Headlines for November 23rd, 2005

Spacecraft Lands Successfully on Asteroid
No word yet if Bruce Willis has been able to drill down 900 feet and save the planet.

Bogus E-Mails Contain New 'Sober' Worm
E-mails purportedly brain wash you into drinking Bud Light making you wish you were sober.

'Megachurches' draw big crowds
Walmart finally "goes too far."

Police Hit Man in Genitals With Taser
Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ...

Sunni Leader Slain at Home in Iraq
The U.S. Army: 30 minutes or less to Allah or your next Jihad is free.

Liberian Woman Confirmed As President
Headline 30 minutes later: Liberia engulfed in massive civil war

Definition of South, Southern Is Changing
South definition "toward 'Bama"; Southern definition "redneckian".

Women Spend 60 Days in Bed for Research
Hell man, my brother-in-law spent 60 days in bed and it wasn't for shit.

Study Links Cancer Radiation, Fractures
Study also finds Radiation #1 cause of Super Heroes.

Former teacher gets probation for sex with student
Former student gets high-fives and phone numbers from other male and female students respectively.

Catholic school fires pregnant, unwed teacher
Cites precedence from previous law of "Inn Keepers vs. Mary and her little bastard".