Sunday, November 27, 2005

Pilgrims, Turkey, and Strip Clubs

I am pretty sure that centuries ago the first thanksgiving went something like this ...

"Henceforth, tomorrow on the Thursday, November 24th in the year of our lord, we shall meet with our Indian friends and share our thanks. A thanks for giving. Also, be it said that no man shall work tomorrow ... or the Friday after. Be it further said, that since we get a 4 day weekend, we all go drink ale until we can't see straight and then fill the following day with beer shits, over eating, watching the Cowboys suck and the Lions lose, and getting piss ass drunk all over again. Amen."

Since when did the night before thanksgiving become the biggest party night on the planet? Let's think about this. The night before your family get together, go out as late as possible and get stupid drunk. Now, we hang out with a bunch of family that you hate - and more than likely hates you - while nursing your hangover and blaming the dog every time those toxic fumes from Montezuma's revenge escapes your puckered asshole. Seriously, I remember one year when I let one loose right at the dinner table and wiped out three aunts, the dog, and we had to replace the wall paper.

So what do you get to look forward to? Eating turkey until you fall into a coma. That's probably the only good thing about thanksgiving dinner. You have to deal with the half-wits and inbreds you call family but at least there is Trictophan. That shit is better than washing down an ambien with nyquil and Jack Daniels.

Here is a quick list of what I was thankful for this year:
Strip Clubs
Soccer Moms
and everything else that should be shot, blown up, or just plain Kavorkian'd.

Fuck Thanksgiving.


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