12 Headlines You Wish You Would Read

My "Anger Man" column at WYD Sports is going away, so I am bringing over all of the past articles. If you've already read it, tough shit try doing something with your life that doesn't include reading stupid blogs!

12) Martha Stewart Gang-Raped in Prison: Former ImClone Employees Suspected
11) U2 Massacred on Peace Mission to 3rd World Countries: Fans Call for Blood
10) Rumsfeld Killed in Iraq … By Powell … Powell to receive Pardon and Medal for “act of patriotism”
9) PETA Disbands, Issues Apology: “We’re just a bunch of stupid, fucking hippies … we get that now.”
8) Even by State of Texas Standardized Testing criteria, President Bush still “functionally retarded”
7) Violent Anti-Abortion Group Bombs Self, Issues Excuse: “We’re just a bunch of stupid, fucking morons … we get that now.”
6) Oprah, Martha Burk, Martha Stewart, Dr. Phil, and All Televangelists to be beheaded live on Al-Jazeera: Don King buys rights to Pay-Per-View bonanza, then finds himself in same boat with the others
5) Advertisers realize Hip-Hop and Extreme Ads just piss off everyone, Issue Half-assed Apology: “We’re just a bunch of stupid, fucking ad execs … if we had real talent we would have come up with ‘Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!’”
4) The Simple “After”-Life? Paris and Nicole fall into Wood Chipper
3) J-Lo’s SAG card burned and then pissed on, told not to even sing in the shower: “I’m just a stupid, fucking, talent-less whore … have you seen Ben Afleck or P-Diddy?”
2) Who's Your Daddy wins election land slide: Nukes France as a warning to the world
1) Secret to long life in women Revealed: More Anal and Oral Sex