20 Helpful Cards
My girlfriend works part-time at a restaurant. The other day, two women were there for dinner. While Angi took their order, one woman very discreetly slid her a card. After taking the order, Angi checked it and it said:
The person with me has a disease called Alzheimers, and therefore her behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you.
I thought, that's a really good idea. But really, this is a million-dollar idea. I began brain-storming for all those times you need to make a statement but couldn't. A card, like a business card, with pre-written instructions to help you in any situation.
With that said, here are my new lines of cards. I don't know how people have made it this long without them:
1) The person with me has a disease called Terrets, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you, fuck face.
2) The person with me has a disease called Alcoholism, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you and keep them coming.
3) The person with me fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, and therefore her appearance is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you and she'll take the check for me being seen with her in public.
4) The person with me, I met on MySpace. If she is ugly, please help me fake explosive diarhea. If she is hot, please offer us shots. Thank you.
5) (ONLY FOR USE WHEN YOU ARE DINING ALONE) ... The person with me has a disease called Schizophrenia, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you from both of us.
6) The person with me is a complete Asshole. Thank you, just had to be said.
7) The person with me has a disease called PMS, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you. Please kill me.
8) The person with me has a condition called Bisexualism, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. If you suffer from the same, please lick her nipples. I'll be in the corner masturbating. Thank you.
9) The person with me has horrendous gas, and therefore do not let them order anything with beans or cabbage. Please be kind and understanding as I have to ride home with them. Thank you.
10) The person with me is just a friend, and therefore her cock-blocking behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you. Here's my cell phone number ____________.
11) The person with me has a severe case of "teh ghey". I, however, am totally straight. Please bring nancy-boy another mohito and me your phone number. Thank you.
12) The person with me thinks all waiters are fags. I told him that is completely erroneous. Please be kind and understanding and only spit in his food. Thank you.
13) The person with me is completely fucking boring, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding and if you see me nodding off, jab me with a fork. Thank you.
14) The person with me has a disease called Pedophilia, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. They dress me up to look older but I am only 13. Please call the police. Thank you.
15) The person with me is a Mac user, and therefore their behavior is completely pretentious. Please understand they'll order something not on the menu. Have the chef shit in some stir fry and garnish it with pubes; they won't know the difference. Thank you.
16) The person with me has a disease called Ghetto, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding when they insist on eating chicken wings for their main course, drink 30 lemonades, and leave you a quarter tip. Thank you.
17) The person with me is a Feminist, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be as condescending as possible and call her sweetheart, buttercup, and - especially - little lady. Give her the fucking check. Thank you.
18) The person with me is a stupid Hippy, and therefore her behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding and try to ignore the ganja and B.O. aroma. And for the love of Christ, would it kill a tree to shave your damn arm pits? Sorry, venting. Thank you.
19) The person with me has a disease called Pro-Life, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please laugh at them mercilessly if they eat anything with egg in it. Thank you.
20) The person with me is a Born-Again Christian, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and do not make eye contact, small talk, or say anything that could possibly be construed as religious. If they happen to sneeze, for the love of Christ, run. Thank you.
The person with me has a disease called Alzheimers, and therefore her behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you.
I thought, that's a really good idea. But really, this is a million-dollar idea. I began brain-storming for all those times you need to make a statement but couldn't. A card, like a business card, with pre-written instructions to help you in any situation.
With that said, here are my new lines of cards. I don't know how people have made it this long without them:
1) The person with me has a disease called Terrets, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you, fuck face.
2) The person with me has a disease called Alcoholism, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you and keep them coming.
3) The person with me fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, and therefore her appearance is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you and she'll take the check for me being seen with her in public.
4) The person with me, I met on MySpace. If she is ugly, please help me fake explosive diarhea. If she is hot, please offer us shots. Thank you.
5) (ONLY FOR USE WHEN YOU ARE DINING ALONE) ... The person with me has a disease called Schizophrenia, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you from both of us.
6) The person with me is a complete Asshole. Thank you, just had to be said.
7) The person with me has a disease called PMS, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you. Please kill me.
8) The person with me has a condition called Bisexualism, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. If you suffer from the same, please lick her nipples. I'll be in the corner masturbating. Thank you.
9) The person with me has horrendous gas, and therefore do not let them order anything with beans or cabbage. Please be kind and understanding as I have to ride home with them. Thank you.
10) The person with me is just a friend, and therefore her cock-blocking behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you. Here's my cell phone number ____________.
11) The person with me has a severe case of "teh ghey". I, however, am totally straight. Please bring nancy-boy another mohito and me your phone number. Thank you.
12) The person with me thinks all waiters are fags. I told him that is completely erroneous. Please be kind and understanding and only spit in his food. Thank you.
13) The person with me is completely fucking boring, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding and if you see me nodding off, jab me with a fork. Thank you.
14) The person with me has a disease called Pedophilia, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. They dress me up to look older but I am only 13. Please call the police. Thank you.
15) The person with me is a Mac user, and therefore their behavior is completely pretentious. Please understand they'll order something not on the menu. Have the chef shit in some stir fry and garnish it with pubes; they won't know the difference. Thank you.
16) The person with me has a disease called Ghetto, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding when they insist on eating chicken wings for their main course, drink 30 lemonades, and leave you a quarter tip. Thank you.
17) The person with me is a Feminist, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be as condescending as possible and call her sweetheart, buttercup, and - especially - little lady. Give her the fucking check. Thank you.
18) The person with me is a stupid Hippy, and therefore her behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and understanding and try to ignore the ganja and B.O. aroma. And for the love of Christ, would it kill a tree to shave your damn arm pits? Sorry, venting. Thank you.
19) The person with me has a disease called Pro-Life, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please laugh at them mercilessly if they eat anything with egg in it. Thank you.
20) The person with me is a Born-Again Christian, and therefore their behavior is not always appropriate. Please be kind and do not make eye contact, small talk, or say anything that could possibly be construed as religious. If they happen to sneeze, for the love of Christ, run. Thank you.
posted by Reed at 9:45 AM
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