Wednesday, July 20, 2005

M. Night Shyamalan is Hindi for "One Hit Wonder"

If you haven't seen all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies then there are SPOILERS ahead ... if you have seen them all, I will TYPE SLOWER because your are fucking dumber and dumber with each viewing ...

Start with the best: The Sixth Sense
Great acting, nice original idea. There were parts to make you jump and an eery feeling about the entire movie. Screw all of the "geniuses" who say "Well I figured it out long before ... blah, blah, blah". Don't care if you did, it was still a good movie. Score a big win for Shyamalan that keeps getting his movies made by studios even though they suck donkey dick.

OK, now the crap ... and there is plenty:
Signs: OK, Maddox over at wrote one of the funniest rants on this movie I have ever read. I suggest you read it as well. Have you ever really THOUGHT about this film? Aliens come to Earth in INVISIBLE space crafts yet there weakness is ... WATER! They come millions of miles, in invisible space crafts, to a planet that is 90% water and let's not forget our atmosphere ... here's a little hint "It's not the heat, it's the humidity!" Oh yeah, and they are so terrifying they can't get out of a locked pantry. My 2.5 year old can find his way into and out of a locked pantry door. This movie took stupidity to a whole new level ... and fans CHEERED for it!

Unbreakable: I got tumor from watching this movie. Let's get this straight, Bruce Willis is unbreakable yet WATER (again) is his "kryptonite". So someone who can bench press a shit load and can walk away from seemingly any situation of harm can't breathe underwater? Is he unbreakable or fucking aqua man? I guess, water is - yet again - the downfall of aliens and super heroes. I would even take this a step further and say water is the kryptonite of all super heroes if you fucking drown them! Batman, Robin, Daredevil, Cat Woman (well you'd have to fucking drown her like 9 times but still), and even Bruce Willis. What a load of steaming feces this movie was.

The Village: Talk about a bunch of tree-hugging hippy crap. Non-violent pussies build their own commune to avoid the trials and tribulations of real life. Even though they are all highly educated (and wealthy) no one expects that shit like PENI-FUCKING-CILLIN may come in handy in this situation. You know for things like infection or VD from all the incest going on. And Jesus H Christ, I thought retarded people as the psycho killer went out with that "Never Seen Before"episode of Life Goes On; you know, where Corky sees Becca "landing planes" with 3 guys and stabs everyone before the closing credits? Oh yeah, "in my mind" that's how that turd of a series ended.

Stewart Little: Let's see, a mouse who drives a sports car, talking animals, and a family who adopts the mouse ... Yep, it's at least more plausible than Signs! But you may say "It's a kids movie. Cut him some slack." Well, my kids watched 30 minutes of it and begged me to turn it off to watch reruns of C-SPAN. That's how bad this movie was. I found my wife minutes after it started trying to find the curling iron setting for "searing death" ... whether it was for her, me, or Stewart Little she won't say.

I was wrong ... Shyamalan is Hindi for "Cashing In" ...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Dear Morgan Spurlock

Get Fucked.


Do you know who Morgan Spurlock is? Yes, it's the same guy who ate McDonald's for 30 days and came to the conclusion (drum roll please) ... you get fat. Who knew?!? I mean aside from millions of overweight Americans plus one fatass ex-girlfriend of mine. So what happens when you film a dumbass premise and release a movie in this country? You get rewarded with your own crappy cable show! It's the American way!

The new show is called 30 Days (very creative ... I have more taste in my dick) and appears on FX which disappoints me to no end because FX has come out with some great TV sans this steaming turd. The context of the show? You got it! Do something you wouldn't normally do for 30 days and have film crews tape it.

So channel surfing I find this moron and his wife living on minimum wage. I mean, thanks be to god, we can all watch a millionaire live on minimum wage and tell us how hard it is. So here is the recap: It's hard, there's not enough money, life sucks, you can't afford basic needs ... except Morgan and his wife will go back to their palatal estate when they are through slumming it. There are countless working poor out there struggling daily who don't get their own cable show to condescend others. After watching the first 20 minutes I had to turn it off. I found it more informative - and less painful - to stick forks into my own testicles.

Other upcoming shows include: a white guy who lives as a Muslim (most quoted line "Praise Allah and pass the ammunition") and a military guy who hates gays and has to live in San Francisco's Castro district with a gay man ("Stand at attention little soldier"). WooHoo!

Here's to hoping for the next 30 days Morgan Spurlock runs head long into a wall and concludes it causes a fucking brain hemorrhage.

Monday, July 18, 2005

How's Your Universe Today?

The other day I was talking about a web project with a useless person who will remain nameless. The person actually told me "In my mind, it doesn't work that way!" Are you fucking kidding me?

My god, why listen to the architect of the system? Just because I wrote it from scratch means nothing because, in their mind - and I use that term loosely, something doesn't work in the same way? I responded with "Well, in REALITY it works the way I just told you it does."

Actually though, I realized that my will and reality shouldn't be different. From now on, everything must work the exact same way as my mind otherwise it is wrong and I need to bitch at people for it. That day was filled with many surprises and disappointments.

My auto mechanic vehemently denies the notion that when I step on the gas pedal, little elves stoke a furnace, which boils water, which makes my car go faster. Several angry letters and calls to the Big 3 car manufacturers have been ignored. I will get my way though don't worry. I learn that if you bitch enough in this world, especially if your views are in the minority, people will eventually give in. I can't wait to see those elves!

The Dell "Support" Rep actually laughed at me when I suggested that computers were run by widgets and several hamsters on a wheel. I told her - for certain - I can hear the wheel at times and I have heard the squeaks (usually beeps) of the hamsters. I wanted to know which widget maker they used to create the pieces for my computer. Thanks to her assinine behavior, I have left several unanswered complaints with Dell executives and have even asked for her dismisal. I will update when I hear anything.

I did have some good news when I talked to Papa John's. Apparently the pizza is created just how I thought it was. Basically, midgets pound dough into usable circles using a pizza pan and little mallets. Toppings are then added by robots to measure out the perfect amount of ingredients. Next, it is sneezed on (full shield guard) by a fire-breathing dragon named "Snuba". The robots then remove the shield guard while the midgets box the pizza. Flying monkeys take the pizzas to the drivers whose job's are to randomly circle houses who call out for pizza "a lot". It make perfect sense not only to me but of the great innovators at Papa John's! They asked me for any input to help further the process, but I told them "You guys KNOW what you are doing better than me!"

OK, gotta run ... I have Samsung on the line and I'm trying to shake the Oompa-Loompas out of my DVD player ...

Friday, July 15, 2005

Stupid Blogs

I wrote about a page and a half long blog only to have it get deleted when I clicked the Save as Draft button. Who's the fuck-rag that wrote this program ... Matt?

OK, I couldn't say Joe because ... well, he can fire me now.

I couldn't say Tadi because ... that would be too easy blaming an ORACLE dba for - more than likely - another database failure.

I couldn't say Saurabh because ... he pretty much wouldn't care.

I couldn't say Roman because ... he's too nice of a guy to browbeat him in my blog.

I couldn't say Gina because ... she'd probably go all Cybil on me and throw shit.

I couldn't say Jason because ... he's best friends with Joe ... and Joe can fire me.

I couldn't say Aaron because ... I need his help with Promos and Discounts ... after that it's open season.

I couldn't say Zach because ... he's the star witness in my workman's comp lawsuit after Chirs asked my help in moving that heavy fucking hardware out of the server room.

I couldn't say Tony because ... he would cut me.

I couldn't say Chris because ... he's a manager and also bigger than me.

I couldn't say Kal because ... he's another nice guy even though I hate ORACLE.

I couldn't say Jessica because ... after reading her blog you don't want to piss that girl off.

I couldn't say Chad because ... he's a Rock and Roll star and he'd completely trash me when he does his autobiography. Plus when he does make it big, I want to be a roadie or part of his posse.

So I chose Matt, who probably could give me a beating but the chances of seeing him in Illinois again are the same chances a Big Mac stands with my fat-ass, ex-girlfriend ... slim to none and slim left town.

If anyone feels left out ... GOOD! Take that BI-ATCH!!!