Tuesday, January 24, 2006

January Blows

Thanksgiving and it's gluttony is gone, all the Christmas presents have been unwrapped and - in my case - returned. The New Year's hangover is a fuzzy memory and your daily drag kicks right back in. This is January.

Some may point to the NFL playoffs as a reason they await January, but really is that a good thing? The playoffs just - usually - mean Chicago is done for the season or will - as this year signaled - have one more game of false hope to play. We also have the empty feeling that football is almost over for the year. They couldn't even try to liven up the month by holding the Super Bowl in January; nope, February gets that. The days are usually overcast and dreary. You get the first working day of the month off and then no more holiday time off (in my case at least) until fucking Memorial Day; that's like 5 fucking months away.

You go to the gym and it's littered with fatass, lazy fucking trolls who spent all of 2005 getting fatter. They've collectively decided their "New Year's Resolution" is to lose weight. That means I get a month of trying to wedge into the locker rooms where these porked up manitis walk around with their junk hanging out. If you haven't seen your dick since the Reagan administration what makes you think the rest of us want to see it, lard ass???

Then of course you have to deal with double the flabbiness on the weight room floor as men and women alike don't have the first goddamn clue about etiquette or even common courtesy. Doing 3 reps and then sitting on a machine for a fucking hour isn't working out. These are the same assholes and\or cunts who probably brag about all the "time" they spend at the gym and yet no one can tell any difference.

Chicago Sports talk turns to the fucking Bulls and - jesus spare me - the Blackhawks. Both are about as interesting as the freckle on my right nut. Of course, there is the smattering of baseball blockbusters like someone getting traded for two minor league players you never heard of and - most-likely - will never see. You can't turn on sports anymore without ice skating, NBA basketball, hockey, and women's basketball. The only respite is the NCAA Men's basketball season which only rates slightly above doing my taxes in entertainment quality.

Experts analyze the Super Bowl from every angle reminding everyone that - it's just one game with good commercials. All the hype and bullshit can't take away the fact that there is only so much to say about it. Of course, two weeks of hearing about it will make anyone want to jump in the bath tub with a fucking toaster and a car battery just in case.

So let me end this "ode to January" ... the biggest bitch of the 12 months.


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