Saturday, March 25, 2006

Single Again

... or at least close. For those of you who don't know, my wife and I are finally getting a divorce. We are separated and talking through the process. We are on very good terms and - if I have learned anything from Tennessee Jed - I will not talk about it much more than this. I love my wife and she loves me. We are just not good together and have children to think about.

With that said, I enter the SCARY world of single guys. Until the divorce is final (which it will be this time around), I am just going to keep a peace by not reverting back to the old days. For those of you who missed the old days, let's just say I have seen more ass than a toilet seat ... at Mardi Gras ... for 20 years. OK, I love my wife and will miss her. You all know me and she does as well (she's one of the biggest fans of all my blogs!).

With that said, I turn my attention - soon - to personal ads. I don't want to be lonely forever yet I want to find "Ms. Right". I have swung and missed, but this is no time to quit swinging!

So, please help me with my single ad title:

1. Hopeless Romantic Seeks Dirty,Dirty Whore
2. Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places (think anal!)
3. My Tool Needs a Shed
4. Your Place or my Cardboard Box?
5. Man Seeks Woman for Friendship\Love\Marriage\Mind Numbing,Life Stealing Existence\And Finally Divorce
6. Separated Man Loves Cuddling, Sharing Feelings, and Plutonic Relationships ... SUCKER!!!!

I will allow voting, just let me know!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Greatest Piece of Literature Since "Everybody Poops"

The good news is that I have started writing a book based on my own experience. In creative writing courses, they tell you: "Write what you know." If I ever did a "tell all" book, I am pretty sure I'd make millions. The problem? Libel suits and - of course - prison time for me. Lots of people read this blog but only a few know my background. Even fewer (is that a fucking word?) know MY history. Tentatively called "Knucklehead", here is some things my book will cover. Basically, it's Q&A time:

Ever had a gun pointed at you? Yes.

Ever been in a knife fight? I still own the leather coat (knife hole intact) that I was stabbed through when I was 17. It saved my life so I haven't thrown it away.

Have you ever been questioned in the disappearance of another human being? Yes, and there are many former employees of Rocky's who believe the body will never be found and I am the cause. Keep in mind, these are friends of mine who stilll don't believe there was not foul play involved.

Ever been in a racially charged riot? My senior year in high school a riot erupted because of me.

Ever been in a barroom brawl AND got hit by a pool stick? Yes (several) and yes, my jaw stick clicks on the right side when I fully extend it.

Ever been banned for life from an establishment? Double whammy: Stone Country and the now-defunct Tremors.

Ever been jumped by 2 or more guys? Sure have, in Bloomington. Three guys and just little 'ol me.

That's just a sneak peak. I have been writing the chapters in my spare time. Basically, it will be in the form of a short story for each chapter. The best, is probably the chapter about the disappearance of an ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend. That was probably one of the strangest occurrences\investigations I have ever heard about and been involved with.

All names will be changed to protect the guilty and cover my ass. I will put up a link when I start putting the thing together. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Snakes on a Plane!

Man, just when I thought Hollywood was out of ideas, in walks "Snakes on a Plane" like a breath of fresh air. With Samuel L. Jackson nonetheless! So, it got me to thinking ... Snakes. Plane. Instant blockbuster because the title is real. The title "represents". What if ALL movies were like that? We could pick and choose movies based on titles alone wihtout ambiguity. No more things like "Good Will Hunting" or "Vanilla Sky" or "Pulp Fiction" where the title doesn't give you a glimpse - if not ruin the entire experience - of the movie. So from here on out, I propose we take movies and begin renaming them for what they really are:

Windtalkers - Nicolas Cage Kills more Japanese Soldiers than Actually Fought in WWII
Failure to Launch - Kathy Bates Keeps her Clothes on; Terry Bradshaw Does Not
Titanic - Leo DiCaprio Dies so it's Almost Worth Watching
Napoleon Dynamite - Retards Find Soft Spot for Galactically Retarded Movie
Troy - Brad Pitt Shows his Ass
Alexander - A Couple Thousand Year Old Brokeback Mountain
Brokeback Mountain - Gay Cowboys Slinging Pudding
The First Wives Club - Old, Bitter Women Whose Husbands Found Younger, Hotter Chicks
Elektra - Jennifer Garner's Tight Ass
Castaway - The Longest FedEx Commercial Ever Recorded
Signs - Aliens Fly a Million Miles to be Thwarted by Wooden Doors and Water
Forest Gump - Retard on a Park Bench

Hats off to movies "Assault on Precinct 13", "Batman Begins", and - of course - the incomparable "Snakes on a Plane"!

Monday, March 13, 2006

Get your Horoscope Today

Finally, the world's first horoscope that makes sense ...

Women: Nothing says "I love you" like a douche and a brazilian job.
Men: Today is a good day to find a secluded spot in the country and meditate ... or dispose of a dead hooker's body.

Women: Quit fucking every guy you meet and just start charging already.
Men: Someone has shit all over your aura, randomly punch people in the face to make it clean.

Women: Stay in touch with your immediate family. Call your parents and ask why they couldn't use birth control.
Men: Eat more corn; it helps keep you regular and makes for a great looking turd.

Women: Make an appointment to have your breasts augmented. Send the after pictures to
Men: Cut off your arm. Done? Dumbass, I meant the other one.

Women: A man will ask for your phone number. Give him the phone number of that one girl you know with the VD.
Men: Choose your investments wisely. Call a bookie and put a nickel on Duke to win the big dance.

Women: Take the cell phone out of your ear and stick it up your ass for better reception.
Men: Places to avoid today: Iraq, Afghanistan, and anywhere whose title includes the words "hydrocolonic".

Women: Call Ms. Cleo for stock advice. Visit your hairdresser for psychological counseling.
Men: Learn how to eat nails and shit gunpowder.

Women: When shopping, constantly remind the counter girl how much better your ass looks than hers.
Men: Butt Darts is not the next World Series of Poker.

Women: Express your wild side ... Try doing your cooking and cleaning in the nude!
Men: Make a list of all the things keeping you from your dreams. Put it on a wheel and spin the wheel every day reminding yourself it's not your fault you're a fucking loser it's because ... (spinning the wheel)

Women: When sending an e-mail, for every emoticon you use, you will die a thousand deaths.
Men: Today a woman will ask for your phone number ... just kidding, enjoy downloading hentai in your parent's basement.

Women: Super-size all of your meals today because is it really going to make a difference fatty?
Men: Shave the pubes and work on your "man"gina.

Women: Treat your man's pearl necklace dispenser like it's mardi gras and he has the last beads on Earth.
Men: Today is a good day to "find yourself". And once you found yourself, kick yourself in the nuts for reading horoscopes.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Originality is Overrated

So it came to me. I was sitting in my lazyboy, drinking a diet caffeine free coke, and watching Spiderman 2 when it finally dawned on me: originality sucks. Why be original when you can just rehash the same old shit and people - like sheep - will follow you for it?

Right now, Hollywood has over 160 prequels\sequels IN THE MAKING and that's just for 2006! Original, creative stories are overblown! Christ, it's much easier to find a cult of brain dead drones and give them a shitbird package of cliches and ignorant plots. It's a sure money maker. Forget about art ... films are a bottom line business and the business is this: it takes 10x the money to market a new movie than it does a sequel or spinoff of a video game, comic book, etc.

So the next time I see any of you douche bags standing in a fucking line to watch the latest Harry Potter, Star Wars ass droppings of George Lucas, or any of the shit-for-creativity, plot-so-simple-my-6-month-old-can-follow-along comic book movies just remember ... I have a car and I will run you down.

Take Hollywood's dick out of your collective mouths and start thinking for a change. How many times can we dust off old comic book characters, change the plot by a cunt-whisker, and have a "must-see summer blockbuster". These are the same fuckwads who - as children - probably had mom and dad read Alice in Wonderland to them 50 million fucking times. That's all it is anymore. The same shitty movie, the same shitty plot, just bigger budgets and more drones forking over money to be lead like sheep to a shearing.

When I see movies like "Something About Mary" make millions while "Office Space" takes years to be discovered, it tells me that I could spew bile from my ass with better taste than the public in general. To call you "sheep" is actually an insult to sheep.

I have a terrific idea for a movie! Let's make a movie about a super hero who battles with keeping his\her identity, stopping some mad super villain from destroying\taking over\shitting-on the world or city of super hero's residence. All the while, we can show how the super hero tries to lead a normal life usually falling for a love interest. Instead of interesting story lines and character development, we'll really on old comic books so we can keep the story so simple a retarded amoeba can follow it. And - for the love of God - let's hope the sheep will not ask the question: "In a country filled with thousands of cities, why is it that super villains choose to wreak havoc in one where the superhero is known to thwart minor and major criminals alike?"

Provided none of the sheep start asking questions, I think that says "Blockbuster" all the way! I'm gonna be rich!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Caption this Pic

* An uneasy silence fell over the children as they boarded the trolley to Neverland Ranch.
* Uhmmm ... I think I'll walk.
* Photos courtesy of David Gest's bachelor party.
* VH1's Behind the Music: Drivin' and Cryin'
* Ryan Seacrest held many jobs as a struggling young actor.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Thanks, Mr. Obvious

I must admit; I give people too much credit. The world is filled with dimwits, retards, halfwits, trolls, douche bags, crack heads, and out-and-out fucking morons. Here is a list of items that should be obvious to anyone with a single-digit IQ. If you find yourself learning something new, close your browser, shut down your computer, and go play in traffic.

I got a ticket for going 10mph over the speed limit. Fine. But riddle me this Batman? Why doesn't a soccer mom, talking on her phone, driving a boat load of kids, in an SUV get pulled over? What's more dangerous? Me going fast with no cars around or some dumb bitch endangering my life and the lives of her children?

Seinfeld was not, is not, nor ever will be funny. The actors on Seinfeld are in no way humorous. Want proof? What have they done since?

The Real World is so far from reality it should be called "The Real World only if you sit on your ass and have someone pay your bills while you whin and drag on about how your life isn't working out the way you expected it".

Paris Hilton is not a role model. Any woman who is dumber than a bag of penises (which she freshly fucked) and spreads her herpes filled gash for anyone with a pulse, is not a role model. Heidi Fleiss makes a better role model because she at least 1) gets paid to be a whore and 2) has a much better clientelle.

Vegans are fucking retarded hippies. They use gas which is a fossil fuel derived from dead animals. Unless they grow their own veggies in an all-natural garden. Millions of small animals are killed yearly by farm equipment harvesting their precious vegetables. Also, for the love of GOD Vegan women, would it kill a baby seal if you shaved your damn armpits?

Contrary to popular belief, the local Walmart is a store. It is not a meeting place where you scream at and beat your kids for being slack-jawed, unruly, dumbass yocals ... like you!

The more George Bush tells us that having an Arab company control SIX ports in SIX major cities is perfectly safe, the more I start thinking he may find those WMD's this time ... only after they have gone off on our soil. You know, when your own party is opposing you, local and state governments, and you continue to defend a decision that you did not make ... YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD "W"!

Alright, that's all for now. Tomorrow, I will start on the other 10,000,000 things that you dumbasses probably need explained ...