Wednesday, November 02, 2005

10 Easy Targets for an Ass-Kicking Good Time!

Want to prove you’re a man but don’t want to get hurt in the process? That’s easy, find any one of these guys and exert your ass-whoopin’ authority!

1. Any "guy" who is a feminist.
Be warned, if you get in trouble 1) you are an enormous pussy and have already shamed anyone whose ever known you and 2) do not try to kick him in the family jewels as they are - more than likely - tucked safely away in his wife’s purse. If his femi-nazi wife is nearby kick her purse as hard as you can and you’ll drop him for sure. If she’s not, your better off trying the old Jedi mind trick by yelling “I’m a transsexual, quit hurting me woman hater”. To this, he will probably crumple into a ball and begin sobbing like a pussy which will give you ample time to find a 2x4 to finish the job.

2. Any wigger.
The problem with this is that these little pieces of crap are usually only 16 so make sure you give them a good beating so they won’t rat you out to the cops afterward. Look for any Hanson look-alike wearing a FUBU shirt and that’s your target. You get double points if they actually call each other “nigga” when they are standing around waiting for mom to pick them up from whatever mall or fast food establishment they are loitering at. Make sure while you beat them, repeat over and over “you are not black … your name is Toby … you live in the suburbs!”

3. Goths.
Wow, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. In case you don’t know what a “goth” is, these are the make-up wearing, dressed in black, “depressed” little pussies who believe they are intelligent and unique … apparently being unique makes you hang out with a bunch of other fags and dress in the same exact way. Show them the error of their ways by beating them half to death; afterwards, point out the fact that if they were intelligent or unique, they would know that dressing up like a Rocky Horror Picture Show extra in mourning is just begging to get your ass kicked.

4. Old People.
Old people are slow, dull, and not very bright … oh yeah, and as you get older you lose your peripheral vision so they’ll never see your flying dragon, sucker punch coming. The best target is those that drive so fucking slow you could have a five year old jump out of your car and run up next to them to explain where the GAS PEDAL IS! Just follow some slow fuck around – be warned this could take days – and wait for them to park at a Walmart, CVS, or Walgreens … then it’s all over but the ASS-WHOOPIN’! Remember, these fuckers just took precious minutes off of your life by driving 5 mph in the fast lane or taking three hours to decide to turn left at a stop sign, SHOW NO MERCY!

5. Mimes.
Oh man, do I love to kick the shit out of a mime. Hey asshole, let’s see how well you walk against the wind with my boot in your ass! The best time to open up a can of whoop ass is when these fuckers get stuck in that little box. The walls keep closing in and they just get more and more trapped until … WHAM! A flying side kick breaks open the box and they go falling out blood, white makeup, and all. Don’t worry about the police or onlookers, just hold up a sign that says “When Mimes go bad!”, then they’ll think you’re a mime too! If the guy starts crying or cussing, just yell “Shut up Fred, you’re ruining the show!” while people laugh and applaud!

6. Jesus Freaks.
Anyone who feels the need to accost you in a public place about Jesus, Buddha, Allah, or any other fucking religious icon falls into this category. This includes Jehovah’s Witness who will actually come to your home just to get their ass kicked. I for one, never fail to disappoint. Some people hide in their own homes when these cocksuckers come around, but not me. I throw a party. I show up to the door, chuck a bottle of Colt .45 at them and then start beating them over the head with a copy of “The Watch Tower”. They’re always shocked when it happens which I do not get? I remember a whole lot of Bible stories but I don’t remember any of them where Jesus and the boys went knocking door to door giving out shitty literature. It would be like Rush Limbaugh coming to my door trying to give me one of his shitty books. Man, that would be sweet, though … I just hope it’s a hard back!

7. Debt Collectors.
Talk about low-lifes. These fuckers will do anything it takes to bug the hell out of you whether it’s calling every person you’ve known since kindergarten or threatening law suits. Alll of them go by “Mister Such-and-Such” when they call to try to give themselves a false sense of importance. Here’s what I do. 1) Get there phone number so you can call them at their office. 2) Next trace the phone number to the site of their office. 3) Show up the following day and just randomly kick the shit out of everyone entering or exiting that office. It’s usually very easy to spot these guys: look for the loser with cheap clothes, no talent, and a sign around their neck that reads “I can’t make it in the corporate world and got fired from over a dozen fast food jobs”. I prefer two methods of ass-whoopin’ for these pieces of human fecal matter: 1) a donkey punch to the base of the skull which can induce coma or death if done properly, and 2) a hammer to the skull repeated by blows to the hands and fingers so they can’t pick up another telephone. Actually, let’s have a contest and see who can be the most creative … extra points for pictures of your handy work!

8 Midgets and Dwarves.
If God really liked them, he would have made them normal size and not freaks for our amusement. Don’t be fooled however and just rush in blindly, they may look like children but some of them are as wiry as a carnival drifter. Make sure to wear a cup and possibly shin guards before taking on a midget. Once you’ve armored up below the waist, you’ll be ready for an ass-kickin’ good time. The best move you can do is grab them by the legs and shake them like a beach towel, preferably snapping their head into an oak tree with each shake.

9. Trekkies.
These jackasses spend so much time memorizing useless trivia, buying figurines, and learning valuable languages like Klingon, that they forgot that the real reason Star Trek was good is because it was about American’s kicking ass all around the galaxy. It’s amazing how one group can adopt all of the faggy stuff from a good TV show and forget the whole premise: Captain Kirk kicking intergalactic ass and chasing tail. All the other BS was just extraneous to the message of “America will kick your ass whether you’re a Klingon from another fucking planet or just a dork wearing fake ears and making stupid signs with your fingers.” Star Trek rocks, it’s the Trekkies that need beatings in the worst way. Make sure to avoid the dorks dressed as Klingons because usually they have some kind of plastic toy to hit you with and those things sting. Go after the “Spocks” of the group, those are the true nerds who think they can knock you out with a “Vulcan” grip; if they start massaging your neck while your whooping their ass, it doesn’t (necessarily) mean they are gay – just fucking retarded.

10. Hippies.
If you can stomach it, hippies are a wonderful choice to kick the shit out of … mainly because 90% of the work is done as evidenced by their smell. I especially like the morons who demonstrate outside of public places by lying down in the street to stop traffic. Man, you talk about making my day! Line the world with Hippy speed bumps and I will die a happy man. I will sign my life over to Opec if that means I just get to drive all day long … running over hippy speed bumps ... in a humvee … with a fucking full load of iron bars and sand in the back! Be warned though, hippies are tougher than you think. Obviously they are impervious to smell or any biological attack, so go straight for the fire hose. Man, a good fire hosing works great. First, you get rid of that shitty ganja and B.O. smell and you get to smash them into walls with the water stream if you time it right. Other than that a simple hand-to-hippy face smashing is just as appropriate, but be warned: wear gloves and – if feasible – a gas mask.

That’s all for now. Want to feel like a real man than start kicking the shit out of these poseurs today! Look for my next article on how to evolve into a real man when you step it up a notch and take on Action film stars, guys in wheel chairs, and Star Wars fans dressed like Darth Vader!


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