Tuesday, September 13, 2005


So the other day I was thinking about starting a new cult. Think of the possibilities: build a belief system that is pure bullshit, find some rich dumbasses to give you money, make them all eunuchs while you screw the women, and basically command people to do your bidding. Now THAT is the life. The problem I came accross was there are just too many cults already started so I would have to come up with something new - and far more ignorant - than what is already out there. That's won't be easy.

Scientology - Space ships, volcanos, hydrogen bombs, L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise, and a whole list of dumbasses. This may be one of the dumbest fucking cults ever invented. It would be like taking the theory of creation by Stephen King ... only a shittier sci-fi writer. If you are a Scientologist, you are a dumbass. You might as well worship George Lucas as a creator.

Any Doomsday Cult - This would be a really shitty deal. First, you have to get a big group of pessimists who look forward to the world ending. That could be done in about 5 minutes walking through DG but I digress. Now, you have to spend the rest of your life repenting "just in case" you're right that the sun will explode in April 2016. And - what happens when you are right? You sit on a hill for a couple years, here comes death, ya turn around to gloat and - oh yeah, everyone's fucking dead already. And when it doesn't come, you turn into a glowering Cub fan ... shaking your head and muttering "Yeah? ... Well, wait 'til next year!"

Any Cult that includes an armed compound - I have the King James version of the bible so the chapter on AK-47's and pipe bombs was completely left out. Better yet, if your religion\cult\club\etc. includes assault weapon and munitions training chances are you are in a dumbass cult ... or one of those - even dumber ass - "Pro-Life Activists" (which is a joke in itself).

So what to do. I need a concept even more dumbass than what is out there so that I only attract people so mentally challenged that none of these other cults appeal to them. So here goes, my new cult name and doctrine:

The Killing, Bible-Thumping, Patriots with Tanks
Here's the jist of it. You see, I make up tales about how God watches over all of us but we have a whole lot of people who want to harm us who have "divine" weapons. We will then take our tanks and guns and kill these people and call everyone who objects "blasphemers" or "non-patriots". Our cult will predict that the world will end on a date to be named later which is when we will have enough power to blow it up ourselves - thus we can gloat and even have a countdown.

... shit, already taken. It was a great idea, but I found out the cult already exists under the name "Bush Administration" ... I like my name better don't you?

BTW, before I am confused with some bleeding heart, anti-war hippy who feels the need to lay down in the road out of protest ... get fucked. I hate hippies more than I hate cults and the Bush administration.


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