Monday, April 23, 2007

The Fred Phelps Solution

Is it true Fred Phelps was molested by wolves as a child? Was he sodomized by whicans and liked it? Regardless, I have a solution for Fred Phelps and his "church of low-life, lower-than-pedophiles, attention-whores". I simply take two problems and let them equal each other out. I call it, the homeless effect.

You see, on our streets today are thousands of homeless. They ask for change (possibly on their way to California). These people all come from different walks of life but they all have one thing in common: they need food.

Here is the simplest of all solutions to empowering our homeless but also silencing "the church of the drunken, bass-ackward, rednecks". Let us say it is the day of a funeral for a VT student (yes Phelps has called off his assault on these young people's families for - drumroll please - air time on a nationally syndicated talk show). But let's pretend Phelps is not of the high moral standard that he is and crawfishes. So now we have a bunch of his repressed-homosexual douchebags with their protests signs and anal plugs fully engorged preying on the likes of traumatized parents near you. What will you do?

I for one, plan to make sandwiches. I will make sandwiches and find the nearest homeless shelter or mission near the funeral. I will offer free sandwiches and regail them with tails of the poor young woman or man who lost their life. How they dreamed of doing great works some day. How the lives of every person they touched lost something special and how their parents may never recover. I will then point out that there are many out-of-towners, hate mongers who have come to disparage their death, to increase the pain and hurt of the familes, and lo-and-behold they'll be right their at this church. It's too bad someone can't stick up for these poor parents who have lost that wonderful child all too soon in life.

I'll tell them about how these fascists have attacked our dead soldiers, gays, and anyone where they can bring their attention-whoring selves to the forefront. How they will do it again, and again, and again. And how people are afraid to stop them because they will simply sue you for all your worth if you try to get in their way. How they use the law to scare law-abiding citizens and strong-arm these poor, grieving families.

With a little luck, the homeless, those with nothing to lose, will realize they hold the power. They assault the Fred Phelp's of the world - hell, they may get a medal. At worst, some time in a cozy jail cell getting three squares a day and the respect and adoration of millions of people around the country.

I am not saying I would incite violence or direct violence. No, I would simply tell them what will happen and if there are descent people among them I would hope they could realize their power. Fred Phelps and his weasel-lawyers do not intimidate people who have nothing. And people who have nothing may feel the need to stand up for people who just lost everything.

It's a simple plan that I hope works.


Blogger Oreo said...

That would have been a truly marvelous idea. I would have helped.

4:55 PM  

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