Thursday, October 27, 2005

Words dumbasses use to sound like more of a dumbass

In the last 8 years of my career I have found myself - grudgingly - having to converse with "business" people who are borderline retarded. Often they use great buzz words to make themselves sound important while the entire time I try to choke back the tears of laughter from their colossal ignorance. If you are an aforementioned dumbass, flambay your crotch so you cannot reproduce and infect the rest of the world.

Here's a worthless word. Quick, someone tell me the opposite of real-time? This is a ignorant person's word for "live" or RE-FUCKING-ALITY. I even hear commercials for some new Microsoft product that provides "real-time video conferencing" because there is nothing worse than having a conference in 15-minute tape delay apparently.

Think outside the box
If you utter this statement in my presence, I will be forced to drop kick you square in the ovaries. Not a woman? I will drop kick your mother in the ovaries, burn down your house, piss on the ashes, and then kick you square in the nuts. This stupid ass phrase has been the cause of countless hours of stupid meetings because John from Marketing thought it would be great to have customer support actually video-conference in realtime, in a moving van, parked outside of a client's house ... on a holiday. Seriously, people who start a sentence with "Thinking outside the box, I came up with an idea ..." Just save yourself the time and try swallowing your tongue as it will be more productive than the next hour of your life.

I need to check my blackberry.
Ever notice that people who own blackberry's are the last people on Earth that should try to tackle technology? Let's give these people $500 mobile items so they can check e-mail and send text messages. Fucking brilliant.

Rapid Application Development
This is actually a theory of development not a life style. You see, any time an IT Manager talks about Rapid Application Development, they actually mean "We have no fucking specs, but we need a project completed by yesterday and we don't know what the client wants." Why bother with stuff like Architecture when we can just use words like R.A.D. and - presto - shoot an application out of our ass!

acquisition or Merger
Basically this means "We bought another company, now we are going to bleed it dry before we take out a big fucking shovel to pummel it to death and bury it." These terms do mean something if you plan on keeping an asset. Takeover is the term for when you basically run something into the ground doing it your own way.

Listen, I sit in a 3-walled cubicle for 8 hours a day staring at a monitor and writing code for a living. Do you really think adding a shitty sandbox with a rake is going to bring me inner fucking peace? Whoever invented feng-shui is a douchebag and anyone who believes in it is a clueless douchebag.

The bottom line: Say what you mean. If you want to use buzzwords, know that everyone in that meeting who is not as ignorant as you (try everyone) will walk out thinking you are twice as stupid as they would if you had just kept your damn mouth shut.

My buzzword for the day is BLOW ME ...


Blogger G13 said...

I think you are just jealous that people are able to view Real-time websites with their blackberries now. Just email and text messages...oh you are so out of it. You really need to get your Feng-Shui together and try to think outside the box.

Seriously...I think I am going to start calling marriages Mergers from now on. "oh so you guys are merging? When is the big date?" And the birth of a new child (in real time of course) I am calling an acquisition. They both work!

8:38 AM  

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