Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Merry Christmas ... here's your broken jaw

Christmas is a magical time filled with elves, Santa, and good will on Earth ... in whatever fucking fairy tale you live in! In my world, Christmas is filled with in-laws, family I rather not associate with, and drunken amateurs out on Christmas Eve. Let's harken back a few Christmas's ago when Santa asked me to deliver a gift to someone way up there on his naughty list.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the bar
I was doing shots of Tequila wondering “Dude, where’s my car?”
When in walked a jackass with two sluts and a ‘tude
Jose Cuervo told me “You need to bitch-slap that dude!”

The sluts started dancing and soon I was grinding
I told them I had mistletoe in my pants for finding
One bought me a drink and soon the other wanted one
I was sure Saint Nick would not be the only one who’d come

When out at the bar arose such a clatter
I damn near dropped my Corona seeing what was the matter
“You bitch” … “You whore” … “You stupid cock tease!”
Screamed their jackass friend at a friend of mine’s sqeeze

“That guys needs to leave,” said Angie at the bar
No bouncer there, I need to show him to his car
“Dude, it’s time to leave. Take your shit and go.”
You wouldn’t believe what he asked me to blow!

He tried to get puffy-chested with his new-found nuts
“By the way”, I intimated, “I’m gonna fuck your sluts!”
Now he’s pissed more, beer muscles and fiery spit
Tapping me in the chest while he says “Dude you ain’t Shit!”

A right hand from nowhere, more rights follow that
Tables and glass go everywhere while he … falls on his back
He clamors to his feet more tables and chairs go awry
Apparently it’s not been enough, what’s wrong with this guy?

He squares his shoulders to charge me, I almost laugh in delight
With good timing his ass won’t last long in this fight
He ducks his head at the last second, I brace against the wall
The upper cut starts at my knees, here’s his broken jaw!

He rocks back and hits the floor, I don’t know how he got up
He managed to make it to his car, before the police showed up
Too bad for him though, he really didn’t make it very far
The police arrested him for DUI … three blocks from the bar

So if you’re looking for a moral to this TRUE story
I guess I can give it to thee
If you’re a guy who takes out two sluts
Make sure you’re not the biggest BITCH of the three!

Friday, June 17, 2005

The12 Dumbest Fucking People on the Planet

The Michael Jackson trial was graced by an anomally ... the 12 dumbest fucking people 0n the face of the planet brough together for in the same place for the same cause: freeing a serial rapist of children.

What's more ridiculous is to hear these people's excuses for aquitting this low-life cocksucker. Here are a few I have heard already.

1. The prosecution failed to make the case. This was uttered by a juror who in his previous sentence said he had no doubt Michael Jackson molested children. WHAT THE FUCK??? His comment was that he had no doubt Jackson MOLESTS CHILDREN, BUT - in this case - the prosecution failed the burden of proof. How does that happen exactly? There was no doubt in the man's mind that Jackson was a sex offender and prior pattern is included in a court of law. So how is it the man has no doubt Jackson is a serial rapist and yet there is a REASONABLE DOUBT that Jackson did not molest the boy in question. It seems to me that prosecution did a fabulous job of proving Jackson was a serial rapist ....

2. The Mother was responsible. SO FUCKING CHARGE HER TOO! I don't know why the parrents are not being charged with pimping their own son. If the mother was not likeable who GIVES A SHIT! See how likeable you would be if one of your children was raped. Saying that the Mother though was more responsible is like saying Jeffrey Dahmer is innocent because someone sold him handcuffs and freezer bags. It makes NO FUCKING SENSE.

3. Michael Jackson is innocent. This came from his website and thousands of fans that have lost track of all fucking reality and common sense. Listen up folks: Innocence can be found in the eyes and heart of a child. Not Guilty does not mean fucking innocent. If this piece of shit is innocent, I'll flambay my nuts on a kerosene lantern ... in the middle of Main Street ... on Christmas fucking morning. INNOCENT?!? Don't make me fucking vomit.

One other thing for anyone who is ever on jury duty must know: if a person DOES NOT take the stand in their own defense, they are FUCKING GUILTY. Let's try this, next time you are out with some friends, turn to a guy in the group and say "You know, I heard rumors that you molest young boys." See how long it is before he is shouting back at you and hammering your face into playdoh. You know why? Truly innocent people will fight for themselves. They will take the stand, soap box on the street corner, or anywhere else they find to profess their innocence because there is nothing worse than being wrongly accused.

Ok, I'm done with this topic because any more and my fucking head will explode. About the only thing I can be thankful for is the trial wasn't in Florida where not only would he have been acquitted there is a good chance he would have been accidently elected president.

Fuck Michael Jackson and I will piss on his grave ... The sooner the better ...

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

God Bless

"And God created Satan so people wouldn't blame every bad thing on HIM ... and God created Lawyers so people wouldn't blame every bad thing on Satan ..."

It is important to thank god daily for all that HE (fuck you Alanis Morissette) has bestowed upon us. Here are just a few example of my daily prayers:

Thank you God for ...

making Jesse Jackson the biggest joke of a "reverend" he could possibly be.

not killing Jimmy Stewart because if there is one thing I know: the TV does not have enough televangelists.

allowing "team A" to beat "team B" ... apparently you like a good ass-kicking and will do whatever you can to make sure the team that praises you the most gets their just rewards.

humbling Kurt Warner for taking that shit a little too far!

the Michael Jackson trial. Only in America can we have people so sure the defense are liars and a millionaire can turn himself into the victim.

allowing Terry Schiavo to die peacefully ... after dying years prior but having to endure countless do-gooders the opportunity to prolong the life of a body that they had no relation to and no interest in afterward.

teaching Pro-Life advocates things such as how to become the best sniper one can be or how to build the better pipe bomb.

creating jobs in 3rd-world countries so the richest companies in the world can cut costs by outsourcing their needs. Creating a "boost" to these third-world countries so there people can live in pseudo-poverty while others in the company's country lose their jobs and live at a subsistence level ...


Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Random Musings

"I haven't been fucked like that since gradeschool!"

A kilometer is just the Mile's little bitch ...

Bisexuals are just plain greedy ...

When driving, the more stickers about God on a car the worse the driver ... they figure if Jesus is on their side they can kill all of us. Not only that but the bigger the dickhead (or cunt) behind the wheel. I love how being religious is synonymous for being a self-serving, pompous jackass fully topped with righteous indignation ...

Fuck, that last rant was a whole lot of big words. If you're feeling disoriented or sleepy feel free to stop here ...

If you're a nerd whose never watched science fiction ... kill yourself. You've become less than an nerd - if that's possible.

The State of Illinois is looking to pass a bill that would make it illegal for drivers under 18 to use a cell phone. Why not just make it everyone? What's worse: a stupid ass teenager on the phone or some dumb fucking soccer mom in her SUV with a boat load of kids chatting away?

Ask any guy and they will tell you ... drunk women rule!

What can you learn from a blog? I learned about Gizoogle, bad customer service in Peoria, bisexual conquests of my "work friends", things to do when you're not naked in New York, and a host of other shit. Blogs are good only if people are interesting ... Thank god I know interesting people.

Peorians drive like old people fuck ... SLOWLY and AWKWARDLY!

Is "awkwardly" a fucking word? I'm too tired to look it up so I say ... who gives a fuck: read it, understand it, and move on.

In China, when they bow, that means "blow me" right? I was at the buffet yesterday and some guy did that so I gave him a flying dragon kick to the esophagus. I was in the right after that whole "blow me-bow thing" right?

Things I learned from my own blogs? Not a goddamn thing. I hate everyone and everything and your dumb enough to be reading this crap. You need a life, JACKASS!

Piss off ...

Monday, June 06, 2005

Kill the White People

"Don't knock it Bobby. It's called the double standard. We got the long end of the stick on that one."

One of the things that's great about being a white guy is my awesome ability to oppress the masses. It's amazing how my day goes. Klan rallies, shipments of gold from South Africa, belittling blacks and hispanics, followed by a rousing game of "who should I oppress today".

If you are going to hate, racial epitaphs are too generalized. Get to know the person and then you can truly hate them

Back in High School I was involved in an altercation. One black kid had the audacity to call me a "cracker". Now to me, that was just appalling. Had the gentleman in question gotten to know me, he would realize that "cracker" doesn't do me justice. I am a borderline "dickhead" and an out-and-out "asshole" who's completely intolerant of people no matter what their color, gender, sexual preference, politics, etc. Had the gentleman got to know me, he could have REALLY figured out why - with good reason - people should hate me.

As for me, I had taken the time to know why I hated the gentleman - he was a piece of shit, low-life, thug wanna-be, so I informed him "That's pretty funny coming from a guy who doesn't have a daddy, just a list of 5 suspects." You see I called him a bastard (he is) and his mother a whore (she was) in one timely insult. Of course, the brawl broke out shortly after, but that's a different story. You see, I preach intolerance of others but not on something as trivial as skin color; that's hating someone for all the wrong reasons! Hell I can hate someone just to hate them, but I want to get to know them to understand WHY I hate them.

That's all I ask of America: Be tolerant enough to get to know someone well enough to hate them!

Coming soon ... Random Musings

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Shortest Blogs Ever

Recently, I realized I have been doing a lot more writing than I used to. So I decided to cut back and only create blogs that can be done in seconds. Here are some upcoming blogs so that I can save time:

1) Great IT Innovations of the Amish
2) Things My Fat-Ass ex-girlfriend WON'T Eat
3) Great NBA Jews of the 1990's
4) People Who Believe Barry Bonds
5) American-Indian Columbus Day Festivals
6) Super-Models I Wouldn't Sleep With: A Pissing and Moaning Exclusive
7) Parents Who Still have Michael Jackson on the "Approved Babysitter"-list
8) Questions a Child Will NEVER Ask
9) Women Who Strip yet AREN'T Whores
10) A History of African-Americans in NASCAR

Coming soon ... Kill the White People