Kerry Wood Watch

Well, the decision to name Kerry Wood as the closer for the Chicago Cubs is already paying off dividends ... for the NL Central.

Wood showed his mastery today as Carlos Zambrano pitched a near perfect 2-hitter through the 8th inning. Wood came on in the 9th and his first pictch as the Cubs closer was a microcosm of his career as he hit a batter. This was a sign of what was to come as woods gave up 2 hits, 3 earned runs, and a walk to go with the hit batsmen.

If it weren't for Fukudome's bottom of the ninth heroics hitting a home run to tie that game at 3-3, Chicago would have fallen with Wood starting the season 0-1 despite no longer being a starter. Eventually, Bob Howry took the loss for Chicago giving up a sacrifice fly in the 10th to Tony Gwynn, but I think we all know who blew this game for the Cubs!

Thank you Kerry from one Cardinal fan to a washed-up, never-was-or-will-be.

You're Doing it Wrong: Masturbating at Work

Easter Sunday I ate an early dinner with my girlfriend and all the kids. Despite chowing down on ham, potato salad, deviled eggs by the handful and plenty of bake beans; I found myself starving later that night. I ended up raiding the cupboard for a late-night nacho concoction complete with chips, cheese and jalapenos.

Monday, when I went to work, I was damn near tearing my pants off around 8:30 as the gas and nachos decided "no mas". The corporate bathroom is a tiled area with three urinals and two stalls. The furthest stall - the handicapped stall - was available amazingly just after breakfast. I made my way to drop the kids off at the pool not giving a second glance to the other "taken" stall.

Now, if you're going masturbate in public, I am sure there are countless rules. To be honest, I am no expert - I'm a web developer\architect not a Republican politician. However, based on my experience this mornging, I think I can hand out some quality tips to those who just can't seem to make it 30 minutes into their Monday without engaging in man-to-hand combat.

1) Try to keep it down.
People are in their to take a piss and\or shit. Your heavy breathing and occassional "aaahhhhh" groans may attract unwanted attention. It's a bathroom stall not a sound-proof recording studio where you can record your latest R. Kelly tribute.

2) If you fail to abide by rule #1, try to keep the "fap-fap-fap-fap" sound to a minimum while shuffling your feet.
And the unmistakable sound of fapping is hard to explain away. And "Umm, sorry guys I was just feeding an ice cream cone to my penis," excuse ain't gonna cut it. Also you would be well advised not to bang against the bathroom stall wall like your trying to build a new edition onto the fucking thing.

3) If you fail at avoiding #1 and #2, at least try to remember that your not invisible.
Bathroom stalls only cover from your shin on down. From there, the guy next to you can see your pants around your ankles while your belt dips, twists and gyrates like you have an angry marlin on the line. Seriously about the best you can hope for is someone thinking you're in convulsions or an early onset of parkinsons.

4) OK, so you've failed to take the first three precautions. OK, at least have your feet facing the proper direction.
Your pants are around your ankles and your shoes are facing THE TOILET for a good 5 minutes? Either you are 5 years old, have the worst case of stage fright ever, or your playing your own skin solo to "Push the little daisies." Come on man, at least try to make it look like you're doing something else!

5) OK, ya fucked up the first 4 points but now here's some redemption. You can still explain it all away with an enlarged prostate, just finish quietly.
Jesus christ man what the hell are you thinking?!? You've been standing there for 5 minutes, the only sound louder than your contstant "fap-fap-fap" is you breathing like you've been hired for a 900-line and now ... now you got to give us a fucking audio-aid to the fucking money shot? You don't shoot it directly in the water, man! On top of that, the long, exaserated breath you let out is un-fucking-mistakable to anyone's who corralled a tadpole or two.

6) OK, man maybe the urge was just too much. You can still leave with some dignity.
Holy fucking christ on a Ritz cracker, he's actually spinning the toilet paper and cleaning himself off. What the fuck dude? Forget dignity, think about self-preservation. iT'S monday fucking morning right after breakfast. Someone had to hear all that. Don't exacerbate the situation by taking your time to tidy up.

7) Ok no chance left at dignity. Just steal away like a thief in the night.
I finish my constitutional and make my way to the sink when there are three guys sitting out there chatting. I look down at their shoes and FOR FUCKSAKE! You don't fucking hang around and loiter after that. What possible fucking explaination could you have? And not only that, now I get to see you in person and try and decide do I make fucking eye contact? Will you think I'm interested if I do? What the fuck!?!

So I did the only rational thing, I kept my head down and made my way to the sink. But as soon as someone initiated conversation I spun around, glared at the chronic masturbator and did my best evil monkey impersonation ....

Hey if it keeps him from coming around me - or near me for that matter - I'm all for it.

ps. Aside from the evil monkey stare, this blog post is 100% truth.

Yet More Random Pissings

After several high-profile "gay sex" scandals it seems the Republicans are coming around to the fact that homosexuality is genetic and not a choice. White House press secretary had this to say: "With the recent news and scientific research. The Republican party wants to acknowledge that Senator Larry Craig - and many like him - did not CHOOSE to have gay sex in a men's bathroom; instead they were BORN to have gay sex in a men's bathroom."

Kerry Wood has been named the Chicago Cub's closer for the 2008 season ... That is all.

Borrowed: When I go out, I want to go like my granpa - quietly and in his sleep ... Not screaming like the rest of the passengers in his car.

Paris Hilton wants to pick her new BFF in a reality tv show. Paris wants to be able to impart her knowledge upon her about things such as: how to be useless on $5,000,000 a day, proper cell phone etiquette during sex, and how to hide a herpes outbreak and while flashing your hoo-hah to anyone with a camera.

With the trade of QB Brian Griese and no offseason movement, the Chicago Bears will enter their July camp with Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton, and a quarterback to be named later. If you ask me, the QB depth chart is shaping up like a washed-up hooker: two useless boobs and a big gaping hole.

Welcome to the Dumbest Thing I've Heard this year - Part I

Read the article here and see the commentary.

The story goes undercover cops served warrants in a dangerous neighborhood. A 20yo, known drug dealer, was a bystander on the street at the time and snapped a picture with his cell phone. The cops approached him, arrested him, and confiscated his phone. IMHO this would be a violation of rights and it will probably end in a lawsuit. A few of the "9/11!!!eleventy!!!", "if your not with us your with the tuhrist!" morons then went off comparing this to people who think dangerously - you know, people who do not want their rights violated. They then called the guy a scumbag who got what he deserved. When I pointed out what if THEY had taken the picture would it be ok for the cops to arrest them? I got two of the dumbest fucking responses I have ever read. Be warned, your IQ and faith in humanity will plummet after reading what follows:

GONASA: "The only rights getting trampled are those of pushers, pimps and terrorists. Which of those are you?"
What is scary and sad is that not only does he believe this, he's ok with it. I'm not going to cry for pushers, pimps, or terrorists but what people fail to see is the slippery slope. When we allow police to decide - on the spot - what rights you have, we have become a fascist state.

But for all of GONASA's naivete, lack of education, and latent stupidity, he couldn't even put a blip on my radar compared to JoeyG. Of course, it came from a "Bushy." It's always these over-the-top, you're with us or the turrists!, dumb fucks that come up with the best stupidity. Today, it comes from JoeyG in Florida. To be honest, if I were a grown man and still going by "Joey" I'd have to kick my own ass. OK, here's what JoeyG has to say ... best read while humming "God Bless America" (bold added by me):

When the cops are doing something harmul to the law abiding public, or being crooked (and I don't define crooked as taking a drug dealers phone away), or when most the cops are working with the bad guys like they have done so often in the past, THEN we should stand up and confront the enemy and stop it. That isn't happening now. We have isolated incidences, but NOTHING like it is in most other countries and Nothing like it was here back in the early to mid 20th century.
But you guys are acting like this cop was conspiring with Al Capone or Osama Bin Laden and that he did something so bad.
The people that believe that are absolutely PARANOID. These are the same type people that are against the patriot act, vote for Ron Paul for the wrong reason, think the goverment is involved in some conspiracy against it's citizens, think many if not most cops are bad, put a criminals perceived civil rights in front of a law abiding citizens right to life, think that 9/11 was an "inside job", think that waterboarding is torture, think that a cop unlawfully taking a drug dealers phone means we are on the verge of MARTIAL LAW...NAZI style.
You guys have been so brain washed, it's made you totally paranoid and the paranoia has rendered your brain incapable of using logic.
So pathetic I can't even begin to tell you.
I suppose you also think it should be ILLEGAL to interview and interrogate muslims with backpacks getting ready to enter a mall (while chanting their final prayer), without interviewing and interrogating every other person with backpacks entering the mall too. God forbid we miss the school kids with their back packs. Certainly this violates the muslims civil rights.
And in many areas of the country that have very high populations of ILLEGAL immigrants, we can't pull them over at any higher rate than any other group, even though it is a FACT that most don't have drivers licenses, many insurance, and they are 3 times more likely to be driving under the influence than other white drivers.
I can give you a MILLIONS scenarios where it's in our best interest to use some common sense and logic, instead of the perceived MINOR violation of the persons civil rights.
Republican or democrat, either way, it's detestable.

Patriot act? Check. Turrists!? Check. Illegal immigrants? Check. Veiled racism? Check. Bushy? Check. Yes folks, I couldn't even make-up something that stupid. There is a reason on Fark that Florida has it's own tag. God Bless America you damn proud American!

Morton Walmart can Suck My Nuts

As always, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping so I went to the local Walmart for presents for my three kids and my girlfriend's daughter. I had about thirty things going on at once that day but the kids come first so I took my time buying thoughtful presents for all of them. After shopping for about two hours, I had a cart loaded for Christmas and made my way to the front. Of course, there were plenty of people just like me so I sat in line for another 20 minutes waiting my turn patiently.

Once to the front, the girl at the counter did her job getting me my packages and quickly bagging them. I then loaded my cart back up. It was overflowing as I dropped a little over 3 bills just there.

As I made my way back to the front of the store to exit I was accosted by a Walmart greeter\douchebag who walked directly in my path and said, "Sir, I need to see your receipt."

You know, if I hadn't just spent 2.5 hours in your store and dropped over $300 I may have been in a better mood but I wasn't. On top of that, no one NEEDS to see anything of mine. You may WANT to, but you don't NEED to. So I simply looked at him and said "No".

Apparently, the really nice old people from the commercials are just that. In commercials. Because this guy became aggressive. "I NEED to look at your receipt," he stated more firmly this time.

I just spent all that time, now this douchebag wants to go through every item in my cart (probably 30-40 things with stocking stuffers) to make sure the cashier didn't miss a 99 cent bobble? Really? Obviously my winning personality came out as I can't stand little men who think they hold some sort of power.

"Ask the girl that just checked me out, I'm sure she' got a copy," I shot back and kept walking toward the door.

The guy then followed me out the door fucking BELLOWING "SIR! ... SIR!!!" So now, in a packed Walmart with people coming and going, this asshole decides to make a scene like I'm some guy walking out with all the fucking gold in Fort Knox. Once about 20 feet outside, I heard him very condescendingly yell "Have a NICE DAY sir!"

What a classy guy and a classy place! I've decided since then that my money is better spent elsewhere whenever possible. Not that Walmart gives a shit but maybe they'll start caring when more people quit using their store because of the greeter gestapo who has way, way, way too much time on their hands and a over-abundance of self-importance.

Walmart can get fucked.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I am late with my St. Patty's day well-wishes because I think the server techs for Comcast are all fucking stupid and drunk which is not a good combination.

Anyhow, I ate a ton of corned beef and cabbage and two reubens. I'm on my 3rd green beer. St. Patrick's day is Irish christmas.

Favorite St. Patrick's phrase of all time came when my brother and I spent a St. Patty's day bar-hopping (must be said with an Irish accent of course): Oooohh, we're gonna get so Irish!

Dear Negro Community

The History Channel's new show "Ax Men" is not a quiz, self-help, or talk show. Please quit sending complaints about "false advertising."

Thank you,
The FCC

Da First Church of Da Coach

New blog, you know the drill. A satirical look at Chicago Bear Nation with over the top commentary and some news along the way. Kinda like this blog but only dedicated to Chicago football.

Check it out here.

The Brett Favre Revisionist History

I said I wouldn't write about it, but I just cannot help myself. The national fellation of Brett Fav-ruh has begun. Writers are tripping over themselves trying to out-do each other on who can make the biggest, douchiest statements and compare Fav-ruh to Michael Jordan, sliced bread, and the 2nd coming of Christ himself. Here's a look at revisionist history from this week:

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): The Giants upset the Packers in the NFC Championship Game at Lambeau Field, denying Favre a chance at wining his third Super Bowl.
Actually this is the tip of the revisionist iceberg. I saw comments saying "Thanks for all the Super Bowls Brett!!!" That would be like me saying "Thanks for all the Super Bowls Rex!!!" It's been 11 years since Fav-ruh won his ONLY Super Bowl; "all those Super Bowls" means getting them two 2 in 1996 and 1997. He returned the following year to get trounced by Denver even as a 14.5-point favorite. The closest Green Bay would ever come again was this season when they lost the NFC Championship game at Lambeua as 12.5-point favorites.
You would think the Senior NFL Writer at Sportsline would know this ... but then you read Pete Prisco and realized the error in your assumption.

John Madden, scores of blogs, national articles, and countless polls: Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback ever!
Most of the rabid meatheads will spout all the records Favre has set while kinds omitting the obvious stuff like ... Since the 1997 Super Bowl, Fav-ruh has a 3-7 record in the playoffs and has several emabarassing post-season performances. The guy played 17 seasons as an iron-man, but has only one Super Bowl ring and more post-season failures than successes. Calling him the best ever is homre-ism at best.

Favre's Agent James "Bus" Cook: "Nobody pushed Bret Favre out the door, but then nobody encouraged him not to go out that door, either,"
Oh my god, they made Fav-ruh retire. You bastards!
Let's not forget that this guy was elevated to God-like status in Wisconsin and each of the last five years has held the organization over a barrel with the same "Will he retire, won't he retire" offseason. Let's also forget that Green Bay welcomed him back AGAIN this season even after 2005 and 2006 campaigns in which he posted some of the worst ratings of his life while compiling a 12-20 record.
To be honest, I would have encouraged Fav-ruh to retire before the 2007 if I were the GM. With young talent waiting in the wings and very little fan expectations, retirement would have better benefitted the Packers. With this last season and the way it ended in a decimating loss, Green Bay will likely struggle next season as they transition to a new quarterback and try to pickup the pieces from 2007. But don't tell that to Favre or Jame "throw the Packers organization under the Bus" Cook.

Mark Kriegel (Fox Sports): His accomplishments as a quarterback might be quantifiable, but his virtues are not. There's a reason Brett Favre is regarded as a kind of national treasure, that the affection directed his way violates all demographic suppositions, cutting across all the usual divides of race, class, sex and geography.
Really? Aside from the author, John Madden, and Peter King, Fav-ruh is a fucking national treasure? What demographics does he "cut accross"? Obese, middle-aged, white guys in Wisconsin is his core demographic. The only reason people revere him is for what he's done on the field. PERIOD. Do we really need to point out his shortcomings especially early in his career of being a bullheaded-douchebag and not a good teammate? Of course not, this is revisionist history. Those pesky drug and alcohol addictions need not be mentioned either.

Of course, I went out to a couple of message boards and decided to have some fun with the fans. Maybe it was when I pointed out Favre's lack of rings since he quit drinking and drugs, maybe it was when someone suggested a "suicide-watch" for Packer-nation and I told him "that would imply we want to stop them", or maybe it was just me being me. One passionate wordsmith had this to say:

"Hey shit-head, faggot Bear fuck! You're just jealous Brett Favre is better than any quarterback in history and if you say otherwise you're lying to yourself. The fucking Bears could combine Orton and Grossman together and they still wouldn't have the talent Favre has in his left nut! Even though the greatest QB ever retired (maybe) the Packers STILL made it to the NFC Championship this year and have the talent to go to the Super Bowl next season. Sleep well knowing that assfuck!!!"

I thought about several ways of answering this. I could point out Chicago has been to more Super Bowls in the past decade than Green Bay - with less-accomplished quarterbacks. I could point out that I may be a fag but at least I'm unfamiliar with the talent-level of my favorite QB's left nut. But I figured a picture was worth a thousand words (and maybe a couple more from the caption):


I sleep on a pile of discarded, unopened "2007 NFC Champion Green Bay Packer" memorabilia. The tears of Brett Favre make it more comfortable than it sounds!