Friday, August 22, 2008

Workplace Harassment for Hetero White Guys

Recently, my company sent out mandatory training for all employees on harassment at work. These "training" sessions pop up once every so often and are taken online at the comfort of your desk. The funny part is that they are so incredibly bad, if you miss an answer you should be fired. Questions and answers are so bad my dog got 10 of 10.

Bob is one of your direct reports. Bob is also a black man. How should you greet Bob in the morning?
A. Tell him "Do my work Toby!" and make whipping sounds.
B. Yell "What's up my urban homey!" at the top of your voice.
C. Say "Hello Bob your a valued member of our team."

Personally, I'd pick A but the people a little higher up than me may frown upon my shenanigans.

To really hammer home the point that your company thinks all of you are stupid, they have to "explain" why the wrong answers are "not the best answers". You mean, I cannot scream at a paraplegic for not standing during the pledge of allegiance? Please, tell me more!

The point is that I never have found any value in these "training" exercises so instead of pissing and moaning, I thought it high times to write my own. And this isn't any run-of-the-mill training exercise, this is the DEFINITIVE workplace harassment guide for WHITE MEN. Finally, something that us white guys can use to help us keep the workplace harassment free! So, let's start the test!

1) Bob is a factory worker but doesn't watch football. Many of his co-wokers do and poke fun at Bob. How do you handle the situation?
A. Poke fun at him endlessly. Compare him to lance armstrong minus the ball. This is not the best answer because at one time Lance Armstrong had two balls and Bob could sue you for wishing him ill.

B. Ask him what's the best tasting underwear he likes with his smothered sausage ... This is not the best answer because some fags tend to be vegan so therefore implying he loves meat could get you in trouble.

C. Get to know him. Invite him on a double date with you, your smokin hot GIRLFRIEND, and her gay male cousin. This is the best answer because it shows you'r not only down with the fucking queers but you got his best interests in mind.

2) Jerome your black male direct report has asked for Qwanza to be considered a holiday. How do you respond?
A. Tell Jerome that there are enough bullshit holidays he can have off. This is not the best answer lest Jerome questions Kasimir Pulaski day.

B. Tell Jerome that unlike MLK day there is no sign on Qwanza that says "Dead Nigger Holiday." This is not the best answer because maybe Black Jesus did die and resurrect after 3 days and therefore his apostles did indeed have dead nigger storage.

C. Tell Jerome that you respect his pride in African-Americans so much that Qwanza will be observed ... but on Thanksgiving, Lincoln's day, and Labor Day he has to work because Niggers were not around for the first, were freed by the second, and won't really be affected either way by the thrid.

3) Pablo spills coffee on your important docs. What do you do?
A. Tell the fucking wet back to go mow the lawn. This is not the best answer because if mowing the lawn isn't in his job description you could face disciplinary action.

B. Ask him not to steal anything while you go grab napkins. This is not the best answer because then he'll know you're on to him.

C. Tell him it's ok because most Mexicans can't afford Starbucks unless they get an employee discount. This is the best answer because he'll appreciate you knowing about his personal life and empathizing with his financial status.

4) Beth, one of your very large direct reports, has shown up to work in a tank top and mini skirt. Both items are against company policy how do you resond?
A. Tell Beth that if God wanted her a size 2 he would have miracled her ass by now. This is not the best reponse because if Beth is an atheist she'll take offense at the use of God in your response. If she is a religious person, telling her God has not responded to her prayers could cause problems.

B. Tell Beth that if you wanted to see that much nauseating skin, you'd rent Silence of the Lambs. This is not the best answer because Beth could take that as an attack on her well-being and report you to HR and the police. No sense going all "Buffalo Bill" on her fat ass.

C. Remind Beth that harassment is a problem in the company and people could start dry heaving at her appearance. This is the best response and she'll thank you for the reminder. (Try not to look at her directly though it's kinda like a bad car wreck - you don't WANT to look ... you just GOTTA look.)

5) Your very attractive direct report Ivana has bought a very nice dress from Macy's and is wearing it today. She asks if you like it. How do you respond?
A) Tell her that it makes her ass look quite fuckable. This is not the best response since it also makes her tits look bigger and more succulent.

B) Tell her it makes the clock in your pants point to high noon. This is not the best response. Drawing attention to your engorged member makes you look like an 8th grader in Sex Ed and Ivana and your subordinates may lose respect for you.

C) Tell her that it looks great and would probably hold it's shape on your bedroom floor all night. This the best reponse. Not only are you complimenting Ivana on her smart style sense but you also are paying a direct complement to the quality of the fabric.

6) Huan is a Vietnamese immigrant who works for your company as a DBA. Recently he disagreed vehemently with your latest proposal. Given that Huan's opinion is valuable but yours is the ultimate decision, how do you respond?
A. Tell Huan you should have shot his ass in D'Nang when you had the chance. This is not the best answer because these slant-eyed little fuckers have patience and a mean streak a mile long. Huan could retaliate and turn the "Welcome" mat in your office into a bamboo staked pit trap.

B. Tell Huan that if he keeps his mouth shut next time, he can have some steaks courtesy of your ready-to-be-put-down St. Bernard. This is not the best answer because St. Bernard is a very low quality of canine delicacy and Huan could take this as an insult to his palate.

C. Tell Huan that though you respect his opinion he can Hanoi you and don't try Tet again. This is the best response because Charlie will know you still hold a grudge and not to fuck with you again.

7) One of your direct reports, Tila, is known as the office Trollop. She offers to give you a blow job for giving her a much wanted promotion. How do your respond?
A. Take the blow job and fire her. This is not the best response because firing her would dampen your chance at getting a blow job later when you really need one.

B. Take the blow job and promote her. This is not the best response because your other direct report Amy is way hotter and you could probably get some anal action too.

C. Take the blow job and giver her a raise. This is - by far - the best answer because - Dude! - it's not your fucking money right!?!

Labels: , , , , ,

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Status Messages

If you've ever used message boards, chat services, IM, or social networking sites, you'll know that one thing you can set is a "status message." Most assholes set these to something that they think is hip or cool but usually allows most normal people to figure out they really are a douchebag and to move on. However, on occassion I have used - or came accross - some of these that do grab my attention. I thought I'd share some of my favorites:

"Masturbating." It's honest and direct and - let's face it - your probably surfin porn anyway.

"Putting the 'sensual' back in 'non-consensual.'" Ladies appreciate a man who takes his time whether it's the guy they fucked in the bathroom of their favorite bar or the stalker who loves dressing up in their thigh highs.

"On a mission from God." I love it. It's all about mystery in this one. Is the person one of those Born-Again rightwing Christian douchebags, maybe they're a John Doe serial killar ala Se7en, or maybe their just a good old down to Earth Chicago Bear fan. It's the journey finding out not the destination.

Those are just a couple, but I'm sure there are more. Here are a couple that will make sure you never get a response from anyone in their right mind:

"Listening to Coldplay." If you're a guy at least you'll get the fucking homos contacting you.

ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CAT(S). If you're a guy: That's Kevin Spacy gay. If you're a girl, then your some high maintenance cunt with more issues than Readers Digest.

ANYTHING MISSPELLED TO SEEM COOL. This would include (but not be limited by) Chillin, Ballin, Cruizin, and any form of the word "-izzy". So as a general rule if you are "Chillin at the hizzy" you are fucking douche and not worth anyone's time.

Anyone have anything to addy? <-- So, I'm a douchenozzle, I'm chillin with it!

Labels: , , , ,