The Long Game

After several attempts to quell a growing black bear population the Alabama legislator - after several failed attempts - put out a $250,000 reward for anyone who could fix the problem. Months later and still no realistic claims for the reward, a young man came to the state capitol and declared he would fix the problem but it would cost the state $5 million dollars.

Desperate but no sucker, the Governor asked "How do you fix to do that son?"

The young man responded, "Well governor, as a young boy I was raised good Christian and know the bible through and through."

The Governor said skeptically, "Well that doesn't explain how you're going to fix it."

The young man responded, "Well Governor, I also was given by God the ability to speak with animals. I've spent every day of my life praying and giving glory to God. And every chance I get I go to the woods to be with his creatures. I figured the time has come to do God's work and I will convert the black bears to Christianity and teach them abstinence."

The governor was quite taken aback by this but the young man went on. "And Governor, I do not want any money. I will go to the woods for some time and then if the black bear problem isn't fixed come next season, you will not owe me a single penny. Whatta you say, sir?"

So the Governor thought and prayed on it and finally agreed. So one Monday, the young man, surrounded by television crews, skeptics, well-wishers, and the governor himself walked into the woods with just some meager belongings and holding his holy bible high above his head. Six weeks later the young man came walking out of the woods to quite less fanfare but met the governor again telling him "I will return in 6 months and you will see the fruits of my work."

Six months goes by and sure enough the young man returns. And to the governors delight the black bear population had dropped significantly back down to acceptable levels. The young man was brought to the capital to much fanfare as the governor presented him with a check for $5 million and thousands of fans as well as throes of media. The young man simply accepted the check smiled and said "All glory to you my Lord." The young man took pictures, shook hands, spoke the gospel and at the end of the celebration disappeared just as mysteriously as he had come.

A month later - just by happenstance - a yankee reporter down south for a convention came across the young man drinking a beer in a small tavern. The reporter, recognizing the young man was overcome with curiosity and made his way over offering to buy the young man a beer and - perchance - get an inside story. The young man obliged and the reporter bellied up to the bar with him.

Being a yankee and a reporter, he was obviously skeptical but his curiosity was too much to contain. "So how did you take care of the black bear population?" he asked.

The young man looked him like he was dense and simply replied "Well I did what I said I was going to do, I went into the woods and I taught the black bears the bible and abstinence-only sex education."

"That's impossible," the reporter blurted. "They can't even teach PEOPLE abstinence-only sex education what's your trick?"

The young man took a long pull on his beer and with coy smile asked "Off the record?"

The reporter, now overcome with more curiosity than a big scoop thought hard, and finally beaten, said "Yes".

The young man smiled wide, took another drink and began "Well, I grew up in the woods all my life. I went to college and studied Biology focusing on wildlife. I then went on and got a PHD as well. After college I came back to Alabama and couldn't find work because of my college education, so I did what I could to get by. When the black bears became a problem I began looking at the different causes for it - and without boring you - I found that it was just a natural spike in their population which would soon ebb just as everything does in nature." And with that he sat back and took a self-satisfied drink of his beer.

The reporter was stunned. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. "So you made up some story about speaking to animals and all of that?? Why didn't you just tell them the truth?!?"

The young man's smile turned to a very serious face for once. He looked the reporter dead in his face and said "Do you think anyone in this state would believe me if I told them it was 'science'?"

As the reporter took this in, the young man beemed again as he added "Plus, next year they're going to pay me another $2 million just to go back and try and reach the black bears who didn't convert!"

Stupidity brought to you by the Numbers 7, 0, and 0 and letters C, L, U, and B

Read the stupidity

Suffer Not the Trick-or-Treaters By Lori D'Augostine
*** Warning: The following article is a whole boatload of stupid.

How can you resist? How could anyone refuse adorable little children all dressed up, longing for sweets? I could, and I did for years. Truth be told, I was one of those irresistable children dressed up in a bunny costume, ringing your doorbell, and singing my "Trick or Treat" song.
There's a song? Really? How does it go.

Yet I was hiding behind a mask, and you coudn't see the "real me."
Costumes hide your identity. Thanks for the tip Mrs. Obvious.

If you had, you may have noticed that what I really needed was more than just your candy.

You were a naughty, naughty girl and needed a good spanking, right?

Though I didn't grow up in a Christian household, my parents were very concerned with protecting me from harmful influences -- whether it be the cartoons I watched or the video games I played. They had no idea that their daughter was falling prey to a much more dangerous world that went beyond the physical, parental-controlled television set.
You mean growing up with a sandy vagina?

My interest in the spiritual realm began very innocently in elementary school. My girlfriends and I would play games such as "light as a feather, stiff as a board" at our birthday parties. It seemed like harmless fun, until my best friend was lifted into thin air by what seemed like more than just the two fingers that I placed beneath her.
You may want to look up that word "spiritual", I don't think it means what you think it means. The "light as a feather" trick is what some people refer to as SCIENCE and is simply a trick.

By fifth grade, I was fascinated with Friday the 13th and was convinced that "Jason" was peering through my windows at night.
It's not Jason's fault you are a dumbass.

Now I realize that most children believe that there are monsters underneath their beds, but my fixation didn't go away.
Correction, it's not the world's fault you are a dumbass.

In middle school, I met some friends who introduced me to another world. They told me that they could contact the dead and learn hidden secrets about their lives. I'll never forget the time I asked the ouija board who I would marry. It replied, "the Devil." That's when I knew that I was in a very dangerous place.
Yes, I remember watching that FOX special "When Ouija's Attack!" Really, you're how old now and still don't realize Ouija is about as real as Santa sodomizing the Easter Bunny on top of a thanksgiving turkey, right? RIGHT? Oh fuck, people really are this stupid. You ma'am are the reason cults exist.

Sadly, the demonic hauntings I experienced growing up are common among many young children today. I would venture to say that 20 years later, it has gotten much worse. The lures of the Enemy are running more rampant. Chidren do not have to sneak over to their friends' houses to access demonic influences. There are online ouija boards that require only a mouse, as well as thousands of Web sites that specifically recruit young people to join the occult.
No, dumbass people with no touch of reality like yourself are the reason people turn to the occult. Your entire premise is that scary movies, Halloween, and stupid children's games are turning people to the occult and still "haunt" you. My fucking God, I wish Jason was sitting outside your home; maybe he would've slapped the reality back into your ignorant ass.

Occultic-oriented rock performers have flourished in this generation.
Yes, like Judas Priest, Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden ... "Hello, yes. One second, please." ... Hey numbnuts, the 1980's is on the phone and wants to have a word with you!

Some rockers even try to persuade teenage listeners to kill themselves and their parents.
God, here's to hoping your kids are 1) listening to these "rockers", and 2) they are equally as stupid as their mother.

The influence of the occult has been behind some of the most horrific school shootings of this past decade.
Oh yes, I am sure you have proof of this of course. Pish-posh, she's a bible-thumper, proof has no bearing in this world. Oh yes, I remember the Occult of the Latter Day Satanists were behind Columbine and Virginia Tech. This single sentence is so chock full of fail I can't even begin to fathom it.

Seventeen-year-old Luke Woodham killed two students and wounded seven others in his Mississippi school after he became involved in Satanism, which he said bestowed "power over many things."
Eric Rudolph was convicted of several bombings in which 3 people were killed and nearly 150 more were wounded. Rudolph was part of the Christian Identity Movement. You're play now douchenozzle, I bet I can find about 1,000-to-1 of "christians" who kill in the name of God.

This is the state of some of the American children who are showing up at your doorstep on October 31st. I'm not saying that each of them are secret agents of the occult, yet it is important to consider the souls of the children behind the masks.
Wow, so every child who shows up at my doorstep for candy is basically a soulless, soon-to-be homicidal satanist. Like so many others before them. Generalities. Let me show you them.

In Matthew 19:14 (NIV) Jesus instructed:"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Random bible verse to drive home your idiotic and fruitless "point?" Check.

Did you ever wonder why Halloween seems to primarily feed off of a market of 3-13 year olds?
Because children 1) love candy and 2) aren't old enough to buy it themselves?

This is a Satanic ploy for our children. I don't think that Christian children should completely abstain from the festivities of costumes and candy, because they can be a light through their alternative behavior.
Um, god-lady? You do realize that Halloween is a Christian holiday correct? I mean they borrowed from another religion (much like most of Christianity) but Halloween is their gig.

[I personally plan on dressing my children up in Biblical and God-honoring characters that will draw people to ask questions.]
Questions such as: "Why do you keep hitting yourself, Moses?" while your son is getting the shit kicked out of him by some kid in a chicken outfit.

I'm talking to those of you who will be opening up your door to children of whom you do not know the state of their soul. Consider the gift that you offer them at your doorstep.
Yes, I must do my God-ly duty and ruin the fun of a bunch of kids acting like, well, KIDS! I feel a sermon is appropriate for every child that knocks on my door. Also, all throw in numbnut here's tale of woe about how sleepovers and horror movies are satans plan to kill you, your parents, and bring back New Coke.

Matthew 7:11 (NIV) says: "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Random bible verse to back up more stupidity that could possibly be related to Halloween? Check.

Consider your options. There are many message-driven alternatives to offer, other than a bowl full of candy. For instance, there are Gospel tracts designed for trick-or-treaters that can be purchased online or at your Christian bookstore. You might also want to consider designing your own tracts or attaching scripture messages to the treats.
You may also want to consider making sure your home-owner's insurance is up to date for when the very pissed off trick-or-treaters return to smash your pumpkin and egg your house for being a total douchenozzle.

Scripture Candy, the makers of Fish Mints™ contain wrappers that have scriptural text.
Ummmmmm, sacrilicious!

Also, EvangeCandy, "the only candy with color-coded Gospels on every wrapper" are fun for children.
Fun for what children? I went to Catholic schools and I would've kicked someone in the head for trying to be preachy with candy. It's candy you dolt!

This Halloween, spiritually invest in your neighborhood children and don't make the mistake that I have made of ignoring the doorbell.
That's not a doorbell. That's reality you dumb coont.

Please do not shut yourself off to this generation. You have a unique opportunity to invest in the Kingdom of God without even leaving your home.
Yes, use Halloween as some sort of reverse Jehovah's Witness. What a fabulous plan. Maybe we can berate their parents for letting the little pagans out as well!

Suffer not these little children and consider how you can protect them from the hauntings of the Enemy.
The only suffering these children will go through is making the mistake of going to your house for candy. The "enemy" is a nice little fairly tale you have conjured up from a huge batch of stupidity mixed with an unhelathy dose of religion.

This woman is lucky she found Christianity because she no doubt has a "next stop Jonestown" type view of the "world." Ya gotta love rantings of mental midgets who think "light as a feather" and "ouija" boards are incontrevertible proof that satan is out there and stealing our children with Halloween. 100%, bonafide, inane drivel. What's scary is that people like this are far more the norm than the exception.