2005 StupiterMedia Office Space Awards
Hey, we all know that we are not recognized enough for our contributions, so wouldn't it be great if someone out there found us a way to celebrate the things that make us ... well ... us? So, for 2005, I would like to present the Office Space Awards to those at StupiterMedia. As always, the names have been change and are COMPLETELY fictional, so don't act like you do or do not deserve a reward because it's all fictional ... really, it is.
1) The "Here's My Flair" Award goes to ... Condoleeza Katz
Yeah, here it is. Right there. After not even bothering to try to 1) talk to me after I put in my notice or 2) not living up to anything you told me prior ... whoomp, there it is. I just wish I had more hands and - thus - more fingers to show my flair.
2) The Most Desrerving to See my "Oh-Face" award goes to ... Heidi Sue Poon
Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about .. "oh, OHH, OOHHH".
3) The "Oh yeah, and I've been cheating on you!" award goes to ... Merribeth Jerome
I came to this conclusion by her 6 hour days that INCLUDED a 2-hour lunch, bad-mouthing of her own family, and sharing personal information of other co-workers told to her in confidence (not mine just stuff she repeated).
4) The "What the Fuck is PC Load Letter" Award goes to ... Saurabh "Sam" Wonder
I have seen trained chimps at the zoo who are more articulate than 90% of this guy's e-mails. My god, find a fucking language and stick with it.
5) The "Samir Naga-Naga ... NagaGonnaWorkHereAnymore" Award goes to ... Michael Alme-GonnaNotWorkHereAnymore
If you have an Arab name, you are just asking to get made fun of in this day and age. If you work in Washington DC, that goes DOUBLE.
6) The "Case of the Mondays" Award goes to ... Vegina Paris
Vegina is not known for either sunny dispositions or even polite discourse. Either get on Vegina's good side or wish you had died at birth ... ps. She throws staplers :-P
7) The "Jump to Conclusions" Award goes to ... Mick Shitzu
Mick is the poster boy for bad ideas that subordinates are not allowed to tell him ... "Gee, Mick. That's a terrible fucking idea!" All the while he re-writes search engines and works on Java script for 2nd-tier websites.
8) The "Take a Penny" Award goes to ... Jason Sixpence
To sum up Jason, I only have to tell the story of my "last supper" when he actually ordered food, ate it, and when he went to pay someone asked "Where the hell did you get a 20 from???"
9) The "Tits on Six" Award goes to ... Pat Accountingbook
Pat - though he left StupiterMedia MONTHS ago - is the sole reason that the search engine, to this day, still has the most hits on words "nude" and "bikini".
10) The "Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison" Award goes to ... StupiterMedia Management
This goes out to the StupiterMedia management and their SOX compliance and VISA compliance. I'm not sure I am qualified to make such an assessment, but when you change answers like "No", "Not even close", and "Are you fucking joking" to "Yes" when filling out compliance work sheets ... Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison should be in the cards.
OK, that's the 2005 installment. If anyone takes offense ... eat a bag-o-dicks!
1) The "Here's My Flair" Award goes to ... Condoleeza Katz
Yeah, here it is. Right there. After not even bothering to try to 1) talk to me after I put in my notice or 2) not living up to anything you told me prior ... whoomp, there it is. I just wish I had more hands and - thus - more fingers to show my flair.
2) The Most Desrerving to See my "Oh-Face" award goes to ... Heidi Sue Poon
Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about .. "oh, OHH, OOHHH".
3) The "Oh yeah, and I've been cheating on you!" award goes to ... Merribeth Jerome
I came to this conclusion by her 6 hour days that INCLUDED a 2-hour lunch, bad-mouthing of her own family, and sharing personal information of other co-workers told to her in confidence (not mine just stuff she repeated).
4) The "What the Fuck is PC Load Letter" Award goes to ... Saurabh "Sam" Wonder
I have seen trained chimps at the zoo who are more articulate than 90% of this guy's e-mails. My god, find a fucking language and stick with it.
5) The "Samir Naga-Naga ... NagaGonnaWorkHereAnymore" Award goes to ... Michael Alme-GonnaNotWorkHereAnymore
If you have an Arab name, you are just asking to get made fun of in this day and age. If you work in Washington DC, that goes DOUBLE.
6) The "Case of the Mondays" Award goes to ... Vegina Paris
Vegina is not known for either sunny dispositions or even polite discourse. Either get on Vegina's good side or wish you had died at birth ... ps. She throws staplers :-P
7) The "Jump to Conclusions" Award goes to ... Mick Shitzu
Mick is the poster boy for bad ideas that subordinates are not allowed to tell him ... "Gee, Mick. That's a terrible fucking idea!" All the while he re-writes search engines and works on Java script for 2nd-tier websites.
8) The "Take a Penny" Award goes to ... Jason Sixpence
To sum up Jason, I only have to tell the story of my "last supper" when he actually ordered food, ate it, and when he went to pay someone asked "Where the hell did you get a 20 from???"
9) The "Tits on Six" Award goes to ... Pat Accountingbook
Pat - though he left StupiterMedia MONTHS ago - is the sole reason that the search engine, to this day, still has the most hits on words "nude" and "bikini".
10) The "Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison" Award goes to ... StupiterMedia Management
This goes out to the StupiterMedia management and their SOX compliance and VISA compliance. I'm not sure I am qualified to make such an assessment, but when you change answers like "No", "Not even close", and "Are you fucking joking" to "Yes" when filling out compliance work sheets ... Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison should be in the cards.
OK, that's the 2005 installment. If anyone takes offense ... eat a bag-o-dicks!
posted by Reed at 6:40 PM
4 Comments:
Can't believe you forgot about the "But I've got People Skills, damnit!" award, which has to go to...well, me! I take the requirements from the customers and give them to the engineers. Well, I don't really do that, I more forward emails that the person was already cc'd in, making me pretty well useless to the company as a whole. Crap, don't tell the Mark's!
You mean the Bob's right? Anyway, best of luck with you "Jump to Conclusions" mat as I am sure it will be a big hit!
I DON"T THROW STAPLERS!
And someone did more hits with nude, sex, naked, butts, breast, handcuffs, etc than I do? WOW!!!
And where in the hell did Jason get that $20 from? I think he had the mexican steal it!
can I have my bag o' dicks supersized with a side of my nuts? no but seriously, why didn't I win anything? Sweater puppies must be broken again...
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