Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Santa Responds

So I think the mailman screwed up or was having a little fun. Yesterday, I went out to my mailbox and found my normal mail but also some letters addressed to Santa. I figure, the fat man has a lot going this year so I better answer for him.

Santa,what do you do if you get burnt going down a chimney? Do wear fire-proof clothes or child-proof clothes?
Tobiasz, 11, Ferndown, United Kingdom

Let me get this straight? You're gonna light a fire in your chimney when you know I'm on my way? No I don't wear fire-proof clothes, I just skip your house and maybe burn it the fuck down on my way back out of town. Jesus, do you let out your rotweiler loose when the UPS truck pulls up? Well do you, ya limey little bastard?

Can you come to my house Christmas eve when were opening presents like you did when I was a baby.
Scott, 7, Norwalk, California

Sorry, Scott, I wish I could but your mommy gave me a raging case of the clap. Mrs. Clause was pissed and I was out on my ass for a couple weeks.

I think its rather suspicious how you get around the world so quickly and all the time zones of the world meet at the North Pole, where you live!
Alan, 24, Fargo, North Dakota

I think it's very suspicious a 24-yo closeted, homosexual would be mailing Santa Claus. And judging from your wishlist of butt plugs and homo-erotic videos, I doubt I'll by stoppin' by your house anytime soon unless that little fag Driller gets hardup.

You are so kewl i mean you are really smart, I bet you got 100% on every report card.
Chad, 12, Calgary, Alberta

Oh Christ, I can't even begin to tell you how fucking stupid your letter is. When Santa got report cards he had A's and B's on them not percentage points you dolt. What are you some home-schooled, fucking retard? Oh wait, you're Canadian. All is explained.

O.K I wish that many people should not be so racism ,thats my wish for all the people out there!!
Katharina, 17, Wiggins, Mississippi

That's wonderful Katharina, and when I get around to granting wishes to fucking retarded kids I'll put you first on the list. You're 17 and can barely write legibly? Jesus, do yourself a favor and find some nice black guy with a huge dick to knock you up and so you can spend your life on welfare. Stupid fucking cracker.

My Daddy says that my halo is still in the shop. They had to order extra parts because it needed so many repairs but it should be ready for Chrismas!
Sara, 10, Hamilton, Ontario

Well, Sara it sounds like your daddy is just a big a douchebag as you. Since I don't reward delusional little crotch-fruit like yourself, I'll just have to shit in your stocking and cockpunch your daddy. Sweet dreams princess.

Why can't we email your elves? I think its because they are alyays busy with the presents.
Carlene, 9, Depew, New York

That's a very good question Carlene and since you asked so nicely I'll tell you. There are no such things as elves. All of my toys are made in Bengladeshi sweat shops. Elves are too fucking expensive to pay and pretty faggy too boot.

Don't forget to feed the reigndeer it's a long trip to my home
Vicente, 11, San Fernando, Philippines

Unfortunately, I did that last year. Sorry about that but your family was the only thing I had handy. How's the orphanage?

I'm moving on Dec. 21st. Please call my daddy for directions if you don't know where my house is.
Ashley, 5, Ladera Ranch, California

Sorry, Ashley I tried calling your daddy but his new trophy wife answered. She said you're kinda a little cunt and that if I skip your house, she'll give me a blowjob. Welcome to the real world kid.

merry xmas and dont get drunk xmas eve because if you get drunk and drive the sliegh you might crash.
Jenna, 10, Tasmania, Australia

... or even worse, I could conceive a know-it-all, smart-ass little twat like you who I'll hate forever much like the disdain your parents have for you. (Sorry, that may be the Wild Turkey talking)

Hi Santa, This is Jordan's mom, I told Jordan that she needs to act a little nicer if she wants you to come on Christmas.
Jordan, 3, Parkersburg, West Virginia

Hey there Jordan's mom, I certainly remember you being awfully naughty last year. Wasn't that you who gang-fucked half the guys in the mail room at your company's x-mas party? Tell Jordan not to fret ... and just like last year, don't worry about the chimney, I'll cum in your backdoor.

I'll get to bed early so you can stop at my house and stay on schedule. You have some major traveling to do.
Star, 8, Fishers, Indiana

That's very thoughtful of you but with a name like Star you probably live in one of those damn hippy communes. The smell of ganja and b.o. really puts off the reindeer and no fucking picnic for Santa either. Maybe your parents can make you a new hemp dress and buy you some crystals. Good look being a drain on society for the next 50-60 years of your life.

I have been a little naughty this year but heah you know nobody is perfect! well except that little girl in the movie a wonderful life... but she was just acting.
Kelly, 14, Vancouver, British Columbia

Hmmm, fourteen and a "naughty" little-girl, eh? Yeah, I'm gonna show up with a whole bunch of fucking presents and Chris Hansen's gonna be sitting on your couch with a fucking camera pointed at the fire place. Better luck next year, cock-blocker!

I wish that I was good. I promise to be very very good. I gave a whole dollar to the Salvation Army today.
Mohammed, 6, Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Hey kid, who we kiddin'? With a name like Mohammed that moeny ain't going to an "army" but Hezbollah. I tell you what, I'll bring you a brand new chemistry set and you promise not to go all jihad on me and the reindeers? We got a deal?

My mom saw an elf peeking in our window last night. we have been watching for pointy elf hats now.
Emily, 5, Rochester, New York

Oh, Emily, that wasn't an elf. All elves are up in the north pole making presents for children all around the world. That was the boogeyman. You see, he preys on single-mom's and their trusting children during this time of the year. You think it's an elf until he's knawing off your face while sodomizing your mother with his three-pronged, barbed penis. My advice, lock the doors and pray for a quick death.

OK, that was just the first batch I went through. Man I am so full of holiday spirit right now I feel like drop kicking Salvation Army volunteers until my legs get sore.

Ho-ho-ho biatches.

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Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Note: With regards to the guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

You all thought he was dead. The season along with it. And then comes Sunday when the Sex Cannon ... 210-lbs of twisted steal and sex appeal ... came off the bench and showed that the dragon is not dead. You can't slay the dragon. A beautiful 59-yard bomb to Bernard Berrian and the Chicago fans were in Rextasy. I think even Berrian came a little bit when he caught it.

That's right, the Sex Cannon is back and all signs point to him making all the Rexettes and Seattle cheerleaders all wet this week. You want the dragon? You want the dragon? You can't handle the dragon! You want him in that huddle! You need him in that huddle!

The season was almost dead. We were on life support and our beloved Sex Cannon came off the bench, grabbed the season by the throat, and raped life back into the motherfucker. That's the way it's done in the sexy business!

Behold Chicago. The playoffs are waiting. I believe. This is our Rex-erection!

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Saturday, November 03, 2007

Dog the Bounty Hunter

If you haven't seen all the things going on with Duane "Dog" Chapman, look it up and then come back. For those of you who do know what's going on, read on.

There has been a lot of debate lately in internet message boards and the media about "Dog" and whether he's a racist or not. After reading the full conversation with his son, realizing it was a terse exchange, and seeing the aftermath, I have come to a couple conclusions.

First, the use of the word "nigger" in regards to Tucker's girlfriend seems completely appropriate for her AND Tucker. What kind of douchebag would tape his own father and use that to not only profit but hurt his entire family. It's not just Dog he sold out, it's his stepmother, his uncles, his brothers and sisters both young and old.

Second, the "that's racist" horde that comes out in droves from these things are not only frighteningly stupid but old-reliable predictable. A&E needs to fire Dog, they should be boycotted, et al. Why? Because of a word. I guess if Dog had been talking about "hymietown" or catching the "white devil" or splittin' some "cracker's" head, this wouldn't have even been a blip on the radar.

Some interesting messages I came accross, paraphrased:

"Dog was wrong and if I was Tucker I would have done the same thing!"
This is pretty prevalent or some version of it. It's not surprising that in a "me-first" society of douchebags do we find people with this reaction. If my daddy hurts my widdle feelings I'm gonna take it out on my entire family because I am a special little snow flake. Get Fucked!

"Dog is a racist murderer and he's getting what he deserves!"
Yeah, basically saying "nigger" in a heated exchanged has magically wiped out all of the good this guy has done. The years he served for murder - which he maintains his innocence - and being the posterboy for rehabilitation means nothing when you use a racial epitath no matter how appropriate the use of the word was. His honors from law enforcement. His capture of Andrew Luster. The hundreds of people who credit him for helping them get off drugs. Yeah, he's a racist so none of that matters, let's just stone him.

"Good. I hate that guy. His show sucks. I want to reach in the tv in rip his throat out."
This is a very common theme. What amazes me in this day and age there are still thousands of people without DVRs, or tivos, or - seemingly - REMOTE FUCKING CONTROLS.

I could go on but it's too easy to bash the stupid. Regardless, though I am disappointed in this situation, Dog's private conversation has little to no bearing on how I perceive him. Some people will disagree and some will use this as an opening to try and tear down the man. Those are the true racists and hate-mongers.

Hang in there, brah.

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