Friday, September 30, 2005

Gasoline ... Match ... BRIDGE!

*** Like it says at the end of Law and Order, this work of fiction is just that. Names, events, and situations - though they may seem based on fact - are really just made up. Amazingly enough, some of the characters and names seem like they are people who will recognize their own name immediately but they should just shut up and keep believing that this is a work of fiction ... which it is ... fiction. Didn't you read the disclaimer? ***

Working Title: Office Space Redux

Setting: The Peoria, Arizona office of StupiterMedia - a conglomerate of acquired companies being slowly run into the ground by incompetent management. See, it is fiction because any company that would acquire others would know how to run them, right?

Cast of Characters in order of appearance:

Rasheed Longwang - The protagonist and main character in this comedy of errors.

Joe Quixote - The web manager of the Peoria, AZ office. Joe is perpetually fighting the windmills of stupidty at StupiterMedia the list of which is too long and too far-reaching to begin to spell out.

Darin Tunamelt - A programmer in Joe's group with comptetent skills looking to make a name for himself. If ass-kissing were an olympic event, this guy would be golden every 4 years.

Vegina Paris - A disgruntled IT worker longing for the days she and her cats can escape to Colorado. Fiery tempered and fond of the drink which makes her dangerous. How dangerous? Hell, she cusses and throws shit at people when she's SOBER!

Mick Shitzu - The Vice President of the IT Department. Spends most of his time correcting important things like Java script errors on websites or re-writing search engines. Wouldn't know talent or how to manage if they both soddomized him from behind. Darin himself knows this first hand.

Pat Accountingbook - Pat begins our play as the unofficial web c0-manager with Joe, but eventually leaves for Colorado where they can sell stronger prescriptions of Rogain. Possibly the best programmer StupiterMedia had working for them so his exit was imminent and many were surprised when he was not fired immediately for being "too good".

Condoleeza Katz - IT Director for the Peoria, AZ office. Spends her time wondering how many companies out there need are in need of an IT Director who does not understand the technology and has little to no IT experience.

Henry Winkler - Sales manager for a StupiterMedia product line. Faces the daily tasks of telling multiple account support people that they are, in fact, "incorrect-amundo".

Jessica Sweater-Puppies - Divorced, well endowed support speciliast working under the watchful eye of Henry. Jessica is known for her sweet and caring personality and for her breasts arriving 10 minutes before she does.

Assbag Ghengis - A good guy with an unfortunate first name. A terrible programmer who StupiterMedia IT Director was convinced he was as good if not better than those around him! Assbag's driving record was so bad, he was actually given a bonus for using public transportation.

Pepe Malmgren - Our token Mexican so we can attract the growing latino minority. Pepe is the system administrator for the Peoria, AZ office ... when he's not stealing things that is. Pepe longs to be a poker pro but his "2nd job" of stalking Vegina with his webcam gets in the way.

Brian Doorknob - Our token "special needs" role. Brian wears his plastic white helmet and rides the short bus every day - by himself! - to the Washington, DC office (which is somewhat by McLean, VA but not quite since this is fiction). What Brian lacks in intelligence and basic reasoning skills, he makes up for by being "thorough". In a twist of irony, Brian has his favorite bumper-sticker tattooed accross his forehead - "Helmet Laws Suck".

Tony "It Ain't White Boy Day" Drexel - A web designer who cut his teeth on the mean streets of Henry, IL. Tony now telecommutes from Chicago so he can both "represent" and "keep it real, yo". He WILL cut you.

Chad Lennon - Budding rock star turned web designer. Lives with his girlfriend Yoko who encourages Chad to leave the band and devote his time to his design career.

Bud Weizer - A graduate of Iowa University, Bud spends his College Football Saturday's crying into a Guiness pint. He came to the Peoria, AZ office straight out of college when he was greeted to the harsh, real-world fact that a 4-year degree from Iowa made you about a half-step more qualified than a guy who took 8 years to get a GED. Go Illini bia-tch!

Constance Paininourasso - Special Projects Coordinator - mainly because she looks over "special" people like Brian - in Washington DC. Despite an unnatural love of cats and ADHD, she somehow rises to manager mainly because employees like Brian make anyone look competent. Most notably remembered for the phrase "It doesn't work that way in my head!" when going over specs and an existing program with the protagonist. Now you know.

Roman Hammer - Better suited as a porn name, Roman works as a web developer in the Peoria, AZ office. Roman's main focus of work is to find new and innovative ways to avoid speaking to Constance.

Todd and Sam Wonder - The Wonder brothers are the lead Database Administrators for the Peoria, AZ team. Their last name is fitting because people often "wonder" how they make it to work every day without a short yellow bus, how they still have jobs, if they have jobs, etc.

Smaller bit roles include:
Michael Alme-GonnaNotWorkHereAnymore
Zandra GodDamnIsMyLastNameLong

Now that we have the cast of characters introduced, come follow along the adventures in upcoming posts ... Anonymous comments accepted!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you might want to edit Bud Weizer's profile ;-)

2:58 PM  
Blogger Who's Your Daddy said...

Hehehehehe ... done ...

3:02 PM  
Blogger Oreo said...

OMG!!only ten minutes...I'd say at least 15.

3:09 PM  
Blogger Bliss99 said...

Don't forget your flashbacks to Jason Sixpence. The ex-sys admin that get's blamed for why all the systems are messed up after he left for Aquafina.

1:40 PM  

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