Romney Reboot 10.0: Romney Shows his Feelings

With the Romney campaign on it's 9th reboot, I figure the boys are just about out of ideas.  So why not turn to somewhere else that's out of ideas: Hollywood. I think this stump speech will play well to his base.  Also, he could even incorporate Sandra Bullock into it because she's actually been seen with a black person ...

Mitt: I want to tell you a story. I'm going to ask you all to close your eyes while I tell you the story. I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen to yourselves. Go ahead. Close your eyes, please. This is a story about a little boy riding his olympic dancing horse home from practice one sunny afternoon. I want you to picture this little boy. Suddenly a ghetto station wagon races up. Two gay men jump out and grab him. They drag him into a nearby field and they tie him up and they rip his $2,000 riding suit from his body. Now they go through his wallet. First one, then the other, raping his wallet, shattering everything innocent and monetary with a communist paw in a fog of entitled breath and sweat. And when they're done, after they've taxed his tiny wallet, murdered any chance for him to have a tax shelter, to have life beyond his own country, they decide to use him for target practice. They start throwing full arugula plants at him. They throw them so hard that it tears the flesh all the way to his bones. Then they urinate on him and the American flag. Now comes the hanging. They have a rope. They tie a noose. Imagine the noose going tight around his neck and with a sudden blinding jerk he's pulled into the air and his feet and legs go kicking. They don't find the ground. The hanging branch isn't strong enough because it was made by Mexicans. It snaps and he falls back to the earth. So they pick him up, throw him in the back of the truck and drive out to a Kenyan bridge over Kenyan Creek. Pitch him over the edge. And he drops some forty-seven feet down to the creek bottom below. Can you see him? His taxed, beaten, broken wallet soaked in their urine, soaked in their socialism, soaked in his own red-white-and-rich blood, left to die. Can you see him? I want you to picture that little boy. Now imagine he's a corporation.

Economics for Corporation Tax-Cut Enthusiats

a.k.a. ECON101 for ABSOLUTELY FUCKING STUPID ...

Say I'm in the business of selling widgets. Normally, we produce five widgets a day and sell five widgets a day, and make a reasonable profit on this. With the economic downturn however, we're now only selling four widgets a day, and our cash flow is starting to run negative. Unfortunately, we have to let go one of our widget-makers to make ends meet.

Republicans see this and give us a tax break to offset our cost. Now thanks to the tax breaks, we have the same positive cash flow as we did before and have enough income to pay our fifth widget-maker again. But why would we hire him back? We're still only selling four widgets a day, so hiring on a fifth worker would only earn us warehouse costs for storing overstock.

Meanwhile, the middle-class starts complaining about their cost of living, and Republicans tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and manage their money better. Stop buying all those unnecessary luxuries like video games, appliances, and widgets.

The middle-class realizes that the Republicans aren't going to help them and tighten their belts. Now we're down to selling three widgets a day, and our cash-flow is going negative again. Our fourth widget-maker is let go. Republicans start flailing and demanding that our company needs an even bigger tax break so that we can keep our workers. But even if we end up paying 0% in taxes, the fact still remains that our company's income comes from the middle class.

Our income troubles are NOT because we are being taxed too heavily, it's because there is no demand for our product because the consumer class who supplies us with our income is being bled dry by the very government claiming to be helping us. Yes, more usable cash allows for us to create jobs but only if that cash comes from an increase in sales, not a decrease in taxes. It's the middle class who needs more free cash flow, not us. Once our consumers have more buying power, the money pumped back into the economy will find its way back to us, and we'll have the incentive to start hiring again.

The Long Game

After several attempts to quell a growing black bear population the Alabama legislator - after several failed attempts - put out a $250,000 reward for anyone who could fix the problem. Months later and still no realistic claims for the reward, a young man came to the state capitol and declared he would fix the problem but it would cost the state $5 million dollars.

Desperate but no sucker, the Governor asked "How do you fix to do that son?"

The young man responded, "Well governor, as a young boy I was raised good Christian and know the bible through and through."

The Governor said skeptically, "Well that doesn't explain how you're going to fix it."

The young man responded, "Well Governor, I also was given by God the ability to speak with animals. I've spent every day of my life praying and giving glory to God. And every chance I get I go to the woods to be with his creatures. I figured the time has come to do God's work and I will convert the black bears to Christianity and teach them abstinence."

The governor was quite taken aback by this but the young man went on. "And Governor, I do not want any money. I will go to the woods for some time and then if the black bear problem isn't fixed come next season, you will not owe me a single penny. Whatta you say, sir?"

So the Governor thought and prayed on it and finally agreed. So one Monday, the young man, surrounded by television crews, skeptics, well-wishers, and the governor himself walked into the woods with just some meager belongings and holding his holy bible high above his head. Six weeks later the young man came walking out of the woods to quite less fanfare but met the governor again telling him "I will return in 6 months and you will see the fruits of my work."

Six months goes by and sure enough the young man returns. And to the governors delight the black bear population had dropped significantly back down to acceptable levels. The young man was brought to the capital to much fanfare as the governor presented him with a check for $5 million and thousands of fans as well as throes of media. The young man simply accepted the check smiled and said "All glory to you my Lord." The young man took pictures, shook hands, spoke the gospel and at the end of the celebration disappeared just as mysteriously as he had come.

A month later - just by happenstance - a yankee reporter down south for a convention came across the young man drinking a beer in a small tavern. The reporter, recognizing the young man was overcome with curiosity and made his way over offering to buy the young man a beer and - perchance - get an inside story. The young man obliged and the reporter bellied up to the bar with him.

Being a yankee and a reporter, he was obviously skeptical but his curiosity was too much to contain. "So how did you take care of the black bear population?" he asked.

The young man looked him like he was dense and simply replied "Well I did what I said I was going to do, I went into the woods and I taught the black bears the bible and abstinence-only sex education."

"That's impossible," the reporter blurted. "They can't even teach PEOPLE abstinence-only sex education what's your trick?"

The young man took a long pull on his beer and with coy smile asked "Off the record?"

The reporter, now overcome with more curiosity than a big scoop thought hard, and finally beaten, said "Yes".

The young man smiled wide, took another drink and began "Well, I grew up in the woods all my life. I went to college and studied Biology focusing on wildlife. I then went on and got a PHD as well. After college I came back to Alabama and couldn't find work because of my college education, so I did what I could to get by. When the black bears became a problem I began looking at the different causes for it - and without boring you - I found that it was just a natural spike in their population which would soon ebb just as everything does in nature." And with that he sat back and took a self-satisfied drink of his beer.

The reporter was stunned. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. "So you made up some story about speaking to animals and all of that?? Why didn't you just tell them the truth?!?"

The young man's smile turned to a very serious face for once. He looked the reporter dead in his face and said "Do you think anyone in this state would believe me if I told them it was 'science'?"

As the reporter took this in, the young man beemed again as he added "Plus, next year they're going to pay me another $2 million just to go back and try and reach the black bears who didn't convert!"

Never go Full Palin

Check it out. Dan Quayle, 1988, look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Misspelled words, stumbled over basic grammatical structure and sentence-forming, even in prepared speeches. Dumb, sho'. Not retarded. You know Al Gore, Cinton Administration. Slow-talker, yes. Retarded ideas, maybe. But he birthed a Futurama writer and was a level 12 Vice President. That ain't retarded. Joe Biden, "Yes We Can." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full Palin, GOP. Never go full Palin. You don't buy that? Ask Lloyd Bentsen, 1988, "Dukakis/Bentsen." Remember? Went full Palin, went home empty handed...

Senator Larry Craig, who you crappin'?

This was my contribution to The Boers and Bernstein Show two weeks ago on the segment "Who You Crappin'?" If any of you listen to 670AM The Score out of Chicago, my moniker is "Paul Edinger's Chess Set".


FROM: Paul Edinger's Chess Set in Morton

This crap goes out to, Senator Larry "Really-Really-Really Not Gay" Craig. Craig said that he would resign from the senate, but only if he could not get his conviction for lewd behavior in a public urinal overturned. This week however a judge upheld the conviction. Craig of course toe-tapped around his earlier statement by explaining "I will continue to serve Idaho in the United States Senate, and there are several reasons for that." Several? I can think of only one. With the rash of gay Republican, "toe-tapping" sex scandals of late, one has to believe the men's room at the GOP National convention will be like a rousing rendition of Riverdance. So Larry Craig the next time you're in a public urinal trying to get some hearty man love - first, check your stance and then ask yourself: Who are you crapping?