Saturday, August 09, 2008

Status Messages

If you've ever used message boards, chat services, IM, or social networking sites, you'll know that one thing you can set is a "status message." Most assholes set these to something that they think is hip or cool but usually allows most normal people to figure out they really are a douchebag and to move on. However, on occassion I have used - or came accross - some of these that do grab my attention. I thought I'd share some of my favorites:

"Masturbating." It's honest and direct and - let's face it - your probably surfin porn anyway.

"Putting the 'sensual' back in 'non-consensual.'" Ladies appreciate a man who takes his time whether it's the guy they fucked in the bathroom of their favorite bar or the stalker who loves dressing up in their thigh highs.

"On a mission from God." I love it. It's all about mystery in this one. Is the person one of those Born-Again rightwing Christian douchebags, maybe they're a John Doe serial killar ala Se7en, or maybe their just a good old down to Earth Chicago Bear fan. It's the journey finding out not the destination.

Those are just a couple, but I'm sure there are more. Here are a couple that will make sure you never get a response from anyone in their right mind:

"Listening to Coldplay." If you're a guy at least you'll get the fucking homos contacting you.

ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CAT(S). If you're a guy: That's Kevin Spacy gay. If you're a girl, then your some high maintenance cunt with more issues than Readers Digest.

ANYTHING MISSPELLED TO SEEM COOL. This would include (but not be limited by) Chillin, Ballin, Cruizin, and any form of the word "-izzy". So as a general rule if you are "Chillin at the hizzy" you are fucking douche and not worth anyone's time.

Anyone have anything to addy? <-- So, I'm a douchenozzle, I'm chillin with it!

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