Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Headlines for November 29th, 2005

Study: buttock fat makes injections less effective
Also makes reaching climax 50% less likely for your sex partner.

Bush Cites Tools to Fight Illegal Immigration
As people realized for years by our non-existent border control - the INS are "Tools".

Video Footage Show Four Western Peace Activists Kidnapped
In the HA-FUCKING-HA department, stupid hippies find out their peace mission to "save" those who hate us, results in those who hate us, hating them as much as we hate them ... or more.

Bush: Early Iraq Exit Would Be a Mistake
Not say, as big as a mistake as doctoring intelligence and invading Iraq in the first place, but it maybe, possibly, could be a mistake ... or not.

Detroit Tunnel to Canada Closed for 2 Hours After Power Loss
The only reason this made the news is because no one really cared during that 2 hours.

Lifsaving Technique To Be Changed
Now to be referred to as the life extending, possibly do nothing technique.

Peanut allergy kills Canadian teen after kiss
Great, yet another reason women can weasel their way out of giving you a teabag.

Cunningham plea sheds light on extreme case of corruption
The Fonz saddened by Conspiracy-amundo.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Headlines for Monday, November 28th, 2005

EU May Suspend Nations With Secret Prisons
Nations to be held on "double-secret probation" until then according to spokesman Dean Wormer.

China Aims to Put Man on Moon by 2020
Looks to make "one giant reap for mankind."

What Madonna Really Wants to Do Is Direct
She can't act or sing, so sure .. why not.

Ex-Cowboy Irvin Arrested on Drug Charge
Michael "Felonymaker" Irvin back at it again. It's probably just a misunderstanding like his previous convictions.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Pilgrims, Turkey, and Strip Clubs

I am pretty sure that centuries ago the first thanksgiving went something like this ...

"Henceforth, tomorrow on the Thursday, November 24th in the year of our lord, we shall meet with our Indian friends and share our thanks. A thanks for giving. Also, be it said that no man shall work tomorrow ... or the Friday after. Be it further said, that since we get a 4 day weekend, we all go drink ale until we can't see straight and then fill the following day with beer shits, over eating, watching the Cowboys suck and the Lions lose, and getting piss ass drunk all over again. Amen."

Since when did the night before thanksgiving become the biggest party night on the planet? Let's think about this. The night before your family get together, go out as late as possible and get stupid drunk. Now, we hang out with a bunch of family that you hate - and more than likely hates you - while nursing your hangover and blaming the dog every time those toxic fumes from Montezuma's revenge escapes your puckered asshole. Seriously, I remember one year when I let one loose right at the dinner table and wiped out three aunts, the dog, and we had to replace the wall paper.

So what do you get to look forward to? Eating turkey until you fall into a coma. That's probably the only good thing about thanksgiving dinner. You have to deal with the half-wits and inbreds you call family but at least there is Trictophan. That shit is better than washing down an ambien with nyquil and Jack Daniels.

Here is a quick list of what I was thankful for this year:
Strip Clubs
Soccer Moms
and everything else that should be shot, blown up, or just plain Kavorkian'd.

Fuck Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Headlines for November 23rd, 2005

Spacecraft Lands Successfully on Asteroid
No word yet if Bruce Willis has been able to drill down 900 feet and save the planet.

Bogus E-Mails Contain New 'Sober' Worm
E-mails purportedly brain wash you into drinking Bud Light making you wish you were sober.

'Megachurches' draw big crowds
Walmart finally "goes too far."

Police Hit Man in Genitals With Taser
Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ...

Sunni Leader Slain at Home in Iraq
The U.S. Army: 30 minutes or less to Allah or your next Jihad is free.

Liberian Woman Confirmed As President
Headline 30 minutes later: Liberia engulfed in massive civil war

Definition of South, Southern Is Changing
South definition "toward 'Bama"; Southern definition "redneckian".

Women Spend 60 Days in Bed for Research
Hell man, my brother-in-law spent 60 days in bed and it wasn't for shit.

Study Links Cancer Radiation, Fractures
Study also finds Radiation #1 cause of Super Heroes.

Former teacher gets probation for sex with student
Former student gets high-fives and phone numbers from other male and female students respectively.

Catholic school fires pregnant, unwed teacher
Cites precedence from previous law of "Inn Keepers vs. Mary and her little bastard".

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Random Musings IV

Ever had to take a shit so bad you leave brown stains in your underwear and feel the need to wipe 5 hours after the transaction? Yeah, me neither.

The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a train making the situation exponentially worse. Worship the dark.

Why is that God purportedly only “talks” to assholes and people off the deep end? Seriously, you would think God would talk to someone besides a televangelist or a nut job.

I want to start a new reality show called “Shit-Canned”. Each week, I get to go to some executive producer of a shitty reality tv series and kick the ever-lovin’ shit out of him. When I’m done I get to say “Oh yeah, your boss called. Your show is cancelled and you’re out of a job. Enjoy serving my kids fries you no-talent loser.” THEN, I get to go to his boss’s house and do the same thing just working up the food chain.

New flight rule: No more racial profiling of Arabs when doing security screens at airports. I am tired of hearing all the bitching. Instead, all Arabs will fly together without any other races, nationalities, etc. with the exception of members of the ACLU. You don’t want to be hassled, you don’t want profiling … great! Here’s your plane. Good luck and say "hi" to Allah for me.

You know what really grinds my gears? When you’re doing 40mph down a two-lane road and some jackoff decides they need to hurry up and pull out in front of you. They then proceed to do 20mph for about 2-3 blocks and then turn. If I had a bazooka the world would be a much better place.

I just saw where Ford has to pay the family of a killed motorist $61 million because the Explorer he was in flipped over and killed him and the driver. THE DRIVER FELL ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL and lost control of the car when he momentarily awoke and tried to right it. If the dumb fuck had only hit a bridge embankment Ford could have pocketed the cash … or the family would have sued the Department of Transportation because those bridge embankments can jump out at you.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Crystal Reports is for Losers

This week I spent "on-loan" to a different manager. The project: creating reports using .NET, SQL Server, and Crystal Reports. To be honest, I’d rather be fondled by a gaggle of Catholic Priests. If there is anything I hate more than Oracle (and Oracle DBA’s) it’s working with Crystal Reports. Hell, it’s working on reports. Hence the reason JM’s Roman used to do all of the reports and I did all the fun stuff. Crystal Reports be damned!

Next week, back into the swing of actual Web work. Also, I am getting closer to convincing my manager – and then the CIO – that we need to redevelop our precision farming software. I proposed doing this because 1) the current company they turned to sucks major donkey cock, and 2) I have an actual business plan so that it would be more than worth our while to re-program and re-deploy it.

OK, here are some things that made me laugh this week:

In 1996, Charles Barkley was involved in an altercation with a man on the second story of a night club. Barkley threw the man through a plate-glass window onto the street below. Later asked if he had any regrets, Barkley contended “Yeah. I regret we weren’t on a higher floor.”
A joke by Emo Philips:
A Mormon friend of mine told be “Mormons can’t drink coffee.”
I told him “A cup of coffee a day has some wonderful benefits.”
“Like what?” he asked.
I told him, “Well, for one it keeps you from being Mormon.”

On the Simpson’s, Marge confronted Homer as to where his new-found money was coming from. Homer replied, “Marge, I won’t lie to you.” … and then walked away.

BTW, all of my football knowledge I gleaned from both Jesse Jackson and Ralph Nader. If you don’t know, these two have implored the Philadelphia Eagles to reinstate suspended wide receiver, and all-time NFL douche bag, Terrel Owens. What’s funny is that if only Owens had gone to one of the 20-some other NFL teams with a white QB, he could have played the race card.

Tom Griswold of “Bob and Tom” had the greatest line I have ever heard about going to meetings. “Oh good, a power point presentation. You’ve taken your stupidity and put it on the wall.”

I am offering a reward for anyone who will find an engineer who works at Business Objects and repeatedly kick them in the nuts ...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

FugLee or Not FugLee?

Because we live in a democracy, I thought this matter should be taken to a vote. And since half-dozens of people check my blog each month, I figure chances are I can find a couple of Non-Floridians to cast their ballot. Recently, I referred to this it-thing as "Fugly". In droves - ok there were like 2 - people came to her defense. She even felt the need to blog about it because - well - what else are you going to do when you look like that ... although the comment link was conspicuously missing from that one.

Please understand that I had to link to FugLee's site to bring the pictures to life. First, I tried hosting them on this page, but my web browser kept trying to uninstall itself. I then tried uploading them to the server, but I kept getting a "File 80085 - Content too fucking ugly for consumption" error message.

I then decided to be open-minded, so I made an exhaustive effort to get reaction from people close to FugLee. Asked about her best feature, an ex-boyfriend (ok it was her only boyfriend and we're pretty sure he's fully out of the closet now) told us "the two bags she wears over her head during sex."

So anyway, I wanted to allow America to rock the vote so I provided links and captions for when a picture can't say 1,000 words.

First let's meet FugLee
... and speaking of FugLee, I have seen shitty diapers more handsome than that couple.

Here is a great shot of FugLee sunning herself in Alaska.
... where's an Eskimo with a club when you need one?

Here's FugLee in Jamaica (the one on the right). Thanks to this picture alone, Catholic priests recently voted her site #1 in America!
... as they can look at the body of a 12-year old boy without any of the guilt!

Feel free to vote and anyone who doesn't like my blog can lick a baboon's hemrhoid infested ass ... that might be ugly, but it's not quite FugLee!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Headlines for November 16th, 2005

Texas town renames itself 'Dish' to get free TV
Neighboring cities Dumbass and Shit-for-Brains still looking for better offers.

Senate Group Unveils Oil-Saving Plan
Plan includes levelling mid-east into a parking lot and then building a pipeline straight into Texas.

Bill Clinton Calls Iraq 'Big Mistake'
Bush fires back calling Lewinksy "Just Plain Big".

Grizzlies Near Yellowstone May Lose Status
Grizzlies blame economy, lack of residual checks from Yogi Bear, and Vancouver.

Roche, Gilead End Dispute Over Tamiflu
In the "try pronouncing this shit" part of the news ...

Oprah Regrets Her 1988 Liquid Diet
Finds that Martinis and Daiquiris just make you drunk and fatter.

Newell Polishes Potter's 'Goblet'
Potter's stones soon to follow ... oh wait, that's what Michael Jackson wants to do.

Finally, the greatest love story ever.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Headlines for Novermber 12th, 2005

Bored and looking to amuse myself for 15-minutes, I checked MSN and Yahoo! and - as always - they did not disappoint ...

Jordan fingers Al-Qaeda in Iraq
Embarassed "New Kid on the Block" issues statment claiming he was both "drunk" and "disoriented". Al-Qaeda upset he won't return calls.

Gay Priests Struggle With Vatican's Rules
Are you fucking joking me? What's that conversation like?
"Let's see, no sex for priests gay or straight."
"Oh wait, but what if I want to bugger little boys."
"Well, that's not fair."

California May Build Tunnel in Quake Region
In the "what could possibly go wrong with this?" part of the news ...

U.N. Immunizes Kids in Pakistan Quake Zone
This is part of the controversial "medicine for u-hauls" program ...

Now that I don't have Yahoo! IM at work, am reading a lot more news. Conclusion: there are A LOT of shitty writers out there and even more ignorant people making "news".

Friday, November 11, 2005

Headlines for November 11, 2005

Sometimes, you are a headline and it make's you go ... "What the fuck?"

Expert: Suicide-Bomb Couple May Be a First
Caught in a dead-end relationship? Tired of your wife and her constant nagging? There's a new alternative!

Bush Forcefully Attacks Iraq Critics
President Bush not done trying to take over the world. Sets his sites on defenseless hippies and pacifists.

France bans weekend meetings in Paris
Hilton forced to do her whoring midweek now.

Woman Robs Banks While on Her Cell Phone
Probably that same bitch driving the SUV who cut me off yesterday on I-74.

United to Hire 2,000 Flight Attendants
Oil supplies are short, but bitchy flight attendants are on the rise.

Evidence of Huge Ancient Crocodile Found
Remannts of Cro-Magnon Steve Irwin found in stomach.

Baby Panda at San Diego Zoo Named Su Lin
My turd from last night's LaBamba burrito named Gumby. Who gives a fuck?

Senior Citizen Bloggers Defy Stereotypes
Stereotype: Old = Dead ... wait no he's just blogging. Old = Brain Dead?

FDA Proposes More Specific Condom Labels
Finally news I can get behind. For those of you who do not know what a condom is or how to use it, the FDA is taking steps so that you cannot infect the rest of us with your galactic stupidity in the form of offspring.

Now get back to work!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Celebrity News

Since we all love celebs so much and feel the need to follow their every move with Entertainment Tonight, E!, and even ESPN Hollywood (which makes me want to castrate every ESPN programming exec) I decided that I will turn my blog over to celebrity news to help people follow the comings (or is it cummings?) and goings of their favorite celebs.

Tom Cruise tries to squash rumors of his own homosexuality by having a night on the town with NFL quarterbacks Tim Couch and Jeff Garcia.
Headline: Cruise jumps on Couch; Garcia Lion

Angelina Jolie - known for practically molesting her own brother two years ago during an awards show - caught in kinky threesome with Zeke the tire changer and Billy Bob the squishy guy at the local Walmart.
Headline: White Trash Girl Interrupted

Edward James Almos gives a long, boring lecture at the World Series in their tribute to the All-Lation team. Amazingly enough, latinos dominate the MLB AND are quickly outgorwing blacks as the United State's second most ethnic group whiel this year's world series was the lowest rated ever. Any coincidence they would have this "tribute" at such a time?
Headline: Grandstand and Deliver

Heidi Klum is in trouble. After having her first child, Klum is in trouble for child abuse observed on a private beach where her and boyfriend - singer/songwriter Seal - own their summer home.Headline: Klum clubs baby Seal

Friday, November 04, 2005

Sometimes the Stars Align

Every now and again, the stars align just right, karma gives you a hand job, or maybe you’re just stupid lucky. Today was that day. In a true story (look it up on ESPN if you must) Arkansas Razorback’s Coach Houston Nutt has decided to replace QB Bryan Johnson. Getting the start will be redshirt freshman Casey Dick in this week’s game against the South Carolina Gamecocks.

The Northwestern Arkansas Gazette’s headline: Nutt replaces Johnson for Dick against ‘Cocks

My Headline: Nutt sacks Johnson – Fresh Dick faces ‘Cocks

I love life and yet still despise everyone else including fat, 45-year old, Dungeons and Dragons groupies … wait those last 3 adjectives were all redundant.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

10 Easy Targets for an Ass-Kicking Good Time!

Want to prove you’re a man but don’t want to get hurt in the process? That’s easy, find any one of these guys and exert your ass-whoopin’ authority!

1. Any "guy" who is a feminist.
Be warned, if you get in trouble 1) you are an enormous pussy and have already shamed anyone whose ever known you and 2) do not try to kick him in the family jewels as they are - more than likely - tucked safely away in his wife’s purse. If his femi-nazi wife is nearby kick her purse as hard as you can and you’ll drop him for sure. If she’s not, your better off trying the old Jedi mind trick by yelling “I’m a transsexual, quit hurting me woman hater”. To this, he will probably crumple into a ball and begin sobbing like a pussy which will give you ample time to find a 2x4 to finish the job.

2. Any wigger.
The problem with this is that these little pieces of crap are usually only 16 so make sure you give them a good beating so they won’t rat you out to the cops afterward. Look for any Hanson look-alike wearing a FUBU shirt and that’s your target. You get double points if they actually call each other “nigga” when they are standing around waiting for mom to pick them up from whatever mall or fast food establishment they are loitering at. Make sure while you beat them, repeat over and over “you are not black … your name is Toby … you live in the suburbs!”

3. Goths.
Wow, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. In case you don’t know what a “goth” is, these are the make-up wearing, dressed in black, “depressed” little pussies who believe they are intelligent and unique … apparently being unique makes you hang out with a bunch of other fags and dress in the same exact way. Show them the error of their ways by beating them half to death; afterwards, point out the fact that if they were intelligent or unique, they would know that dressing up like a Rocky Horror Picture Show extra in mourning is just begging to get your ass kicked.

4. Old People.
Old people are slow, dull, and not very bright … oh yeah, and as you get older you lose your peripheral vision so they’ll never see your flying dragon, sucker punch coming. The best target is those that drive so fucking slow you could have a five year old jump out of your car and run up next to them to explain where the GAS PEDAL IS! Just follow some slow fuck around – be warned this could take days – and wait for them to park at a Walmart, CVS, or Walgreens … then it’s all over but the ASS-WHOOPIN’! Remember, these fuckers just took precious minutes off of your life by driving 5 mph in the fast lane or taking three hours to decide to turn left at a stop sign, SHOW NO MERCY!

5. Mimes.
Oh man, do I love to kick the shit out of a mime. Hey asshole, let’s see how well you walk against the wind with my boot in your ass! The best time to open up a can of whoop ass is when these fuckers get stuck in that little box. The walls keep closing in and they just get more and more trapped until … WHAM! A flying side kick breaks open the box and they go falling out blood, white makeup, and all. Don’t worry about the police or onlookers, just hold up a sign that says “When Mimes go bad!”, then they’ll think you’re a mime too! If the guy starts crying or cussing, just yell “Shut up Fred, you’re ruining the show!” while people laugh and applaud!

6. Jesus Freaks.
Anyone who feels the need to accost you in a public place about Jesus, Buddha, Allah, or any other fucking religious icon falls into this category. This includes Jehovah’s Witness who will actually come to your home just to get their ass kicked. I for one, never fail to disappoint. Some people hide in their own homes when these cocksuckers come around, but not me. I throw a party. I show up to the door, chuck a bottle of Colt .45 at them and then start beating them over the head with a copy of “The Watch Tower”. They’re always shocked when it happens which I do not get? I remember a whole lot of Bible stories but I don’t remember any of them where Jesus and the boys went knocking door to door giving out shitty literature. It would be like Rush Limbaugh coming to my door trying to give me one of his shitty books. Man, that would be sweet, though … I just hope it’s a hard back!

7. Debt Collectors.
Talk about low-lifes. These fuckers will do anything it takes to bug the hell out of you whether it’s calling every person you’ve known since kindergarten or threatening law suits. Alll of them go by “Mister Such-and-Such” when they call to try to give themselves a false sense of importance. Here’s what I do. 1) Get there phone number so you can call them at their office. 2) Next trace the phone number to the site of their office. 3) Show up the following day and just randomly kick the shit out of everyone entering or exiting that office. It’s usually very easy to spot these guys: look for the loser with cheap clothes, no talent, and a sign around their neck that reads “I can’t make it in the corporate world and got fired from over a dozen fast food jobs”. I prefer two methods of ass-whoopin’ for these pieces of human fecal matter: 1) a donkey punch to the base of the skull which can induce coma or death if done properly, and 2) a hammer to the skull repeated by blows to the hands and fingers so they can’t pick up another telephone. Actually, let’s have a contest and see who can be the most creative … extra points for pictures of your handy work!

8 Midgets and Dwarves.
If God really liked them, he would have made them normal size and not freaks for our amusement. Don’t be fooled however and just rush in blindly, they may look like children but some of them are as wiry as a carnival drifter. Make sure to wear a cup and possibly shin guards before taking on a midget. Once you’ve armored up below the waist, you’ll be ready for an ass-kickin’ good time. The best move you can do is grab them by the legs and shake them like a beach towel, preferably snapping their head into an oak tree with each shake.

9. Trekkies.
These jackasses spend so much time memorizing useless trivia, buying figurines, and learning valuable languages like Klingon, that they forgot that the real reason Star Trek was good is because it was about American’s kicking ass all around the galaxy. It’s amazing how one group can adopt all of the faggy stuff from a good TV show and forget the whole premise: Captain Kirk kicking intergalactic ass and chasing tail. All the other BS was just extraneous to the message of “America will kick your ass whether you’re a Klingon from another fucking planet or just a dork wearing fake ears and making stupid signs with your fingers.” Star Trek rocks, it’s the Trekkies that need beatings in the worst way. Make sure to avoid the dorks dressed as Klingons because usually they have some kind of plastic toy to hit you with and those things sting. Go after the “Spocks” of the group, those are the true nerds who think they can knock you out with a “Vulcan” grip; if they start massaging your neck while your whooping their ass, it doesn’t (necessarily) mean they are gay – just fucking retarded.

10. Hippies.
If you can stomach it, hippies are a wonderful choice to kick the shit out of … mainly because 90% of the work is done as evidenced by their smell. I especially like the morons who demonstrate outside of public places by lying down in the street to stop traffic. Man, you talk about making my day! Line the world with Hippy speed bumps and I will die a happy man. I will sign my life over to Opec if that means I just get to drive all day long … running over hippy speed bumps ... in a humvee … with a fucking full load of iron bars and sand in the back! Be warned though, hippies are tougher than you think. Obviously they are impervious to smell or any biological attack, so go straight for the fire hose. Man, a good fire hosing works great. First, you get rid of that shitty ganja and B.O. smell and you get to smash them into walls with the water stream if you time it right. Other than that a simple hand-to-hippy face smashing is just as appropriate, but be warned: wear gloves and – if feasible – a gas mask.

That’s all for now. Want to feel like a real man than start kicking the shit out of these poseurs today! Look for my next article on how to evolve into a real man when you step it up a notch and take on Action film stars, guys in wheel chairs, and Star Wars fans dressed like Darth Vader!