Friday, May 04, 2007

A Letter from my Dog

Dear Morton Police Officers and woman with too much time on her hands,

I am a dog. I love the outdoors. I love children. I am friendly and I wag my tail. I love being rubbed behind the ears and on the belly. I am a dog.

You see, my owner is too busy raising three children and me on his own while working two jobs, so he left it up to me to write you. Apparently, there are many experts who believe they know my schedule, when I'm too skinny, how often and how long I am outside, and possibly my favorite color (it's black and white). I made sure I attached the letter from the nice Animal Control officer who finds me happy and healthy.

I just want to make a few points for all the experts who are so keenly aware of my health and well-being.

1) All animals are outdoor animals. Amazingly enough, animals are wild by nature. Humans have domesticated us by giving us fences and feeding us steak, but we love a good outdoor romp.

2) I am up to date. I have all my tags, AKC papers, shots, et al. My owner even registered me in the city of Morton.

3) I have a healthy coat, cold nose, and friendly disposition. OK, I am just patting myself on the back but it bears saying.

4) I have shelter and more on the way. After his divorce in June, my doghouse (which was being built by my grandpa on my mom's side) went by the wayside. Since my owner is not very handy, he's looking into a doggy door for the shed however insulating it and doing it costs money. In the meantime, rain or shine, bad or indifferent weather, I find the window wells by the back door very comfortable. They provide shade or shelter from the wind; the roof juts out plenty to keep me dry even when it rains. Also, I love to run around in the rain. Snow? Forget about it - nothing like going crazy in snow. Once the shelter is set, I will become AN OUTDOOR DOG full time. So, I guess I’ll be seeing more of you officers; please bring steak!

5) I can communicate with my owner. Aside from my fabulous penmanship, my owner and I have come to an understanding. When I want something, I whine or cry. Sure, it sounds very childish but I am only 1.5 years old so don't judge. When he gets home from a long day, I cry. I want petted and then I want to go outside. Steak would be nice too but dog food suffices. When I want in, I simply go to the back door and whine. It's a quaint little system but effective nonetheless.

6) When you approach my gate or fence I come out to see who the heck you are. One of my few duties is to protect my owner and his children. If you walk up to my gate, even in bad weather, I get up out of my shelter and check to see who it is. Sometimes I bark loudly to warn my owner. Other times, if you’re friendly enough, I’ll whine because I ALWAYS want petted. Catching onto the system yet?

7) I don't carry a watch anymore. Being outside is actually a lot more fun than being cooped up inside all day. I tend to not look at the time. So if I am outside and have not whined to come in, that onus is on me. If people have nothing better to do than monitor the comings and goings of a neighbor dog, I'd suggest taking a bath with a toaster.

8) For the unstable, animal lady: May I suggest a hobby, more\less medication, dogs who bark less, more animals (please don’t have children), moving, getting your groove back, travel, or something that would help peek your interest aside from me?

Warmest regards,

ps. Your dogs want steak and for you to get a life.


Blogger G13 said...

Oh my god, is that woman at it again? What a stupid old lady!

3:00 PM  

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