Monday, July 31, 2006

Updates Anyone?

Part of the hazards of being a celebrity blogger with a readership well into the high single digits is the fact that you are constantly bombarded wtih requests ...

"Write about this ..."

"Make fun of that ..."

"Kiss me where it smells funny ..."

etc., etc.

Lately, however, there is one recurring theme to the harassment. A text message last week: "You are slacking on your blog". An IM the other day: "When are you going to update?". A stressed-out, douchebag whose life is seemingly empty without my guidance e-mailed and said: "For the love of God, please update!"

Knowing that "it would be so empty without me", I have decided to give the world what they have been waiting on ... a reality show\documentary\self-help program that follows me 24/7 and fills your pathetic lives with meaning. Currently in talks with Fox, E!, VH1, MTV, and the Lifetime Network - haha! got ya, I would never appear on MTV - I have pitched my new series part Morgan Spurlock, part The Simple Life, part the Osbournes, and part Death Race 3000. I call it, "30 Days of Feeding Paris Hilton into a Wood Chipper while I get drunk and yell incoherent ramblings while running over stupid people and their spawn". FOX - of course- is the high bidder; I just don't know if I want to lower myself to their standards when I could have a classy outfit like E! who brought us the Michael Jackson trial re-enactment on a nightly basis.

Some of the highlights from this season:
I blow torch off Paris Hilton's gonorhea infested cooch ... In episode twelve, I molest an entire Catholic monastery ... I throw a midget into a net - and by midget I mean "tantrum-throwing bastard" and by net I mean "alligator pit" ... I have images of Mohammed tattoed on my ass and then go around moooning Mosques, convenient store owners, and cab drivers ... I lure unsuspecting lard asses into falling down a mine shaft with trails of pork rhinds, ho-hos and Kripsy Kremes ... I help OJ hunt for the real killers ... I show Brokeback director how "Ang-Lee" I am for having to sit through that shit-fest by sodomizing him - not in a "gay" way, but in a "you quit making shitty, suck-fest movies" way ... Finally, the part that made it all worthwhile is when the Pope orders Catholics everywhere to strap bombs to themselves and blow up FOX, FOX Affiliates, and puts a contract on my head! Let the good times roll!

There's your update assholes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to watching out for those crazier-than-bat-shit Christian crusaders who are ruining America by saying "Merry Christmas", "In God we Trust" or "one nation, under God".


Blogger G13 said...

Sounds more like Jackass! Oh, maybe you could get a movied deal like they did. Did anyone actually see that movie?

10:11 AM  

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