Friday, June 16, 2006

Letter from a Reader

Dear Who's Your Daddy,
What advice would you give an 18 yo high school graduate getting ready to go U of I?

Aside from excepting Kevin as your Lord and Savior, I would take the following advice from a bitter, divorced, 31 year old who hates people and wants nothing more than to screw up as many lives as I can before turning the gun on myself ... Enjoy! :-) :-) :-) <--- I love smiley faces!!!!! <--- and exclamation points!!!!

1. Spend your summer with your high school sweetheart. Make it romantic. Live every day like it will be your last with her because it will be. Unless you are moving in together, you will not last in College. She will taking on guys 6-at-a-time and you will be surrounded by used-but-nice pussy everywhere you turn.

2. Enjoy your next 6 or 7 years. College is newfound freedom so don't go fucking it up by getting serious about a girl.

3. Reinvent yourself. You remember that time all the jocks ducked taped you to the urinal and then made you give them handjobs while looking at naked pictures of your mom? Well, no one in your new college does. You can be heir to the fucking English throne for all they know.

4. Welcome to the pond little fishy. I don't care if you're the biggest swinging dick all-star in your high school; that means absolutely shit. The good news? No matter what size the fish you are now, you will be on equal grounds in College and there is plenty of pussy to go around.

5. Do what you do best. If you are an athlete make that work. If you are a musician, make that work. If you have absolutely no discernible talents, learn how to throw killer parties and mingle. If you are a wall flower, learn how to meet ugly chicks because they are easy to talk to (out of desperation) and usually have cute friends.

6. Never, ever eat the big white mint.

7. No classes before 9am ... ever.

8. Make friends with nerds, they take the best notes for when you're recovering from last night's hangover.

9. Condoms, condoms, condoms!

10. Lube, lube, lube!

That about covers it. Good luck being a financial drain on your parents for the next several years of your life. Hope it all works out for you but my bet is by the time you get out of College the job of your dreams will already have been outsourced to India or some other damn country. Yay Bush!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

They call me "Tater Salad"

Since I have been devoting time to persoanl subjects on and off lately, I thought I would share a couple things of interest. My girlfriend runs background checks for a living ... there's some good news. Luckily, your record only consists of convictions and I retain the title of the "Teflon Don" now that John Gotti is playing with the fishes in hell. Both charges she found are listed as DISMISSED ... Who's your daddy, bitches!?!

At some point, my buddy Dan (one of Illinois's finest) decided he would lookup my arrest record ... more good news. "Jesus, it's longer than my fucking arm!" Dan told me - not joking. It is true; I have scraped a time or two with the law but nothing for the last several years. Of course, that's not to say I am innocent or on the straight and narrow, I just know which laws are say "morally defunct" and choose to break those.

Actually, if you have never been arrested, go to Peoria County and just get nailed on a D&D (drunk and disorderly). It will be worth it to go to county and watch all of your brethren stumble in throughout the night. I was sitting there once - mob action arrest which (of course) was dismissed for lack of cooperation by the victim (smart move on his part, btw!) - chained to the bench in the booking area. Jesus, you couldn't pay to see a show that good. That night I saw dealers, hookers, and even a wagon load of underage partiers. It was the best people watching you could ever do. My god, the stories, things you see, stuff you hear. I could write like 5 books just from that 6 hours ... priceless!

On a side note, running a red light, at night, in front of Morton PD is probably not the best way to avoid the police. At least the fine man in blue let me off with a written warning. Just waiting on Dan to call me as he does every time my name comes accross the wire.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Random Musings 11: The Future Porn Pandemic

Quick straw poll for those guys who missed my birthday party: You come home, the house is decorated inside and out in balloons, your very hot\very naked girlfriend is sprawled out on your bed ... do you really notice the presents and balloons in the corner of the room? I didn't and am getting shit for it - though in a cute way.

Better question: You come home, the house is decorated inside and out in balloons, your very hot\ very naked girlfriend is sprawled out on your bed ... you look at her, notice the balloons and presents then say "Awesome! Gifts! Can I unwrap them?" What are the odds you and cyclops will be playing tug of war that night minus the presents, balloons, and one girlfriend?

Speaking of birthday parties, mine was at Old Chicago this year. Free birthday pizza, $1.50 bottles, cute waitresses, sports on tv, smokes, good friends, my girlfriend ... throw in a shuttle service and some porn and they could call it heaven.

Running a red light directly in front of Morton PD at night is probably not the best way to avoid tickets. Granted, all I got was a written warning, but I think that's because the cop was looking at me like I was one of Jerry's kids.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al-Qaeda's HNIC in Iraq is now dead ... and thus begins a long line of fresh asshats to fill his dirt nap slippers.

Ding! Divorce is done! Ding! Divorce is done!

One of the good things about being divorced is I no longer have to sit through "Wheel of Fortune" each night ... or as I call it: Jeopardy for Retards.

Possibly #1 on the most assinine things I "learned" this week by the technologically stupid: Leaving your computer on for days, NOT connected to the internet, can cause it to get a virus! This gem came from some dumbass article my mom read in Peoria Journal Star. Really, Einstein? Apparently computer viruses are now fucking air born. Jesus, I can't wait for the day when I get an STD just by downloading porn!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Dating Life

OK, maybe this is not as cool to the rest of you as it is to me. Friday night, my new girlfriend met me shortly after work at my house. She has Friday's without her son and chose to spend it with me and the circus :-) (all 3 kids this weekend). She came over about 6:30, hung out until all three were down for bed at 8:15. And by "hang out", I mean actually played with them even during the start of the Cards-Cubs game. Then she went to the store because I had very little cold beer and came back with a twelve pack of Bud Select (not my favorite but hey I had a couple cold Miller Lites) because she couldn't find a 6-pack of Beck's Light - which is very good by the way.

We split a Red Baron Supreme Pizza - she ate half (the big half) and I ate the other half - while we watched the Cards-Cubs game. Of course, she's a Cardinal fan so she gets like a gazillion points right there. So, my girlfriend, on the night she has to go out, decides to spend a night in with me, my children, drink beer, eat pizza, and watch the Cardinals. The only negative - if you call it that - was she fell asleep in the oversized chair during the game. Granted, it went to 14 fucking innings and the Cards lost, but I cannot deduct any points for that.

Those that have met her can atest to her personality and hotness. You'll also take my word for it because she is very good in other places as well. If this ever goes sour, I will refer to her as "Crazy Bitch" just because of the song - listen to it closely.

Divorce is final on Monday. The kids are doing great. Life is good ... save for the fucking Cardinals who've dropped two straight to the fucking Cellar Dwellers.