Monday, August 29, 2005

Mork calling Orton ... come in Orton

On Sunday, I brought home my new daughter and began working on getting everyone accustomed to the changes. First there was BooBoo who was so excited (we were concerned about his reaction) that he would not let "his baby" (as he calls her) leave his sight. Pam came home to a cleaned, slighlty re-arranged house. And - of course - Caitlin found her new bassonet and living quarters far different than the white walls and cute nurses at Methodist. In all of the excitement, I forgot to check in on a number of things including my beloved Chicago Bears.

It was not until Monday morning watching ESPN that I truly realized that Aliens have landed and are taking over the world through sports television. First, Cedric Benson signed with Chicago ending a 36 day holdout. I was expecting this guy to sit out most of the season like his hero Ricky "Dopey" Williams, and yet here he is in practice. Next - and here is where the green people come in - Chicago announced they would start rookie Kyle Orton as their QB. Now in Chicago, a QB change is much like a snow day for District 150 ... anything short of a nuclear attack means the status quo.

So now, Chicago has signed their top pick and replaced their horrendous starting QB with an actual prospect. The next thing I know, Denver will cut Maurice Clarett for being a punk mot-- .... WHAT? They DID?

Oh god, everyone listen close. Get to your cellars. Stock up on solar powered batteries and all of the other stupid shit War of the Worlds taught us (like a force fields - when they exist - will be based upon the health of the beings inside a vehicle and not by things like engineering or laws of physics - ok, personal bitch about that movie). Anyway, Chicago is already oveerrun by the alien hoard. The next things to happen will be:

T.O. reporting to camp and being productive
Randy Moss towing the company line in Oakland
Tim Rattay beating out the #1 overall pick for the starting job in San Francisco


Oh Christ! They are here!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Caitlin, Gay Cowboys, and ADD-OM

Friday was the day that Caitlin Mackenzie came to join our family. She was 6lbs. 6oz. and 18 3/4 inches. She is doing well and so is "Pissing and Moaning Princess" (note to self - put Pam's blog up as a link).

So when everyone is wondering where I was ... now you know.

And if you were not wondering about me, thinking about me, or wishing that you could put your life savings into my new doomsday cult ... you need to ask yourself do you really have a life worth living?

BTW, just read where Tennessee Jed has ADD and it really makes me wonder. If I had a nickel for every time I made a statement and someone asked "Where the fuck did that come from?", I'd have a shitload of nickels.

The other day someone asked me, "Did you hear about the explosions in Pekin?"
My answer, "Nah, every time I watch tv it's just about a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding."

I had not heard about the explosion ... first thought was terrorism but why Pekin ... then I thought, about 9/11 because I was thinking about terrorism ... On 9/11 hundreds of FDNY fireman lost their lives which made me think of Tommy Gavin (Dennis Leary) the main character of Rescue Me ... This made me think of one of my favorite lines from Rescue Me when Tommy sees a fellow fire-fighters picture in the FDNY Calendar. The firefighter is dressed in chaps, shirtless, with a scarf in his pocket. The other firefighter asks, "Does this look gay?" Gavin responds, "No, no you look like the Marlboro Man ... If he smoked cock instead of cigarettes." ... This got me thinking about South Park and the episode where the Cannes Film Festival moves to South Park. Cartman doesn't want to go see the independent movies because "It's always about a bunch of gay cowboys sitting around eating pudding."

All of this went through my mind in less than a heartbeat and I responded without hesitation or even pause for dramatic effect ... I think I have ADD-OM (ADD-On Meth) ...

BTW, some people referred to this sense of humor and ADD-OM responses as my "quirky" sense of humor. I was then forced to donkey punch them in the back of the head for using the word "quirky" ...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


Since I am an indentured servant of the company I work for and have baby on the way, the only summer vacation I could afford was a trip through my own little universe. This is a GREAT place to live especially after having to live in so many other little universes daily. Here is my 2-week vacation that never existed when I flew out to the West coast (let me shout-out to all my homies) on the Invisible Jet I bought from Wonder Woman.

Saw the electric chair they fried OJ in; one of the guards said they actually had to have it specially made to fit hi ginormous head … helped Barry Bonds file for unemployment; poor guy could barely push the revolving door at the Unemployment Office; quitting steroids has to be a bitch … pissed on the ashes that used to be the Neverland Ranch; heard that Michael Jackson is going to be featured in the next Prison Bitch Magazine … I was sorry to hear about the apparent suicide of Ben Stiller; I felt even worse that it had been me to break the news to him about how completely and utterly untalented he is … Watched workers tear down several Starbucks in preparation for the Moe’s Tavern chain; house specialty is SkittleBrau – a full flavored beer with pieces of candy floating in it ...

BTW, you would think having an invisible jet would be cool but here are couple of problems:

1) It’s REALLY hard to remember where you parked.
2) Whoever invented the invisible altimeter and invisible speedometer needs to get kicked square in the nuts.
3) Dogs really DO NOT enjoy heights or high speeds if it doesn’t involve wind in their face … ever heard a Yellow Lab scream at 30,000 feet?
4) Birds get freaked out because they’re scared you’re going to shit on them.

The good thing about the invisible jet is you can actually see above AND below the plane so our night trip to Martha’s Vineyard was relatively uneventful … Fuck you I know it’s not on the West Coast but that shit’s funny …

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Marsupials Against Walken: An Open Letter

One marsupials response to

Dear Sirs,

Yes, I would like Mr. Walken to respond to us about his "pro-Frankenstein\anti-Marsupial" stance. First and foremost, we are offended at being called "scary" or "frightening". You cannot lump all marsupials into the same lump stereotype. Furthermore, several marsupials are not fast at all basically dispelling Mr. Walken's original assertion that he fears us "because (we're) fast!"

And what type of message does he send to children who believe that Frankenstein is - in fact - very frightening and terrifying. Frankenstein may be a bit haste-challenged, but is a known monster and has brute strength on his side.

Is it Mr. Walken's assertion that if a child sees Frankenstein that he dawdle about? And that if that same child should encounter an unassuming marsupial he should club it? This is highly disconcerting to me, a Marsupial-American. Before I would begin to take a candidate for president even remotely serious, I would expect a minimum of an open dialect on his views concerning Frankenstein and Marsupial-Americans. Furthermore, Frankenstein is German if history serves us; could this be some sort of Neo-Nazi extremism. Don't fear the Frankenstein ... or don't fear the Nazis? Hmmmm ...

Good luck with your next project racist. I believe Mr. Walken runs on a platform of intolerance and Nazism and I will defend myself and my Marsupial brethren by getting the word out! Walken is a marsupial-hating, Frankenstein-loving, Neo-Nazi with a propensity for hating fast-moving creatures. What is next, are we going to denounce illegal immigrants just because they could run or swim fast enough to get past the border patrols?

You sir are a racist and I will not stand for this campaign.

One Angry Marsupial

ps. For anyone who does not get the joke ... Too bad for you, get fucked!

Stupid Soccer Moms

The other day, my wife left the tv on ABC. I walked into the room to be utterly fascinated about a story about how hard gas prices have hit soccer moms. It was the hard-hitting news you might expect from one of the shittiest news teams in town. First, let's set up the story line:

Problem: Gas prices are causing everything to go up from food to shoes to - you guessed it - driving!
Premise: What is a soccer mom to do?

The soccer mom has to drive her two kids around - now read that very slowly - TWO KIDS. Getting them to their daily appointments. She also needs to buy food at the grocery, go to the bank - for what I wonder considering she doesn't do shit, buy the kids shoes and then get home to - my guess - the wetback nanny they pay $4 hour to watch their kids and clean the house. Her last stop before the house though will be the dreaded gas station in her fully loaded SUV.

Throughout are hero's trip we learn that prices are going up everywhere affecting day camps, grocery bills, and basically all merchandise that is shipped to stores. No shit!?! In her final stop, Super Mom is met with a $60 gas bill for her SUV. When asked, "Is it time to give up the SUV?" She laughs merrily and says "No, no not yet." What a happy ending!!!

It's cluesless twats like this that I blame for gas prices.

1st) Newsflash sweetheart - YOU ONLY HAVE TWO KIDS! My wife fits 3 kids into her 4-door Grand Prix. I fit 2-kids in my 2-door Monte Carlo.

2nd) Instead of bitching about gas prices, maybe you should teach your children how to ride bicycles. OR better yet, get off your fat lazy ass and get a job like most Americans.

3rd) Of course it's not time to give up the SUV because you're not paying for it. You trapes around town trying to give your life some sort of meaning while your husband works his ass off toward an early grave!

If we're going to do a news story about the reality of the gas prices, let's look at the working poor not the inconvenienced rich.

ABC News and your dumb bitch of a soccer mom can both BITE MY SACK ...

Monday, August 08, 2005

Always be Prepared with a Good Comeback

Here is some shit that makes me laugh that has to do with my best friend Greg. Does it make you laugh? I could care less. Write your own dumbass blog ...

On Greg's whore of an ex-girlfriend: "If she had as many dicks sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her, she'd look like a fucking porcupine."

In response to Greg passing out at his gay friend's house (prior to knowing the friend was gay): "Budweiser makes my ass hurt."

In response to Maggie who was friends with a friend of mine: "Usually people as fat and ugly as you make up for it with a sunny disposition, but I can tell you're special." Seriously, this chick looks like she was spawned from trolls ... short, fucking ugly-ass trolls.

On Maggie from above, our mutual friend told Greg in a sing-song fashion "She's sing-gle ..." trying to illicit a positive response from Greg, who countered with the same sing-song response: "There's a reas-son!"

Greg and I were at a bar when some drunk, toothless Pekinite bitch tried talking shit to us, as to which I was forced to respond: "I'm sorry, I don't speak drunk, fat bitch."

OK, that's all for now. Back to insulting people I work with and kicking children whose parents refuse to discipline them in public venues ... followed by rapid kicks to their parents genitalia because - let's face it - if you can't discipline your child you have no business reproducing ... or even copulating for that matter.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

3 Sluts

No, not the three sluts from my Christmas Poem - there were only two the guy was just a bitch. No, I am talking about 3 of the most rotten-crotched bitches you would ever want to associate with who went to Eureka College. Granted, I did my share of tail chasing ... and your share, and his share ... you get the point. However, there were 3 there - all friends, go figure - who ... I wouldn't touch them with a dog's dick and blame it on another dog. It wasn't that they were just whores; they were nasty whores with bitch attitudes. The first night I met them was the start of a long running feud that lasted my remaining 3 years of College, but it was more than worth it.

I was holding a party and the three were whoring it up as usual. I knew who they were, but they had yet to meet me. It was Sophmore year, so - basically - every girl on campus had been to my room for a party, after-hours, or after-after-hours. Of course, I was into the latter half of a case of beer (much like most of my stories from this era) when two of them decided they wanted to dance ... with me. Sure it's my room, my party, bass is thumping, but there are like 10 freshman girls who have been there every night and I only had fucked 8 of them. I sure as hell didn't want to blow my chances with the other 2 - or even chances of doing the other 8 a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th time - by hanging on these skeezy bitches.

The more they danced, the more I backed away from them, the more they came after me. Finally, one of the gaping vaginas, managed to get over to where I was at playing DJ before heading back out to the dance floor. I was pissed because I was trying to avoid her and her skank friends, but now I had to be obvious ... which made me a little happier.

"I'm Laura," she said trying to look confident and\or appealing.
"Good for you," I nodded patronizingly. She obviously didn't understand when people look and talk to you like a special olympics athlete who just spelled their name right, it's not a good thing.
"My good friends call me 'doggy'," and with that she pulled in close to me so that her snatch was dry humping my leg. OK, immediate action or I'll be humping my fist later ...
"They should," I said as loud as I could. "Because your face looks like the ass end of an old bulldog I had."

Women - watching this display - erupted in laughter. My best friend Greg (more about him in future blogs) high-fived me. And "Doggy" and her trollups stormed out of my room and hated me the rest of their sure-to-be VD-filled lives ...

Happily ever after. The End.