Friday, November 18, 2005

Crystal Reports is for Losers

This week I spent "on-loan" to a different manager. The project: creating reports using .NET, SQL Server, and Crystal Reports. To be honest, I’d rather be fondled by a gaggle of Catholic Priests. If there is anything I hate more than Oracle (and Oracle DBA’s) it’s working with Crystal Reports. Hell, it’s working on reports. Hence the reason JM’s Roman used to do all of the reports and I did all the fun stuff. Crystal Reports be damned!

Next week, back into the swing of actual Web work. Also, I am getting closer to convincing my manager – and then the CIO – that we need to redevelop our precision farming software. I proposed doing this because 1) the current company they turned to sucks major donkey cock, and 2) I have an actual business plan so that it would be more than worth our while to re-program and re-deploy it.

OK, here are some things that made me laugh this week:

In 1996, Charles Barkley was involved in an altercation with a man on the second story of a night club. Barkley threw the man through a plate-glass window onto the street below. Later asked if he had any regrets, Barkley contended “Yeah. I regret we weren’t on a higher floor.”
A joke by Emo Philips:
A Mormon friend of mine told be “Mormons can’t drink coffee.”
I told him “A cup of coffee a day has some wonderful benefits.”
“Like what?” he asked.
I told him, “Well, for one it keeps you from being Mormon.”

On the Simpson’s, Marge confronted Homer as to where his new-found money was coming from. Homer replied, “Marge, I won’t lie to you.” … and then walked away.

BTW, all of my football knowledge I gleaned from both Jesse Jackson and Ralph Nader. If you don’t know, these two have implored the Philadelphia Eagles to reinstate suspended wide receiver, and all-time NFL douche bag, Terrel Owens. What’s funny is that if only Owens had gone to one of the 20-some other NFL teams with a white QB, he could have played the race card.

Tom Griswold of “Bob and Tom” had the greatest line I have ever heard about going to meetings. “Oh good, a power point presentation. You’ve taken your stupidity and put it on the wall.”

I am offering a reward for anyone who will find an engineer who works at Business Objects and repeatedly kick them in the nuts ...


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