Thursday, October 25, 2007

Brian Griese, who you crappin?

This was my contribution to The Boers and Bernstein Show tonight on the segment "Who You Crappin'?" If any of you listen to 670AM The Score out of Chicago, my moniker is "Paul Edinger's Chess Set".

FROM: Paul Edinger's Chess Set

This crap goes out to Chicago QB Brian Griese. Brian, in his post-game press conference told reporters he called every play of the final 97-yard drive except for the game-winning touchdown. On Tuesday, Brian redacted the statement and accused the media of blowing what he said out of proportion. After that here is what I gleaned from the press conference:

Prior to the game, Griese met with the defense, and used his mystical, Miagi-like ways to heal Brian Urlacher's back.

During the game, Brian used his patented jedi-mind tricks to sway Ed Hochulee into several favorable calls.

During the final drive he and Pep Hamilton used a combination of lip-reading and Vulcan mind meld to keep the plays coming in from Ron Turner.

And finally, it wasn't that his helmet audio malfunctioned, it was the fact that he couldn't hear it over the sound of his own awesomeness.

Brian, you lead one of the greatest comeback drives in Bear history. Possibly in the top 20 in NFL history for the sheer difficulty. But let's not get too full of ourselves only to be sent out, tail between your legs, with some half-assed excuse as to how you were misconstrued. So next time your about to spout off at the podium, stop, remember all if this is being RECORDED, and ask yourself: Who you crappin'?

Labels: , , ,

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Stupidity brought to you by the Numbers 7, 0, and 0 and letters C, L, U, and B

Read the stupidity

Suffer Not the Trick-or-Treaters By Lori D'Augostine
*** Warning: The following article is a whole boatload of stupid.

How can you resist? How could anyone refuse adorable little children all dressed up, longing for sweets? I could, and I did for years. Truth be told, I was one of those irresistable children dressed up in a bunny costume, ringing your doorbell, and singing my "Trick or Treat" song.
There's a song? Really? How does it go.

Yet I was hiding behind a mask, and you coudn't see the "real me."
Costumes hide your identity. Thanks for the tip Mrs. Obvious.

If you had, you may have noticed that what I really needed was more than just your candy.

You were a naughty, naughty girl and needed a good spanking, right?

Though I didn't grow up in a Christian household, my parents were very concerned with protecting me from harmful influences -- whether it be the cartoons I watched or the video games I played. They had no idea that their daughter was falling prey to a much more dangerous world that went beyond the physical, parental-controlled television set.
You mean growing up with a sandy vagina?

My interest in the spiritual realm began very innocently in elementary school. My girlfriends and I would play games such as "light as a feather, stiff as a board" at our birthday parties. It seemed like harmless fun, until my best friend was lifted into thin air by what seemed like more than just the two fingers that I placed beneath her.
You may want to look up that word "spiritual", I don't think it means what you think it means. The "light as a feather" trick is what some people refer to as SCIENCE and is simply a trick.

By fifth grade, I was fascinated with Friday the 13th and was convinced that "Jason" was peering through my windows at night.
It's not Jason's fault you are a dumbass.

Now I realize that most children believe that there are monsters underneath their beds, but my fixation didn't go away.
Correction, it's not the world's fault you are a dumbass.

In middle school, I met some friends who introduced me to another world. They told me that they could contact the dead and learn hidden secrets about their lives. I'll never forget the time I asked the ouija board who I would marry. It replied, "the Devil." That's when I knew that I was in a very dangerous place.
Yes, I remember watching that FOX special "When Ouija's Attack!" Really, you're how old now and still don't realize Ouija is about as real as Santa sodomizing the Easter Bunny on top of a thanksgiving turkey, right? RIGHT? Oh fuck, people really are this stupid. You ma'am are the reason cults exist.

Sadly, the demonic hauntings I experienced growing up are common among many young children today. I would venture to say that 20 years later, it has gotten much worse. The lures of the Enemy are running more rampant. Chidren do not have to sneak over to their friends' houses to access demonic influences. There are online ouija boards that require only a mouse, as well as thousands of Web sites that specifically recruit young people to join the occult.
No, dumbass people with no touch of reality like yourself are the reason people turn to the occult. Your entire premise is that scary movies, Halloween, and stupid children's games are turning people to the occult and still "haunt" you. My fucking God, I wish Jason was sitting outside your home; maybe he would've slapped the reality back into your ignorant ass.

Occultic-oriented rock performers have flourished in this generation.
Yes, like Judas Priest, Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden ... "Hello, yes. One second, please." ... Hey numbnuts, the 1980's is on the phone and wants to have a word with you!

Some rockers even try to persuade teenage listeners to kill themselves and their parents.
God, here's to hoping your kids are 1) listening to these "rockers", and 2) they are equally as stupid as their mother.

The influence of the occult has been behind some of the most horrific school shootings of this past decade.
Oh yes, I am sure you have proof of this of course. Pish-posh, she's a bible-thumper, proof has no bearing in this world. Oh yes, I remember the Occult of the Latter Day Satanists were behind Columbine and Virginia Tech. This single sentence is so chock full of fail I can't even begin to fathom it.

Seventeen-year-old Luke Woodham killed two students and wounded seven others in his Mississippi school after he became involved in Satanism, which he said bestowed "power over many things."
Eric Rudolph was convicted of several bombings in which 3 people were killed and nearly 150 more were wounded. Rudolph was part of the Christian Identity Movement. You're play now douchenozzle, I bet I can find about 1,000-to-1 of "christians" who kill in the name of God.

This is the state of some of the American children who are showing up at your doorstep on October 31st. I'm not saying that each of them are secret agents of the occult, yet it is important to consider the souls of the children behind the masks.
Wow, so every child who shows up at my doorstep for candy is basically a soulless, soon-to-be homicidal satanist. Like so many others before them. Generalities. Let me show you them.

In Matthew 19:14 (NIV) Jesus instructed:"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Random bible verse to drive home your idiotic and fruitless "point?" Check.

Did you ever wonder why Halloween seems to primarily feed off of a market of 3-13 year olds?
Because children 1) love candy and 2) aren't old enough to buy it themselves?

This is a Satanic ploy for our children. I don't think that Christian children should completely abstain from the festivities of costumes and candy, because they can be a light through their alternative behavior.
Um, god-lady? You do realize that Halloween is a Christian holiday correct? I mean they borrowed from another religion (much like most of Christianity) but Halloween is their gig.

[I personally plan on dressing my children up in Biblical and God-honoring characters that will draw people to ask questions.]
Questions such as: "Why do you keep hitting yourself, Moses?" while your son is getting the shit kicked out of him by some kid in a chicken outfit.

I'm talking to those of you who will be opening up your door to children of whom you do not know the state of their soul. Consider the gift that you offer them at your doorstep.
Yes, I must do my God-ly duty and ruin the fun of a bunch of kids acting like, well, KIDS! I feel a sermon is appropriate for every child that knocks on my door. Also, all throw in numbnut here's tale of woe about how sleepovers and horror movies are satans plan to kill you, your parents, and bring back New Coke.

Matthew 7:11 (NIV) says: "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Random bible verse to back up more stupidity that could possibly be related to Halloween? Check.

Consider your options. There are many message-driven alternatives to offer, other than a bowl full of candy. For instance, there are Gospel tracts designed for trick-or-treaters that can be purchased online or at your Christian bookstore. You might also want to consider designing your own tracts or attaching scripture messages to the treats.
You may also want to consider making sure your home-owner's insurance is up to date for when the very pissed off trick-or-treaters return to smash your pumpkin and egg your house for being a total douchenozzle.

Scripture Candy, the makers of Fish Mints™ contain wrappers that have scriptural text.
Ummmmmm, sacrilicious!

Also, EvangeCandy, "the only candy with color-coded Gospels on every wrapper" are fun for children.
Fun for what children? I went to Catholic schools and I would've kicked someone in the head for trying to be preachy with candy. It's candy you dolt!

This Halloween, spiritually invest in your neighborhood children and don't make the mistake that I have made of ignoring the doorbell.
That's not a doorbell. That's reality you dumb coont.

Please do not shut yourself off to this generation. You have a unique opportunity to invest in the Kingdom of God without even leaving your home.
Yes, use Halloween as some sort of reverse Jehovah's Witness. What a fabulous plan. Maybe we can berate their parents for letting the little pagans out as well!

Suffer not these little children and consider how you can protect them from the hauntings of the Enemy.
The only suffering these children will go through is making the mistake of going to your house for candy. The "enemy" is a nice little fairly tale you have conjured up from a huge batch of stupidity mixed with an unhelathy dose of religion.

This woman is lucky she found Christianity because she no doubt has a "next stop Jonestown" type view of the "world." Ya gotta love rantings of mental midgets who think "light as a feather" and "ouija" boards are incontrevertible proof that satan is out there and stealing our children with Halloween. 100%, bonafide, inane drivel. What's scary is that people like this are far more the norm than the exception.

Labels: , , , , ,

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Yet More Random Pissings

Some headlines that struck me funny:

-- "WabiSabi Labi wants to be more than eBay for exploits." ... Also wants black "bud light guys" to do their commercial

-- "39% of Americans believe we're winning the 'War on Terror'" ... which more than likely means we're losing the "War on Drugs"

-- "Iranian dissidents rally against Ahmadinejad in New York" ... And you thought it was hard to get a cab before

-- "24 die in Iraq peace meeting blast" ... Uhm, guys, you're doing it wrong

-- Only Black Sheep fans will like this: "Bethlehem police nab Israeli with 900 chickens" ... screwed a beagle

-- "Bush urges U.N. to spread freedom" ... or else

Shaking it out:

Recent studies show that if you wear a phone on your ear, you 1) are not nearly as important as you hope to appear, 2) are for all intents and purposes a complete douchebag, and 3) will never get laid without the exchange of currency.

Karaoke nights at the GOP haven't been anywhere near as good since Rep. Mark Foley resigned. I hear he did a KILLER cover of "Turn the Paige".

You know, I am still getting hate mail for this blog and my "This Just In, Your Blog Sucks" site. Does anyone know where one can buy "a bag o' dicks" in order to eat them?

A great retort the other day from a guy when I was poking fun at Popeye's Chicken and their locations that are predominantly in black communities: If loving Popeye's is wrong, I don't want to be white!

Finally: Sometimes it's hard to hear myself over the sound of my own awesomeness!

Labels: , , , ,

Senator Larry Craig, who you crappin'?

This was my contribution to The Boers and Bernstein Show two weeks ago on the segment "Who You Crappin'?" If any of you listen to 670AM The Score out of Chicago, my moniker is "Paul Edinger's Chess Set".

FROM: Paul Edinger's Chess Set in Morton

This crap goes out to, Senator Larry "Really-Really-Really Not Gay" Craig. Craig said that he would resign from the senate, but only if he could not get his conviction for lewd behavior in a public urinal overturned. This week however a judge upheld the conviction. Craig of course toe-tapped around his earlier statement by explaining "I will continue to serve Idaho in the United States Senate, and there are several reasons for that." Several? I can think of only one. With the rash of gay Republican, "toe-tapping" sex scandals of late, one has to believe the men's room at the GOP National convention will be like a rousing rendition of Riverdance. So Larry Craig the next time you're in a public urinal trying to get some hearty man love - first, check your stance and then ask yourself: Who are you crapping?

Labels: , , , ,

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Scars by Papa Roach

Hear the song, read the lyrics, experience the suckitude!

This may be the single worst song in the history of rock ballads. It is ignorant, sophmoric emo piece of shit. Papa Roach named the album "Scars" so if this is the best they can do, I'd give up music. Seriously I've had diarhea that sounded better coming out.

So what do ya say, let's breakown this hemrhoid set to music. Of course as any good song does it starts with the chorus. Can someone explain the concept of the chorus to these douches? Actualy the entire song is like one long, painful,retarded chorus.

CHORUS: I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
OK, my son is 4.5 and can't spell ... I bet he could still make something 10x better than this.

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Dude, fucking emo-boy is feeling down and doesn't want his emo-girl to hang out. A bit of advice numbnuts, lock the door or go to a bar and get drunk.

Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
... I suck at rhyming?
... I'm quitting singing?
... my ass wrote this part?
Sadly, all they can say is the dumb fucking chorus again.

[Chorus again]

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
OK as we check the metaphor-o-meter. Water? Check. Drowning? Check. Ending the relationship? Check. Really could this get more contrived?

[Chorus again]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Hey, I heard this before ... but it's not the chorus so I guess they sang the exact same stupid shit again.

Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Wait, drowning, water, trying to help ... hmm, this seems like new lyrics in the song but they seem surprisingly familiar.

Go fix yourself
Oh, here's the big emo, tantrum-throwing douche as he really belts out this line. So deep and convincing.

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
But, in the chorus you're weakness is you care too much. Now you're saying "at least I tried." Maybe next time you should "try" writing a song that doesn't sound like a paint-by-numbers for blind people.

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
This isn't a typo, they actually sing this twice in case you missed it the first time.

They then put the final cherry on top of the turd by singing the chorus two more times. Probably because they ran out of lyrics to repeat from earlier. This has to be dumbest fucking song on the radio and possibly ever written - thats coming from a guy who lived through the 80's. I don't listen to the radio much, and this is Exhibit A in the reason I shouldn't. Seriously, if anyone out there thinks this is a good ballad, I'll personally kick you in the nuts and\or ovaries so you cannot bring any more stupid into this world.

Papa Roach blows donkey cock, and "Scars" should be the theme song of suck.

Labels: , , , ,

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

20 Helpful Cards

My girlfriend works part-time at a restaurant. The other day, two women were there for dinner. While Angi took their order, one woman very discreetly slid her a card. After taking the order, Angi checked it and it said:

The person with me has a disease called Alzheimers, and therefore her behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you.

I thought, that's a really good idea. But really, this is a million-dollar idea. I began brain-storming for all those times you need to make a statement but couldn't. A card, like a business card, with pre-written instructions to help you in any situation.

With that said, here are my new lines of cards. I don't know how people have made it this long without them:

1) The person with me has a disease called Terrets, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you, fuck face.

2) The person with me has a disease called Alcoholism, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you and keep them coming.

3) The person with me fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, and therefore her appearance is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you and she'll take the check for me being seen with her in public.

4) The person with me, I met on MySpace. If she is ugly, please help me fake explosive diarhea. If she is hot, please offer us shots. Thank you.

5) (ONLY FOR USE WHEN YOU ARE DINING ALONE) ... The person with me has a disease called Schizophrenia, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you from both of us.

6) The person with me is a complete Asshole. Thank you, just had to be said.

7) The person with me has a disease called PMS, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you. Please kill me.

8) The person with me has a condition called Bisexualism, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. If you suffer from the same, please lick her nipples. I'll be in the corner masturbating. Thank you.

9) The person with me has horrendous gas, and therefore do not let them order anything with beans or cabbage. Please be kind and understanding as I have to ride home with them. Thank you.

10) The person with me is just a friend, and therefore her cock-blocking behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you. Here's my cell phone number ____________.

11) The person with me has a severe case of "teh ghey". I, however, am totally straight. Please bring nancy-boy another mohito and me your phone number. Thank you.

12) The person with me thinks all waiters are fags. I told him that is completely erroneous. Please be kind and understanding and only spit in his food. Thank you.

13) The person with me is completely fucking boring, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding and if you see me nodding off, jab me with a fork. Thank you.

14) The person with me has a disease called Pedophilia, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. They dress me up to look older but I am only 13. Please call the police. Thank you.

15) The person with me is a Mac user, and therefore their behavior is completely pretentious. Please understand they'll order something not on the menu. Have the chef shit in some stir fry and garnish it with pubes; they won't know the difference. Thank you.

16) The person with me has a disease called Ghetto, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding when they insist on eating chicken wings for their main course, drink 30 lemonades, and leave you a quarter tip. Thank you.

17) The person with me is a Feminist, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be as condescending as possible and call her sweetheart, buttercup, and - especially - little lady. Give her the fucking check. Thank you.

18) The person with me is a stupid Hippy, and therefore her behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding and try to ignore the ganja and B.O. aroma. And for the love of Christ, would it kill a tree to shave your damn arm pits? Sorry, venting. Thank you.

19) The person with me has a disease called Pro-Life, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please laugh at them mercilessly if they eat anything with egg in it. Thank you.

20) The person with me is a Born-Again Christian, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and do not make eye contact, small talk, or say anything that could possibly be construed as religious. If they happen to sneeze, for the love of Christ, run. Thank you.