100 Things I hate about Linda
Have you seen this ignorant shit? So many people are “blogging” with so much time on their free hands. Now it’s en vogue to list 100 things you love about your children, yourself, or whatever. I’d rather eat shit through a sewer grate than fucking read that garbage. Sure I wrote about my son … and I know it interests only me. There are actually people out there, spamming other blogs so we can read about them or their dumbass kids? What the fuck? At least throw up some sort of popup ad for Boner enhancers or something to make it remotely interesting.
With that in mind, I found a blog called “100 things about Linda” … So I wanted to make sure I gave 100 reasons I hate Linda and her blog. Linda’s blog in regular text, my blog in Bold.
1. I am 46 years old.Good! Hurry up and die!
2. I live in the Great State of Texas (I know, we can’t help it!)Along with many mentally ill people who enjoy killing each other.
3. I am married to my best friend.He must be a douche bag like you.
4. We don’t have childrenThat’s one good thing about Linda. Though she is probably too ugly to get sex.
5. We’re in the process of adopting an older child (girl).Whoops, I take back every nice thing I said.
6. I work for a finance companyI am a telemarketer.
7. This is my 21st year thereI do not have enough talent to find a real job.
8. I am currently in CollectionsWhat’s funny is I wrote #6 before I read this. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
9. I was a “domestic” exchange student my senior year of high schoolWhat the fuck is a “domestic” exchange student? My guess: she got to leave the special ed class once every Tuesday.
10. I got to stay with an Amish family for a portion of my stayYou should go back since a computer is obviously not helping you any.
11. I went to college locallyBig surprise. Community College or Sally Struthers?
12. I have ridden an elephantDance with who brought ya I always say.
13. I have worked in a haunted house as a witchWitch, Bitch, what’s the diff?
14. I wanted to be a criminologistAs does everyone who watches CSI. Glad to see your life goals started 5 years ago.
15. Then changed my mind and wanted to be a teacherThen I wanted to be an astronaut! Now I just want to be a better failure!
16. I ended up in finance – go figure!Calling Collections finance is like calling a whore a “relaxation therapist”.
17. Now that I am older, I would love to cut gemsA woman who likes jewelery. You are SO DEEP!
18. Or design jewelrySee #17 ...
19. I am a digital artistRead – I take pictures with a digital camera.
20. I want to learn to paint with oils how I “paint” with the mouseWhoops, she uses “Paint” for “Digital Art”. I use notepad for my “Digital Publishing”.
21. When I was a teenager, I met two Monkees – Davy Jones & Mickey DolenzWhen she says “met” she means “caught VD from”.
22. I watched the filming of “Terms of Endearment”On DVD …
23. And went to the premierWhen they re-released it on DVD, in my front room!
24. And got Jack Nicholson’s autograph.Actually it was his signature on the Restraining Order.
25. Later, I met Nolan Ryan and Lyle Lovett while auditing dealerships.Lyle Lovett tells us “Damn is she ugly.”
26. Even later, my friends and I had a private meeting with Dr. Phil.Is scoring tickets the same as a private meeting? In that case, I have had a “private meeting” with the Chicago Bears.
27. And right now, an autographed photo of Sean Connery is on my desk, looking at me.… wishing it could burn it’s eyes out.
28. I got married on Grand Cayman Island.Couldn’t get married anywhere land-locked. Too many places for her future husband to hide.
29. In the church my great-great grandfather helped to found.He actually “found” the church when he was looking for a bar to drown his sorrows over the birth of “the ugliest great-grandaughter ever” in his words.
30. I love the sea.… because I am part Maniti
31. If it were financially possible, I would live my days in the Victoria House on Grand Cayman Island.Lofty goals for someone who works in Collections.
32. I want to see puffins in person.And yet they do not want to see you.
33. I want to go to Iceland and Maine for that purpose.Please do. Anywhere there are less people for you to annoy.
34. I want to go to Greece.But am afraid because my husband may find another man.
35. Reading is my passion.It sure as hell ain’t writing …
36. I cannot choose a favorite book.Between “See Spot Run” and “The Cat in the Hat”? I’d go with Seuss.
37. Mark Twain’s “Innocents Abroad” is in my top three, along with Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”, and “The Ramayana”This is the part where she shows how well home-schooling works.
38. I can’t choose a favorite movie, either.Big shock…
39. Top three: To Kill A Mockingbird, It’s A Wonderful Life, and Twelve Angry MenI chose any movie with Jimmy Stewart because I am old and want to seem deep.
40. I have two dogs, Gracie and GordyThey both think I'm a loser.
41. We recently lost our oldest dog, Greta, and it still hurts to think about itGreta committed suicide by dumping a toaster into it’s bath water.
42. I have 3 nieces and two nephewsThey refer to me as Aunt Bitch-a-lot
43. I have one sister and one brother, whom I love dearly... and yet I can never get their phone numbers to connect.
44. Both my in-laws are deceasedDied from embarassment over their loser son no doubt.
45. My parents are both alive, divorced, and remarried... and I can never seem to ge their phone numbers to connect.
46. I love my dad’s wifeAnd you can too for $19.95!
47. I have no particular feeling for my mom’s husbandAfter he molested me ... last month.
48. I love both my parentsFor a fee.
49. My number of friends is smaller now, but dearer.Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.
50. I realize the importance of close girlfriends.Margarita.
51. I am a member of UnityOh christ, religious zealocism in 5... 4... 3...
52. I believe in GodWell whoopty-shit.
53. And that God is within all of us.Except the anti-christ ... damn you Emanuel Lewis!
54. I believe that God is good – all the timeWhat are you 6 or 46?
55. And that life is meant to be good!God's plan is for me to collect money from people down on their luck! Life ROCKS!
56. I also believe that nothing happens by accident... with the exception of her conception.
57. I am co-creating my life by my choicesTalk about a sentence that makes less sense every time you read it.
58. I know that words are powerful and positive self-talk is importantSelf-Talk? That must be creating a blog about yourself and then spamming it out.
59. And that positive affirmations can facilitate change down to the cellular levelRead - I am REALLY talking out of my ass now!
60. I love my spiritual homePlease go there.
61. I love my physical homePlease God, where is a good tsunami when you need one?
62. I quit watching TV for quite a whileSo she would have more time to devote to her favorite subject - Linda!
63. I’m watching it again, and (embarrassingly) I find myself regularly watching reality showsTaping yourself masturbating is not really "Reality TV" ... just really fat, nasty TV.
64. I am trying to lose weightA tall order for any Maniti.
65. I am excited about finding our daughter-to-beNot as excited as "daughter-to-be" is about staying in foster care or orphanages ... or being raised by a pack of Baboons.
66. And yet, I am not anxious as I know the choice will perfect and divinely appointedI think God already made his choice on that one. You're simply fucking up HIS plan.
67. I miss my grandma more than I can sayBecause - obviously - writing is not my strong suit.
68. She’s the person I would spend one more day with if it were possibleShe said she would rather spend it playing Bingo.
69. I know she knowsAnd she knows that I know that she knows that I know that she knows ... I am a loser
70. I would like to smell sheets hanging on a clothesline againThen get off your ass and do the fucking laundry!
71. I love the weather when you can wear shorts, but need a sweatshirtPersonally - Reed speaking - I'd prefer any weather where this walrus needs to wear sweats, sweatshirt, and two bags over her head in case one rips.
72. Right this very moment, I would like to be on the beach just looking for shellsStill looking for that tsunami ...
73. Camping is not for meAs well as swimming ever since the invent of harpoons.
74. Neither are bugsThank god they make a lotion for Crabs huh?
75. Autumn is my favorite seasonFall is the thing my downstairs neighbors fear the most ...
76. I love antiquesWhich explains my clothing and my vagina ...
77. I play online Scrabble with a friend in Australia, a friend in Hawaii, and my sister.Most played words: loser, douche, lonely, depressing, and dildo
78. I have a blog that not one person I personally know is aware of (including my husband) – I guess they’ll know now!So I feel the need to spam it ...
79. I am definitely a type-A personalityWould that be Asshole, Assface, or Assinine?
80. With type-B tendencies ;-)Actually it's Hepatitis not a tendency ...
81. I read every dayThe ingredients section in the back of Bon-Bons isn't really reading.
82. I don’t collect any particular thingExcept cellulite ...
83. I have created numerous websitesAll of which are as shitty as this
84. Making graphics is just plain funCan you make one of you kissing my ass?
85. I like tacky, retro kitsch – like dashboard hula dancers... or dildos in the shape of Klondike Bars
86. Monty Python and The Holy Grail still makes me laughGot to reach the nerd demographic so my blog can survive
87. Even when I’m not high (it’s been a LONG time!)Pot is soooo bad for fat chicks! Heroin will help me get thin!
88. My husband I wrote “The Gumbo Song” (you have to hear it, not read it)Yes, because by now 99.999% of your readers have fallen asleep, committed suicide, or fell asleep while committing suicide.
89. I love men’s arms – the bigger the betterUhm ... I will admit that last statement was more subliminal advertising.
90. I love men, period.I haven't lost enough weight to get a white guy!
91. And I love men wearing Grey Flannel cologneBecause it tells me they are desperate/
92. To me, Il Bacio perfume for women is the most sexually powerful scent created... next to bacon grease
93. I only wear it occasionally – most of the time, it’s Jessica McClintock for me.When I don't have Jessica on my face, my face is on Jessica.
94. I can’t believe I am almost out of spaces here – I think I could keep going and going!... and so many of use were HOPING you weren't joking!
95. I love the colors of yellow, orange, blue, and greenRiveting!
96. My favorite flowers are daffodils, roses, and peoniesPersonally - Reed speaking - I REALLY enjoy Tulips on my organ.
97. I can be very impatient at timesAnd yet you can take 6 hours to write a 100 item blog ...
98. Yet, I am very loyalTo myself because I love myself because I love my blog ... about myself ... did I mention I was loyal? ... to me?
99. I am also grateful – for more than this list allowsBecause - for Christ-sake - this list is not long enough!
100. And I believe in LoveAnd I believe in life after love, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Christ on a popsicle stick ...
Anyone who read this entire list is as big a douchebag as Linda ... get bent!