Wednesday, July 20, 2005

M. Night Shyamalan is Hindi for "One Hit Wonder"

If you haven't seen all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies then there are SPOILERS ahead ... if you have seen them all, I will TYPE SLOWER because your are fucking dumber and dumber with each viewing ...

Start with the best: The Sixth Sense
Great acting, nice original idea. There were parts to make you jump and an eery feeling about the entire movie. Screw all of the "geniuses" who say "Well I figured it out long before ... blah, blah, blah". Don't care if you did, it was still a good movie. Score a big win for Shyamalan that keeps getting his movies made by studios even though they suck donkey dick.

OK, now the crap ... and there is plenty:
Signs: OK, Maddox over at wrote one of the funniest rants on this movie I have ever read. I suggest you read it as well. Have you ever really THOUGHT about this film? Aliens come to Earth in INVISIBLE space crafts yet there weakness is ... WATER! They come millions of miles, in invisible space crafts, to a planet that is 90% water and let's not forget our atmosphere ... here's a little hint "It's not the heat, it's the humidity!" Oh yeah, and they are so terrifying they can't get out of a locked pantry. My 2.5 year old can find his way into and out of a locked pantry door. This movie took stupidity to a whole new level ... and fans CHEERED for it!

Unbreakable: I got tumor from watching this movie. Let's get this straight, Bruce Willis is unbreakable yet WATER (again) is his "kryptonite". So someone who can bench press a shit load and can walk away from seemingly any situation of harm can't breathe underwater? Is he unbreakable or fucking aqua man? I guess, water is - yet again - the downfall of aliens and super heroes. I would even take this a step further and say water is the kryptonite of all super heroes if you fucking drown them! Batman, Robin, Daredevil, Cat Woman (well you'd have to fucking drown her like 9 times but still), and even Bruce Willis. What a load of steaming feces this movie was.

The Village: Talk about a bunch of tree-hugging hippy crap. Non-violent pussies build their own commune to avoid the trials and tribulations of real life. Even though they are all highly educated (and wealthy) no one expects that shit like PENI-FUCKING-CILLIN may come in handy in this situation. You know for things like infection or VD from all the incest going on. And Jesus H Christ, I thought retarded people as the psycho killer went out with that "Never Seen Before"episode of Life Goes On; you know, where Corky sees Becca "landing planes" with 3 guys and stabs everyone before the closing credits? Oh yeah, "in my mind" that's how that turd of a series ended.

Stewart Little: Let's see, a mouse who drives a sports car, talking animals, and a family who adopts the mouse ... Yep, it's at least more plausible than Signs! But you may say "It's a kids movie. Cut him some slack." Well, my kids watched 30 minutes of it and begged me to turn it off to watch reruns of C-SPAN. That's how bad this movie was. I found my wife minutes after it started trying to find the curling iron setting for "searing death" ... whether it was for her, me, or Stewart Little she won't say.

I was wrong ... Shyamalan is Hindi for "Cashing In" ...


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