Monday, October 03, 2005

100 things I hate about Linda

100 Things I hate about Linda

Have you seen this ignorant shit? So many people are “blogging” with so much time on their free hands. Now it’s en vogue to list 100 things you love about your children, yourself, or whatever. I’d rather eat shit through a sewer grate than fucking read that garbage. Sure I wrote about my son … and I know it interests only me. There are actually people out there, spamming other blogs so we can read about them or their dumbass kids? What the fuck? At least throw up some sort of popup ad for Boner enhancers or something to make it remotely interesting.

With that in mind, I found a blog called “100 things about Linda” … So I wanted to make sure I gave 100 reasons I hate Linda and her blog. Linda’s blog in regular text, my blog in Bold.

1. I am 46 years old.
Good! Hurry up and die!
2. I live in the Great State of Texas (I know, we can’t help it!)
Along with many mentally ill people who enjoy killing each other.
3. I am married to my best friend.
He must be a douche bag like you.
4. We don’t have children
That’s one good thing about Linda. Though she is probably too ugly to get sex.
5. We’re in the process of adopting an older child (girl).
Whoops, I take back every nice thing I said.
6. I work for a finance company
I am a telemarketer.
7. This is my 21st year there
I do not have enough talent to find a real job.
8. I am currently in Collections
What’s funny is I wrote #6 before I read this. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
9. I was a “domestic” exchange student my senior year of high school
What the fuck is a “domestic” exchange student? My guess: she got to leave the special ed class once every Tuesday.
10. I got to stay with an Amish family for a portion of my stay
You should go back since a computer is obviously not helping you any.
11. I went to college locally
Big surprise. Community College or Sally Struthers?
12. I have ridden an elephant
Dance with who brought ya I always say.
13. I have worked in a haunted house as a witch
Witch, Bitch, what’s the diff?
14. I wanted to be a criminologist
As does everyone who watches CSI. Glad to see your life goals started 5 years ago.
15. Then changed my mind and wanted to be a teacher
Then I wanted to be an astronaut! Now I just want to be a better failure!
16. I ended up in finance – go figure!
Calling Collections finance is like calling a whore a “relaxation therapist”.
17. Now that I am older, I would love to cut gems
A woman who likes jewelery. You are SO DEEP!
18. Or design jewelry
See #17 ...
19. I am a digital artist
Read – I take pictures with a digital camera.
20. I want to learn to paint with oils how I “paint” with the mouse
Whoops, she uses “Paint” for “Digital Art”. I use notepad for my “Digital Publishing”.
21. When I was a teenager, I met two Monkees – Davy Jones & Mickey Dolenz
When she says “met” she means “caught VD from”.
22. I watched the filming of “Terms of Endearment”
On DVD …
23. And went to the premier
When they re-released it on DVD, in my front room!
24. And got Jack Nicholson’s autograph.
Actually it was his signature on the Restraining Order.
25. Later, I met Nolan Ryan and Lyle Lovett while auditing dealerships.
Lyle Lovett tells us “Damn is she ugly.”
26. Even later, my friends and I had a private meeting with Dr. Phil.
Is scoring tickets the same as a private meeting? In that case, I have had a “private meeting” with the Chicago Bears.
27. And right now, an autographed photo of Sean Connery is on my desk, looking at me.
… wishing it could burn it’s eyes out.
28. I got married on Grand Cayman Island.
Couldn’t get married anywhere land-locked. Too many places for her future husband to hide.
29. In the church my great-great grandfather helped to found.
He actually “found” the church when he was looking for a bar to drown his sorrows over the birth of “the ugliest great-grandaughter ever” in his words.
30. I love the sea.
… because I am part Maniti
31. If it were financially possible, I would live my days in the Victoria House on Grand Cayman Island.
Lofty goals for someone who works in Collections.
32. I want to see puffins in person.
And yet they do not want to see you.
33. I want to go to Iceland and Maine for that purpose.
Please do. Anywhere there are less people for you to annoy.
34. I want to go to Greece.
But am afraid because my husband may find another man.
35. Reading is my passion.
It sure as hell ain’t writing …
36. I cannot choose a favorite book.
Between “See Spot Run” and “The Cat in the Hat”? I’d go with Seuss.
37. Mark Twain’s “Innocents Abroad” is in my top three, along with Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”, and “The Ramayana”
This is the part where she shows how well home-schooling works.
38. I can’t choose a favorite movie, either.
Big shock…
39. Top three: To Kill A Mockingbird, It’s A Wonderful Life, and Twelve Angry Men
I chose any movie with Jimmy Stewart because I am old and want to seem deep.
40. I have two dogs, Gracie and Gordy
They both think I'm a loser.
41. We recently lost our oldest dog, Greta, and it still hurts to think about it
Greta committed suicide by dumping a toaster into it’s bath water.
42. I have 3 nieces and two nephews
They refer to me as Aunt Bitch-a-lot
43. I have one sister and one brother, whom I love dearly
... and yet I can never get their phone numbers to connect.
44. Both my in-laws are deceased
Died from embarassment over their loser son no doubt.
45. My parents are both alive, divorced, and remarried
... and I can never seem to ge their phone numbers to connect.
46. I love my dad’s wife
And you can too for $19.95!
47. I have no particular feeling for my mom’s husband
After he molested me ... last month.
48. I love both my parents
For a fee.
49. My number of friends is smaller now, but dearer.
Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.
50. I realize the importance of close girlfriends.
Margarita.
51. I am a member of Unity
Oh christ, religious zealocism in 5... 4... 3...
52. I believe in God
Well whoopty-shit.
53. And that God is within all of us.
Except the anti-christ ... damn you Emanuel Lewis!
54. I believe that God is good – all the time
What are you 6 or 46?
55. And that life is meant to be good!
God's plan is for me to collect money from people down on their luck! Life ROCKS!
56. I also believe that nothing happens by accident
... with the exception of her conception.
57. I am co-creating my life by my choices
Talk about a sentence that makes less sense every time you read it.
58. I know that words are powerful and positive self-talk is important
Self-Talk? That must be creating a blog about yourself and then spamming it out.
59. And that positive affirmations can facilitate change down to the cellular level
Read - I am REALLY talking out of my ass now!
60. I love my spiritual home
Please go there.
61. I love my physical home
Please God, where is a good tsunami when you need one?
62. I quit watching TV for quite a while
So she would have more time to devote to her favorite subject - Linda!
63. I’m watching it again, and (embarrassingly) I find myself regularly watching reality shows
Taping yourself masturbating is not really "Reality TV" ... just really fat, nasty TV.
64. I am trying to lose weight
A tall order for any Maniti.
65. I am excited about finding our daughter-to-be
Not as excited as "daughter-to-be" is about staying in foster care or orphanages ... or being raised by a pack of Baboons.
66. And yet, I am not anxious as I know the choice will perfect and divinely appointed
I think God already made his choice on that one. You're simply fucking up HIS plan.
67. I miss my grandma more than I can say
Because - obviously - writing is not my strong suit.
68. She’s the person I would spend one more day with if it were possible
She said she would rather spend it playing Bingo.
69. I know she knows
And she knows that I know that she knows that I know that she knows ... I am a loser
70. I would like to smell sheets hanging on a clothesline again
Then get off your ass and do the fucking laundry!
71. I love the weather when you can wear shorts, but need a sweatshirt
Personally - Reed speaking - I'd prefer any weather where this walrus needs to wear sweats, sweatshirt, and two bags over her head in case one rips.
72. Right this very moment, I would like to be on the beach just looking for shells
Still looking for that tsunami ...
73. Camping is not for me
As well as swimming ever since the invent of harpoons.
74. Neither are bugs
Thank god they make a lotion for Crabs huh?
75. Autumn is my favorite season
Fall is the thing my downstairs neighbors fear the most ...
76. I love antiques
Which explains my clothing and my vagina ...
77. I play online Scrabble with a friend in Australia, a friend in Hawaii, and my sister.
Most played words: loser, douche, lonely, depressing, and dildo
78. I have a blog that not one person I personally know is aware of (including my husband) – I guess they’ll know now!
So I feel the need to spam it ...
79. I am definitely a type-A personality
Would that be Asshole, Assface, or Assinine?
80. With type-B tendencies ;-)
Actually it's Hepatitis not a tendency ...
81. I read every day
The ingredients section in the back of Bon-Bons isn't really reading.
82. I don’t collect any particular thing
Except cellulite ...
83. I have created numerous websites
All of which are as shitty as this
84. Making graphics is just plain fun
Can you make one of you kissing my ass?
85. I like tacky, retro kitsch – like dashboard hula dancers
... or dildos in the shape of Klondike Bars
86. Monty Python and The Holy Grail still makes me laugh
Got to reach the nerd demographic so my blog can survive
87. Even when I’m not high (it’s been a LONG time!)
Pot is soooo bad for fat chicks! Heroin will help me get thin!
88. My husband I wrote “The Gumbo Song” (you have to hear it, not read it)
Yes, because by now 99.999% of your readers have fallen asleep, committed suicide, or fell asleep while committing suicide.
89. I love men’s arms – the bigger the better
Uhm ... I will admit that last statement was more subliminal advertising.
90. I love men, period.
I haven't lost enough weight to get a white guy!
91. And I love men wearing Grey Flannel cologne
Because it tells me they are desperate/
92. To me, Il Bacio perfume for women is the most sexually powerful scent created
... next to bacon grease
93. I only wear it occasionally – most of the time, it’s Jessica McClintock for me.
When I don't have Jessica on my face, my face is on Jessica.
94. I can’t believe I am almost out of spaces here – I think I could keep going and going!
... and so many of use were HOPING you weren't joking!
95. I love the colors of yellow, orange, blue, and green
Riveting!
96. My favorite flowers are daffodils, roses, and peonies
Personally - Reed speaking - I REALLY enjoy Tulips on my organ.
97. I can be very impatient at times
And yet you can take 6 hours to write a 100 item blog ...
98. Yet, I am very loyal
To myself because I love myself because I love my blog ... about myself ... did I mention I was loyal? ... to me?
99. I am also grateful – for more than this list allows
Because - for Christ-sake - this list is not long enough!
100. And I believe in Love
And I believe in life after love, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Christ on a popsicle stick ...

Anyone who read this entire list is as big a douchebag as Linda ... get bent!

3 Comments:

Blogger TennesseeJed said...

I can't believe I read the entire list only to find out I'm a douchebag, too. Still, it was more entertaining that working on this website for 10 minutes.

Hope all is well at Growmark. Mark announced the 30% JI bonus for those of us who finish the project today.

Oh, wait, no...he announced that he expected us to work 30% more as a bonus to the company.

11:02 AM  
Blogger G13 said...

Wow...is it over? I think I fell alseep!

1:18 PM  
Blogger Oreo said...

snrk..huh wha..is it over?

2:27 PM  

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