Monday, July 18, 2005

How's Your Universe Today?

The other day I was talking about a web project with a useless person who will remain nameless. The person actually told me "In my mind, it doesn't work that way!" Are you fucking kidding me?

My god, why listen to the architect of the system? Just because I wrote it from scratch means nothing because, in their mind - and I use that term loosely, something doesn't work in the same way? I responded with "Well, in REALITY it works the way I just told you it does."

Actually though, I realized that my will and reality shouldn't be different. From now on, everything must work the exact same way as my mind otherwise it is wrong and I need to bitch at people for it. That day was filled with many surprises and disappointments.

My auto mechanic vehemently denies the notion that when I step on the gas pedal, little elves stoke a furnace, which boils water, which makes my car go faster. Several angry letters and calls to the Big 3 car manufacturers have been ignored. I will get my way though don't worry. I learn that if you bitch enough in this world, especially if your views are in the minority, people will eventually give in. I can't wait to see those elves!

The Dell "Support" Rep actually laughed at me when I suggested that computers were run by widgets and several hamsters on a wheel. I told her - for certain - I can hear the wheel at times and I have heard the squeaks (usually beeps) of the hamsters. I wanted to know which widget maker they used to create the pieces for my computer. Thanks to her assinine behavior, I have left several unanswered complaints with Dell executives and have even asked for her dismisal. I will update when I hear anything.

I did have some good news when I talked to Papa John's. Apparently the pizza is created just how I thought it was. Basically, midgets pound dough into usable circles using a pizza pan and little mallets. Toppings are then added by robots to measure out the perfect amount of ingredients. Next, it is sneezed on (full shield guard) by a fire-breathing dragon named "Snuba". The robots then remove the shield guard while the midgets box the pizza. Flying monkeys take the pizzas to the drivers whose job's are to randomly circle houses who call out for pizza "a lot". It make perfect sense not only to me but of the great innovators at Papa John's! They asked me for any input to help further the process, but I told them "You guys KNOW what you are doing better than me!"

OK, gotta run ... I have Samsung on the line and I'm trying to shake the Oompa-Loompas out of my DVD player ...

2 Comments:

Blogger G13 said...

Then one day...some people came to visit him at work. They had this nice pretty white jacket for him to wear. They were nice enough to help him into the jacket since they, for some reason, tied in the back. They have him a shot of a "happy drug" and drove him away. I think I can hear him saying..."oh so soft" as he rubs his face into the padded walls.

1:22 PM  
Blogger Oreo said...

Did you know that the music in your CD player is really a miniature band singing that song just for you? They eat the raisins and PB&J sandwiches that little kids shove in there.

9:17 AM  

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