Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Keep America Beautiful: Tell a fat person to cover up!

OK, so I am at some stupid-ass, Panera-ripoff the other day called Camille’s. Anyway, in walks a bunch of 15 year old girls all dressed like the whore Britney Spears. Now, fifteen year old girls – first and foremost – do not need to dress like whores when they walk out the door. I have one daughter and she’s not leaving the house until she’s 18 and that’s only going to be to register for College courses at an all-woman University, but I’ll be damned if I am going to give her a green light on looking like a total slut. That’s not the problem however. The problem is the two girls in the back of the group - who were at least 30 pounds overweight - were wearing the same size clothes as my daughter wears. These were little girls – even though their parents are fucking retards – so I gave them a pass, but here is the problem: who told fat women that they should dress like Britney Spears, Christina Aguillera or any other skinny bitch who’s about 10+ sizes smaller than they are?

In my house, I own at least 5 mirrors because I live with women. My wife is 5”0 and 100 lbs, skinny and hot looking. Sure, everyone says their wife is hot, but mine would blow away your wife so don’t bother. That’s not me being flattering – she hates this article – that’s me being realistic. My wife is 24 years old, a former Hooter’s girl, and has a body that Britney and Christina would vomit for. Anyway, that’s beside the point. You see, my wife wears tight clothes because SHE CAN. She will not induce vomiting by showing off her body. Why is that women, with at least ONE mirror in their home, cannot see the difference? If you wear a size 6 or bigger, you do not need to wear tight clothes. If your clothes size are in DOUBLE-fucking-DIGITS, you need to wear a size BIGGER to cover your fat ass. When it comes to jeans, if I can read your lips without you uttering a syllable, your fucking pants are too tight! If you have a single fat roll on your body please allow me to keep my lunch firmly in my stomach and NOT wear a halter top. Halter tops are a privilege not a right.

Why is that women with more rolls than Pillsbury feel the need to show off their cellulite-ridden stomachs. And on top of that – what’s even funnier – they get a belly-button ring. Listen up sweetheart, your belly button looks like a second vagina thanks to all the fat rolls, drawing attention to it with a halter top and a piercing is just a really bad idea.

I think there should be decency police and I am volunteering for the job. Let’s start to keep America beautiful by telling fat people that they need to put some clothes on. Hey, I am the last guy in the world to have a problem with fat people. Some people are fat because of glands and some people just don’t take care of themselves … I have no problem with that UNTIL you feel the need to show off your flabby ass to the world.

My ire is not just reserved for women, I see guys in the gym wearing sleeveless shirts and short shorts. What the fuck is that about? If you want to look GAY at least have the decency to get in shape. I’m neither an advocate or proponent of gay rights, but I will say at least that’s one demographic that keeps itself in shape! Oh and one more thing guys … unless you’re an Olympic swimmer or diver, save the speedo for UNDER the clothing.

The same goes to women about thongs. Thongs should not be made in plus sizes. I was behind a behemoth of a woman at Walmart the other day, and she was buying thong panty liners. If your thong can double as a bungee cord for a midget, you are too damn fat to wear one!

Please, fat people, quit showing off your flabbiness. If I see another fat person in tight clothes I am going to puke all over you. Please America, help keep this fine country beautiful by telling these flabby bastards to put some god damn clothes on!


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