Saturday, October 29, 2005

12 Headlines You Wish You Would Read

My "Anger Man" column at WYD Sports is going away, so I am bringing over all of the past articles. If you've already read it, tough shit try doing something with your life that doesn't include reading stupid blogs!

12) Martha Stewart Gang-Raped in Prison: Former ImClone Employees Suspected
11) U2 Massacred on Peace Mission to 3rd World Countries: Fans Call for Blood
10) Rumsfeld Killed in Iraq … By Powell … Powell to receive Pardon and Medal for “act of patriotism”
9) PETA Disbands, Issues Apology: “We’re just a bunch of stupid, fucking hippies … we get that now.”
8) Even by State of Texas Standardized Testing criteria, President Bush still “functionally retarded”
7) Violent Anti-Abortion Group Bombs Self, Issues Excuse: “We’re just a bunch of stupid, fucking morons … we get that now.”
6) Oprah, Martha Burk, Martha Stewart, Dr. Phil, and All Televangelists to be beheaded live on Al-Jazeera: Don King buys rights to Pay-Per-View bonanza, then finds himself in same boat with the others
5) Advertisers realize Hip-Hop and Extreme Ads just piss off everyone, Issue Half-assed Apology: “We’re just a bunch of stupid, fucking ad execs … if we had real talent we would have come up with ‘Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!’”
4) The Simple “After”-Life? Paris and Nicole fall into Wood Chipper
3) J-Lo’s SAG card burned and then pissed on, told not to even sing in the shower: “I’m just a stupid, fucking, talent-less whore … have you seen Ben Afleck or P-Diddy?”
2) Who's Your Daddy wins election land slide: Nukes France as a warning to the world
1) Secret to long life in women Revealed: More Anal and Oral Sex

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Words dumbasses use to sound like more of a dumbass

In the last 8 years of my career I have found myself - grudgingly - having to converse with "business" people who are borderline retarded. Often they use great buzz words to make themselves sound important while the entire time I try to choke back the tears of laughter from their colossal ignorance. If you are an aforementioned dumbass, flambay your crotch so you cannot reproduce and infect the rest of the world.

Here's a worthless word. Quick, someone tell me the opposite of real-time? This is a ignorant person's word for "live" or RE-FUCKING-ALITY. I even hear commercials for some new Microsoft product that provides "real-time video conferencing" because there is nothing worse than having a conference in 15-minute tape delay apparently.

Think outside the box
If you utter this statement in my presence, I will be forced to drop kick you square in the ovaries. Not a woman? I will drop kick your mother in the ovaries, burn down your house, piss on the ashes, and then kick you square in the nuts. This stupid ass phrase has been the cause of countless hours of stupid meetings because John from Marketing thought it would be great to have customer support actually video-conference in realtime, in a moving van, parked outside of a client's house ... on a holiday. Seriously, people who start a sentence with "Thinking outside the box, I came up with an idea ..." Just save yourself the time and try swallowing your tongue as it will be more productive than the next hour of your life.

I need to check my blackberry.
Ever notice that people who own blackberry's are the last people on Earth that should try to tackle technology? Let's give these people $500 mobile items so they can check e-mail and send text messages. Fucking brilliant.

Rapid Application Development
This is actually a theory of development not a life style. You see, any time an IT Manager talks about Rapid Application Development, they actually mean "We have no fucking specs, but we need a project completed by yesterday and we don't know what the client wants." Why bother with stuff like Architecture when we can just use words like R.A.D. and - presto - shoot an application out of our ass!

acquisition or Merger
Basically this means "We bought another company, now we are going to bleed it dry before we take out a big fucking shovel to pummel it to death and bury it." These terms do mean something if you plan on keeping an asset. Takeover is the term for when you basically run something into the ground doing it your own way.

Listen, I sit in a 3-walled cubicle for 8 hours a day staring at a monitor and writing code for a living. Do you really think adding a shitty sandbox with a rake is going to bring me inner fucking peace? Whoever invented feng-shui is a douchebag and anyone who believes in it is a clueless douchebag.

The bottom line: Say what you mean. If you want to use buzzwords, know that everyone in that meeting who is not as ignorant as you (try everyone) will walk out thinking you are twice as stupid as they would if you had just kept your damn mouth shut.

My buzzword for the day is BLOW ME ...

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Product Alert!

I love the fact that you now have to enter words seen on the screen just to post a comment to a blog. Better yet, I love spammers! I sincerely enjoy the fact that there are losers out there who have nothing better to do than spam message boards, blogs, and any place they can trying to sell boner creams and dating services. With that in mind, I am always looking for a way to cash in so I have developed a new product that puts those shitty airline peanuts to shame ... I will call them "My Nuts".

Middle-aged, balding, and tired of spamming blogs all night? Eat "My Nuts"!

Need computer support because you're just too damn stupid to live? Eat a bowl of "My Nuts"!

Bored, desperate housewife? Play with "My Nuts"!

Snickers not satisfying enough? Try "My Nuts"!

Regular nuts not doing it for you? Go "macadamian" with our new product "My Big White Nuts!"

DISCLAIMER: "My Nuts" are not for children under the age of 18 ... 16 in some states.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Help Wanted

Web Developer\Designer Wanted
Good hours but occasional weekends.
Great Pay with good benefits.
Must not mind hazardous work environments.
Previous Jihad experience a plus.
Occasional suicide bombings should be expected.

That's right folks, Al-Qaeda is now hiring. Wanting to promote their message of intolerance and hate on the WWW, Al-Qaeda is looking for a few good web developers. Here’s a look careers of former Al-Qaeda web developers …

Mulomar Al-Jazeen – ORACLE Database Administrator who was shot during the interview process when he accidentally answered “No” to the standard “Do you hate the American infidels especially the Yankees?” question.

Osama Osama – A C# programmer who was working on the “Al-Qaeda for Kids” website when he was accidentally fragged thus ending the controversial, in-house “suicide bomber training” program.

Achmad Simsalabim – U.S. native and HTML designer whose less than stellar Arabic lead to his downfall. Achmad published a message on the live website that said “We will die infidels” instead of “You infidels will die”. Achmad was immediately fired and his severance was his own head.

Samir Almegdad – A "go-between" who took the specs from the users to the engineers. Samir perished in an office prank gone wrong when the spec sheets were coated with a highly toxic nerve agent.

Mohammad Atta – Great promise as a Network Administrator. His career took a downward turn when he accidentally e-mailed the entire Al-Qaeda usenet with vacation pictures of him and his friends in Las Vegas.

Though to be fair, here is a recent statistical analysis and breakdown of former and current Al-Qaeda developers:
5 Active Developers
47 Developers killed during interview process
12 Developers killed during mandatory weapons training
37 Developers killed by American bombs
14 Developers killed in suicide bombing
23 Developers killed by their own bombs
6 Developers who got bombed and then were shot for drinking alcohol

Whoops … make that 3 Active Developers and 25 Developers killed by their own bombs … That’s 3 spots they now have open! I have the contact number if anyone is interested?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Radom Musings +1

I woke up at 5am this morning laughing and just had to add this one to the list ...

I received my one-year review in the mail the other day from my last job. It was pretty good with the negatives being that I am too quick to make judgements and need to be more open-minded. Also, I can be condescending and abrupt in e-mails. In order to rectify this problem, I have come up with a standard e-mail that is both on-point and less abrupt so I can deal with half-wit programmers, galactically-stupid users, clueless IT Directors, and functionally-retarded DBA's. Please feel free to use it:
Though you are completely and totally fucking wrong, I respect the fact that you have a face. Get fucked, pretty please. :-)

BTW, if anyone has some complaints, praise, or any suggestions for me as a co-worker, friend, or in general please send them in hard copy via fax or US Mail because I only have half a roll of toilet paper left ...

Man, I need some fucking sleep ...

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Random Musings Part Free

"I'm a man, Marge. And as a man I like my beer cold, my women hot, and my homosexuals FL-AAAMMMING. FLLL-AAAAAAAAAMMMMIIINNGG!!!!"

Carpet munching my wife when she's on the rag is not my idea of 'Surf and Turf'' ...

I was at TGI Friday's awhile back ago and had the most clueless waiter\bartender on Earth. After screwing up my drink order 3 times - how hard is it to make a fucking Margarita on the rocks with salt??? - he proceeded to ignore our table. Finally I got up and asked him for the bill. He came over 10 minutes later and asked "Can I get you anything else?" I responded, "Yes, the bill I asked for 10 minutes ago and lessons in whatever language you speak because it sure as fuck ain't English." ... My tip was a sign on a napkin that read: "Try barber college!!!"

Kep's in Washington is celebrating their 5th year anniversary with theme nights all week and a huge blowout on Saturday with Jamm Sammich. Friday night is "White Trash Night" ... they were going to go with "Trailer Park Extravaganza" but they figured they would piss off a lot of their clientelle ... True story.

At least 17 Minnesota Vikings players are being investigated when they booked two charter boats on Lake Minnetonka for alleged sex parties. Coach Mike Tice has said that he would be "very disappointed" if the allegations were proved true ... mainly because he scalped his ticket for the cruise ...

Speaking of walking rectums, former NFL-linebacker Bill Romanowski is to make his debut this week on 60 Minutes to talk about his personal streroid use while whoring his new book. Man, that's exactly what this ego-maniac, spotlight-seeking, douchebag needs ... Many in the NFL expressed shock after reading the book. The steroid allegations were fine; they just didn't realize Romo was literate. Who knew?!?

My god have you heard the new commercial for American Express gift checks. You know the one with all the poorly done sound effects proving the black guy from Police Academy still has a career ...

Since I started with a Homer quote, I have to include his sign on the ESPN televised National Spelling Bee ...

I am positive that, right now, more than half of you dumbasses are still trying to figure out the joke above ...

I saw a bunch of dumbass, hippy Bradley students protesting at Main and University. Someone had a sign that said "Support our troops! Bring them home ALIVE!" ... I agree with the sentiment just not the hippy anti-war mantra (or basically anything a drug addled douchebag says) where if it was our national policy we'd be either speaking British English, German, or even Mexican by now. I was tempted to make a sign myself either "I'm NOT with Stupids --->" or "My parents are paying 20k per year so my dumbass can hold up this sign!" ...

Fuck off hippies ...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Tub Thumping

In grade school, a coach once said about me "If Reed were born 500 years ago, he'd already be his tribe's greatest warrior." One of things that I possess is a burning passion that can be sometimes misguided but deep down, in my heart, I LOVE a good fight.

When I was a young boy, I learned martial arts and was hooked. First, it gave me power that I never knew existed. Second, anyone who's a younger brother will know, you take some hellacious beatings from your older brother. Mine was 6 years older than me so think about the size difference between a 12 year old and an 18 year old. I began Tae Kwan Do at age 5 and was soon one of the best in the children's class. By the age of 7, I was too dangerous - not purposefully mind you - for the children's class so I was moved up to the adult class. I often sparred with my master ... who would kick the crap out of me. However, I learned to LIVE for those times when I got past his defenses and landed a solid kick or punch to his body or head. Sure I took 5 or 6 for my efforts, but I knew he was a champion - one of the best in the world and I bested him for one instance.

By the time I reached 4th grade I was one of the toughest (if not THE toughest) kid in school. I was never a bully - actually the contrary. I liked to stick up for the little kids, the guys who couldn't fight for themselves. As a product of martial arts, there were always kids in my school and other schools who wanted to test themselves. I never lost.

I have a fighting spirit; whether it is my Irish ancestry or my upbringing, I love to fight, I love to watch fights, I love to fight the good fight whether it is with fists or brains. Competition is a fight. I thrive on it. If I am programming, I want to be the best. If I am playing volleyball, I want to win. If I am in a street fight or boxing match, I will win or kill myself trying.

30 Years, well over 100 fights both in the ring and on the street and yet I have never lost. Sure I have been out-pointed in the ring, but I have never lost a street fight or been "beaten" in the ring ... and never will. The last three fights I have been in I haven't been so much as touched but the results were: broken jaw (Christmas guy), trip to the hospital for a former neighbor (and a Battery charge on me that I skated on at trial) and a beating for the jackass that attacked me and my wife in my car (he ended up pleading guilty to misdemeanor battery and paying me money for damage to my car).

I don't really have a reason or great conclusion to this blog. I just felt like I needed to explain myself so that years down the road my son will understand a little more about his dad. Some people who have worked with me refer to me as a "desk slammer". I can get pissed off coding ... really. It's not because I am psychotic or emotional, it's because I am exteremely passionate about everything that I do. I want to succeed in the worst way because your career, your life is a competition; you are either moving ahead or your losing. I refuse to lose and that's why I am where I am at today.

As the song says "I get knocked down, but I get up again because you're never gonna keep me down". That's a GREAT fight song ...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

2005 StupiterMedia Office Space Awards

Hey, we all know that we are not recognized enough for our contributions, so wouldn't it be great if someone out there found us a way to celebrate the things that make us ... well ... us? So, for 2005, I would like to present the Office Space Awards to those at StupiterMedia. As always, the names have been change and are COMPLETELY fictional, so don't act like you do or do not deserve a reward because it's all fictional ... really, it is.

1) The "Here's My Flair" Award goes to ... Condoleeza Katz
Yeah, here it is. Right there. After not even bothering to try to 1) talk to me after I put in my notice or 2) not living up to anything you told me prior ... whoomp, there it is. I just wish I had more hands and - thus - more fingers to show my flair.

2) The Most Desrerving to See my "Oh-Face" award goes to ... Heidi Sue Poon
Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about .. "oh, OHH, OOHHH".

3) The "Oh yeah, and I've been cheating on you!" award goes to ... Merribeth Jerome
I came to this conclusion by her 6 hour days that INCLUDED a 2-hour lunch, bad-mouthing of her own family, and sharing personal information of other co-workers told to her in confidence (not mine just stuff she repeated).

4) The "What the Fuck is PC Load Letter" Award goes to ... Saurabh "Sam" Wonder
I have seen trained chimps at the zoo who are more articulate than 90% of this guy's e-mails. My god, find a fucking language and stick with it.

5) The "Samir Naga-Naga ... NagaGonnaWorkHereAnymore" Award goes to ... Michael Alme-GonnaNotWorkHereAnymore
If you have an Arab name, you are just asking to get made fun of in this day and age. If you work in Washington DC, that goes DOUBLE.

6) The "Case of the Mondays" Award goes to ... Vegina Paris
Vegina is not known for either sunny dispositions or even polite discourse. Either get on Vegina's good side or wish you had died at birth ... ps. She throws staplers :-P

7) The "Jump to Conclusions" Award goes to ... Mick Shitzu
Mick is the poster boy for bad ideas that subordinates are not allowed to tell him ... "Gee, Mick. That's a terrible fucking idea!" All the while he re-writes search engines and works on Java script for 2nd-tier websites.

8) The "Take a Penny" Award goes to ... Jason Sixpence
To sum up Jason, I only have to tell the story of my "last supper" when he actually ordered food, ate it, and when he went to pay someone asked "Where the hell did you get a 20 from???"

9) The "Tits on Six" Award goes to ... Pat Accountingbook
Pat - though he left StupiterMedia MONTHS ago - is the sole reason that the search engine, to this day, still has the most hits on words "nude" and "bikini".

10) The "Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison" Award goes to ... StupiterMedia Management
This goes out to the StupiterMedia management and their SOX compliance and VISA compliance. I'm not sure I am qualified to make such an assessment, but when you change answers like "No", "Not even close", and "Are you fucking joking" to "Yes" when filling out compliance work sheets ... Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison should be in the cards.

OK, that's the 2005 installment. If anyone takes offense ... eat a bag-o-dicks!

Monday, October 03, 2005

100 things I hate about Linda

100 Things I hate about Linda

Have you seen this ignorant shit? So many people are “blogging” with so much time on their free hands. Now it’s en vogue to list 100 things you love about your children, yourself, or whatever. I’d rather eat shit through a sewer grate than fucking read that garbage. Sure I wrote about my son … and I know it interests only me. There are actually people out there, spamming other blogs so we can read about them or their dumbass kids? What the fuck? At least throw up some sort of popup ad for Boner enhancers or something to make it remotely interesting.

With that in mind, I found a blog called “100 things about Linda” … So I wanted to make sure I gave 100 reasons I hate Linda and her blog. Linda’s blog in regular text, my blog in Bold.

1. I am 46 years old.
Good! Hurry up and die!
2. I live in the Great State of Texas (I know, we can’t help it!)
Along with many mentally ill people who enjoy killing each other.
3. I am married to my best friend.
He must be a douche bag like you.
4. We don’t have children
That’s one good thing about Linda. Though she is probably too ugly to get sex.
5. We’re in the process of adopting an older child (girl).
Whoops, I take back every nice thing I said.
6. I work for a finance company
I am a telemarketer.
7. This is my 21st year there
I do not have enough talent to find a real job.
8. I am currently in Collections
What’s funny is I wrote #6 before I read this. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
9. I was a “domestic” exchange student my senior year of high school
What the fuck is a “domestic” exchange student? My guess: she got to leave the special ed class once every Tuesday.
10. I got to stay with an Amish family for a portion of my stay
You should go back since a computer is obviously not helping you any.
11. I went to college locally
Big surprise. Community College or Sally Struthers?
12. I have ridden an elephant
Dance with who brought ya I always say.
13. I have worked in a haunted house as a witch
Witch, Bitch, what’s the diff?
14. I wanted to be a criminologist
As does everyone who watches CSI. Glad to see your life goals started 5 years ago.
15. Then changed my mind and wanted to be a teacher
Then I wanted to be an astronaut! Now I just want to be a better failure!
16. I ended up in finance – go figure!
Calling Collections finance is like calling a whore a “relaxation therapist”.
17. Now that I am older, I would love to cut gems
A woman who likes jewelery. You are SO DEEP!
18. Or design jewelry
See #17 ...
19. I am a digital artist
Read – I take pictures with a digital camera.
20. I want to learn to paint with oils how I “paint” with the mouse
Whoops, she uses “Paint” for “Digital Art”. I use notepad for my “Digital Publishing”.
21. When I was a teenager, I met two Monkees – Davy Jones & Mickey Dolenz
When she says “met” she means “caught VD from”.
22. I watched the filming of “Terms of Endearment”
On DVD …
23. And went to the premier
When they re-released it on DVD, in my front room!
24. And got Jack Nicholson’s autograph.
Actually it was his signature on the Restraining Order.
25. Later, I met Nolan Ryan and Lyle Lovett while auditing dealerships.
Lyle Lovett tells us “Damn is she ugly.”
26. Even later, my friends and I had a private meeting with Dr. Phil.
Is scoring tickets the same as a private meeting? In that case, I have had a “private meeting” with the Chicago Bears.
27. And right now, an autographed photo of Sean Connery is on my desk, looking at me.
… wishing it could burn it’s eyes out.
28. I got married on Grand Cayman Island.
Couldn’t get married anywhere land-locked. Too many places for her future husband to hide.
29. In the church my great-great grandfather helped to found.
He actually “found” the church when he was looking for a bar to drown his sorrows over the birth of “the ugliest great-grandaughter ever” in his words.
30. I love the sea.
… because I am part Maniti
31. If it were financially possible, I would live my days in the Victoria House on Grand Cayman Island.
Lofty goals for someone who works in Collections.
32. I want to see puffins in person.
And yet they do not want to see you.
33. I want to go to Iceland and Maine for that purpose.
Please do. Anywhere there are less people for you to annoy.
34. I want to go to Greece.
But am afraid because my husband may find another man.
35. Reading is my passion.
It sure as hell ain’t writing …
36. I cannot choose a favorite book.
Between “See Spot Run” and “The Cat in the Hat”? I’d go with Seuss.
37. Mark Twain’s “Innocents Abroad” is in my top three, along with Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”, and “The Ramayana”
This is the part where she shows how well home-schooling works.
38. I can’t choose a favorite movie, either.
Big shock…
39. Top three: To Kill A Mockingbird, It’s A Wonderful Life, and Twelve Angry Men
I chose any movie with Jimmy Stewart because I am old and want to seem deep.
40. I have two dogs, Gracie and Gordy
They both think I'm a loser.
41. We recently lost our oldest dog, Greta, and it still hurts to think about it
Greta committed suicide by dumping a toaster into it’s bath water.
42. I have 3 nieces and two nephews
They refer to me as Aunt Bitch-a-lot
43. I have one sister and one brother, whom I love dearly
... and yet I can never get their phone numbers to connect.
44. Both my in-laws are deceased
Died from embarassment over their loser son no doubt.
45. My parents are both alive, divorced, and remarried
... and I can never seem to ge their phone numbers to connect.
46. I love my dad’s wife
And you can too for $19.95!
47. I have no particular feeling for my mom’s husband
After he molested me ... last month.
48. I love both my parents
For a fee.
49. My number of friends is smaller now, but dearer.
Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.
50. I realize the importance of close girlfriends.
51. I am a member of Unity
Oh christ, religious zealocism in 5... 4... 3...
52. I believe in God
Well whoopty-shit.
53. And that God is within all of us.
Except the anti-christ ... damn you Emanuel Lewis!
54. I believe that God is good – all the time
What are you 6 or 46?
55. And that life is meant to be good!
God's plan is for me to collect money from people down on their luck! Life ROCKS!
56. I also believe that nothing happens by accident
... with the exception of her conception.
57. I am co-creating my life by my choices
Talk about a sentence that makes less sense every time you read it.
58. I know that words are powerful and positive self-talk is important
Self-Talk? That must be creating a blog about yourself and then spamming it out.
59. And that positive affirmations can facilitate change down to the cellular level
Read - I am REALLY talking out of my ass now!
60. I love my spiritual home
Please go there.
61. I love my physical home
Please God, where is a good tsunami when you need one?
62. I quit watching TV for quite a while
So she would have more time to devote to her favorite subject - Linda!
63. I’m watching it again, and (embarrassingly) I find myself regularly watching reality shows
Taping yourself masturbating is not really "Reality TV" ... just really fat, nasty TV.
64. I am trying to lose weight
A tall order for any Maniti.
65. I am excited about finding our daughter-to-be
Not as excited as "daughter-to-be" is about staying in foster care or orphanages ... or being raised by a pack of Baboons.
66. And yet, I am not anxious as I know the choice will perfect and divinely appointed
I think God already made his choice on that one. You're simply fucking up HIS plan.
67. I miss my grandma more than I can say
Because - obviously - writing is not my strong suit.
68. She’s the person I would spend one more day with if it were possible
She said she would rather spend it playing Bingo.
69. I know she knows
And she knows that I know that she knows that I know that she knows ... I am a loser
70. I would like to smell sheets hanging on a clothesline again
Then get off your ass and do the fucking laundry!
71. I love the weather when you can wear shorts, but need a sweatshirt
Personally - Reed speaking - I'd prefer any weather where this walrus needs to wear sweats, sweatshirt, and two bags over her head in case one rips.
72. Right this very moment, I would like to be on the beach just looking for shells
Still looking for that tsunami ...
73. Camping is not for me
As well as swimming ever since the invent of harpoons.
74. Neither are bugs
Thank god they make a lotion for Crabs huh?
75. Autumn is my favorite season
Fall is the thing my downstairs neighbors fear the most ...
76. I love antiques
Which explains my clothing and my vagina ...
77. I play online Scrabble with a friend in Australia, a friend in Hawaii, and my sister.
Most played words: loser, douche, lonely, depressing, and dildo
78. I have a blog that not one person I personally know is aware of (including my husband) – I guess they’ll know now!
So I feel the need to spam it ...
79. I am definitely a type-A personality
Would that be Asshole, Assface, or Assinine?
80. With type-B tendencies ;-)
Actually it's Hepatitis not a tendency ...
81. I read every day
The ingredients section in the back of Bon-Bons isn't really reading.
82. I don’t collect any particular thing
Except cellulite ...
83. I have created numerous websites
All of which are as shitty as this
84. Making graphics is just plain fun
Can you make one of you kissing my ass?
85. I like tacky, retro kitsch – like dashboard hula dancers
... or dildos in the shape of Klondike Bars
86. Monty Python and The Holy Grail still makes me laugh
Got to reach the nerd demographic so my blog can survive
87. Even when I’m not high (it’s been a LONG time!)
Pot is soooo bad for fat chicks! Heroin will help me get thin!
88. My husband I wrote “The Gumbo Song” (you have to hear it, not read it)
Yes, because by now 99.999% of your readers have fallen asleep, committed suicide, or fell asleep while committing suicide.
89. I love men’s arms – the bigger the better
Uhm ... I will admit that last statement was more subliminal advertising.
90. I love men, period.
I haven't lost enough weight to get a white guy!
91. And I love men wearing Grey Flannel cologne
Because it tells me they are desperate/
92. To me, Il Bacio perfume for women is the most sexually powerful scent created
... next to bacon grease
93. I only wear it occasionally – most of the time, it’s Jessica McClintock for me.
When I don't have Jessica on my face, my face is on Jessica.
94. I can’t believe I am almost out of spaces here – I think I could keep going and going!
... and so many of use were HOPING you weren't joking!
95. I love the colors of yellow, orange, blue, and green
96. My favorite flowers are daffodils, roses, and peonies
Personally - Reed speaking - I REALLY enjoy Tulips on my organ.
97. I can be very impatient at times
And yet you can take 6 hours to write a 100 item blog ...
98. Yet, I am very loyal
To myself because I love myself because I love my blog ... about myself ... did I mention I was loyal? ... to me?
99. I am also grateful – for more than this list allows
Because - for Christ-sake - this list is not long enough!
100. And I believe in Love
And I believe in life after love, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Christ on a popsicle stick ...

Anyone who read this entire list is as big a douchebag as Linda ... get bent!

The Grass is Fucking Beautiful

When Jason Sixpence (no real names please as my screen play is still in progress) left StupiterMedia for Aquafina, he wrote a blog on how the grass seems greener on the other side. One day into Rasheed Longwang's day and I can report that - without a doubt - the grass is really fucking beautiful. Granted I had 6 years of this before and only left because my contract was up and they had no more work.

So how did my day go?

I talked to no less than 12 former\current co-workers who spent - at least - 15 minute catching up with me about what they have been doing and what I have been doing.

The CIO of the company came over to shake my hand and tell me "We are so glad to have you back ... No really! How many places do you go where everyone is excited about having you there!" ... I know my blogs are some long, some exagerated, and some bullshit, but that is a direct quote.

I looked at the code and see plenty of room for improvement and have already been asked to work with another Senior Developer on standards and practices. Here is where I get to use all those wonderful Microsoft books and real world experience.

Went to lunch with my immediate Manager who is also a Senior Manager (read IT Director for those at StupiterMedia). The last time I had lunch with Condoleeza was ... hmmmmm ... never. Then again, Bill is the equivalent - intelligence, personality, and skill-wise - of Joe Quixote only Bill is in the enviable position of being in a place that actually awards their employees with promotions and cold, hard cash. Not that I do not miss working with Joe it's just that great managers seem to share the same great qualities.

My best friend Deb is there and she replaces Vegina Paris in a way ... you see, Deb is my best buddy but she refuses to flip me off and throw shit at me. Damn I miss Vegina! :-)

There are no Mexicans so I feel no need to lock my car. Now that I write this, I am sure Pepe Malmgren is planning a trip to Bloomington in the near future.

There are some very nice people at the new\old company but none are as well endowed as Jessica Sweater-Puppies. However - from here on out - my goal is to work at a company whose health insurance pays only for breast ENLARGEMENT and not breast reduction. Good luck anyway Jessica! ;-)

I do miss all of my friends at StupiterMedia and hope all of you will find a new job soon. No, that's not a misprint.

Thank you guys for making my 18 months there great and really making my last days there even more special. I cannot thank you enough or tell you how much it meant to me and my family!