Facebook Chronicles Part 1

As many of you know I signed up for Facebook this weekend. It was a long uphill battle pitting friends from out of state I wanted to talk to and not wanting to be annoyed by another social networking web that basically sucks balls. Anyhow, I did find some old frends and family ... but I also found people I had no relationship with in the past talking to me like I'm their damn BFF. Sure I know I'm hot, articulate, have a huge wang, am bigger than Jesus and the Beatles, but for fucksake, I'm getting inundate with messages and invites like Angelina Jolie at Lllith-Fare. Leave me the fuck alone!

I'm guessing this is the same way for many people., so I decided to chronicle the many faces of facebook. This week: The popular guy\girl - much like a former child actor - just refuses to admit it's over. Any chance they get, they have to remind everyone how special they WERE. Here's what their basic form letter looks like ...

Hey how have you been? I haven't seen you in years!
Prologue to a mind-numbing rant that has nothing to do with "you" or the "years" it's been. Hell, you probably saw her last week working the night shift at Walmart.

Back when I was cheerleading I guess things were really hectic.
She's fat.

Well, you remember that party at (insert some former classmate's name here - the more popular at the time the better)?
Oh THAT party. Sure because the 4 years of high school I wasn't drunk or high THAT party was totally AWESOME and memorable ... MAINLY because YOU remember it!!!

Well that's when I knew I'd marry the (former jock turned local gradeschool PE teacher) of my dreams!
Oh wait, I do remember THAT party. That's where like seven guys ran a train on your whore ass ... he musta been the most "special".

Anyhoo, we got married after high school! It is great, we have (insert X number) of children!
Read: I mastered the art of fornicating WITHOUT getting an abortion afterwards!


We should all get together some time and ...
What? Listen to Springsteen's "Glory Days"?

Oh well, I guess I should go ...
I've summed up my life experience in one paragraph!

But I'd really like to hear back from you again!
Please tell me I'm still relevant :-(