Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Merry Christmas ... here's your broken jaw

Christmas is a magical time filled with elves, Santa, and good will on Earth ... in whatever fucking fairy tale you live in! In my world, Christmas is filled with in-laws, family I rather not associate with, and drunken amateurs out on Christmas Eve. Let's harken back a few Christmas's ago when Santa asked me to deliver a gift to someone way up there on his naughty list.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the bar
I was doing shots of Tequila wondering “Dude, where’s my car?”
When in walked a jackass with two sluts and a ‘tude
Jose Cuervo told me “You need to bitch-slap that dude!”

The sluts started dancing and soon I was grinding
I told them I had mistletoe in my pants for finding
One bought me a drink and soon the other wanted one
I was sure Saint Nick would not be the only one who’d come

When out at the bar arose such a clatter
I damn near dropped my Corona seeing what was the matter
“You bitch” … “You whore” … “You stupid cock tease!”
Screamed their jackass friend at a friend of mine’s sqeeze

“That guys needs to leave,” said Angie at the bar
No bouncer there, I need to show him to his car
“Dude, it’s time to leave. Take your shit and go.”
You wouldn’t believe what he asked me to blow!

He tried to get puffy-chested with his new-found nuts
“By the way”, I intimated, “I’m gonna fuck your sluts!”
Now he’s pissed more, beer muscles and fiery spit
Tapping me in the chest while he says “Dude you ain’t Shit!”

A right hand from nowhere, more rights follow that
Tables and glass go everywhere while he … falls on his back
He clamors to his feet more tables and chairs go awry
Apparently it’s not been enough, what’s wrong with this guy?

He squares his shoulders to charge me, I almost laugh in delight
With good timing his ass won’t last long in this fight
He ducks his head at the last second, I brace against the wall
The upper cut starts at my knees, here’s his broken jaw!

He rocks back and hits the floor, I don’t know how he got up
He managed to make it to his car, before the police showed up
Too bad for him though, he really didn’t make it very far
The police arrested him for DUI … three blocks from the bar

So if you’re looking for a moral to this TRUE story
I guess I can give it to thee
If you’re a guy who takes out two sluts
Make sure you’re not the biggest BITCH of the three!

2 Comments:

Blogger Pam said...

What a poet.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Oreo said...

Wow, that brought tears to my eyes...wait that's dust. That was pretty a good poem though.

2:28 PM  

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