Sunday, May 04, 2008

Tips for Criminals

If you're going to commit a crime, here are a few helpful hints I learned while watching "Cops".

Dress the Part
Brothers - Pull up your damn pants and dress the part when you are going to commit crime. Think about accesorizing by wearing a fucking belt to keep your baggy pants from falling off in case of a foot pursuit. Remember, style means nothing if you're getting pounded in the ass in prison.

White guys - There is a reason they call it a wife beater. Wearing a wife-beater = instant jail duing a domestic dispute. The only other way you can look more guilty is if you decide to go shirtless.

Things not to Say
"It's not mine" or the ever popular "I'm holding it for a friend." This is how you separate the criminals from the criminally stupid. Either of these phrases instantly tells police they are dealing with a complete fucktard. If you are truly holding drugs, weapons, etc. for a friend, then you deserve not only to go to jail but wear a "I'm fucking stupid" tattoo on your forehead for life. It's not that hard to figure out that you're lying, so try a better story.

"I only had one beer." Yes, the police pulled you over to commend you on your excellent driving skills while weaving in and out of your lane, running stop lights, or - in general - driving like an unlicensed 3-year old.

"What did I do officer?" Yes, this is a great ploy. Act totally shocked when caught red-handed committing a crime. Forget the fact that you have an arm-full of stolen DVD's, standing 10-feet from a broken window of the local Best Buy. You are completely taken unawares as to why you'd be stopped and handcuffed.

Know Your Role
Don't threaten the police or try to fight them. They LIVE for that shit. Some guy with a small dick and a Napoleon-complex would LOVE, absolutey LOVE to fuck you up with their night stick. Oh, and if you got a weapon that's double score lotto bonus for them!

You are a criminal not their buddy. Trying to kiss the cop's ass just gets them off on their power trip. These guys aren't going to fall in love with you or want to go drinking later. Ass-kissing strokes their ego all the way to when they throw your dumbass in jail.

Quit begging. Not only are officers not going to give in to your whiny little bitch ass, you're going to lose any street cred you may have by pleading your hardships to the police. It's the equivalent of the crack-head from Menace II Society telling K-Dawg "Man, I'll suck your dick." Sure the consequences aren't as drastic but for the love of god - MAN UP!

These are just a few tips to help our my lawful readers. Granted, most people who read this blog are more likely to be Gitmo'd then actually be taken down for something like a garden-variety crime but you never know. One last word of advice: wear two pairs of boxers at all time. When you go into county you'll need to wash your drawers in the sink to stay hygenic. If you're waiting for your ONLY pair of boxers to dry, you're gonna look like a gay ATM to hardened\hard-on'd criminals.

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Saturday, May 03, 2008

High School Musical

Since my children are young, they asked me to get them High School Musical so they could watch it. Jesus, I'd rather have nails shoved in my eyes by a love-drunk Kathy Bates ala Misery. After having to sit through this movie, I came to the conclusion that Hollywood hates America. Seriously, what the fuck was the pitch meeting like at that piece of shit?

Pitchman: OK are you ready for this. We want to make 90210 the movie only with singing and 80% gayer!
Exec: You have my full attention.

The only non-gay thing to come out of this were the high-res pictures of Vanessa Hudgens doing a full frontal. I'll be in my bunk.

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