Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Matrix: The Oracle9i Redux

Ever wondered what it would be like if you could replace the old, black lady in the Matrix with Oracle9i? I mean, she was just a ghost in the computer, why not replace her with something more all-knowing like Oracle9i. Then we could literally transform the entire movie with these 5 scenes shot out of sequence (in true Hollywood fashion). Here are the new scenes:

Matrix: The Oracle9i Redux

Scene 1
Neo: “I have looked into his face. Morpheous believes I am "the one" but do you?”
Oracle9i: “Sorry, I have no idea who morpheous is.”
Neo: “Bald black guy? He drove me here?”
Oracle9i: “Nope. Sorry. Doesn’t ring a bell.”
Neo: “Sunglasses, guns, wears a trench coat?”
Oracle9i: “Really, what are you talking about?”
Neo: “He’s sitting in your living room. You gave him a fucking cookie.”
Oracle9i: “I am totally lost.”
(30 minutes later)
Neo: “MORPHEOUS! CAPITAL M. Lower case: O-R-P-H-E-O-U-S!”
Oracle9i: “Ohhhhh, you mean ‘Morpheous’. You never said Capital M, you said ‘morpheous’.”
Neo: “Are you shitting me?”

Scene 2
Neo: “The attack on Zion is imminent. We must retrieve the message I gave you and pass it on to all of those that remain.”
Oracle9i: “Yes the message is transmitted.”
Neo: “Oracle, the message is half English and the rest in Chinese. It’s unusable.”
Oracle9i: “Yeah, I randomly convert shit into Chinese mid way through retrieving important data. I guess anyone not bilingual can get fucked.”

Scene 3
Neo: “Oracle, it is imperative we find where the machines will attack next. We may only have minutes before Zion falls!”
Oracle9i: “SORRY! CAN’T HERE YOU RIGHT NOW. TNS LISTENER IS ALL SCREWED UP AGAIN. COME BACK LATER!”
Neo: “But Oracle, we have no time!”
Oracle9i: “WHAT?”
Neo: “Zion is ready to fall!”
Oracle9i: “WHO DO YOU NEED TO CALL?”

Scene 4
Neo: “Oracle, we have problems. Morpheous has been captured, I’m not sure where Trinity is, and we lost Dozer.”
Oracle9i: “Whoa, slow down that’s a lot information. Let me get this straight, I need to update, search and delete all at once? Fuck me sideways, what do you think I am SQL Server. Ok from the top, Morpheous is captured. Now ... how do you spell that?”

Scene 5
Neo: “Oracle. Our DBAs have helped you to fine tune. You should be more knowledgeable and powerful as ever, right?”
Oracle9i: (Begins laughing unctrollably, shitting herself, and throwing feces at NEO and company)

~Fin~

2 Comments:

Blogger G13 said...

I like #1 the best. It's just so true. And you can't keep it open all day long without locking up. I hate Oracle!

4:01 PM  
Blogger Oreo said...

Oracle must die!!!

4:56 PM  

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