Fornit Some Fornus

Russ Ballard once sang "Voices, I hear voices, voices, I hear voices" and thus the EVP phenomenon began ... or as I call it "Everyone Poops ... and then records it". You would think a shit-fest like the movie White Noise would discourage every Fred, Velma, Dafney and Shaggy to look elsehwhere for their kicks, but nerds are popping up everywhere with voices from "beyond the grave." More like, those with a ham radio, cb radio, FM\AM radio, cell phone, television antenna, or any number of the seemingly billions of gadgets that broadcast voice and video on a daily basis.

So how does it work? That's the easiest part. Go to any room in your house, turn on a tape recorder and let the fun begin! Let the tape run for about an hour and then download the sounds to your computer. Next, spend another 2-3 hours of your life analyzing the white noise from your tape. Make sure to make plenty of notes where you "think you heard something." Once complete, cut the sound up into blocks of "maybe there was some shit here".

Now, use a sound filter to "get rid of background noise" (as one website instructed me) so that you can hear the EVP. "Remember, these voices could be in a different dialect" (another website instructed me) so anything that sounds like a voice is EVP. Man is that spooky or what!?!? I've gotten bigger hard-ons playing "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board".

So what great truths and stunning science have we uncovered using EVP. Proving the existence of after-life? Doing a "Greta" and psyhicly solving unsolvable mysteries? Finding your car keys? Well, actually, it's pretty much useless. If - and that is really stretching an IF - we are hearing people from beyond the grave, they are basically pissing and moaning incoherently. You would think with all of these wonderful recordings someone would give you a treasure map, solve a murder, or even tip you off that the final Seinfeld would be frickin' idiotic. But, alas, nothing of any substance has come form nearly 33 years of solid research.

Even in White Noise, the "bad ghosts" used EVP to fuck up dumbass "researchers" and basically ruin the shit of Michael Keaton. Since Michael Keaton ruined Batman, I was all for it when they tore his shit up before throwing him to his death. That's what you get for devoting what was left of your life to being a douche bag with a tape recorder. By the way, if you haven't seen White Noise, don't read those last three sentences.

I tried my own EVP experiment by unplugging my cable-ready tv and simply turning it to a station that had no reception. After watching the salt and pepper white noise for a few minutes things started to happen. Voices and even faint images began to appear seemingly from nowhere. I heard enitre phrases. Distinct voices. Sometimes muffled, sometimes very distinct. And then, the scariest thing ever. An image, indistinct at first, and then horifying - Bill O'Reilly. The O'Reilly factor was haunting my teleivision set. Jesus, Mary and Joseph it was frightening and I have it all on tape. I can even make out the phrase he kept saying over and over again, first ghastly and indistinct, and then slowly building into a chant "I am a talking douche bag ... I am a talking douche bag ... I will haunt you from beyond the grave because I am a talking douche bag".

Since this experience I have burned my television set along with other recording devices. EVP is much too scary to a mild mannered man like me. Bill O'Reilly is out there, you cannot escape him. He will live forever in shitty Fox News time slots and in EVP from (insert evil laugh here) B-E-Y-O-N-D THE G-R-A-V-E!!!

EVP is for dumbasses with too much time on their hands.