Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Random Musings 8: The State of Chuck Norris's Union

I always believed that "Crack Kills"; however, after watching just 10 minutes of "Being Bobby Brown", crack doesn't kill nearly fast enough.

Paris Hilton has no idea what country the city of London resides. Also unclear of where France or her underpants can be found ... whore.

The only way you could make "Brokeback Mountain" funnier is if - instead of sheep - they were gerbil herders.

I'm pretty sure I saw Kevin Federline's rap CD in the 99 cent bin at a Gas Stop in Utica ... or maybe it was the space they reserved for it.

The U.S. is threatening to cut aid to Palestine if newly elected political party\terrorist organization Hamas does not denounce violence ... in other news, the U.S. gives fucking aid to Palestine!

Baby wolves cry "Chuck Norris".

Define Irony: Howard Stern moves to Sirius satellite radio to escape the FCC ... now Sirius is going to impose limitations on his show.

Judge Alito is now a Supreme Court justice. Republicans control all the branches of government making "checks and balances" an interesting but useless theory (take that founding fathers!). Our military is stretched and we are making threats to Palestine, Iran, and South Korea. Anyone see imminent danger ahead? Not a joke, just scary.

I ate at Hooter's the other day and the waitress was so incredibly bad I wanted to go back in time and wipe out her entire family tree for producing such a slack-jawed, waste of oxygen.

We are buying a new house in February so I am really excited Alan Greenspan's last act today (Jan. 31st) before stepping down will to make sure he bumps up the fucking interest rate. Thanks douche bag!

Al Qaeda terrorists scrapped a plan on September 11th to hijack a 5th plane and fly it into Chuck Norris. After viewing "Invasion USA", they wet themselves and cancelled all Norris-related operations for the next century.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Random Musings 7: Enough hate to go around!

I am currently writing a book about the rise of Asian women in corporate America. It is tentatively titled "Everyone Loves a Happy Ending".

I want to be the mayor of "Chocolate-Vanilla Swirl City" ... "with Sprinkles" (asians, hispanics, indians, and american-indians ... just not too many).

Korean scientist Woo Suk Hwang now claims her findings in "cloning" was a mistake by the media. She actually made a break through in "CRONING", the time and\or ceremony in which women celebrate the end of their years as a mother and the arrival of old age and wisdom ... FAH-Ra-RAH-Ra-RAH-Ra-RAH-Ra-RAH

Donovan McNabb is not a black quarterback. This message is approved by the Philadelphia NAACP.

I was at a bar the other night when some girl approached me by saying, "Your kinda cute. Kinda." I, for one, love back-handed compliments so I told her. "Thanks. You're sorta a fat bitch ... you look like you - ALMOST - went on a diet."

My son is three and is having a terrible time picking up after himself and cleaning his room. It became so bad the other night we had to have a family meeting. In the meeting, I warned him if he didn't start pulling his weight I would downsize his ass and hire a Mexican 3-year old for half the cost.

Gratefully Dead Jihadist Tour for the new Millenium
2002 Afghanistan
2003 Iraq
2006 Iran
2007 Palestine
2008 Syria
Dates subject to change with elections and flavors of the month; alternative, less obvious sites include Sudan, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, China, Mexico, and Canada!

God is angry with the United States so he is punishing black people as evidenced by hurricane Katrina. I liken that to me kicking Michael Bolton in the nuts because I don't like rap music. Sure, at the time, it made me feel better, but did it really get the point accross?

Cheers mates ... or if you're from the San Francisco Bay area - "Bottoms Up!"

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

January Blows

Thanksgiving and it's gluttony is gone, all the Christmas presents have been unwrapped and - in my case - returned. The New Year's hangover is a fuzzy memory and your daily drag kicks right back in. This is January.

Some may point to the NFL playoffs as a reason they await January, but really is that a good thing? The playoffs just - usually - mean Chicago is done for the season or will - as this year signaled - have one more game of false hope to play. We also have the empty feeling that football is almost over for the year. They couldn't even try to liven up the month by holding the Super Bowl in January; nope, February gets that. The days are usually overcast and dreary. You get the first working day of the month off and then no more holiday time off (in my case at least) until fucking Memorial Day; that's like 5 fucking months away.

You go to the gym and it's littered with fatass, lazy fucking trolls who spent all of 2005 getting fatter. They've collectively decided their "New Year's Resolution" is to lose weight. That means I get a month of trying to wedge into the locker rooms where these porked up manitis walk around with their junk hanging out. If you haven't seen your dick since the Reagan administration what makes you think the rest of us want to see it, lard ass???

Then of course you have to deal with double the flabbiness on the weight room floor as men and women alike don't have the first goddamn clue about etiquette or even common courtesy. Doing 3 reps and then sitting on a machine for a fucking hour isn't working out. These are the same assholes and\or cunts who probably brag about all the "time" they spend at the gym and yet no one can tell any difference.

Chicago Sports talk turns to the fucking Bulls and - jesus spare me - the Blackhawks. Both are about as interesting as the freckle on my right nut. Of course, there is the smattering of baseball blockbusters like someone getting traded for two minor league players you never heard of and - most-likely - will never see. You can't turn on sports anymore without ice skating, NBA basketball, hockey, and women's basketball. The only respite is the NCAA Men's basketball season which only rates slightly above doing my taxes in entertainment quality.

Experts analyze the Super Bowl from every angle reminding everyone that - it's just one game with good commercials. All the hype and bullshit can't take away the fact that there is only so much to say about it. Of course, two weeks of hearing about it will make anyone want to jump in the bath tub with a fucking toaster and a car battery just in case.

So let me end this "ode to January" ... the biggest bitch of the 12 months.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

January 19th, 2006: Microsoft Mocks the World

Japan grapples with invasion of giant jellyfish
Still no sign of Mothra or Godzilla.

Hamster, Snake Best Friends at Tokyo Zoo
Here come da badgers, here come da badgers.

Feds Seek Google Records in Porn Probe
Amazingly enough, I type in "Ass Fucks" and am redirected to the US Government site.

Microsoft Refutes 'Back Door' Claim
Issues statement "We haven't screwed your 'Back Door' in years. We just come straight at you baby and you take it. Ha, ha! Who's your daddy, bitches!

Chirac threatens nuclear weapons against 'terrorist' states
A Frenchman with balls ... I am pretty sure I ready about that somewhere in Revelations.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Keep America Beautiful: Tell a fat person to cover up!

OK, so I am at some stupid-ass, Panera-ripoff the other day called Camille’s. Anyway, in walks a bunch of 15 year old girls all dressed like the whore Britney Spears. Now, fifteen year old girls – first and foremost – do not need to dress like whores when they walk out the door. I have one daughter and she’s not leaving the house until she’s 18 and that’s only going to be to register for College courses at an all-woman University, but I’ll be damned if I am going to give her a green light on looking like a total slut. That’s not the problem however. The problem is the two girls in the back of the group - who were at least 30 pounds overweight - were wearing the same size clothes as my daughter wears. These were little girls – even though their parents are fucking retards – so I gave them a pass, but here is the problem: who told fat women that they should dress like Britney Spears, Christina Aguillera or any other skinny bitch who’s about 10+ sizes smaller than they are?

In my house, I own at least 5 mirrors because I live with women. My wife is 5”0 and 100 lbs, skinny and hot looking. Sure, everyone says their wife is hot, but mine would blow away your wife so don’t bother. That’s not me being flattering – she hates this article – that’s me being realistic. My wife is 24 years old, a former Hooter’s girl, and has a body that Britney and Christina would vomit for. Anyway, that’s beside the point. You see, my wife wears tight clothes because SHE CAN. She will not induce vomiting by showing off her body. Why is that women, with at least ONE mirror in their home, cannot see the difference? If you wear a size 6 or bigger, you do not need to wear tight clothes. If your clothes size are in DOUBLE-fucking-DIGITS, you need to wear a size BIGGER to cover your fat ass. When it comes to jeans, if I can read your lips without you uttering a syllable, your fucking pants are too tight! If you have a single fat roll on your body please allow me to keep my lunch firmly in my stomach and NOT wear a halter top. Halter tops are a privilege not a right.

Why is that women with more rolls than Pillsbury feel the need to show off their cellulite-ridden stomachs. And on top of that – what’s even funnier – they get a belly-button ring. Listen up sweetheart, your belly button looks like a second vagina thanks to all the fat rolls, drawing attention to it with a halter top and a piercing is just a really bad idea.

I think there should be decency police and I am volunteering for the job. Let’s start to keep America beautiful by telling fat people that they need to put some clothes on. Hey, I am the last guy in the world to have a problem with fat people. Some people are fat because of glands and some people just don’t take care of themselves … I have no problem with that UNTIL you feel the need to show off your flabby ass to the world.

My ire is not just reserved for women, I see guys in the gym wearing sleeveless shirts and short shorts. What the fuck is that about? If you want to look GAY at least have the decency to get in shape. I’m neither an advocate or proponent of gay rights, but I will say at least that’s one demographic that keeps itself in shape! Oh and one more thing guys … unless you’re an Olympic swimmer or diver, save the speedo for UNDER the clothing.

The same goes to women about thongs. Thongs should not be made in plus sizes. I was behind a behemoth of a woman at Walmart the other day, and she was buying thong panty liners. If your thong can double as a bungee cord for a midget, you are too damn fat to wear one!

Please, fat people, quit showing off your flabbiness. If I see another fat person in tight clothes I am going to puke all over you. Please America, help keep this fine country beautiful by telling these flabby bastards to put some god damn clothes on!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Odd Facts

Much like Hollywood, I am out of ideas for anything original, so I felt the need to rehash my past and bring you odds facts that many of you probably do not know. Feel free to wipe your ass with this article but what the hell. I may even surprise you:

'My senior season of High School Baseball, I pitched 80+ innings, struck out 68, walked 9, and hit 12 batters (11 on purpose).

Apparently I have a bit of an ego. My catcher told this joke about me in high school:
Coach Simmons was waiting in line to get into heaven. It seemed he had been there for centuries. Up walks a little old lady, the doors part, and she walks right in.
Coach calls to St. Peter, "What's going on, I have been waiting forever?"
St. Peter explains that was Mother Theresa and she did several great works on Earth so she gets the express line.
After another eternity of waiting, Coach Simmons sees a little old man walk up to the gates, the doors open, and he walks right in. Once again Coach inquires only to be told "That's Gandhi, he did a lot of great things on Earth, so he gets the express line."
Finally, Coach Simmons looks over in horror as Reed goes walking by the line, the gates part, and he walks right in.
Coach is beside himself. "What is going on? You can't tell me that Reed gets the express line to heaven also???"
St. Peter, chuckles and says "Oh no, that was God. He was just pretending that he's Reed."

I have never seen "Titanic" and am proud.

Once during a gradeschool basketball game (I was in 7th grade), I started a brawl with an opposing team that had parents coming out of the stands to break it up.

When I was a child, I watched "Star Wars" nearly 300 times. Anyone wonder how I made it as a web developer?

I am an award-winning poet, essay, and short story writer. That and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee in some places.

Once, to prove how a good repuation would sell bad poetry, I submitted and had published "Lifelong Plutonic Love and a Ruinous Tritheist". A poem I created by randomly flipping pages in a dictionary. I liken it to "art work" where idiots throw paint at a canvas.

I turned down an offer to attend West Point. Still kicking myself in the head over that one; though - in fairness - I would probably be getting my ass shot off in Afghanistan, Iraq, or soon-to-be-invaded Iran.

I am one of the few people who does not believe Pat Tillman's death was neither heroic nor noble, but selfish, reckless, and avoidable. He was recently married and had a child; running off to play super-hero is something you do BEFORE you have a family not after.

Once in a crowded restaurant, there were people behind me with a very loud child who was old enough to know better. When I went to leave I told them "Don't worry about the noise, I have a retarded cousin." They were flabbergasted and told me - very angrily - "He is not retarded!" At which point I turned to the child and said "You'll be ok, my cousin has retarded parents" ... and walked out.

From 21 to 25, I always left a box in my underwear drawer with $300 cash in it. The words on the box? Bail Money.

I have an IQ of 161 ... unless I am drinking. Which explains why I had a daughter out of wedlock with a bitch so god damn fat you could fake the moon landing on her ass.

Notre Dame lost, USC plays for championship, the Bears get a home playoff game ... piss off wankers!