Odd Facts

Much like Hollywood, I am out of ideas for anything original, so I felt the need to rehash my past and bring you odds facts that many of you probably do not know. Feel free to wipe your ass with this article but what the hell. I may even surprise you:

'My senior season of High School Baseball, I pitched 80+ innings, struck out 68, walked 9, and hit 12 batters (11 on purpose).

Apparently I have a bit of an ego. My catcher told this joke about me in high school:
Coach Simmons was waiting in line to get into heaven. It seemed he had been there for centuries. Up walks a little old lady, the doors part, and she walks right in.
Coach calls to St. Peter, "What's going on, I have been waiting forever?"
St. Peter explains that was Mother Theresa and she did several great works on Earth so she gets the express line.
After another eternity of waiting, Coach Simmons sees a little old man walk up to the gates, the doors open, and he walks right in. Once again Coach inquires only to be told "That's Gandhi, he did a lot of great things on Earth, so he gets the express line."
Finally, Coach Simmons looks over in horror as Reed goes walking by the line, the gates part, and he walks right in.
Coach is beside himself. "What is going on? You can't tell me that Reed gets the express line to heaven also???"
St. Peter, chuckles and says "Oh no, that was God. He was just pretending that he's Reed."

I have never seen "Titanic" and am proud.

Once during a gradeschool basketball game (I was in 7th grade), I started a brawl with an opposing team that had parents coming out of the stands to break it up.

When I was a child, I watched "Star Wars" nearly 300 times. Anyone wonder how I made it as a web developer?

I am an award-winning poet, essay, and short story writer. That and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee in some places.

Once, to prove how a good repuation would sell bad poetry, I submitted and had published "Lifelong Plutonic Love and a Ruinous Tritheist". A poem I created by randomly flipping pages in a dictionary. I liken it to "art work" where idiots throw paint at a canvas.

I turned down an offer to attend West Point. Still kicking myself in the head over that one; though - in fairness - I would probably be getting my ass shot off in Afghanistan, Iraq, or soon-to-be-invaded Iran.

I am one of the few people who does not believe Pat Tillman's death was neither heroic nor noble, but selfish, reckless, and avoidable. He was recently married and had a child; running off to play super-hero is something you do BEFORE you have a family not after.

Once in a crowded restaurant, there were people behind me with a very loud child who was old enough to know better. When I went to leave I told them "Don't worry about the noise, I have a retarded cousin." They were flabbergasted and told me - very angrily - "He is not retarded!" At which point I turned to the child and said "You'll be ok, my cousin has retarded parents" ... and walked out.

From 21 to 25, I always left a box in my underwear drawer with $300 cash in it. The words on the box? Bail Money.

I have an IQ of 161 ... unless I am drinking. Which explains why I had a daughter out of wedlock with a bitch so god damn fat you could fake the moon landing on her ass.

Notre Dame lost, USC plays for championship, the Bears get a home playoff game ... piss off wankers!