Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Fornit Some Fornus

Russ Ballard once sang "Voices, I hear voices, voices, I hear voices" and thus the EVP phenomenon began ... or as I call it "Everyone Poops ... and then records it". You would think a shit-fest like the movie White Noise would discourage every Fred, Velma, Dafney and Shaggy to look elsehwhere for their kicks, but nerds are popping up everywhere with voices from "beyond the grave." More like, those with a ham radio, cb radio, FM\AM radio, cell phone, television antenna, or any number of the seemingly billions of gadgets that broadcast voice and video on a daily basis.

So how does it work? That's the easiest part. Go to any room in your house, turn on a tape recorder and let the fun begin! Let the tape run for about an hour and then download the sounds to your computer. Next, spend another 2-3 hours of your life analyzing the white noise from your tape. Make sure to make plenty of notes where you "think you heard something." Once complete, cut the sound up into blocks of "maybe there was some shit here".

Now, use a sound filter to "get rid of background noise" (as one website instructed me) so that you can hear the EVP. "Remember, these voices could be in a different dialect" (another website instructed me) so anything that sounds like a voice is EVP. Man is that spooky or what!?!? I've gotten bigger hard-ons playing "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board".

So what great truths and stunning science have we uncovered using EVP. Proving the existence of after-life? Doing a "Greta" and psyhicly solving unsolvable mysteries? Finding your car keys? Well, actually, it's pretty much useless. If - and that is really stretching an IF - we are hearing people from beyond the grave, they are basically pissing and moaning incoherently. You would think with all of these wonderful recordings someone would give you a treasure map, solve a murder, or even tip you off that the final Seinfeld would be frickin' idiotic. But, alas, nothing of any substance has come form nearly 33 years of solid research.

Even in White Noise, the "bad ghosts" used EVP to fuck up dumbass "researchers" and basically ruin the shit of Michael Keaton. Since Michael Keaton ruined Batman, I was all for it when they tore his shit up before throwing him to his death. That's what you get for devoting what was left of your life to being a douche bag with a tape recorder. By the way, if you haven't seen White Noise, don't read those last three sentences.

I tried my own EVP experiment by unplugging my cable-ready tv and simply turning it to a station that had no reception. After watching the salt and pepper white noise for a few minutes things started to happen. Voices and even faint images began to appear seemingly from nowhere. I heard enitre phrases. Distinct voices. Sometimes muffled, sometimes very distinct. And then, the scariest thing ever. An image, indistinct at first, and then horifying - Bill O'Reilly. The O'Reilly factor was haunting my teleivision set. Jesus, Mary and Joseph it was frightening and I have it all on tape. I can even make out the phrase he kept saying over and over again, first ghastly and indistinct, and then slowly building into a chant "I am a talking douche bag ... I am a talking douche bag ... I will haunt you from beyond the grave because I am a talking douche bag".

Since this experience I have burned my television set along with other recording devices. EVP is much too scary to a mild mannered man like me. Bill O'Reilly is out there, you cannot escape him. He will live forever in shitty Fox News time slots and in EVP from (insert evil laugh here) B-E-Y-O-N-D THE G-R-A-V-E!!!

EVP is for dumbasses with too much time on their hands.

Monday, December 26, 2005

New Hotness

OK, so I had the idea to create a blog that basically rips apart idiotic blogs. Granted, this little piece of heaven could be attacked and has been, but that's for the dolts and religious zealots of this world. Me, I am all about peace and love and ... ok, can't even make it through that sentence with a straight face.

Anyway, I started a new blog that has already made a difference. Within hours of posting my first article and leaving a comment on the blog I ripped, the entire article was taken down. Now folks, that is pretty inspiring. I just hope that - in the future - I can help rid the world of shitty writing, idioitic people, and soccer moms with too much time on their hands (I know that is redundant).

So, without further adue, please checkout:

This Just In ... Your Blog Sucks

Oh yeah, piss off!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Random Musings 6: Return of the Brown-Eye

Lance Armstrong is married to singer Sheryl Crowe and why not? He's one nut away from being Sheryl Crowe.

Cheese and Bacon soup at Hooter's may be the healthiest thing you could order ... aside from a health inspection.

Toys-for-Tots discourages urinating in their receptacles.

I apologize for calling my ex-girlfriend a whore in a previous post. Whore's let you know how much it will be up front. I apologize to whores as well.

How come PETA doesn't go after Taco Bell for giving the "Yo Quiero" dog irreparable colon damage?

Speaking of Taco Bell, I had a bean burrito from there the other day, and let me tell ya: going in or coming out, there's really no difference.

Speaking of bells, is it me or would you like to hear how the Salvation Army bell sounds coming out of a volunteer's ass?

My new pickup line (feel free to use it single guys): Right now you're a 6. But if you come home with me, I'll flip you over and make you a 9.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

This Week's Installment of "Ask a Dumbass Hippy"

I asked a simple question of a dumb hippy and of course, I got a very long and winding answer. The question: "How do you interrogate a terrorist whose not afraid of death?"

Well, if he's not afraid of death, he's probably not going to be afraid of pain, either.
Ask anyone who has ever served in the military especially special ops: everyone has a breaking point.

As has been demonstrated time and again, torturing tends to get the tortured to say what the torturer wants to hear.
No, interrogation gets the interrogated to say what the interrogators want to hear.

The "line", as you put it, is very simple for a reason: THE U.S. IS IN THE WRONG, AND MUCH OF THE TERROR BEING COMMITTED IS BY US.
You're right, we are all too busy strapping bombs to our chest and blowing up innocent people.

At least 30,000 dead that Bush has admitted to.
No one dies in a war, ever.

Abu Ghraib.
Isolated incident from the thousands of prisoners being held. I wonder what the Irqi's under Saddam Hussein did to prisoners. Let's ask them - are there any prisoners of the former regime reading this blog or have you already been gassed or executed? Any prisoners released by Al Qaeda who were not executed on a tape that was released to Al Jazeera? No? Thought not.

The prisoners in that fucking place are treated better than 90% of the poor in this country.

Terror Alerts, politically timed to distract the American people from embarassing reports about the government.
Finally, something we can agree upon. Don't get your hopes up though folks, it's all down hill from here.

Nobody in this administration has ever, ever bothered to ask the one big question: motive. It's considered treasonous to want to know why the terrorists want to attack us. I, like pretty much everybody else on the Left, was all for going after Osama bin Laden. Pity we stopped before we caught him and went to Iraq instead. I don't want to find out why the terrorists do what they do because I sympathize with them in any way; I want to find out why they do what they do so we can stop them both in the short term and the long term.
Oh Jesus, here comes Dr. Phil the freedom fighter. Let me explain something to you my dumbass, hippy friend. Islam is a religion started by a general; amazingly enough its' radicals are proactive and violent. The Middle East hates the Jews for occupying the Holy Land which is Jerusalem. They have been warring for THOUSANDS of years. The U.S. is Isreal's staunchest ally making the U.S. a target. Our only way out - stop terrorism ... or allow it to happen, cut ties with Israel, and pray terrorism doesn't hit our back yard - AGAIN.

The "lack of substance" of which you speak has been in fact a lack of blogging, as I spent most of October and November appearing for music dates and finishing work on an album.
C'mon people now, smile on your brother, everybody ...

I very deliberately avoided political blogging, for the simple fact that it would've eaten my days and nights.
And the fact that you know little to nothing about politics, the world, or current events.

You'll find a little bit more in the archives.
Damn little.

I also have a LiveJournal.
Thank god ... even dumber ass then this.

That said, don't take this the wrong way, but... it's, ah, not your problem. If you don't like, please don't read. I promise not to think worse of you.
And if you can't take criticism or defend your dumbass statements, I would suggest not posting to the world wide web ... or at least turning comments off so that you don't have to realize how inane your blog is.

The Eulogy of Maddox and "The Alphabet of Manliness"

I was excited; Maddox was taking "The Best Page in the Universe" and bringing it to hardback with a 150 page book of original material ... and then all relevant communication stopped.
In the last five months, the man who made pop-culture his personal bitch has been only able to mail it in with a self-explanatory update called "Idaho Blows". Even the title makes longtime Maddox fans cringe with embarrassment and even a little fear. Has Kensington Books turned Maddox into everything he hates?

Instead of hearing from the poet in exile, we are forced to whet our tastes with inane cartoons by Maddox-wannabes lucky enough he didn't delete their e-mail for misspelling the word "submission". Each day I check the site - less and less frequently I admit - I get to see "an update" by some Picasso of MS Paint. I liken it to attending Woodstock ... as sponsored by Pepsi.

It's as though "The Alphabet of Manliness" - and many more "projects" such as a comic and a video game - are merely vehicles to selling out. I give him credit. Maddox found his niche, built his site from word of mouth, and is now - seemingly - trying to grab at every dollar before the bottom falls out.

Being a capitalistic douche bag myself, I can tip my hat to him. I may even throw on a couple popups and some google adsense spots to cash in myself for solidarity sake. Until then, wake me when "The Alphabet of Manliness" hits the stores. Until then, I will hold a candlelight vigil at Christopher Reeve's house praying for the re-emergence of the pirate known as Maddox. A vast beacon of ass-kicking in an tepid sea of buggery.

R.I.P. Maddox and "The Alphabet of Manliness"

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Parenting Tips from an Islamic Fundamentalist

Though the Koran strictly outlaws soaps, perfumes, and deodorant, children's bathing is still to be done once per month whether needed or not.

Teach your children right from wrong:
1) Democratic elections are "Satanic" ... Suicide bombing is a blast!
2) The Great Satan oppresses our people, kill the infidels at all costs ... all women should be covered head to toe and should speak only when spoken too. (Actually, I kinda like that part minus the burqa)

According to Allah, our children have no need for Math or Science. Any teachings must be Koran-based or use the supplemental teaching companion of Smith and Wesson.

If you catch your child masturbating explain to him that this is the work of the great Satan and then cut off his hand.

If your child is caught masturbating a second time, deny his existence, take him to the town square, and - with the help of your family and neighbors - stone him to death.

To show your son has matured to manhood, remember to take the diaper off his ass and afix it upon his head.

If your son or daughter will not stop crying tell them "Your daddy was a suicide bomber because you cried."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

New Blog

I alluded to it in the State of the Blog address, so now here is the new blog just for headlines. I call it "A Fair and Balanced Look at Headlines" because I am hoping Fox News sues me. Eventually all "headline" articles on this blog will be moved over.

Click here dumbass.

Daily Log

This week I had lunch with my best friend and her fiancee. His leaving my company as a contractor is what opened up my new job. No hard feelings on his part because it had absolutely nothing to do with me or him just some bad managerial decisions. What makes it even worse is that he had to return to the home office to a manager that makes a couple DG\JM directors\execs look like Bill Gates.

The new flavor of the week: logging all time including bathroom breaks ... or as I call it: "Logging your Logs". What's even funnier is that not only do you have to log your time, you have to log the time you spend logging your time. I thought I would try it one day just to see how things went.

8:15am arrived at my desk and turned on my computer
8:17am openened Outlook and began catching up on my messages
8:18am thought about buying Viagra at a substantially reduced rate from some jerk off who spammed me
8:19am invited to watch an 18-year old girl's "free" cam show
8:20am found out someone thinks I need Enzyte, Viagra, and a new credit card
8:21am finally opened up Visual
8:22am went to drop off the kids at the pool
8:58am walked bow-legged back to my desk after unloading Weapons of Ass Destruction
8:59am apparently I now need a loan mortgage
9:00am time to go get a diet coke
9:15am back with a diet coke
9:16am I can meet hot women in my area with just a credit card
9:17am whoa, am I at Churchhill Downs? Better be safe and piss like the proverbial race horse
9:25am back from bathroom, shot out a stream so powerful I chipped the porcelain
9:26am more e-mail for Viagra
9:27am spend the next 30 minutes wondering what would happen if I washed down a viagra with about 7 diet cokes ... it would be like a water cannon
9:59am spend 23 minutes staring at the wall trying to see if I can go cross-eyed
10:22am my manager stops by and we chat about movies for the next hour
11:28am two minutes to lunch so why wait
12:37pm back from lunch and finishing off the rest of my tasty beverage from the Big Kahuna Burger
12:38pm e-mail box is now overflowing since I haven't checked it in over two hours
1:17pm just finished catching up on e-mail. 30 spam; 20 unrelated items; 5 from users that have no clue; 2 french hens and a Danny Bonaduci in a pear tree
1:18pm go to all of my saved blog pages and read the top articles whether I have read it before or not
1:49pm run into my first philosophical pondering of the day: Do you ever notice McDonald's smells the same coming out as it does going in? What causes that?
2:32pm after really thinking things through, I decide to Google the answer
2:51pm get bored trying to find the answer but find nothing but vacuum cleaner ads for the new Cleveland Steamer
2:52pm uh-oh, the Big Kahuna is ready to pay homage at the thrown
3:34pm that definitely did not go well; whatever I ate, my ass feels like a rootbeer dispenser. Fumes from the bathroom set off the smoke alarms three separate times.
3:35pm With the building cleared I put together my time log for the day. Let's see, I will log "General Maintenance" for 6 hours, 40 minute lunch, two 10 minute bathroom breaks, and Logging time of 1 hour. And I'm spent.
3:41pm everyone still outside, time to cut out early and avoid the traffic

Damn, I am a really good employee.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Random Musings 5: The Enzyte Strikes Back

Is it wrong to pistol whip a hooker to death just to get an erection?

Here are three words that would put the fear of God in any parishoner: Father Michael Jackson.

I hate Google. Every time I type in "Tijuana Donkey Show" I end up getting a whole bunch of links to fucking horse racing sites.

If you need any naked pictures of Bea Arthur, I know a guy ...

I was extremely disappointed to see Paris Hilton did not take my advice and name her new clothing line "Cum Dumpster".

When you're in "the land down under", do you proposition a girl to "go up" on you?

I am truly conflicted, this weekend I have the choice of watching a stunning Jacques Cousteau documentary filled with educational and scientific amazement ... or HBO is showing the just as informative "Pimps Up, Ho's Down" documentary.

When you're single, whether it's a party, bar, or after hours gathering ... it's ALL about the chick-to-dick ratio.

I love when I hear women talk about "all men are dogs". So yeah, men fuck around. The problem with your logic sweetheart is that men are fucking around with WOMEN. I sure as hell never went to a club so I could jack off in the bathroom.

Speaking of clubs, we know your secret women. The only reason you are at a club is to get laid. PERIOD. If you are not there to get laid then DON'T GO! I don't walk into McDonald's and ask to see what's not on the menu.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Douche Bags in the News

In the news this week, critics are going "ga-ga" over the new movie "Brokeback Mountain", a story of gay cowboy love. I was disappointed to find out the stars of the movie were Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal so being cowboys was going to be really stretching their acting chops. I did hear that the story was originally called "Broke Ass-Cherry Mountain" but the title was too spot-on.

Islamic extremists have gotten ye'old propaganda machine out in full steam headed for the holiday season. They are calling the Iraqi vote "Satanic". First, I think they need to fire Church Lady as their lead spokesperson. Second, if voting is "Satanic" where does strapping a bomb to your chest and blowing up innocent women and children fit in the grand scheme of things?

The Governator told Tookie Williams "You won't be back!" after denying the quadruple-murderer's clemency bid. For all of the hollywood actors and African-American leaders clamoring for this guy's cause you would think he was Rosa Parks or Mandela. Instead, he is the founder of the Crips; an organization responsible for thousands of deaths over the years. I am pretty sure I will be able to hold back the flood of tears when this low-life gets what is coming to him. Hasta la vista, baby!

In unconfirmed news, Garth Brooks dropped a ton of weight recently. I believe it happened when he tripped trying to carry his new bride accross the threshold. Jesus, have you seen these two? It makes you wonder if bacon grease was recently added to the four basic food groups.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Media Hype

I would personally like to thank the media for introducing a number of words and phrases that make you want turn off your telveision sets, burn the local papers, and unplug the internet for good. Here are some words and phrases floating around today that should go directly back into the ass from which they were pulled out of.

Have you heard about the Asian bird flu and the world-wide Pandemic it is causing? It has killed 70-odd people in the last 5 years. Scientists race to find a vaccine before it can strike again. Of course, while this is going on it is estimated the plain-old, run-of-the-mill, been-here-for-centuries flu kills 20,000 AMERICANS ANNUALLY. Fuck it, give me Asian bird flu over the common stuff any day of the week. Once again, the media overhypes something.

Do you know what a metrosexual is? It's a fag that hasn't sucked his first dick. Nothing wrong with being gay. Nothing wrong with being bisexual. And sure as hell nothing wrong with being straight. So why do we need a knew word to describe women trapped in men's bodies. If you are a "self-proclaimed metrosexual", that just means you are testing the waters before your big "coming out" party.

Cyber Monday
I got excited when I heard about this day. I figured it was the day all of the world's porn sites give you full access for one day. Imageine my disappointment when I found out it was just more media hype.The claim was that the Monday following Thanksgiving was "Cyber Monday", the busiest day of the season for shopping online. Of course, the term "Cyber Monday" was invented about 2 weeks before this year's Thanksgiving for a day that is usually about the 12th most active day for shopping online. Now you sheep know.

Hate Crime
Another dumbass word followed by dumbass laws which give the government the right to include punitive charges on individuals already arrested for a crime. Amazingly enough, "hate crimes" only occur if you attack gays or if you are white defendant(s) who attacked a black person. Seems awfully limited in scope but what do I know. Commit a murder? Go to jail for 15 years or 7 with good behavior. Murder a homo and suddenly your ass is facing life. Moral of the story: Kill only your own race and Metrosexuals who have yet busted their ass cherry.

Black-on-Black Crime
The most vile and unforgivable crime if you listent to members of the black community. This is Kane and Abel'ism at its worst. Of course, speaking out against Black-on-Black crime draws cheers from the community; however, isn't this just a more indirect, and less subtle way of saying "Kill Whitey"?

Ethical Dilemma of the Day:
Stewie, a black man, is driving his SUV down the road on "Cyber Monday" and sees a fellow black man in the car in front of him. The black man in the car has a white Metrosexual passenger who leans over to give him road head. Stewie gives the car a "love tap" trying to dissuade his "brother". The "love tap" makes the car jerk forward and the inexperienced Metrosexual - now a homosexual since he has a dick in his mouth - bite down. The black driving the car screams in pain, loses control of the car, and slams it into a tree causing a fiery explosion. The explosion rocks the tree and several birds, suffering from the Asian bird flu, fly off and infect thousands causing - as we've already seen the numbers - the death of one 90 year old man. How does the media report it?

A) Black man charged in Hate Crime
B) Black on black crime causes fiery crash
C) Eco-Terrorist kills three, numbers rising
D) Pandemic caused by Black-on-Black, Hate Crime and a Cocksucker: Negatively Effects Cyber Monday's Sales Totals
E) All of the above

Monday, December 05, 2005

State of the Blog Address

Now that my blog includes 4 other blogs that I try to update regularly, I figured it would be a good time to address the state of the blog and what’s next.

First, there will be no more news updates on “Pissing and Moaning”. The headline thing is something I do for fun when the mood hits but it’s really a shortcut to thinking. I may start a separate blog just for those short headlines but I haven’t thought that far ahead.

Second, here is a short list of people I would like to degrade, make fun of, and generally just piss off in the future: everyone.

Third, if you have an idea or something you would like to see in the future, please send it to

Fourth, if you run across any website or blog ran by a religious zealot with a holier-than-thou attitude, please pass it along so I can update my latest blog:

Fifth, for the few Chicago Bear fans out there, I have decided to keep my sports rants separate from “Pissing and Moaning” and am currently publishing them at

Finally, for those wondering when I am going to write some more original material and stop doing short headline blogs … keep fucking wondering. My life goal is to disappoint you.

Enjoy the blog … or don’t and still blow me. Either way, I win.