women who will not have anal sex unless alcohol and roofies are involved
In a population of (roughly) 300,000,000 people, that leaves the people who want to actually watch Brokeback Mountain at around: 60.

Girls Gone Wild, a huge hit with guys (and some women) of all ages.
Guys Gone Wild - not so much. Also, this was based on a schtick on NYPD Blue years ago. One informant asked for help in getting his video cameras returned from Miami. He told the detectives, "You ever hear of Girls Gone Wild? Well, our idea was to go down to the beach and tape guys flashing the camera. We were going to call it 'Guys Gone Nuts'."

Wild Things - a huge spring board for Denise Richards.
Death Trap - no one could look at "Super Man" the same again.

So in a world where movies like "Brokeback Mountain" are met with not only critical acclaim, but mainstream acceptance and no one burning down theaters, how much farther do we have to go before we can be honest about calling a movie an overhyped turd even if it's an overhyped, gay turd?


Blogger G13 said...

You actually watched the movie? That is shocking it you did. Listen...I don't care to watch gay guys all the time. I love my friends who are gay but I know a lot who are fucking nuts! But I don't need to see two men messing around. I don't need to see two women messing around. Who cares. The notebook was still a great screw you Reed!

11:55 AM  

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