Letter from a Reader
What advice would you give an 18 yo high school graduate getting ready to go U of I?
Aside from excepting Kevin as your Lord and Savior, I would take the following advice from a bitter, divorced, 31 year old who hates people and wants nothing more than to screw up as many lives as I can before turning the gun on myself ... Enjoy! :-) :-) :-) <--- I love smiley faces!!!!! <--- and exclamation points!!!!
1. Spend your summer with your high school sweetheart. Make it romantic. Live every day like it will be your last with her because it will be. Unless you are moving in together, you will not last in College. She will taking on guys 6-at-a-time and you will be surrounded by used-but-nice pussy everywhere you turn.
2. Enjoy your next 6 or 7 years. College is newfound freedom so don't go fucking it up by getting serious about a girl.
3. Reinvent yourself. You remember that time all the jocks ducked taped you to the urinal and then made you give them handjobs while looking at naked pictures of your mom? Well, no one in your new college does. You can be heir to the fucking English throne for all they know.
4. Welcome to the pond little fishy. I don't care if you're the biggest swinging dick all-star in your high school; that means absolutely shit. The good news? No matter what size the fish you are now, you will be on equal grounds in College and there is plenty of pussy to go around.
5. Do what you do best. If you are an athlete make that work. If you are a musician, make that work. If you have absolutely no discernible talents, learn how to throw killer parties and mingle. If you are a wall flower, learn how to meet ugly chicks because they are easy to talk to (out of desperation) and usually have cute friends.
6. Never, ever eat the big white mint.
7. No classes before 9am ... ever.
8. Make friends with nerds, they take the best notes for when you're recovering from last night's hangover.
9. Condoms, condoms, condoms!
10. Lube, lube, lube!
That about covers it. Good luck being a financial drain on your parents for the next several years of your life. Hope it all works out for you but my bet is by the time you get out of College the job of your dreams will already have been outsourced to India or some other damn country. Yay Bush!